My husband strangled me

[Daretohope]

I was on an old thread talking about how my husband strangled me. He has been abusive for 35 years and I finally left. He has abused me in every way possible but I loved him due to a trauma bond. I see him for what he is now but the last two days have been torture for me. I’m desperate to go back home and yes I miss him because he has isolated me from everybody else.
Here is what I have done - I took pictures of all my injuries and printed them out and put them on the wall. I then took A4 paper sheets and wrote all the things he had ever done to me and wallpapered the room with these. I’m trying so hard not to go home to my narcissistic abusive husband but you would not believe how hard it is to do this alone. My dad is 90 and not really with it so I support him and I do not tell him anything- there is no point as it would just upset him. I have done nothing but cry - I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I’m thinking I just can’t do this. It would be so much easier to just go back….. but I’m not going to - I’ve had enough and I feel sorry for him- I feel compassion for this monster who treated me so badly for all those years but I remind myself that he feels nothing for me and certainly not love. He has also been having some sort of emotional affair online with his first love for the last 3 years. He actually told HER he was sorry for something he said at high school! He called her beautiful. In all the years we were together he never said I was beautiful or said sorry for any of the despicable things he did to me. I wonder if there are kind and caring men out there who do not treat their wives or partners like crap.

Well done for leaving! Yes it’s difficult now but so it living with a narcissist. Treading on eggshells all the time. Waiting to be told you are making things up. The good news is that whilst it may be difficult now it will get easier. The black cloud will lift and you will realise you were literally addicted to your ex and trauma bonded. You will be okay. You will grow new friendships and you will have a future full of colours so bright, it will feel like heaven itself is right at your feet. Baby steps. Just don’t step back!

You got this!!!

Thanks I will look at that x

@OurChristmasMiracle that gives me hope - thank you.

@PunishmentSnart thanks I will check that out.

@welliesarefuntowear thanks for the positive comments - im so glad you left and it sounds like you have a good life now.

@Daretohope

I also left an abusive marriage to a narcissist and I know it’s tough but believe me life on the other side is so worth the pain that you are going through now.

@OurChristmasMiracle thank you. It does not seem like it just now but I am doing my best- good to know that you got through it and that you are happy now.

@OurChristmasMiracle it would be so easy to go back but I can’t this time. He went too far and I’m so glad I left. Yes I am reading up on breaking a trauma bond and narcissists. Thanks for thr encouraging comments.

@Daretohope how are you doing? I hope you’re well 💐

@MuchTooTired I’m ok thank you. I’ve not managed to get a job yet and universal credit is such a low amount that I am struggling financially. I can barely make ends meet but I’m getting there. I’m doing lots of healing meditation and I have a friend IRL so I see quite a bit of her at her house and she put me on to a nice flat so it’s not so bad. I’ve had some anxiety and panic attacks. The doctor said this wasn’t unusual in my situation and she was kind. I’m sure I’m going to be ok. It isn’t nearly as hard as living with him was. I’m free of his constant abuse and I feel safe in my own bed at night which is great. I get panic when I go out as I’m not used to it but like GG said I will survive and if I had not left I don’t think I would have survived. Thank you for asking . X

@Daretohope - how are you getting on? I was Blinkin before. Hope all is well.

Well done to getting out - I was in an abusive relationship for three years, I got out, I am with a different partner now- the difference is like night and day… I am not saying you need to meet someone else, but my ex was indeed a peace of shit also. I feel blessed that I got out alive and so value my freedom. Keep going , don’t go back, you deserve a life that is happy and content.. xx

Thanks @fringecringewhinge I am doing ok. I’m getting used to being alone and I know I did the right thing. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. At times I miss him so much I nearly have to lock myself in to stop myself going back but on my walls are written all the awful things he did to me so I don’t go back. I’m poor and I miss my house but the trauma bond is slowly breaking.so I thank God that I’ve survived and enjoy the peace and quiet to heal. Thank you for caring x

@Notimefor well done you. Wish I had left so much sooner than I did. You give me hope for the future but I’m not healed yet so not ready to meet anyone else. I deserve a life that is happy and content? I do and it is strange that I actually thought I didn’t for so long - I’ve copied out those words and they are now on my wall. Thank you and I’m glad you got away x

I’ve only just seen your thread from the summer and read it all. So relieved to hear that you are still moving forwards and building your life without this piece of scum.

I was strangled by an ex when I was in my early 20s. I don’t think I realised how serious it was at the time but knowing now that it increases the likelihood that they will kill you by something like 8 times, I’m eternally grateful I’m still here.

I DID in fact go back to him and then finished it for a different reason, so I really did put my head back in the lion’s mouth for a bit. 20 years later it still affects me. It will take you some time to heal and recover from the years of abuse and from the specific acts of violence he meted out to you and feeling the pull to go back to what you know is totally natural. Such a great idea to keep the print outs up on your wall to prevent you making a terrible choice. You've got this

@Daretohope I only just discovered your thread and while I was reading from the beginning I was so scared wondering whether you went back to him or not. I am so glad you did not and so impressed at your strength and bravery and I wish you keep going only forward and never look back.

