My husband strangled me

[Daretohope]

I was on an old thread talking about how my husband strangled me. He has been abusive for 35 years and I finally left. He has abused me in every way possible but I loved him due to a trauma bond. I see him for what he is now but the last two days have been torture for me. I’m desperate to go back home and yes I miss him because he has isolated me from everybody else.
Here is what I have done - I took pictures of all my injuries and printed them out and put them on the wall. I then took A4 paper sheets and wrote all the things he had ever done to me and wallpapered the room with these. I’m trying so hard not to go home to my narcissistic abusive husband but you would not believe how hard it is to do this alone. My dad is 90 and not really with it so I support him and I do not tell him anything- there is no point as it would just upset him. I have done nothing but cry - I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I’m thinking I just can’t do this. It would be so much easier to just go back….. but I’m not going to - I’ve had enough and I feel sorry for him- I feel compassion for this monster who treated me so badly for all those years but I remind myself that he feels nothing for me and certainly not love. He has also been having some sort of emotional affair online with his first love for the last 3 years. He actually told HER he was sorry for something he said at high school! He called her beautiful. In all the years we were together he never said I was beautiful or said sorry for any of the despicable things he did to me. I wonder if there are kind and caring men out there who do not treat their wives or partners like crap.

@category12 Thanks that is good advice - I think I will take it but not just yet. I don’t feel ready to talk to people as I may just burst out crying or appear weird to people so I will do as you suggest and just get a box set or book for now. I hope you get your trip away and enjoy it.

What is it that is making this hard for you? If it's being on your own, contact your daughter so you've got someone to talk to, and look into local activities. It might also be an idea to ask your doctor to refer you for counselling.

Of course, take it all at your own speed. And be gentle with yourself, you'll have good days and bad days.

But the exciting (and scary) thing is, you have freedom to find/be yourself and do what you want to do, so when you start to dare to dream a bit, dream a bit bigger after that

I envy your daughter as my mother has put up with a ton of shit and continues to do so. It's hard to watch.

Chances are you're giving her hope by leaving. Don't go back.

@MiamiBeach104 Thank you for your supportive and encouraging words.

I also don’t normally post on these threads, as I also don’t feel like I have anything useful to say. I had to post though, because I think you’re brilliant for leaving the bastard. Absolutely brilliant.

You can do this. You’ve already done it, you’re doing it! Please don’t go back to him, you deserve so much better 💐

@RandomMess thank you I will try that. I am open to any help or suggestions of any sort.

@category12 thanks - I feel like you “get it” as in you understand. You have empathy. I don’t know who I am or what I want to do but I can now start to dream like you say.

Well done, op. Ive been wondering how you are.

Well done OP it takes massive strength to leave. You can now heal and make your own life. Have a long & lovely future without this criminal.

Your courage and bravery is testament to the fact that somewhere inside you know that you are worth more than what you endured. That's one of the reasons you left. You had that insight. Your time is now. People are living long lives, and you have a lot of living to do now. Remain strong, lean on us for additional support. You are part of a larger Mumsnet community. Your story resonated with lots of people for many reasons. Remember your time is now, be lucky x

@ThreeLocusts oh your poor Mum. And you- you must think of yourself too. I don’t want to be my daughter’s responsibility or to lean on her for emotional support as she has her own life. I hope your Mum is ok. I’ve taken the first step and it was the hardest. I hope your Mum can too.

@JulesCobb thank you - I’m just figuring out how to reply etc on here. You have been very kind and supportive to me and I appreciate it so much.

So glad to hear of any woman finding the confidence to leave an abuser, I know personally how hard it is but I have never ever looked back or regretted it. (Regret that the relationship didn't work is not the same and is perfectly normal and shouldn't be confused with wanting to go back!)
Have you talked to your doctor - a short course of cetirizine or a similar mild anti-depressant might be useful to help you through the most stressful times and the teariness!
As well as the Freedom programme I recommend WHy Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

Please tell your daughter. I'd be so sad if I didn't know where my mum was and what was going on. In telling her it may become more real for you and the chance of you going back to that shit bag goes down.

You've done so amazingly well so far. Please don't go back.

@MuchTooTired. Thank you. I’m exhausted from the emotional and physical upheaval. He will be very surprised I can tell you that as he must have thought I would be his punchbag forever. I would rather be alone than have him be in a bad mood and shouting at me 24/7 and losing his temper and getting violent. Bastard - yes he is a total bastard. I have to get used to letting others call him out on his behaviour instead of me always defending him. That’s another first step.

I'm really proud of you for leaving. As others have suggested, do the freedom programme, & every time you feel yourself wanting to go back to him, remind yourself that you were strong & brave enough to walk away, & that you are strong & brave enough to stay away. Be kind to yourself, you were in a terrible abusive relationship for 35 years & it will take time for you to recover & heal, & time for you to regain all the self-love & self-trust he has stolen from you. Just know that it will get easier & better.

You are so strong. You left and that was the hardest thing. Imagine it was happening to your daughter, what advice would you give her? Stay safe, I bet and never to go back. You are safe away from him and you can make a nice, calm, peaceful life for yourself, where no-one will mistreat you. You deserve more. You will be happier without him. Please don't go back.

@Si1ver you’re very insightful. I guess that was one of the reasons I haven’t told her yet. Makes it real. Final. Also though I’m trying to spare her any hurt or make her feel she has to support me. I’m the Mum. I support her and if she has any problems big or small she won’t come to me if she knows how bad I am at the moment and I just wanted to always be there for her and not her be there for me if you know what I mean. I will tell her I have left just not the details at this time. Thanks for the advice. I will phone her but she won’t be worried at this stage. Thank you.

Does your daughter know about the violence? She may be living in fear that he will kill you one day and hearing you have left him will be a massive relief for her. You need to tell her or she will be hurt. She will want to support you.

@IHateUserName thanks it is a bit like it almost happened to someone else and not me. I could go back and forget what happened until the bruises have faded and put it to the back of my mind as I have done for years until the next time because it would happen again if I went back but trying to detach from a trauma bond is so very hard but no more. I’m no more the fool who stays and lets/allows him to abuse me - I’m no longer his victim. Thank you.

Ring a friend. Doesn't matter how long it's been, ring them tomorrow. I bet they'll be delighted to hear from you. You are not alone. x

@bluedomino I never thought of that. She knows a bit but not how severe it was and she doesn’t know about the night he forced himself on me and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. It is like if you found out your father was a murderer you may start analysing yourself and thinking “I have his dna, what if I’m capable of murder too” I don’t want to rip him to shreds in her eyes because I’m trying to protect her. I feel like your comments are coming directly from her because they have a different viewpoint and yes you’re right of course she would want to support me. Thank you.

You have finally eradicated this abusive monster from your life...well done for that, I know it can't have been easy. Don't look back, don't go back...we only get one life so go and live it now without him dragging you down
Find new friends, find new hobbies and enjoy your life.

@Twillow. You’ve never looked back? I’m looking back already, sometimes with rose coloured spectacles. I see what you mean. I’ve to maybe regret that the relationship didn’t work out but not regret leaving him because it’s an abusive relationship. I will check those out thanks.