DP thinks if it doesn’t bother him it doesn’t bother me

[wetsummersundays]

I work term time. DP has been wfh since the start of the pandemic, so March 2020. His office has been open for a while but he’s elicited to keep wfh. That’s fine.

But it is restricting my life quite a bit especially with regard to social visits. Tried to raise this with him and he just says it doesn’t bother him, it’s not a problem, to carry on as if he wasn’t around.

But to be honest it’s really bothering me now and I am at the absolute limit of him being here constantly. I’m not suggesting he goes back five days a week but I would like a few days respite before work starts.

How can I raise this in a way that doesn’t have him just saying it’s no problem, he doesn’t mind my friends being here?

I can completely understand this. It's like the thread over the weekend about people bringing their teenagers along when they meet up with their friends.

It's normal to want some privacy even if you have a great relationship with your partner. You want to meet your friends without being overheard. There's nothing wrong with that. If he can't understand that then he has a problem with boundaries.

I would meet up with them elsewhere. I wouldn't invite them to the house and I'd tell him why. And then I'd look at whether I wanted to live with someone who didn't respect my boundaries.

@category12

Do you actually like him?

Yes. I liked my mum, but sometimes it was nice to see my friends without her there.

@burritofan

What happens or would happen if you said, “I’m not asking you to understand or agree, I am asking you to accept that it’s making me feel miserable, angry and frustrated, and I would be happier if you did one day in the office. I need our relationship to have more space, and I need there to be times I have the house to myself because its good for my mental health.” Would he accept that?

Yeah, try that.

Or if you really feel like you can’t push him on what you want, make it about other people’s preferences? “Sharon and Brenda and Senga just aren’t going to feel comfortable talking about their job woes and their marriages in front of you, DH, they don’t know you. Yes I know YOU don’t care but THEY do. So when’s a good time to have them over?”

@wetsummersundays

So am I just supposed to accept I spend the duration of my holidays alone, *@NoSquirrels*? Does that sound like a fair compromise? He gets what he wants all the time, and I don’t ever, not even once?

No.

But I don’t understand what happens when you say as I suggested above, or Burrito has.

Your communication sounds odd, so is the relationship OK?

My DH gets my need to spend time alone with him not being in the house. He doesn’t feel remotely the same - but he understands my needs.

So, what is the communication barrier in your bloke not understanding your needs? And, by the same token, do you adequately understand why he does not want to go into the office?

You're not asking the world, no. Tell him you're desperate for some space. He doesn't need to understand it, he just needs to do it.

Sorry to be thick but why are you spending the holidays alone ? If it’s a cost thing, why not go for a walk with your friends? Pack a picnic ?

That’s actually a really good suggestion @GoldenOmber for you. Fancy coming round?

I do know how you feel OP, when my friends come over its without any partners or husbands and we gossip like witches around a cauldron. Its hilarious and absolutely the greatest therapy ever. I couldn't imagine having a partner in the next room walking through going to the loo. Its a shame he isn't back in the office, I would find this relationship very claustrophobic. Its annoying you. There has to be a compromise somewhere you can get to. Sorry OP I wish I had a magic wand to build an office for him down the bottom of the garden....he could go there all day....and evening....and night!

@wetsummersundays

In fact I’m not even discussing that. You feel I am wrong: fair enough. I still feel it. I can’t fundamentally change the fact I feel isolated and lonely and sad because you think I’m wrong, I’m sorry.

I’m not asking the world here. Once/twice a week for the next three weeks. That’s it.

I don’t think you’re wrong, FFS! I totally get the desire, in fact.

I’m making no judgement on you, just stating facts. You don’t want to entertain with him in the house, he doesn’t want to work in the office. You’re both intractable in your positions it seems to me.

You’re not being thick but you are being a little bit closed in how you approach things.

The weather, for one. I don’t know where you live but here it is swinging between torrential rain and humid, sweaty heat. Not ideal for picnics. Unless you’re a hippopotamus.

If someone has driven over two hours then yes you might go to a pub or coffee shop but it’s still reasonable for them to spend some time in your house.

@wetsummersundays

That’s actually a really good suggestion *@GoldenOmber* for you. Fancy coming round?

