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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dragged into parent's row again

186 replies

Workyticket · 07/08/2021 21:45

My mam and dad have been together 50 years. It feels like every time they row I get dragged into it and I'm absolutely sick of it.

We got married 4 weeks ago. Postponed twice due to covid. Planning was shite and 99% of it was done via messenger or email. No hen or stag do, no visiting flower shops. Nothing really.

Wedding was 1 day before restrictions lifted. Venue were great but it was stressful right up to the day with ds in isolation, relatives not able to make it etc. Wedding was great and a huge relief to get it done quite frankly.

My dad rang a couple of days ago to say my mam had cried every day since the wedding and that they were fighting about it. She wasn't involved enough in the planning, my MIL didn't talk to her enough etc...

They both had covid the week before last Mam was poorly, dad was fine. I rang dad every day, dropped shopping etc at the door. Mam was asleep every time I rang. Dad says she's cried about that. Nobody cares enough to ring her phone etc.

I have 2 siblings. Neither phoned them. One sent 2 texts the entire time. I'm the one who fusses for birthdays, has them for Xmas, checks in on them etc. Siblings do shit all.

I've kept my distance. No honeymoon but we're trying to enjoy some time together etc and I couldn't be arsed with the drama.

I've had texts from dad yesterday and today with "why have you fallen out with mam" "you'll miss her when she's gone" blah blah.

They've turned up today as we were getting ready to go for a meal demanding to clear the air. Mam crying saying she hadn't said any of the things dad had told me. Him semi denying it, just repeating "life is too short, you only get 1 mam"

I've literally done nothing bar listen to him on the phone and keep my distance for a week yet I'm caught again in their he said / she said drama. I explained about planning being shit, there was nothing be involved in really as she doesn't use the Internet.

She cried saying she expected to clear the air, not argue (I was asking them to clarify the he said / she said shite rather than just letting it go)

I've no clue why I'm posting. I've read other family drama on here and this obviously isn't in that league but om bone tired of being dragged into their rows and the emotional "you only get one mam and dad" shit.

Sorry - so long. Even if nobody responds I've got it off my chest.

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 07/08/2021 21:48

Send them a message..
Not sure if you both remember but we have just got married!! We are going off radar for 2 weeks to enjoy the start of married life.

Take care..
Love you both.
Op
Xx
and feel no regret.
Block their numbers for 2 weeks.

Bjarnum · 07/08/2021 21:50

Some parents are just stressful! No magic answers but I'm rooting for you Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2021 21:51

You can't be dragged into all this unless you allow it. Put your foot down and refuse to engage in this faux drama nonsense.

Frannibananni · 07/08/2021 21:52

I couldn’t not respond, I hope you get some good advice from here. What do your sibling say about their behaviour? Obviously they are sick of the drama ( I couldn’t deal with it.)

DoingItMyself · 07/08/2021 21:53

FFS! You need a rest from your parents.

'You only get one mam' is emotionally blackmail. Even if it's not worth the hassle of telling them to fuck off with that, you can think it. Adjusting your mindset helps. People use a 'grey rock' method with their partners... might be worth looking it up and applying it here.

You need to create some boundaries. Think about what you would want this relationship to be like, and act like that's how it is.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 07/08/2021 21:53

Even before I got to the part where you said your mum said she didnt say that, I thought your dad was shit-stirring.

Do you ever spend time with your mum alone? How does that go?

Original poster
Workyticket · 07/08/2021 21:56

@Frannibananni

I couldn’t not respond, I hope you get some good advice from here. What do your sibling say about their behaviour? Obviously they are sick of the drama ( I couldn’t deal with it.)
Parents only come to.me with the drama. Both siblings are shit. I do every birthday and special occasion for them, have them every Christmas (went to PIL one year and got a call to say she'd cried half the day)

They do a couple of school drop offs and pick ups for ds so not completely one sided. We're grateful but they did it for siblings too when their kids were young

OP posts:
Original poster
Workyticket · 07/08/2021 21:57

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Send them a message.. Not sure if you both remember but we have just got married!! We are going off radar for 2 weeks to enjoy the start of married life.

