DP thinks if it doesn’t bother him it doesn’t bother me

[wetsummersundays]

I work term time. DP has been wfh since the start of the pandemic, so March 2020. His office has been open for a while but he’s elicited to keep wfh. That’s fine.

But it is restricting my life quite a bit especially with regard to social visits. Tried to raise this with him and he just says it doesn’t bother him, it’s not a problem, to carry on as if he wasn’t around.

But to be honest it’s really bothering me now and I am at the absolute limit of him being here constantly. I’m not suggesting he goes back five days a week but I would like a few days respite before work starts.

How can I raise this in a way that doesn’t have him just saying it’s no problem, he doesn’t mind my friends being here?

And I leave the house every day. I don’t think we are quite at the stage of needing a rota. I literally just want to touch base with people I haven’t seen for months.

You say you don’t want to lose friends . Not sure why you would if your DH is in another area if the house ?
Anyway surely the solution ( if he refuses to return to the office) is to go to a restaurant/ bar or someone else’s house ?

You're a bit chippy wetsummersundays. No one's criticizing you. It's not in the least unreasonable to want a bit of time at home without him occasionally.

Can you not just say

DH, I know it doesn’t bother you but it bothers me. Please can you arrange to be out a few times over the next 2 weeks?

What’s wrong with weekends and him taking DC out (if you have one) while you catch up with friends?

I’m not trying to be chippy, but I’m not posting to be told I am wrong. Perhaps I am (I don’t think I am but obviously I would say that!) but I still feel as I do. So telling me I’m wrong is unhelpful. What I need is advice. And I have had some chippy responses. I tend to post in response to the tone. If people are chippy and rude it can’t come as a shock when they get replies in that vein. If people are kind and supportive, that’s different.

I’m losing friends because I haven’t seen many of them for months. It is all very well suggesting coffee shops and pubs but that is expensive for one and not particularly welcoming for non local friends.

@wetsummersundays

People have different relationships and I don’t mean that snippily but yes it does bother me, it bothers me a lot. It’s very difficult to relax and catch up and have a good laugh / gossip with someone working in close proximity.

I bet if you start doing it he won't be working in proximity for long! take him at his word!

I suppose because it’s very hard to explain to him why it bothers me other than that he is listening - he would deny this and I do believe he has no interest in the fact Paula who we worked with in 2008 has retired but it does really make things uncomfortable. And he doesn’t get it at all

Have you had your friends over at all? Would him seeing that it’s actually quite disruptive work to prove a point?

I tried @godmum56 and it was horrendously awkward. The noise and the mess and him walking through to the toilet … everyone was a bit edgy and uncomfortable.

Have you explained to friends why you’re not seeing them, i.e. that DH is at home all the time and cramping your style? And that you hope you can invite them round when he’s back in the office?

I think if you want to maintain friendships, for now you’re going to need to invite them over regardless of DH. Then tackle his constant presence as a separate issue.

It’s disruptive but only for us. He just carries on as normal.

I really wish you'd answer about where he is in the house.

You don't sound very happy in the relationship - what with all these "sacrifices" you've made.

@wetsummersundays

I suppose because it’s very hard to explain to him why it bothers me other than that he is listening - he would deny this and I do believe he has no interest in the fact Paula who we worked with in 2008 has retired but it does really make things uncomfortable. And he doesn’t get it at all

He doesn’t have to get it. He just has to accept you are uncomfortable with not feeling relaxed and able to entertain in your own home.

But - have you tried? Are there non-working days you can meet friends instead where he could go out?

It’s the insistence on changing his WFH pattern that’s an issue, I think. You’re not unreasonable to want it but he’s not unreasonable to say no.

I get that @burritofan but they don’t want to come and sit somewhere where we can’t just talk and laugh. I don’t blame them tbh. I had a friend who always used to bring her partner on nights out, he was a nice guy but it altered everything.

@wetsummersundays

I tried *@godmum56* and it was horrendously awkward. The noise and the mess and him walking through to the toilet … everyone was a bit edgy and uncomfortable.

If it was uncomfortable for “everyone” then you’d meet up elsewhere - at theirs, at the park, etc. Why do you feel it has to be at your house? Sometimes some people’s houses aren’t great to entertain at - too small, too many pets, too far away, too many people WFH etc.

Why don't you just go to your friends instead?

I know you don't want to be told you're wrong but he's got just as much right to be in the house as you have, and much more right than your friends.

I think what this boils down to is

You want this
He wants that

Neither of you are 100% in the right
Neither of you particularly want to compromise for the other…

It does matter @category12

I’m uncomfortable. He’s in close proximity to the lounge but then the thread becomes send him to the garden / bedroom / shed / Moon. And if he doesn’t understand that his presence is difficult then he won’t go to any of those other places. It isn’t going to be a ‘darling I do wish you’d go to the office’ / ‘well darling I would rather not’ ‘well please go elsewhere in the house then’ ‘righty ho.’

He genuinely doesn’t understand, I don’t think, and that’s fine, but Christ it is making me miserable!

Where haven’t I compromised?

Wouldn’t letting go of the desire to entertain your friends at home during the working week be better than obsessing over him going out to the office?

So am I just supposed to accept I spend the duration of my holidays alone, @NoSquirrels? Does that sound like a fair compromise? He gets what he wants all the time, and I don’t ever, not even once?

Do you actually like him?

What happens or would happen if you said, “I’m not asking you to understand or agree, I am asking you to accept that it’s making me feel miserable, angry and frustrated, and I would be happier if you did one day in the office. I need our relationship to have more space, and I need there to be times I have the house to myself because its good for my mental health.” Would he accept that?

@wetsummersundays

Where haven’t I compromised?

You won’t entertain people at home with him there. You don’t want to meet friends elsewhere. The WFH/housing situation/layout etc is off-limits for discussion and therefore problem-solving.

You want him out of the house.
He does not wish to go to the office.
Neither of you understand the other’s insistence.

In fact I’m not even discussing that. You feel I am wrong: fair enough. I still feel it. I can’t fundamentally change the fact I feel isolated and lonely and sad because you think I’m wrong, I’m sorry.

I’m not asking the world here. Once/twice a week for the next three weeks. That’s it.