Dragged into parent's row again

[Workyticket]

My mam and dad have been together 50 years. It feels like every time they row I get dragged into it and I'm absolutely sick of it.

We got married 4 weeks ago. Postponed twice due to covid. Planning was shite and 99% of it was done via messenger or email. No hen or stag do, no visiting flower shops. Nothing really.

Wedding was 1 day before restrictions lifted. Venue were great but it was stressful right up to the day with ds in isolation, relatives not able to make it etc. Wedding was great and a huge relief to get it done quite frankly.

My dad rang a couple of days ago to say my mam had cried every day since the wedding and that they were fighting about it. She wasn't involved enough in the planning, my MIL didn't talk to her enough etc...

They both had covid the week before last Mam was poorly, dad was fine. I rang dad every day, dropped shopping etc at the door. Mam was asleep every time I rang. Dad says she's cried about that. Nobody cares enough to ring her phone etc.

I have 2 siblings. Neither phoned them. One sent 2 texts the entire time. I'm the one who fusses for birthdays, has them for Xmas, checks in on them etc. Siblings do shit all.

I've kept my distance. No honeymoon but we're trying to enjoy some time together etc and I couldn't be arsed with the drama.

I've had texts from dad yesterday and today with "why have you fallen out with mam" "you'll miss her when she's gone" blah blah.

They've turned up today as we were getting ready to go for a meal demanding to clear the air. Mam crying saying she hadn't said any of the things dad had told me. Him semi denying it, just repeating "life is too short, you only get 1 mam"

I've literally done nothing bar listen to him on the phone and keep my distance for a week yet I'm caught again in their he said / she said drama. I explained about planning being shit, there was nothing be involved in really as she doesn't use the Internet.

She cried saying she expected to clear the air, not argue (I was asking them to clarify the he said / she said shite rather than just letting it go)

I've no clue why I'm posting. I've read other family drama on here and this obviously isn't in that league but om bone tired of being dragged into their rows and the emotional "you only get one mam and dad" shit.

Sorry - so long. Even if nobody responds I've got it off my chest.

I'm so sorry OP. It is so tough. I've been on this road with my mother for a long time. She has Borderline Personality Disorder. She's broken my heart more than a few times with her selfish ways (the deal-breaker was her calling to scream at me about how horrible I was while I was just home with my first newborn and trying to cope, and I didn't give her the attention she felt she deserved). I still have a relationship with her because she's still married to my dad who I love. We have a very shallow relationship, I can't really say anything honest to her without fear of her getting upset (at best) or getting drunk and threatening suicide (at worst). She also had a tough childhood that I had to hear about my whole life. She's still like a child in many ways.

What I wanted to say is that this is a grieving process. You could try and create this type of grey rock relationship (like I have with my mum), but it still entails a lot of grief because you basically are constantly only being a fake version of yourself - no real relationship with your mum. My mum seems to be ok if I do this, and doesn't do the emotional blackmail thing that your mum (and dad) do, so that makes it easier.

Whatever ends up happening, recognise that you will experience a lot of grief, often for a long time, because you're grieving the mother-daughter relationship you never had (and can never have, sadly).

I read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and I felt so seen. It might really help. I would also recommend reading about BPD as your mum sounds like she has some of those traits.

Sorry again, it's hard.

Thank you to everyone who's offered support and told their stories too.

I'm.ao sorry that others have the same relationships. It's shit.

I've cried today - it's my day off so too much thinking time. I've also angry cleaned the bathroom and kitchen though so it's not all bad!

You're so brave..

You've come this far so please don't back down and go back to how things were.

Your brother can say what he wants, life will be easier for him if you're minding your parents.

I cut contact with my father four years ago and there's not a day that I regret it.

You only get one life, you shouldn't live it being obligated to anyone.

It's time your brothers stepped up and did their bit

Reply from brother number 2 saying it's time I sorted it out and that it's making Dad ill. More guilt.

"Nice attempt to guilt me back into my box there, bro. You make a fabulous flying monkey. I'll be declining to lay down and let the rest of you wipe your feet on me this time though. I do hope you all have a lovely Christmas."

I mean, I wouldn't really send that. Probably It's best just to completely ignore them though. You've said your piece (brilliantly, I might add) and, as you've just seen, any further communication on your part will simply be used as an opportunity to try to lever you back into position. So just don't reply. You don't have to.

Enjoy your stress free Christmas!

Massive hugs to you OP, this is so tough. I would recommend if you have Instagram looking at Kimberly Wilson (@food&psych), she has several videos on Mothers and difficult family systems. What you've done is brave and important, it would be so easy to perpetuate this dysfunctional family system, you're doing the right thing by your own family.
Very best to you.

I have only just come to this thread, what a difficult situation to navigate! Have you thought about some counselling for you, to complement support you are having and give you dedicated time and space to work through how you take it forward?