Take care..
Love you both.
Op
Xx
and feel no regret.
Block their numbers for 2 weeks.

wish I'd done this. Feel a bit far in now 😪
OP posts:
AmberIsACertainty · 07/08/2021 21:59

My dad rang a couple of days ago to say my mam had cried every day since the wedding and that they were fighting about it. She wasn't involved enough in the planning, my MIL didn't talk to her enough etc...

Absolutely none of this is your problem, even if it was true. You didn't need to listen to all that. It would have been fine to say you don't want to hear it or talk about it and to end the phone call.

People like your parents aren't going to be easy to have boundaries with and they'll try to fight against any you put in place, making life exhausting for you with feeling like you have to constantly defend yourself.

Distancing yourself is the right thing to do. It's a big thing to cut parents out of your life so I understand if you're not ready to do that yet, or ever. But the only way you'll get peace is with distance. In this situation, I'd move home and not tell them the new address. I'm not joking. If you can go to another part of the country, so they can't just drop round easily if they manage to harass someone else into giving them the address, that's even better.

Also get a new home phone number and don't tell them that. If it's your mobile they're phoning you will be able to see who is calling and can choose not to answer. Start turning your phone off/unplugging the landline and not answering the door after a certain time in the evening, to give you some peace before you sleep.

It's totally ok to choose to do this even if it upsets them. You're not responsible for their emotional well-being or for how they deal with any emotions they're feeling. You don't have to 'make everything ok' for them if they're upset, they need to learn to do this for themselves. But it's unlikely at their age that they ever will, most people learn as children and young adults, it's part of growing up.

Original poster
Workyticket · 07/08/2021 22:00

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Even before I got to the part where you said your mum said she didnt say that, I thought your dad was shit-stirring.

Do you ever spend time with your mum alone? How does that go?

I called him a shit stirrer today actually

Yes, pre covid I spent a lot of time with Mam 1:1. Took her out for lunch regularly, weekends away for birthdays etc. She's always been 'emotional'

I've always tread on egg Shells. Never allowed to disagree so as not to make her cry.

Not really my nature, I'm feisty as fuck with everyone else.

OP posts:
SilverRoe · 07/08/2021 22:00

Both siblings are shit or both siblings refuse to engage with the drama?

Original poster
Workyticket · 07/08/2021 22:03

@SilverRoe

Both siblings are shit or both siblings refuse to engage with the drama?
they're shit. They don't see the drama. Sometimes rock up with a birthday card for parents, often don't bother.

Treated like the proverbial prodigal sons when they do.

OP posts:
AmberIsACertainty · 07/08/2021 22:03

Your siblings aren't shit. They're strong people with healthy boundaries who are protecting themselves from harm. You need to do the same.

AmberIsACertainty · 07/08/2021 22:06

Ok I take that back they are a bit shit! But they're still doing better at handling this situation than you are. What a surprise you're the woman child and they're the men. Your parents are dumping their nonsense on the 'default carer'. You don't have to accept the role they've cast you in.

Original poster
Workyticket · 07/08/2021 22:09

@AmberIsACertainty

Ok I take that back they are a bit shit! But they're still doing better at handling this situation than you are. What a surprise you're the woman child and they're the men. Your parents are dumping their nonsense on the 'default carer'. You don't have to accept the role they've cast you in.
This is exactly it. I work full time and already worry they'll default 8me.when they start needing more help

They're currently sprightly 70 year olds but that's not going to last.

We all live within 10 minutes of each other.

I'll not be moving or change my number whoever suggested it. They're my parents and I love them.

I just dont want to handle the emotional guilt they pile on me anymore.

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 07/08/2021 22:11

**

Very true!