You seem determined that this issue will not be resolved. What do you want to hear, LTB?

All you can do is politely request that he goes into the office one or two days a week. If he won't do that then you have bigger problems.

Of course you could sabotage the WiFi...

I get you. We are both working at home at the moment, but DH has started going into the office a few times a week. Working at home has been OK, but I do feel more relaxed when I have the house to myself again. I had some CBT for anxiety over the last year, and my need to have my own space was one of the things my therapist cottoned onto much quicker than I had.

Having your own space sometimes is a perfectly healthy thing.

Basically, it's a case of finding as many ways as you can of saying "no I know it doesn't bother you, but it bothers me and it bothers my friends."

Or being very blunt - "x, y and z want to come over one day next week. We'd like the house to ourselves. Which day would be best for you to go to the office?"

I am uncomfortable with it and it is a perfectly reasonable want.

The thing is, I, and it seems your dp, and also several other posters can't see that it is a perfectly reasonable want.
Unless you live in a studio apartment, it isn't a reasonable want.

He isn't asking you to talk quietly / not laugh / not have your friends round - you are perfectly able to have them round if you want.
Or, any of the other alternatives people have suggested.

You've not articulated anywhere on this thread why you and your friends can't meet elsewhere (doesn't have to cost a lot - or indeed anything if you go to one of their houses), nor said anything logical about why you can't meet when he is in another part of your home.
So, unless there is something you haven't explained to us, I'm not sure there is anything you can say to insist he leaves his own home, as there is no logic behind it.

I get where you are coming from. Dh has been off sick most of this year and the first week of my holidays (7 weeks this year) he was miffed that I had gone and arranged things without him. Then he started working from home, which was ok as we turned our playhouse into a summer house so I can take friends there or on nice weather be on the decking.

I'm so grateful he has his 5 year update this week and is going to Glasgow. So I can have whoever I want round.

How to broach it, I'm not sure. You know your OH. I'm sure if I said "Oi Mr Groovee, go to the bedroom or the playhouse while Aggie comes round!" He probably would.

That’s fine Kite. I still feel it. I don’t actually care if it is right or wrong. My life has been hugely restricted over the past year as a result of DPs work and all I want is a last hurrah as it were before work starts again.

I agree it's very difficult (my DH WFH, no office to even go to now) but if it's only for a few weeks why don't you visit your friends in their homes?

I've just stopped inviting friends round, we either go for a walk, coffee shop or meet at their house.

Sometimes the only answer is to find a compromise.

So tell him you need a holiday from his work, and tell him to bugger off to the office.

@wetsummersundays

So am I just supposed to accept I spend the duration of my holidays alone, *@NoSquirrels*? Does that sound like a fair compromise? He gets what he wants all the time, and I don’t ever, not even once?

Honestly i think this ^^ is the main issue.

I think it’s not about the wfh/friends but that you feel he doesn’t accommodate you in anyway.

And no i didnt advance search or anything.

@category12

So tell him you need a holiday from his work, and tell him to bugger off to the office.

But why should he if he doesn't want to? It's his house as well.

Because it involves me driving hours. I can’t keep doing that, and tbh I shouldn’t have to.

We know it’s his house as well. House. Home. Not office.

But why should he if he doesn't want to? It's his house as well.

Because it's not all about him and OP just needs a break in her own home. Once she's back to work he can WFH all the time again. Giving her a couple of days peace isn't asking much.

Op I am with you. Albeit with my DC. I am at the end of my tether being around a teen DC day in day out and I can’t even have a private phone call

So I totally get it and yes DP needs to consider going back to the office. The blur between home and work can be hard to navigate or come back from and I’m sure DP also has developed some questionable habits with WFH. As many of us did.

Plus I really relish my own company without the back ground stress I’d probably being disturbed.

Although I’d be quite firm and suggest you either need two home’s so he can work from home and your house is separate from his office or he needs to rent his own office space

Because it involves me driving hours. I can’t keep doing that, and tbh I shouldn’t have to.

Isn’t this just his argument about commuting, though?

I’m not saying your desire for space is wrong. But does it have to be in the working week?

And, longer-term, what’s the plan with the WFH?