Dragged into parent's row again

[Workyticket]

My mam and dad have been together 50 years. It feels like every time they row I get dragged into it and I'm absolutely sick of it.

We got married 4 weeks ago. Postponed twice due to covid. Planning was shite and 99% of it was done via messenger or email. No hen or stag do, no visiting flower shops. Nothing really.

Wedding was 1 day before restrictions lifted. Venue were great but it was stressful right up to the day with ds in isolation, relatives not able to make it etc. Wedding was great and a huge relief to get it done quite frankly.

My dad rang a couple of days ago to say my mam had cried every day since the wedding and that they were fighting about it. She wasn't involved enough in the planning, my MIL didn't talk to her enough etc...

They both had covid the week before last Mam was poorly, dad was fine. I rang dad every day, dropped shopping etc at the door. Mam was asleep every time I rang. Dad says she's cried about that. Nobody cares enough to ring her phone etc.

I have 2 siblings. Neither phoned them. One sent 2 texts the entire time. I'm the one who fusses for birthdays, has them for Xmas, checks in on them etc. Siblings do shit all.

I've kept my distance. No honeymoon but we're trying to enjoy some time together etc and I couldn't be arsed with the drama.

I've had texts from dad yesterday and today with "why have you fallen out with mam" "you'll miss her when she's gone" blah blah.

They've turned up today as we were getting ready to go for a meal demanding to clear the air. Mam crying saying she hadn't said any of the things dad had told me. Him semi denying it, just repeating "life is too short, you only get 1 mam"

I've literally done nothing bar listen to him on the phone and keep my distance for a week yet I'm caught again in their he said / she said drama. I explained about planning being shit, there was nothing be involved in really as she doesn't use the Internet.

She cried saying she expected to clear the air, not argue (I was asking them to clarify the he said / she said shite rather than just letting it go)

I've no clue why I'm posting. I've read other family drama on here and this obviously isn't in that league but om bone tired of being dragged into their rows and the emotional "you only get one mam and dad" shit.

Sorry - so long. Even if nobody responds I've got it off my chest.

Well done op for being strong and changing the dynamic of the relationship. Don't feel guilty, it's her own doing, if she wants a better relationship it's up to her to start acting like a decent adult x

Your parents are getting old. and it often happens that aged people can go over the top with their sentiments., and sometimes reminisce about how everything should be perfect in their families. If you have a parent,who is quite sensitive, and gets upset about general family matters, I don't think they will change any time soon.

You're doing well , just be prepared for it to get harder before it gets better.

You need to decide in advance how you will react/deal with situations. You already know most of what they're going to throw at you because they've been doing it for years.

Don't let your dad shit stir - call him out on it every time. Demand to speak to your mum and if she won't come to the phone end then phone call. Tell him the truth "after the last time when you stood there and blatantly denied tell me all that nonsense that we know full well you told me I don't want to hear any more from you about it."

If they complain about babysitting - "shall I cook them into breakfast/after school club then if you don't want to do that? I'm more than happy to do that?"

Crying every day - "That is not normal and you need to see a doctor about it. I am not a doctor and I cannot be your carer for this."

You only have one mam - "and what does that have to do with it? You chose to have children, you chose to have me, I didn't choose to be born and I don't owe you for it!"

Your mum suffered abuse - " she will need to seek help from professionals to deal with that. I am not the person to help her with that." "I didn't abuse her, why am I the person who has to suffer for her being abused?"

Etc.

Stay strong. You can do this. You won't always get it right, and you likely won't always stay strong enough, but going forward you can deal with it better than you have in the past, and hopefully in a way that has less of a negative impact on you.

You've made the first step. I know how hard it is to keep those boundaries up, it will feel "wrong" because you've been trained to have none. You need to stay strong especially for this early stage. When I read your OP I immediately knew your mum was throwing a strop because she couldn't be front and centre of YOUR wedding, and instead of blaming the pandemic, she was blaming you. Because you are and always have been the scapegoat. Don't get dragged into back and fores about her shit childhood. Not relevant. Not your fault she's crying. Not your fault she won't take her meds. And don't get into discussions with your dad, either. I suspect he's thriving on being an enabler. Sorry to be so blunt

OP,
I feel so sorry for you and for your poor husband.

I cannot imagine the stress he has had to live with, being with someone who has suchba dreadful family that bleed his wife dry.

As for your son?
I would be making other arrangements for him.
There is NO way he is not being damaged and goodness knows what is being said behind your back.

Well done for finally pulling back a bit.

But you really need to take the excellent advice above and back away further.

You have had a hugely emotionally abusive childhood.
Counselling would be good for you.

If you are not very careful and strong, you are going to be their carer's and the next 10+ years of your life will continue to be miserable.

Get counselling to help prevent this.

Your son must have witnessed a lot of stress and drama in such a household.

He really deserves a happy, relaxed mother who isn't dealing with this relentless drama, tears, manipulation all the time.

You did a great job not playing her game as you’ve been trained to do. She will eventually learn that this doesn’t work if you are consistent.