I haven't got any experience to share but there has been some great advice on here. You have come such a long way in recognising the impact of your parents behaviour on you and that's such a huge step in making your own life so much better. Be proud of yourself for that, you are doing so well!

Hi @Workyticket, I could have written most of your posts verbatim. I am the middle child of an emotionally unstable and abusive mother who used all the tricks you described to control and manipulate me into being her carer, therapist and scapegoat most of my life. She had an awful childhood which gave her permanent victim status to wipe her feet all over me because it was compulsory to feel sorry for her.

Same as you, final straw that broke the camel's back and I had that light bulb moment about how selfish and unreasonable she is. Flying monkeys and enablers followed. Same script. I did the letter thing which was used against me.

Now to the good bit, LC, then NC over ten years ago. Lots of therapy and grieving process and I can honestly say my life is pretty wonderful. I have no family other than my DD and that's just fine because this stuff is a whole family system that gets passed down through the generations. The stories are different but the script is exactly the same.

Narcissistic mentally unstable parent/parents control and use their children as emotional punchbags. Scapegoats bear the brunt of it, golden children often over idolised get to leave it to one sibling and gang up on them when necessary. Family roles are set at birth and impossible to change. I tried the boundary thing, didn't work.

The happy ending is that scapegoats can walk away. They can heal from the abuse and lead calm contented lives. You have started that journey. I had all the emotions of grief, abandonment, rejection, sadness plus loads of anger that you are going through. Now I view my family of origin members with a feeling of 'meh'. Sometimes I feel sorry for them but I have realised there was no love in the family, just a recycling of generations of trauma. I really hope you find peace and invest in yourself with some counselling.

And as others have said it is not healthy for your DS to be around your parents. My DM dropped my daughter like a hotcake once she matured and could see through her. Children are a source of Narcissistic supply.

Reply from brother number 2 saying it's time I sorted it out and that it's making Dad ill. More guilt. sounds like you’re the scapegoat who is responsible for everyone’s welfare in the family. Which you’re not.

Your mum sounds like a seething ball of rage. Tears of quiet red hot anger hidden under a pitiful exterior.

When she left for two weeks and came back, she won the battle for control over the whole family didn't she? Especially over your dad.

About your son, would something like this help? "I am very sad about the situation but sometimes when there is conflict, both people need to resolve it. We have to hope that that will happen some day.

I'd be very careful though. With tears as weopons the way your mum uses them, it's easy to imagine her crying about the rift while your son is there. I'd 95% reckon it. You've been trained from very young to fall into line. Are you quite sure she's not training your son too? As I say, your mum seems to be a very angry person who really won't take the slightest No for an answer.

Hi. I think you said your son was 8 years old, I would be very concerned that your mother will try to involve him in this " I'm so said that mum won't talk to Grandma".
How many times a week do they see him now? Is it 2 morning s and 2 afterschool s?.Can one of you change your work hours to make this no longer needed.
I know you say he loves going there, but that would worry me as it puts them in a better position to place a wedge between you and your son.

(sorry for typos, was struggling with non-sleeping child)

No chance of changing our hours - both teachers working in the next city over.

We can use breakfast club and I am constantly watching for any sign that ds is being guilt tripped. He loves going there but I genuinely am watching x

Would you consider moving closer to work, as it sounds like some distance with your parents would not be a bad thing.

Your brothers reply has seriously given me the rage. So many responses I would want to send, but the best one is to ignore.

Remember- you can't change their actions, only how you respond to them.

The stunt that your mother pulled as a child is one of the worst I have read on here over the decades. It inflicted so many horrifically deep and painful wounds - I suspect you all thought she was dead ? Suicide or murder at worst or that she had rejected and abandoned you at best?

This is the deep deep wound she set up to hold you all hostage to for decades to come - all she has to do it turn on the water works, bleat and whinge and weep and you are all unconditionally thrown into the pit that she will die or disappear.

This is grossly manipulative and exploitative.

Your Dad facilitates this and passes the buck to you. You are the family member responsible for keeping your mum “alive” and happy. What a crock of shit they have all dumped on you.

I am concerned about your own emotional well-being and the risk to your MH holding this burden for so long.

I am not surprised you are distraught and traumatised about what you experience as a child (arguably worse or equivalent than what she saw once - even though it’s not trauma top-trumps) - and I suspect that this incident didn’t come out of the blue - your whole childhood before that would have been peppered and destabilised by other repeated incidents (that you didn’t consciously note at the time but internally would have made any child feel unsafe, insecure, confused, sad, rejected, responsible, rejected, inadequate etc)

And then decades of shit since then what has been inflicted since.

So I would suggest YOU had a traumatic childhood and YOU should appreciate how it is impacting you now BUT also your DCs - they do not need a sad, preoccupied mother which is what happens when there is unresolved trauma - it leaks out in our mood, in our distracted presence and is absorbed and internalised by our own DCs who are left confused and emotionally neglected and who might then develop their own anxieties.

Don’t underestimate what you have endured. Do loads of reading and seek some therapy.

