DP thinks if it doesn’t bother him it doesn’t bother me

[wetsummersundays]

I work term time. DP has been wfh since the start of the pandemic, so March 2020. His office has been open for a while but he’s elicited to keep wfh. That’s fine.

But it is restricting my life quite a bit especially with regard to social visits. Tried to raise this with him and he just says it doesn’t bother him, it’s not a problem, to carry on as if he wasn’t around.

But to be honest it’s really bothering me now and I am at the absolute limit of him being here constantly. I’m not suggesting he goes back five days a week but I would like a few days respite before work starts.

How can I raise this in a way that doesn’t have him just saying it’s no problem, he doesn’t mind my friends being here?

I’m not sure if you’re trying to be funny @category12? Anyway. Will try Golden’s approach. It is worth a shot, although I doubt it will work sadly (not because it isn’t a good suggestion.)

I can see your point of view completely. I’ve planned a meet up for coffee with a friend in June. But when the day came not only DH was at home but DD as well !!! So I and my friend went for a walk, ( light drizzle, quite cold) because I actually wanted to moan about my lack of space.
DH’s not controlling and I actually moaned to him about this as well but it’s not the same. He was at home (came back earlier) when friend and I have met up in May and we didn’t feel relaxed.

@GoldenOmber gave a great advice.
I’ve got the same problem with my DH as you. Luckily he’s at the stage now when he needs concentration which is impossible with Dd and me at home so he’s started going to the office naturally 😀

I think it’s fairly well established he has many breaks.

@wetsummersundays

I tried *@godmum56* and it was horrendously awkward. The noise and the mess and him walking through to the toilet … everyone was a bit edgy and uncomfortable.

goodness how many times does he go to the loo?

@wetsummersundays

I think it’s fairly well established he has many breaks.

I didn't see mention of his many breaks. But if that is the case then clearly it is time for a rota as you both seem entirely inflexible.

Perhaps this is not the right relationship for you. He clearly isn't able to see things from any point of view but his own. That must be difficult for you, not just with the wfh situation.
Maybe that is something that could change instead?

I'm not trying to be funny.

You keep repeating what you want him to do to us, and that he doesn't understand what you're saying, so if you've tried in roundabout ways to get your point over, instead state it rather baldly to him.

It's no point bemoaning the sacrifices you've made to us - point them out to him and that you need some space.

We don’t need a rota.

I mean, would people actually do this? Or would you just not try to be considerate to peoples needs?

I can’t imagine a world where I am doomed to be out of the house 9-1 Wednesdays and Sundays!

For most people if happens naturally but it doesn’t for us as he never leaves the house. So I do need suggestions although I think he’d just keep saying he doesn’t mind … BUT I DO!

Yes but @category12 the whole point is that he doesn’t. Pop

Pop? Sorry whacked my phone

If the first attempt doesn’t succeed, how about being blunt?

“I need you to go to the office 2 days a week for the next 3 weeks. You’ve worked from home from 17 months, your office is now open, I will be back to work in 3 weeks and I need some time to myself before I start. It is not about you and whether it bothers you or whether you are ok with it. I need this.”

I really need to say that tbh. I might practice out loud.

OP you seem to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't (or won't) understand your needs and won't accommodate your small and very reasonable requests.

LTB? That seems the only solution to me.

So if you said

Look, I've had it up to here with you WFH and never having any breathing space from it. You have the option of the office and I need you to go there once a week. I know you're happy with it, but I am not, so I am asking you to do this for me. Once I'm back at work, you can go back to WFH all the time again.

What would he say?

*That's not true.

We've had tons of cases of men working from home in the only living space, making their wives and children shut up while they're working, with women taking care of the children, home schooling when that was all happening, and doing their own jobs. It's been accepted nationally that this has been happening - it's not just people moaning on here.*

That's not whats happened here though. He says he doesn't mind the OPs friends coming round, he's not demanding the keep quiet. Also, I have definitely seen thread after thread where women just want their husbands/partners put of the house.

@wetsummersundays

I really need to say that tbh. I might practice out loud.

Practice it out loud repeatedly until it doesn’t feel like you’re asking, and it does feel wrong to say it.

Because 1) you’re not asking
2) it’s not wrong to say it

*doesn’t feel wrong

If I were your friend, I wouldn't feel comfortable catching up if your DH was working in the dining room of living/ dining room. But if your DH was working in an office upstairs then it wouldn't bother me at all.

If he's working in a different area of the same room (for example if your downstairs is all open plan) then I see your issue, but if he's simply in the house, but another room entirely I think you are making an issue where there isn't one. Have you asked your friends specifically?

DH and I both work full time and get no time where one of us is out and the other in the house expect very rarely. If I have friends over DH just goes to watch TV in another room.

You don't have to get him to understand why it bothers you, simply that it does. And ask him to respect how you feel even if he thinks it's silly. If he can't do that, I'd worry for the relationship.

@wetsummersundays

We don’t need a rota.

I mean, would people actually do this? Or would you just not try to be considerate to peoples needs?

I can’t imagine a world where I am doomed to be out of the house 9-1 Wednesdays and Sundays!

For most people if happens naturally but it doesn’t for us as he never leaves the house. So I do need suggestions although I think he’d just keep saying he doesn’t mind … BUT I DO!

I think people who can't communicate might respond well to a visual tool like a rota, and it sounds like your relationship has reached that point.

Ask him to take his many breaks out of the house so you can both get a break at the same time?
Explain that you'd like to have a free house to really catch up with your friends, and whether he "minds" or not isn't really the point?
Could you see friends on weekends?

Sorry, I’ve read all your posts but I’m not clear- when he says “I don’t mind” and you say “but I do mind, I need you to go to the office please”, how can he “not understand” this? Surely it isn’t him “not understanding” it’s him refusing to do this for you?

Also, you said that you can’t go to a friend’s place because it’s a 2 hour drive, but that must mean that your friend is driving that distance if she comes to you? So one of you always has the long drive. Is there somewhere in the middle you could meet? How about renting an air b n b?

I think it is thoughtlessness, and at the moment without wanting to or meaning to we are in a relationship where he has the upper hand. I’ve explained that badly but it is his home, he is working, he makes the decisions.

I tend to be fairly easygoing and I like to keep the peace and I don’t like to make people feel bad.

He is a nice man. He is not unkind or cruel or mean but he can be thoughtless and act without consideration - sometimes we all do. He is the king of ‘yeah, but’ and that can be annoying.

Pop!

Does he really never leave? Not for lunch breaks, to see his own friends? If so I think there’s the crux, and you need to separate it from the “friends coming round” thing and say, “Oi, DH – I need some alone, introvert, you-not-here time like I used to get; the chance to wander freely in my home and indulge the chance to fart, stare into space, invite a friend round where it’s just us, or simply exist without proximity to another, otherwise you’ll be under the patio”. Or however you usually speak to each other.

It’s very rare. I mean, perhaps twice a week to the supermarket. So there is a worry about his own health in fact but that’s probably one for another day.

I can’t really be renting air bnbs just to get a bit of peace and quiet I’m not rich! And yes with my friends but that’s the point. I go to them then they come here … except that isn’t happening.

How long is his commute Vs the drive to your friends' houses? If I were him, that would be relevant

You're sort of acting like he's been WFH purely to spite you, and not because it's an effort to stop people catching and spreading a very serious illness.