@1forAll74

Your parents are getting old. and it often happens that aged people can go over the top with their sentiments., and sometimes reminisce about how everything should be perfect in their families. If you have a parent,who is quite sensitive, and gets upset about general family matters, I don't think they will change any time soon.

It's been like this for as long as I can remember.

I'm 43. My mam walked out when I was 14 and didn't come home for a fortnight. I was ironing mine and my brothers' uniforms in the front room when she walked up the path with a bag of shopping intending to cook tea as if nothing had happened.

I was so shocked after not sleeping / sitting by the phone for 2 weeks I wouldn't let her in. My dad was so upset with me - she came home the next day and we've literally never discussed what happened / where she went.

I've not been allowed to disagree or upset her since that day in case she goes away again

Unbelievable.

Have you ANY concept of how truly fxxked up that is?

You have been horribly emotionally abused by both your parents.

Why you would want to be near them is extraordinary.

You must be in some massive FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) to have tolerated this for so long.

Really shocking.

Your parents are some pieces of work.

OP my mum did the same, although I was older. She decided to make an entrance back into the house as we were having a birthday party for one of her (very young) grandchildren.

It's just controlling and abusive behaviour. Similarly, when I asked my mum why she would refuse to talk to us for days (frequently during my childhood), she just said "it works".

The best thing I did, once I started to realise (and then it all starts to unravel - much the way as it is for you) is to get counselling. That has helped immensely.

Obviously over the years I've been pissed iff about their behaviour but I've never seen it as that bad to be honest.

The crying iver the wedding felt like the small straw that broke the camel's back really - I was so happy that we'd had a lovely day despite all the stress leading up to it that I was genuine furious at them spoiling it.

It's funny, I hope you don't mind me sharing, but you talking about your wedding day, made me remember mine. Mum got me up at 5am to make her and Dad breakfast in bed. She completely ruined the very special occasion of getting all our hair and make up done, because she didn't like how the hairdresser had done hers. She was furious that she didn't get to ride in the car that I'd hired knowing my father would love it. At 8am the next day, she called to find out where the hell were we, because we needed to be back at ours to host the after match. She, to this day, has never had a sympathetic word for me having camphylabacter (sp) and shingles on my wedding day, being out of my mind with pain and drugs!

It's ridiculous what we put up with being 'our normal' when we're young, and in the thick of it, and you look back, and you think - what the ever loving hell?! What mother treats their child like this?!

Are you the youngest and the only daughter? It may be a combination of your mum feeling like she has lost her youngest now you are married. Mother of the bride can always go a bit crazy at weddings anyway. I empathise OP.

I fell out with my dad once over a a house renovation job that went badly wrong. I was heavily pregnant and every time I saw him he would bring it up. I wrote him a letter to tell him how upset I was. He did stop after that.

I'm the middle child but the only daughter.. I'm 43 though and me and dh have been tigether for donkeys years. Not livesd at home since i was 20

Literally speechless after reading this, you are being dragged through the mill by your parents.

It’s your mams world isn’t it? The rest of us are just background scenery. Weddings change the dynamic somewhat.

As a 5yo I remember my dad saying you only get one dad and even then I thought Good!.

I honestly spent half of my wedding day thinking that my mam was seriously ill. Dad was pretty emotional and said a few times "you'll miss us when we're gone" and "you only get 1 mam"

I said in my letter that if mam was ill I'd rather know. I'm 43 and would like to be supportive.

She countered it by saying she was hurt i thought she was a "headcase"

I found her depression difficult to understand when I was young - I've been lucky not to suffer myself. But I've never called her names to do with her mental health - ever

Just re-found this OP. Can I ask how things have been?

I just dont want to handle the emotional guilt they pile on me anymore.

& you describe yourself as feisty in real life, so you can decide to tackle this. You've obviously been cast into the life-long role of Caring Child, who gets dumped on, while your brothers have the role of Detached Children Who Get The Fatted Calf.

You can't change that dynamic. You can only change your response to it. It sounds fucking exhausting - basically, your mother uses tears & manipulation to make everything about her, while simultaneously refusing to acknowledge all the input you are putting in. It must be frustrating & enraging, & for your own MH, it's time to put boundaries in place.

Next time one of them rings you up with tears or tales of woe, say exactly what you have said here:
"I've had enough of you piling this emotional guilt on me. I don't deserve it, & I'm not going to respond to it. Call me when you are ready to talk to me without making manipulative & untrue statements, because I will not engage in this rubbish anymore."

Harsh - but at least they will back off temporarily.
You will probably also have to endure an Extinction Burst as they try to shoehorn you back into Emotional Rescuer mode.
www.allanarobinson.com/extinctionbursts/

Be ready with either Grey Rock or redirection:
"I told you I don't want to hear about your squabbles any more - I'm not your default grown up."
"I don't know & am not going to discuss it - why don't you ring (one of my brothers) about it?"
"What happens in your marriage is your business & you need to sort it out yourselves."
"I'm not your relationship referee & I don;t want to hear this."