You see my mom was abused by my dad the same way as you. He was so nice and compassionate and gentle with others and people loved him, but in the house he was a monster. He abused my mom, verbally, mentally and physically. He too tried to strangle her more then one time, and this is only what I know. I am sure that there were more times this happened but my sibling and I did not witness it. She also never told anyone about the abuse and neither did my sibling and I (I only talk about it here on MN because I am anonymous). Last time we found him strangling her, my sibling and I were young adults. Instead of crying, like when we were kids, we started yelling at him, telling him to let her go or we will call police. He got so angry at us saying, "You want to call police on your father?!?!?". I realized then that he must have been completely crazy. Later I found him crying, not about what he had done (he never apologized, always blamed my mom for "making him do that"), but how he is so lonely and no one understands. He constantly threatened to kill her, us and him self, it was awful.

My mom passed away of cancer, young and we were left to deal with our father. When she died I felt like both my parents died, I had no emotional connection with him, but we had to help him out and I this was very difficult for me to find the strength and the way to do so.

Reading your posts I often feel like crying. I wish my mom left and started life on her own. Sometimes I imagine these being her posts and this makes me feel good. I am sorry if I made this post about myself instead of you. I know this must have been hard to break the chains and get away, and I hope with all my heart you will never go back, and I hope that you will find a way to enjoy your life as much as you can, be proud of yourself and be kind to yourself. I would urge you to please talk to your daughter about all this. I do not know how much she knows but I am sure she knows some. It is important that she knows who he is and most importantly who you are. This will help her get through her own life.

I send you loads of love and positive energy and thank you with all my heart for doing this for you and for me and my mom and all the other women who are going through it.

Sending lots of love your way @freeatlast2021 - you and your sibling could well have saved your mums life that night. So sorry you later lost her to that other bastard, cancer.

@RaisedByPangolins Thank you. I wish we did more for her and I wish she at least outlived him so that she would have a few years of peace, but life plays games with us. However, this experience may be one of the reasons why I stayed with my husband long after I realized that he did not deserve me. He however, never raised his hand on me, yelled, or cursed, but he did abuse me in his own way and kept me in his grip for over two decades. I guess I always thought it was not "that bad" having witnessed "real abuse" my mom endured. It took many therapy sessions for me to learn that there are more then one kind of abuse and that I should trust my instincts to tell me what is happening and what I should do about it.

I do not blame my mom of course, she was the best mom on earth and I know that in that society, we lived in at the time, it seemed impossible for her to leave. I just wished she did for her own sake, she deserved the best life could give her.

@RaisedByPangolins I’m so sorry that happened to you but so very happy for you that you got away early and didn’t waste your whole life with the monster. The thing is when they are nice and charming, somehow amazingly, you “forget” the abuse and the relationship continues until the next time and there is ALWAYS a next time - if you tolerate it once then it continues. I would advise everyone to leave and stay away the very first time because they don’t change. You made me remember being 22 which was the first time he hit me - I left and he didn’t apologise but I loved him and missed him so much I went running back. From then on he knew I wouldn’t leave and the abuse continued for 35 years. Thank you for your kind words and I hope you are happy now.

@freeatlast2021 I’m so sorry you lost your Mum.❤️. I’m sure there were times when she was happy as I know my own daughter brought me great joy. The thing is - I realise now that I should have left years ago and I remember making the worst decision of my life - I had my bags packed and was all set to leave when I found out I was pregnant - I should have run for the hills and taken my precious unborn girl with me so that she would not have had to witness what she did. I stayed because I didn’t want to struggle in a cheap flat and I wanted the best for her. It actually turned out to be the worst decision for both of us. I wanted her to have a dad she was close to as mine left when I was a young child. After she left home I stayed because I thought if I disappear out of his life and he still sees our daughter, he will start to abuse her so I felt I stayed to protect her. However this did not happen and she rarely sees him. I have such empathy for you and your sister and I hope you don’t let what happened scar you. I think there should be lessons in school about relationships and abuse and more help out there than there is for women. We should educate young boys so that they don’t grow up to be abusers. It shouldn’t continue for generations. I really hope you and your sister are happy now. Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your kind, encouraging words. I would say to every woman who is being abused “Being alone is much better than being abused”.

@freeatlast2021 I’m glad you left your husband as you are right in what you say. There are lots of different forms of abuse. I don’t know what age you are but I’m guessing 40s as you say you were with him for two decades. 40s is young- you still have your whole life ahead of you. Your Mum would have been so proud of you that you left. You found the courage. I’m proud of you too as I know how difficult it is go and to stay gone. My father was abusive to my Mum and she threw him out after 9 years as she had a well paying job and her parents on hand to help and her sister. Her advice to me however was to stay as there was “nothing worse than being alone”. I loved her dearly but this was the worst advice ever. She did meet a new man and married at 57 and they were very happy until death them did part. I’m glad she got some happiness for a short while. He died then she died aged only 65. She left me a great deal of money and I could have left then with my young daughter but I was so devastated I couldn’t think straight and he took all the money and squandered every penny - financial abuse. I lived and I’ve learned and I’m not that victim anymore. I wish you all the best for the future.

@Daretohope Thank you I wish you all the best too. Stay strong and do try to enjoy life, little things you know, a cup of coffee, walk in the woods, a nice sunny day. I really do try too.

I hope you are still doing well.❤️

Hope you are staying strong and life is good for you OP

Well done @Daretohope , you're awesome.

Did you get in touch with Freedom? They've been doing a lot over Zoom. I also found this group was ok www.facebook.com/groups/narcissisticpartners and I had EMDR therapy for various things.