Branleuse · 07/08/2021 22:14

I think i might reply something like, i can see you guys are upset about something, but try not to overthink it. I thought it all went ok in the circumstances despite the lack of planning. We are switching off for a bit in lieu of a honeymoon. Speak soon, love you x

SilverRoe · 07/08/2021 22:16

Ah your siblings are the men and you are the woman?

I think given what the situation already is then it’s fairly likely yes you will also be expected to step up for care needs in the future.

It’s not easy but i think you need to make some choices about how more of yourself you’re willing to sacrifice to them.

Cloudfrost · 07/08/2021 22:19

sorry but ur mum is a narc, ur dad an enabler, and you are completely emerged in F O G (fear of upsetting, obligation of dealing with them, guilt cause they are ur parents and u love them )

throw in the mix some children, and u have filled the bingo card of narcs

it is not normal to have to step on eggshells around people
it is not normal to have to be guilt tripped with crying whenver u dare disagree with them
it is not normal to be afraid that ur mum will start crying if u dont answer the phone or some other little thing

take a step back and think about your behavior about them, and how much of the things u do for them/with them are because u genuinely want to, and how much is it out of fog- ....

Cloudfrost · 07/08/2021 22:19

golen children that should say-ur siblings

Pissinthepottyplease · 07/08/2021 22:21

@AmberIsACertainty

Your siblings aren't shit. They're strong people with healthy boundaries who are protecting themselves from harm. You need to do the same.
This! You’re in an emotionally abusive relationship with your parents which will be tricky to change. It’s not healthy to be on egg shells in a relationship. You need to read some books and/or see a counsellor and figure out how you can start putting boundaries in place and realising you need to change your behaviour because you can’t control theirs.
Original poster
Workyticket · 07/08/2021 22:24

@Cloudfrost

sorry but ur mum is a narc, ur dad an enabler, and you are completely emerged in F O G (fear of upsetting, obligation of dealing with them, guilt cause they are ur parents and u love them )

throw in the mix some children, and u have filled the bingo card of narcs

it is not normal to have to step on eggshells around people
it is not normal to have to be guilt tripped with crying whenver u dare disagree with them
it is not normal to be afraid that ur mum will start crying if u dont answer the phone or some other little thing

take a step back and think about your behavior about them, and how much of the things u do for them/with them are because u genuinely want to, and how much is it out of fog- ....

Sadly i think you're near the mark

I suspect my mamhas stopped taking her (low dose but on them for decades) antidepressants as her behaviour ramps when she does.

I've always been closer to dad. Felt sorry for him putting up with my mam's emotional instability but I've seen a different side to him today

I adore them but have made careful choices to make sure they're included. DPIL are so much easier, never any drama.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 07/08/2021 22:27

You need to remind them that THEY are adults. Mum’s crying again? Give that as much attention as you would a toddler who is throwing a tantrum. That’s why she’s doing after all. Your Dad IS. A shit-stirrer and he is also trying to throw your mother’s behaviour your way. You have to handball it straight back to him. This is THEIR stupid game and you don’t have to play it.

Cloudfrost · 07/08/2021 22:55

you should really stop putting their emotional needs as your priority.
dont feel sorry for them cause they have chosen to live in this toxic little world of theirs, its your choice whether you will participate as well. they have been like that all your life, they arent going to change now, especially since you serve the role of an emotional punchbag. you are not responsible for them they are adults

you need to take care of yourself and your emotional health.
I do think u need to go low contact at least temporarily, and take some time away from the drama and emoptional blackmail, to think calmly aboy what you want from the relationship, and decide what your boundaries need to be, cause at the moment you have none with regards to them. then you can go back and tell them about what you have decided, but u do need to be ready to step back short or long term from them every time they disrespect your boundaries.

you need to sort this now, before you and DH have kids, as the emotional blackmail will be worse!! i can totally see ur mum flipping out if she isnt 100% involved in prgagncy and then play the poor me card every time, she misses anything , or baby spends time with ILs

Cloudfrost · 07/08/2021 22:57

i hate typing on my pc! where is the autocorrect when u need it lol