DP thinks if it doesn’t bother him it doesn’t bother me

[wetsummersundays]

I work term time. DP has been wfh since the start of the pandemic, so March 2020. His office has been open for a while but he’s elicited to keep wfh. That’s fine.

But it is restricting my life quite a bit especially with regard to social visits. Tried to raise this with him and he just says it doesn’t bother him, it’s not a problem, to carry on as if he wasn’t around.

But to be honest it’s really bothering me now and I am at the absolute limit of him being here constantly. I’m not suggesting he goes back five days a week but I would like a few days respite before work starts.

How can I raise this in a way that doesn’t have him just saying it’s no problem, he doesn’t mind my friends being here?

And despite what I’ve posted I don’t think he’ll listen so I do think I’ll end up like @Ragwort. It just really stings that I have to. I am a bit depressed and spending time with friends is such a lift.

God, you’re so dramatic. If I was at the brink of losing my friends over my DP working from home I would look at alternatives to solve the problem instead of digging in my heels.

Why can’t you go to your friends house? Why can’t you do something outdoors? Why is it that the only place you can meet your friends is at your home?

This thread is nothing short of theatrical.

YANBU. I lived in a tiny London flat with DH pre-kids. I once took a random day off, thinking that I could slob around the flat in my PJs etc. DH decided to work from home - I nearly cried! I love him with all my heart and soul, but I just need time alone occasionally.

It's really hard to explain to anyone who's not an introvert (and isn't a poster on MN who loves nothing more than to give a stranger an online kicking, or is jealous because they never get time alone).

@premium77

God, you’re so dramatic. If I was at the brink of losing my friends over my DP working from home I would look at alternatives to solve the problem instead of digging in my heels.

Why can’t you go to your friends house? Why can’t you do something outdoors? Why is it that the only place you can meet your friends is at your home?

This thread is nothing short of theatrical.

Yep, I agree.

They can't be real friends if they'd drop you over something like this, frankly.

I’ve explained several times that I do go to friends but there comes a point where this should be reciprocated.

It also involves a very long drive which makes it a long and expensive day.

Ignoring the personal and unpleasant comments I feel both those points are reasonable. But I have been sucked into justifying why I feel as I do and tbh I should not have to. I feel it. Maybe I am wrong to feel as I do but I’m afraid I still do.

He sounds very entrenched in his attitude. I would feel clausterphobic (sp?) too.

As a friend I would feel uncomfortable too, who wants someone's DP/DH listening in on my visit to the gynaecologist/argument with my mum/boyfriend/neighbour/or swooning about a fancy man I've met recently.....?!

It ruins the "girl talk" doesn't it?

I would see it as a subtle form of control from him.

thank fuck I live alone

But why shouldn't the OP be able to ask people to her own home if she wants to?

I don’t think they would drop me but when you don’t see people you slowly start to edge out of their lives and that is what is currently happening.

It’s thoughtlessness rather than control and I could cite countless examples of this. It does make for a very frustrating relationship at times though.

What would happen if you just said, "I need a bit of privacy one day next week so that I can ask my friends to come round. Which day is best for you to go to the office?"

Can't he go to somewhere like Starbucks to work, just for an afternoon? If he's not keen on the office? I get that it might not be possible for him to do all his work in a public space, but could he at least do a few hours of it there?

She can. He isn't stopping her.

When I'm working, I block out sounds around me. I doubt he's even listening in any meaningful way anyway (not to the extent that it's anything more than background noise, anyway).

I think he’d just say oh I don’t need to go to the office, just have them round!

He honestly doesn’t understand it.

It doesn’t matter whether he’s listening or not. I don’t like it. If I am wrong to not like it that’s fine. I still don’t like it.

House. Home. Not office.

Is this the real issue? Not whether or not to have friends over.

You are missing the boundary between home and work and you'd like to re-establish it. For you, having some physical space that has nothing to do with work is an important thing. And getting back to that - just for a couple of days per week - would be good for you.

That seems like a better way into the conversation, because he can't so easily say "it doesn't bother me".

Honestly the amount of posts from women complaining about their husbands choosing to wfh is ridiculous. If it was the other way around men would be ripped to shreads!

I also think @GoldenOmber's approach is good. On these lines I'd be telling him that one of the people coming round needs to discuss her female reproductive system and its medical issues in depth and they'll freak out if there's a man in the house.

No actually.

I am happy for him to WFH. I am asking for a very small concession. Between four and six days, after seventeen months of concessions.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Honestly the amount of posts from women complaining about their husbands choosing to wfh is ridiculous. If it was the other way around men would be ripped to shreads!

That's not true.

We've had tons of cases of men working from home in the only living space, making their wives and children shut up while they're working, with women taking care of the children, home schooling when that was all happening, and doing their own jobs. It's been accepted nationally that this has been happening - it's not just people moaning on here.

@GoldenOmber is on her way here with wine and crisps.

Can't he go and work in a bedroom when you have friends over? Tell him to try to be considerate and try to stay upstairs and out of the way when you're friends are round. Surely he should understand you need space.

@wetsummersundays

No actually.

I am happy for him to WFH. I am asking for a very small concession. Between four and six days, after seventeen months of concessions.

So just ask him.

"I would like the house to myself for four to six days before I go back to school - can you please pick what days you'll go into the office."

As I’ve said, he would be just as baffled at being asked to relocate to a bedroom as he would be to going to the office. However we don’t have upstairs space.

I am so with you OP. I can't have friends round for a gossip and giggle when my husband is wfh. He doesn't mind us being here but it makes us feel gagged.

I'd do as @GoldenOmber said too.

Good luck

@category12

But why should he if he doesn't want to? It's his house as well.

Because it's not all about him and OP just needs a break in her own home. Once she's back to work he can WFH all the time again. Giving her a couple of days peace isn't asking much.

This works if he is also getting a break in his own home.

Given that the pandemic is definitely not over, I think it's quite reasonable to continue to avoid environments like offices.