Dragged into parent's row again

[Workyticket]

My mam and dad have been together 50 years. It feels like every time they row I get dragged into it and I'm absolutely sick of it.

We got married 4 weeks ago. Postponed twice due to covid. Planning was shite and 99% of it was done via messenger or email. No hen or stag do, no visiting flower shops. Nothing really.

Wedding was 1 day before restrictions lifted. Venue were great but it was stressful right up to the day with ds in isolation, relatives not able to make it etc. Wedding was great and a huge relief to get it done quite frankly.

My dad rang a couple of days ago to say my mam had cried every day since the wedding and that they were fighting about it. She wasn't involved enough in the planning, my MIL didn't talk to her enough etc...

They both had covid the week before last Mam was poorly, dad was fine. I rang dad every day, dropped shopping etc at the door. Mam was asleep every time I rang. Dad says she's cried about that. Nobody cares enough to ring her phone etc.

I have 2 siblings. Neither phoned them. One sent 2 texts the entire time. I'm the one who fusses for birthdays, has them for Xmas, checks in on them etc. Siblings do shit all.

I've kept my distance. No honeymoon but we're trying to enjoy some time together etc and I couldn't be arsed with the drama.

I've had texts from dad yesterday and today with "why have you fallen out with mam" "you'll miss her when she's gone" blah blah.

They've turned up today as we were getting ready to go for a meal demanding to clear the air. Mam crying saying she hadn't said any of the things dad had told me. Him semi denying it, just repeating "life is too short, you only get 1 mam"

I've literally done nothing bar listen to him on the phone and keep my distance for a week yet I'm caught again in their he said / she said drama. I explained about planning being shit, there was nothing be involved in really as she doesn't use the Internet.

She cried saying she expected to clear the air, not argue (I was asking them to clarify the he said / she said shite rather than just letting it go)

I've no clue why I'm posting. I've read other family drama on here and this obviously isn't in that league but om bone tired of being dragged into their rows and the emotional "you only get one mam and dad" shit.

Sorry - so long. Even if nobody responds I've got it off my chest.

I had a shit childhood. Physical and emotional abuse from both parents. Lots of neglect. Drug and alcohol abuse from golden child brother who was also violent. SA as a teen. (Other family members involved.) I left home early and I put myself in therapy. I have three wonderful kids who are 15,15 (twins) and 17. They have always been given clear, age-appropriate boundaries and have been spoken to with respect because I expect them to be respectful, empathetic, intelligent human beings. (It was my parenting manifesto, tbh, after seeing how dysfunctional and enmeshed my extended family was.) I would say that my kids are developing into independent, functioning adults quite nicely (at the moment), and they have been very capable of observing the dysfunctional relationships between the few family members I have allowed them to interact with while growing up. (Never unsupervised, or for very long.)

As you don’t want to remove yourself from their lives, I would recommend learning the “Grey Rock” technique to learn how to cope with their behaviour, and start to limit contact gradually. Have a prepared list of excuses for getting off the phone or having to leave the house in a hurry. Have your keys, bag and coat ready to go at all times in case they drop by. Extend your social life. Get some new hobbies. Go to the gym. Get out away from their influence. You will be happier and you will evolve as a person too.

@justilou1 your childhood sounds hideous, I'm so sorry 😞

Hi OP, just wanted to say hi and that you are not alone. I ended up going LC with my mother as she was similar. Somehow everyone should put up with her behaviour as she had a rubbish childhood. It was my fault we was not close, dunno how I was the kid in the situation when she said it. Always in competition with other side of the family when I had kids. I just ended up not answering the phone to listen to whatever I had done wrong now or she was happy about. My dad would just keep quiet and spineless. She was known to lie but never pulled up on it. She felt like I owed her as she was my mother. One day it clicked she was never going to be happy no matter how much time and effort I put in. So I told her how I felt, she tried to blame me. That was it. No more egg shells. Such a weight lifted. I don't owe her her happiness that is on her and I ain't going to feel sorry for having boundaries and not pander to her every whim or demand. You are an adult now and she needs to respect that.

PurpleMustang
I had exactly the same realisation in my early 50s with my mum. I'd been manipulated by her for years and then the penny finally dropped that no matter what I did, she would always be unhappy and feel aggrieved that she was entitled to more. It was completely liberating. Now I don't give a shiny shit and just do what I want and am much happier. And she is as unhappy as she has always been. My behaviour was always irrelevant.

I'm home with Covid so giving more time to this than I probably should.

I've gone back through her letter. It details a horrendous Christmas eve where she witnessed DV. Says I should ask my uncle about it. He lives in Australia

However i have an aunt that I'm quite close to - Mam's sister. She is only 3.5 years older than mam so no way she'd not have been at home (the letter says my Uncle was 4, Mam would have been 10 so Aunt only 13.5)

Mam has always said my aunts don't remember the violence as they'd left home. Not at 13 though - I know she didn't.

Obviously I can't call bullshit because it's such a sensitive topic but it really doesn't make sense.

