Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP thinks if it doesn’t bother him it doesn’t bother me

305 replies

wetsummersundays · 08/08/2021 16:52

I work term time. DP has been wfh since the start of the pandemic, so March 2020. His office has been open for a while but he’s elicited to keep wfh. That’s fine.

But it is restricting my life quite a bit especially with regard to social visits. Tried to raise this with him and he just says it doesn’t bother him, it’s not a problem, to carry on as if he wasn’t around.

But to be honest it’s really bothering me now and I am at the absolute limit of him being here constantly. I’m not suggesting he goes back five days a week but I would like a few days respite before work starts.

How can I raise this in a way that doesn’t have him just saying it’s no problem, he doesn’t mind my friends being here?

OP posts:
Mmmmdanone · 08/08/2021 18:54

I totally understand op. My husband has been wfh all through the pandemic too and it's been awful. The house has changed. I don't even want to sit downstairs as we only have the dining room/living room which is open plan and he's working in the dining room. No way could have a friend round for a chat, unless they want to sit in my bedroom, which is where I mostly am. I'm wfh also, on my bed! But I go into the office on a rota. He could do the same, but he won't. Added to this we are in the process of separating. Him wfh isn't the reason we're separating but I think it's brought all my issues with him to a head. He's just never out. Sorry for the rant but in feel better now!

category12 · 08/08/2021 18:54

@thecognoscenti

You're sort of acting like he's been WFH purely to spite you, and not because it's an effort to stop people catching and spreading a very serious illness.
Eh, if I (presumably) worked in a school, I'd be kind of Hmm about his amazing sacrifice and protection from Covid by WFH.
Original poster
wetsummersundays · 08/08/2021 18:56

Of course I’m not acting like that. I have been very accommodating, which is why I feel my request is very fair.

I can understand why couples have been driven to separate Flowers

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 08/08/2021 19:01

How can I raise this in a way that doesn’t have him just saying it’s no problem, he doesn’t mind my friends being here?

Just laugh and say, er, it wasn’t YOU minding I was worried about! It’s really nothing to be worried about saying unless you yourself have the idea that what you want is unimportant or lesser. In which case you need to rid yourself of that notion yesterday. It’s your house before it’s his workplace.

blacksax · 08/08/2021 19:11

I get it OP.

And it would drive me round the bend as well.

Mmmmdanone · 08/08/2021 19:12

As your husband sounds nice though (unlike mine🙄) would he not just go into the office a couple of times just to make you happy? I would do this for someone I loved. He might even enjoy it.

Fairunibutterfly · 08/08/2021 19:25

Skipped to the end after page 4.

I do get where you’re coming from if you have no upstairs space.

For me this wouldn’t be an issue right now as we have an upstairs office and bathroom. On a few occasions we’ve had people round while one wfh and other than popping our heads in to say an initial hi and a cup of tea, we can stay out of each other’s way and know the person wfh won’t hear (and busy so wouldn’t be listening in).

If my oh was working in the next room, walking in to use the loo, I wouldn’t feel comfortable mainly for my guests. I think the only way is saying your guests don’t feel comfortable with him there. You’re just asking for once a week/once every couple of weeks during the summer holidays so I don’t think you’re asking for much.

As an aside our office is still closed so we wouldn’t have the option to do the odd day in the office but I presume from your first post your oh has this option.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 08/08/2021 19:49

I suppose if the people with whom I live (multi-generational household, no couples) came to me and said, "Please go to the office and work, we're trying to have a social life here" - I would go to the office 2x a week.

HaveringWavering · 08/08/2021 19:51

@wetsummersundays

It’s very rare. I mean, perhaps twice a week to the supermarket. So there is a worry about his own health in fact but that’s probably one for another day.

I can’t really be renting air bnbs just to get a bit of peace and quiet Grin I’m not rich! And yes with my friends but that’s the point. I go to them then they come here … except that isn’t happening.

OK you’re being wilfully obtuse now. My suggestion about renting a home-from-home to meet up halfway between you was to save you both a very long drive, split between two and offset against petrol it could well have been affordable. “getting some peace and quiet” would have been a collateral benefit.

Anyway, it’s not for you, it was just a thought.

Can you please walk us through the conversation verbatim so we can understand where the block is.

OP: I’d love Betty to come round next week but I’m really not comfortable with you being here when we are chatting. Could you please go into the office?

DH: oh, I don’t mind her being here while I’m working.

OP: Well you see the thing is that I DO mind. And so does Betty. Please can you go to the office?

DH: ???

