DP thinks if it doesn’t bother him it doesn’t bother me

[wetsummersundays]

I work term time. DP has been wfh since the start of the pandemic, so March 2020. His office has been open for a while but he’s elicited to keep wfh. That’s fine.

But it is restricting my life quite a bit especially with regard to social visits. Tried to raise this with him and he just says it doesn’t bother him, it’s not a problem, to carry on as if he wasn’t around.

But to be honest it’s really bothering me now and I am at the absolute limit of him being here constantly. I’m not suggesting he goes back five days a week but I would like a few days respite before work starts.

How can I raise this in a way that doesn’t have him just saying it’s no problem, he doesn’t mind my friends being here?

@knittingaddict my recollection from last thread was that OP had no room to extend, no outside space for a garden office, no loft to convert. This is not sustainable for a family of this size, hence the strains with them all being so overcrowded. Even without Covid and WFH , this is not ideal for a family of four. They're is no space for anyone to ever retreat.

What is apparent from this thread is that it is turns out it is not evens OP's property. It is her partners. He is clearly happy where he is and paying what he does , for his current mortgage, if any. The space issue has to be addressed if they are to move forward as a family. This cheek by jowl living is not healthy. They need to combine finances and move to a larger family home that suits them as a family and , share the burden of the mortgage. If this is not on the cards then, OP needs to secure her own new home and space for her and her children.

I was raised in a tiny 2 bed council flat, sharing a bedroom with my sisters. It was hell and claustrophobic and tensions in the family were always high. I left at 18 and never went back. My parents had more kids then they could afford to house, and no real financial means to ever improve living conditions. Hence, they were never there. Better to be out than in.

I only had kids i could afford to house comfortably and even then, only after i had built a career and secured my own large home before i had them. We have never struggled for space as a result and never had these tensions.

Op and her DP either need to move somewhere bigger or OP needs to secure her own space for her and her children. This current space is ultimately DP's space , and in his mind, a DP and 2 kids later , it still is his.

Op needs a bigger family home space, if she is to stay or , her own space if she leaves. Either way, a space in which she has a actual financial interest and a real say in what happens in that space. To be in this position , where you cannot even entertain friends , have your own space, raise children comfortably and to have take yourself out in the pissin rain to escape , is alien to me as an adult. I would no way ever ever live like this or ever expect/inflict this on my children.

[quote girl71]@knittingaddict my recollection from last thread was that OP had no room to extend, no outside space for a garden office, no loft to convert. This is not sustainable for a family of this size, hence the strains with them all being so overcrowded. Even without Covid and WFH , this is not ideal for a family of four. They're is no space for anyone to ever retreat.

What is apparent from this thread is that it is turns out it is not evens OP's property. It is her partners. He is clearly happy where he is and paying what he does , for his current mortgage, if any. The space issue has to be addressed if they are to move forward as a family. This cheek by jowl living is not healthy. They need to combine finances and move to a larger family home that suits them as a family and , share the burden of the mortgage. If this is not on the cards then, OP needs to secure her own new home and space for her and her children.

I was raised in a tiny 2 bed council flat, sharing a bedroom with my sisters. It was hell and claustrophobic and tensions in the family were always high. I left at 18 and never went back. My parents had more kids then they could afford to house, and no real financial means to ever improve living conditions. Hence, they were never there. Better to be out than in.

I only had kids i could afford to house comfortably and even then, only after i had built a career and secured my own large home before i had them. We have never struggled for space as a result and never had these tensions.

Op and her DP either need to move somewhere bigger or OP needs to secure her own space for her and her children. This current space is ultimately DP's space , and in his mind, a DP and 2 kids later , it still is his.

Op needs a bigger family home space, if she is to stay or , her own space if she leaves. Either way, a space in which she has a actual financial interest and a real say in what happens in that space. To be in this position , where you cannot even entertain friends , have your own space, raise children comfortably and to have take yourself out in the pissin rain to escape , is alien to me as an adult. I would no way ever ever live like this or ever expect/inflict this on my children.

[/quote]
I thought OP only had one baby?

@HaveringWavering sorry, i thought i had read that OP had 2. I had in my mind a 5 yr old and a toddler/baby. Maybe i have confused with another thread . My mistake. Apologies. I stand corrected.

That said , they are still clearly struggling for space even as 3, with no rooms or defined spaces for escape, no separate WFH designated space for the Dp, or a private space for discussion with friends for the OP. It also ultimately remains the OP's DP's property which, i think is at the heart of the problem. The lack of space and impact from that , is so great, it is now affecting the well being of the OP. The property is no longer fit for purpose.

Well being demonised for wanting a bit of space.... phew!

OP you need to tell him you want space, maybe you make plans ahead of time for friends to come round and those days he arranges to work in the workplace or whatever compromise works for you both.

If you tell him you need this just for you and it is upsetting you not to have some alone/you time in the house but he still won't accommodate you every now and then, you have a serious DH problem.

You are perfectly understandable in what you want and why, you need to communicate that clearly to your DP. If you have already and he still doesn't get it that opens up a whole host of different issues.

I think that you just need to communicate with him more......................