Don't engage beyond short response statements like these - & then either change to conversation to something bland & grey-rocky, or end the call, or leave their house - whatever.
You have to SHOW them that you mean this, & will no longer tolerate their emotional banditry.

@Workyticket

I'm thinking about writing it all down in a letter and pushing it through their door in the morning

We're off to stay with friends for 2 days so would tell them not to contact me to give us all some head space...

Not sure this will be at all helpful.

I understand where the instinct comes from - you are desperately searching for a form of words that will finally break through to them that their behaviour is unacceptable & needs to change. It is a really common feeling - that need to be heard, be understood, to finally achieve some kind of equilibrium within the relationship.

Sadly, they are so dysfunctional that nothing you will say will allow them to perceive the depths of their own disordered thinking & actions. They will never respond to you in the way you wish them to, they will never take responsibility for their own feelings, & they will continue to entrap & enmesh you at every turn.

They are not capable of deep-seated change - so a letter, a heartfelt speech, hell - even an intervention including your DB's would not work.
So the only thing you can do to change the dynamic is to change your approach & response to it.

A letter or speech outlining your feelings will 100% be viewed as an attack. There is no wording that will convey to them that you are reasonable, are being treated unfairly, & that they are out of line. A letter would be used against you & dredged up for years.

I think you are better to deal with the situation 'in the moment', by tackling each individual instance as it arises. You need to develop & practice a strategy whereby you calmly but firmly reject their emotional terrorism, then either deflect the conversation to a different & bland topic - or withdraw entirely:

"As I've said a few times now, I don't want to discuss this because it's between you & mum. Shall we have roast chicken when you come over on sunday?"

"Yeah, you've talked about the wedding planning several times now mum, but I don't understand what you want me to do about it now it's over. What do you think of this jumper, should I get it in the yellow or blue?"

"Dad, I'm not sure why you're ringing me to tell me mum's in tears again. You need to sort that out between you as adults, because it's not my marriage & not my job. Give me a call when you're feeling more chipper, gotta dash, bye for now."

Hope you have fun on your 2 days away.
Don't tell them you won't be available - just let them know you are away, & BE unavailable! If you get masses of texts or missed calls, send one text reply - ONE! - just saying "hi. we're away, will contact you when we're back & settled." THEN STOP ENGAGING.

Every time you respond to their batshit demands, you are setting yourself up for nothing but more demands. It's time to demonstrate that they can cry, call, text, whinge, make total arses of themselves ... but you will only respond on YOUR terms & timeline.

It won't be easy initially - but it will be easier than tolerating this bullshit for several more decades.

@Workyticket

I've pushed it through their door. I k ow that advise waa not to but it's impossible to explain anything in person because my mam just cries.

I don't want to cut them off. I love them. This is their chance to consider the impact of their behaviour. Obviously if they choose not to then I'll have to think about that.

Ooops, sorry OP - I am still playing catch-up ...

Says I should ask my uncle about it. He lives in Australia

"Mum, I'm sorry this happened to you, but how on earth would it help for me to go upsetting Uncle with it?
I appreciate you need to talk this through, but I am not a psychiatrist. You need to engage a professional to help you come to terms with this - it's not something a daughter & laywoman can do for you."

I told mine straight, I'm sick of your constant drama, sort it out or you won't see me them moved 300 miles away. I can't be doing with it.

@Workyticket.
I followed your story and it resonated with some of my family members. How are things going for you now?

i think there are many older parents,who have the same mindsets as yours do, kind of needy, and maybe not much going on in their lives etc. and then think that others should pay them more attention.

Is your Mother the type of person, who would like to receive a letter now and again, like a form of chatting to her, and she can then mull over the things you say. when you are not going to visit etc.

Letters generally make people think that you genuinely care about them. without having to deal with any hassle having to be spoken about face to face.

i think there are many older parents, who have the same mindsets as yours do, kind of needy, and maybe not much going on in their lives etc. and then think that others should pay them more attention.

Say what?

Sorry, I though this thread had died off. Re-reading and Reading the later comments has been really helpful

Things aren't any better. Mam hasn't tried to speak to me since it all kicked up. I drop ds at theirs twice a week for them to walk him to school. Dad speaks. Mam hides in the bedroom.

They do pick up twice once a week too, bringing ds home and staying with him till we get home. Mam now leaves and walks home before I get home.

It's pathetic and draining. Dad says we're as bad as each other and that we need to sort it out. I've explained that I won't be back tracking on anything I've said. I've not hidden away - she's altered her behavior like a child.

I've not seen or heard from either brother but that's not unusual at all. We're not close.

DH has said we're not having them for Christmas while she's behaving as she is as we're not putting up with an atmosphere

I spoke to my mother in law after she asked if I was OK and it all came pouring out. She was really lovely about it and re-assured me that I wasn't at fault.

I'm heartbroken still - I find myself thinking "ooh, I'll ring and tell Mam that" quite often but don't. I can't see things ever being repaired without me bowing down and then I'd be paying for it for the rest of my life.