DP thinks if it doesn’t bother him it doesn’t bother me

[wetsummersundays]

I work term time. DP has been wfh since the start of the pandemic, so March 2020. His office has been open for a while but he’s elicited to keep wfh. That’s fine.

But it is restricting my life quite a bit especially with regard to social visits. Tried to raise this with him and he just says it doesn’t bother him, it’s not a problem, to carry on as if he wasn’t around.

But to be honest it’s really bothering me now and I am at the absolute limit of him being here constantly. I’m not suggesting he goes back five days a week but I would like a few days respite before work starts.

How can I raise this in a way that doesn’t have him just saying it’s no problem, he doesn’t mind my friends being here?

Why does it bother you? Do you have other rooms to go to with your friends?

Just invite your friends round as normal, do what you would normally do. If he can’t work because of house etc that’s not your problem it’s his

Where is he working in the house? If he's in the kitchen or living room, I can see it would be a pain in the bum.

People have different relationships and I don’t mean that snippily but yes it does bother me, it bothers me a lot. It’s very difficult to relax and catch up and have a good laugh / gossip with someone working in close proximity.

I would probably feel the same as you OP, but I still think you're being unfair.

Well, what did he say when you told him, "I'm aware it doesn't bother you, but it bothers me"?

@armanted

I would probably feel the same as you OP, but I still think you're being unfair.

You are free to think that but I am still wanting advice on how to broach this.

"Love, I know it doesn't bother you, but I find it really awkward having people round when you're working. It would be really great if you could go into the office and give me the run of the place a couple of days a week."

Either go somewhere else with your friends, say a nice local pub where you can have a drink?
Or take your noisy, chattering friends home, seat them comfortably, boil the kettle , make drinks and food (not for him), play music and behave as though he wasn't there?

I’ll try that. Thanks.

Did you post about this a few weeks back? It seems very familiar. I think if your DH isn't keen to go back to the office then you have to accept this. He os more than happy for you to have friends round so is not curtailing your social life. It is you who is doing this. I say this as someone whose DH was away much of the week and is now here pretty much all the time. His being here does not curtail my social life in any way. I just crack on doing what I used to do when he wasn't around.

It’s not AIBU @Dillydollydingdong

I’m not justifying why I want to spend time at home. It’s a home, not an office.

Advanced search is a great tool.

I suppose it depends how far apart you are at home. I can close two doors and I don't hear guests in the house and more importantly, they can't hear me on a work call. We are not allowed to have work calls where others can hear - including near an open window. It's all confidential.

I would feel the same as you OP. Can you just tell him you need some alone time and does he mind going into the office once a week?

Does he take over the house with WFH? Where is he basing himself? he really needs to be in a room out of the way.

I know when I WFH I am in the living room, but I just live with the kids and they mostly live in their bedrooms (by choice! I think), so it's not an issue. But if I lived with a partner, I would probably set up a desk in the bedroom or other private space.

It doesn’t depend. I am uncomfortable with it and it is a perfectly reasonable want.

I have tried to talk to him about it but as I’ve said the problem is he literally doesn’t see the problem. He does actually regularly behave like an inconsiderate arse in the house but tbh even if he didn’t I wouldn’t want to catch up with friends knowing he can hear every word.

Does DH ever get the house to himself? If not YABU.

Perhaps you agree a day each when you can each be home alone for a while, to do whatever you wish.

@wetsummersundays

Advanced search is a great tool.

I didn't advance search, I just remembered!

Yes. But not really what I’m posting about. I don’t want a rota and it wouldn’t work as he’s no issue so as far as he’s concerned there isn’t an issue. That’s why (sorry) I’m not being drawn into whether I’m right or wrong. I feel as I feel. I have made a lot of sacrifices and I don’t want to lose friends over this.

If you use AS then you’ll see whether I did or not

If I did then you’ll know.

If I didn’t I either haven’t posted before or I’m a NC. If i NC it might be for privacy reasons.

So perhaps not something to bring up.

I am uncomfortable with it and it is a perfectly reasonable want.
Hmmm, it’s a reasonable want but it’s also not unreasonable for your DH to want to WFH and not go into the office just because it suits you better. It’s his house too. You say you’re at the limit of him being there constantly, but aren’t you there constantly? Why do you get to boot him out, vs you stepping away from the house to create the space you want?

As for how to broach it with him, I think I’d come up with an offer: stress again that it bothers you and exactly why – you can’t relax in the same way, you want to feel fully at home rather than “at home but with someone’s workplace also in the home”. And you’re prepared to compromise by XYZ: maybe if he does one day in the office per week over the holidays so you get the house to yourself, you leave the house one day each weekend so he gets the house to himself in his free time.

He wouldn’t understand that I am afraid.

Is he controlling? Is your relationship otherwise happy?

Are you always this snippy with people?

There’s no magic wand here. All you can do is talk to him again and try and get him to see your point of view. Suggest he goes into work 2 times a week or something so you can have some alone time or something. I’m not really sure what else you can do.