Workyticket, to be blunt, it's irrelevant. It's not up to you to disprove or prove your mother's account of her history. It does not justify her behaviour towards you, which is emotionally abusive and manipulative. If she wants a therapist, she can do what everyone else does, pay for one. If she wants a whipping girl, then hopefully she's shit of luck, she didn't give birth to somebody who has to be one.

You do not owe her the sacrifice of your life, your emotional well-being, your happiness. I say this as somebody who suffered pretty bad abuse, who has done her level best to ensure my children are as impacted as little as possible by it, know as little as possible about it - because I had my mother justify my shit childhood and her bad behaviour on the basis of her traumatic childhood. It's simply inexcusable.

You should want better for your children, not to make them suffer vicariously through you.

True or not, her trauma should never have been yours. She needs to take herself to counselling, not to YOU.

This was your wedding. Something that you probably looked forward to for a long time. Something you'll look back on the rest of your life. An important marker in your relationship. And your DP's have managed to make it all about them, and are spoiling your memories of your wedding day.

It's utterly selfish of them, and shows you that their feelings are very much important than your own. In fact it sounds as though they don't consider your feelings at all.

Your mum's unpleasant childhood is sad but you would hope that would mean she would make every opportunity to make her own children's lives happier. Instead she and your dad are tormenting you, and making unreasonable demands of you at a time when most parents would be stepping back and leaving you to enjoy early married life with your DH.

In fact it's almost as though they've gone in to attention-seeking overdrive because you've got married.

You don't have to host them every Christmas or every birthday. You don't have to see them any more than you see your ILs. You don't have to pander to the emotional blackmail they are putting you through.

If you could make alternative arrangements for your DS school drops off I think that would help. It would stop them having that hold over you and your DS would quickly adapt. I would also be worried about what they are saying about you within your DS' earshot.

Please look after you, and your new marriage, and leave your parents to deal with their own self-made drama. Don't engage. You've done nothing wrong, and they are entirely in the wrong.

Oh gosh OP, she sounds so much like my mother. Even down to the horrible childhood. My mother took centre stage (usually by crying, but also by threatening suicide, walking out, stropping off, sulking) at every event in my life. My childhood was spent trying to keep her happy - if she wasn't, she'd go into full on martyr mode for days.

She cried at my wedding. She threatened suicide when I went my dad's funeral (they split up 45 years previously), etc. If I ever tried to talk to her I got a response like you have got.

You won't ever get through to her. She will never change or accept anything. If you want to live with her in your life, it's on her terms. And you need to protect your ds too.

I'm sorry - I have gone NC with mine and my life is infinitely better.

Counselling helped me hugely.

(Although of course I can't diagnose her, your mum does sound like a proper full on narcissist).

Your mother's past is hers to work through. Using it as an excuse to treat you like shit is not acceptable. All you need to say to her is that it's up to her to try to come to terms with her past and counselling would be a good start.

Ask her if she had diabetes would she stop taking her medication when she felt like it? I bet not, so she shouldn't be stopping her depression medication.

You ought to take a leaf out of your siblings book and take a step back from this dysfunctional relationship you have with your parents. Stop answering the phone so often. And as suggested, when your dad rings tell him straight away that you are recording the conversation (and do record it). I'll bet he soon stops calling so much. He's a right shit stirrer.

I've come back to this thread probably twice a day since I started it. Sometimes more - I've re-read it dozens of times.

I was expecting to get my arse handed to me - thought you'd all say I should give her more support.

Some of the responses make me wince - seeing them labelled etc. But I acknowledge that it's probably going to take me a while to get my head round it all.

I talked it all through with a friend on the phone earlier which has helped lots. I'm not sure what my next steps will be and I'm almost grateful that we're stuck home with covid as I've been able to hide away.

I'm 43 - i know some of you probably thought I was much younger. And it's time I started to focus on my own little family.

Thank you all - genuinely, thank you for listening x

@Workyticket I was 40 when I realised what my mum was like. It took me several years of trying to manage it until I stepped back. Good luck.

Oh fwiw, my mum had an enabling partner too. He made it worse than he needed to be - not sure because he was scared of her or just so weak that he didn't stand up to her.

[quote HelenHywater]@Workyticket I was 40 when I realised what my mum was like. It took me several years of trying to manage it until I stepped back. Good luck.

Oh fwiw, my mum had an enabling partner too. He made it worse than he needed to be - not sure because he was scared of her or just so weak that he didn't stand up to her.[/quote]
I genuinely thought my dad had had a hard 50 years with her (he probably still has, depression is hard to live with)

But I really saw a different side to him when he was standing in my living room the other week pretending not to know what I was talking about

She walked out yeara ago when I was 14. Disappeared off the face of the earth. We took shifts sitting by the phone (before mobiles) around work and school. She was gone nearly 2 weeks. To this day I'm still not 100% sure where she was. I just remember the worry.

I always thought he was desperate to keep mam happy so it didn't happen again but he doesn't go put of his way to make life nice or special for her - that's somehow my job

I witnessed and was subjected to abuse as a child. I have depression and anxiety.
I CHOOSE to take the medication and do the CBT and work at making a happy home environment for my children. They are NOT responsible for my emotional or mental well-being. If I have a wobble then I will seek appropriate support to deal with it. I won’t use it as an excuse to manipulate and control my children.
Walking on eggshells? That’s not a happy childhood. None of this is ok.
You need to set your own boundaries. Walk away or hang up on anything that steps over that. For the sake of your mental health if nothing else.