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 08/08/2021 19:58

Is this a ‘give me actual answers’ thread or a ‘please emote with me’ thread? Neither is wrong, but given the course it has taken so far I feel I need more guidance before I compose a substantive reply.

BrilloPaddy · 08/08/2021 20:00

Oh god that would drive me batshit OP. DH and I work together, but I leave around an hour before he does to come home and walk the dogs/start tea. If I didn't get the house to myself at times, I'd be evil. When we worked together from home for the 1st 3 months of the pandemic, I used to send him into the business premises most days to check the alarm/get the post etc so I had a few moments to myself.

Original poster
wetsummersundays · 08/08/2021 20:01

Of course I’m not being wilfully obtuse. Renting a property on air bnb is very expensive and not an option for me. I’m sorry if you think I was purposefully obtuse, it was not my intent, but I do think it is reasonable to point out finances are an obstruction to this suggestion.

OP posts:
Iggly · 08/08/2021 20:02

I told my DH in no uncertain terms (politely) that I needed him to leave the house. Driving me fucking nuts.

The way I explained it was that it’s nice for him to go, for me to look forward to him coming back and telling me all the things he’s been doing.

Tippexy · 08/08/2021 20:07

He can take his laptop into your bedroom for the day, surely. Very odd thread.

Original poster
wetsummersundays · 08/08/2021 20:09

As I have said no, he is just as reluctant to move from his main working area into any other part of the house. I’m sorry you feel it is odd.

OP posts:
burritofan · 08/08/2021 20:18

When you say you’re being accommodating, that still comes across as sounding like you feel the house is your territory, especially on your non-working days, and you’re doing DH a favour letting him WFH.

Would you be feeling as penned in if his office wasn’t actually an option – is it just because he technically could piss off for the day? – or if you worked full time rather than term time, so you wouldn’t have the free days to be annoyed by him?

knittingaddict · 08/08/2021 20:27

@ApolloandDaphne

Did you post about this a few weeks back? It seems very familiar. I think if your DH isn't keen to go back to the office then you have to accept this. He os more than happy for you to have friends round so is not curtailing your social life. It is you who is doing this. I say this as someone whose DH was away much of the week and is now here pretty much all the time. His being here does not curtail my social life in any way. I just crack on doing what I used to do when he wasn't around.
This. I immediately remembered the thread you are talking about.

Can't see this going in a different direction to the last one.

VeraDonovan · 08/08/2021 20:31

OP. I understand. My husband has hardly left the house for 17 months. I work out of the house and when I’m at home he’s there constantly. He never goes anywhere on his own or with friends. I feel like I’m suffocating.

chopc · 08/08/2021 20:32

I know! You can meet at your friend's place? And can explain why you can't have them at yours. If they are good friends they will understand. If not then you can ask them for suggestions how you can tackle your issue .

category12 · 08/08/2021 20:34

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

Is this a ‘give me actual answers’ thread or a ‘please emote with me’ thread? Neither is wrong, but given the course it has taken so far I feel I need more guidance before I compose a substantive reply.
It's a please emote with me thread.
Original poster
wetsummersundays · 08/08/2021 21:00

Lost as to what the demands are as to what is wanted from the thread. There are some brilliant suggestions (and some mad ones!) - if they don’t work it isn’t the posters fault.

When I say accommodating I simply mean I have tried to be considerate of DPs needs. That is all.

OP posts:
SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 08/08/2021 21:06

Ah ok - it’s a fight club thread. Good luck with that then. I’ll move on.

RantyAunty · 08/08/2021 21:16

I do understand what you mean.

I think you'll just have to tell him that you're having friends over and he needs to go to the office, cafe, library to work that day.

And if he goes to his default that he is ok with it, you'll have to be firm and say that you aren't ok with it. You need privacy with your friends.

If he still doesn't get it or refuses to then you've got bigger problems.

MichelleScarn · 08/08/2021 22:00

How does/did it work when you are both at work and you can only see friends at weekends? Does he need to leave the house then too?

HaveringWavering · 08/08/2021 22:35

@wetsummersundays

Of course I’m not being wilfully obtuse. Renting a property on air bnb is very expensive and not an option for me. I’m sorry if you think I was purposefully obtuse, it was not my intent, but I do think it is reasonable to point out finances are an obstruction to this suggestion.
I meant that you were being obtuse by saying that my suggestion was “just” to get you some peace and quiet when I had clearly said that it was to address the long drive problem. Nothing to do with you citing financial constraints. But I see you are still refusing to tell us exactly what your husband has said when you have asked him to sod off out for the day.