You do get one mum and dad but also unfortunately in life life throws crap at us and we sometimes have to deal with it and this can be because of or to do with them , so I hear what you’re saying

OP, you have been trained by your mother to appease her all the time to your own detriment and your father is her enabler.
It will take a long time to “undo” the training and change the attitude.

You’re in FOG- Fear,Obligation and Guilt.

Fear- you fear your mother’s moods,reactions and rejection.
Obligation- she’s your mother so how can you feel obliged to do as she/your father says
Guilt- you feel guilty if she gets in the mood because you must think you must have done something to upset her (which you didn’t)

Emotional blackmail and manipulation,that’s what it is.
Leave her to it and your father as well.Enjoy the peace when it happens.

It is difficult.

I came to a point that I couldn’t jump any higher than I was demanded to so I just stopped. The world kept going and it taught me that standing up for yourself is good. So what if somebody is apparently upset. Nobody cared if I was upset.
I walk away from my family of origin. We manage some LC but I’m no longer at their beck and call.

You don’t owe them anything.

I don't understand why you're supposed to corroborate her story with your uncle. You've never disputed it (other than privately). This just seems like a massive deflection and to recast her as the victim and protagonist in the drama - just like crying every time she doesn't get her way.

You need to be focusing on yourself and learning to manage this toxic relationship to protect yourself from hurt. I wouldn't read her letter again; she knows exactly how to manipulate you. Put it in a box until you are in a better frame of mind to deal with it, and it has no power over you any more.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

She's supposed to corroborate it so that she can have it proved to her how awful her mum had it and therefore forgive everything, and be everything to her mum, do everything for her.

At some point one has to break an overinvested bond like this one, or never become a fully free adult.

Some people say go NC but a wise old friend of mine who had a once-loving but also enmeshing mother handled it another way. To quote "she's an old woman I choose to care for". He'd broken the emotional dependence on her and her approval. He owed her for his upbringing though and so, emotionally detached, he cared for her as far as he was able with his wife's support, with strong boundaries in place. It's not a bad way of doing things at all.

Actually I think your Dad's behaviour is somewhat sinister in all this. It seems to me that there's more going on there than it looks like on the surface and it's not necessarily good.

My Mam just rang. We'd normally speak most days - there's been no contact since she cried in my living room except the letters.

She knows we all have covid as we passed dad on the way back from the test centre and he's messaged twice asking how we are

She literally just asked how ds is. Said she was so worried. I said he was fine then stayed silent. I could hear her start to cry and said I had to go.

I feel guilty as shit but I can't just let things go back to normal. I just can't

You look after yourself, worky. If this is a way to handle it that keeps your sanity, then good.

If you do manage to ignore the dramatics, she may learn in time to drop them. No guarentees, but there is a chance. Keep strong!

Well done OP that sounds like the first of many conversations where you are in control. Can't have been easy.

I have just read the full thread. I have had a difficult relationship with my dad and have gained much by understanding FOG, employing grey rock etc. One other technique I use is to try to spot themes and predict how a conversation will go and I analyse where my dad is trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty. Like when I ring my dad he nearly always tries to guilt trip me for not ringing him enough - although he almost never calls me. And then I laugh inside because it's all contrived to make me feel bad but now I just don't take it to heart. I see it as pure manipulation because that's what it is although I suspect my dad is doing it subconsciously rather that coldly setting out to do it.

There are likely repeat themes that you recognise from your conversations with your mum and dad and the trick now is to strategise on how you will handle them.

I don't feed drama at all these days and the dynamic with my dad has changed.

I really am shocked at how many of you have had similar experiences.

I'm reading about the FOG and grey rock now.

I've had a little cry and I do still feel guilty but I know that she'll be crying too and that it's not my fault.

My parents will have to learn to deal with things differently.

I work full time, have my own life to lead and have already given so much over the years to keep them happy.

Lots of people find my MIL a difficult character as she speaks her mind and is quite masculine in her emotions. I bloody love her - i always know where I stand with her!

It's the start of the rest of your life OP.

I wasn't surprised at all when your mum responded to your letter with 'me me me I'm the victim'. You can't win here. She will never accept your feelings as relevant and will always need to be the victim and you have to be cast in the role of rescuer. Sod that! It's good that you are learning how to manage this. Time will help it hurt less.

@rejectedcarrit

It's the start of the rest of your life OP.

I wasn't surprised at all when your mum responded to your letter with 'me me me I'm the victim'. You can't win here. She will never accept your feelings as relevant and will always need to be the victim and you have to be cast in the role of rescuer. Sod that! It's good that you are learning how to manage this. Time will help it hurt less.

I wrote in my letter that I would no longer engage with guilt trips so I've no choice.

It is what it is - my heart hurts though and I do hope that we can sort a middle ground with me being guarded at some point.