Put in huge emotional distance with your DM because she will continue to dominate, drain and negatively impact your previous and finite emotional energy, time and headspace.

Actively choose who, when and where gets the best of you - it’s your DH and DCs first and foremost each and every time and if your parents compromise you even a little bit of being the best mother / wife to your family then they don’t get a part in it.

@Workyticket, i also live under the tyranny of a seemingly weak, tearful and victmised mum, who is actually horribly manipulative and selfish behind that pathetic front. its taken me a very very very long time to see it and its a very painful process in which you second guess and punish yourself constantly for setting boundaries. I just want to say, you are amazing. you sound lovely - thoughtful, loving and compassionate but also really smart and increasingly self aware. Youre doing great. Sending lots of virtual hugs from across the internet.

I forgot to mention in my post that my mother did the disappearing act when she left my dad. Went to work as usual and then disappeared abroad on holiday with husband to be number two. No note or anything. My 14 year old sister was traumatised by it, waiting for the police to find out what happened to her.

There is definitely a script these pitiful victims follow. They wallow in their own 'pain' whilst simultaneously ripping apart every one round them. Weird, just plain weird.

Unfortunately l am too well versed in what you’re saying as my mum is rather similar. I’m increasingly tired of being held to ransom by her moods and mental state. It’s very draining and selfish. She and my mother need to take responsibility for themselves e.g. taking medication, going to counselling, better self care etc.
The other week my mother rang me for a ranting about how stressful my auntie is about her moving house in a few months. She was confused about why l was busy -we were at the tip and then doing other jobs. Well, that’s because l was less than 24 hours from moving house and was busy. She knew that but didn’t seem to want to acknowledge it or think about my stressors

I know it’s really easy to say but try to enjoy Christmas and don’t let her spoil it

Ive only read your messages op but might à présent of internet/computer lessons be an idea for making them less insular and isolated.

As for the rest. Good luck with your new life. Personally I moved countries.....

Op just a thought - do your parents know they're not coming for Xmas? I'm wondering if they assume it'll be as normal and it might be a bit of a shock to realise?

I cannot believe that on the ONE Christmas day you spent a tiny amount of time with your ILs you saw your parents for breakfast, were seeing them again for tea AND your GROWN WOMAN of a Mother cried and your Dad rang and asked you to hurry up.

Of all the things you've said, and all the greta advice on this thread I think that is what has stuck out for me. It's so, so, so wrong. Of your mum to act like that, of your Dad to enable it. It's so fucked up.

I am sorry for your mum's trauma but for her to put that on you, like it's your responsibility to make it better is awful. Especially as it's just you, your brothers get away scot-free and have lovely lives?

Lots of people on here have used eir trauma to improve their parenting, my own mum swore she would never treat us the way she was treated and never has.

The bit where they also think she gets to see your Son on Christmas Day, without even being able to be civil to you also gave me the rage on your behalf.
She wouldn't be seeing my son - she is essentially getting away with her awful behaviour without consequences.

I am sorry it's awful Op But I am so glad they are no longer gaslighting you and riding roughshod across your life - stay strong.

Get yourself all booked up with the ILs, friends etc over the Xmas period.

Be busy, busy, busy and booked solid.

This will allow you to be distracted from her nonsense and help you resist being drawn back in through FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) manipulative tactics that they will evoke in you - always the WRONG feelings to do anything.

Christmas is a potent and emotive time. Don’t give her the time or space or platform to enact any of her controlling histrionic theatrics. Look at her and your DF as a sad pantomime of gross over acting. Cast them as ridiculous characters that you can’t take seriously.

You set the boundaries with your DC. Decide what works for you - listen to your DH and align yourself with stable calm straight talking people who don’t bring their dysfunction and drama to cloud and create an atmosphere. No one allows this. But acknowledge how painful it will be for you to have insight and put in boundaries because your inner child will always be yearning, pining and hoping for your “mother” to be someone she can’t be. Is suspect she doesn’t have many close family and friends (or any that really respect her) - there is a reason for that. Don’t let her drain you.

It’s actually shocking that these two have totally sabotaged and wrecked your wedding day …. that’s totally unforgivable.

I sympathise. It’s so hard when you love them but realise you’re being held hostage. And that means they don’t love you like you love them. And that’s so hard to come to terms with.

I do sympathise it was like that for me growing up of sorts, however I was in your sons position. It was constant constant drama between my mother and her mother. As we got older we called it ‘the Mary and Dot show’ (not real names) just because everyone’s lives revolved around their enmeshed messed up relationship. This stuck out for me:-

I'm struggling and it's kept me awake for more nights than I care to admit. DS is asking what's happening and asking why we can't just make up. I'm absolutely heartbroken over it all.

Why are you struggling? Honestly? You have a job, a home, a child, a marriage. Your mother is behaving atrociously. You could have said to your son grandmas being a bit silly but let’s ignore it until she gets over it and carried on as normal. Instead you’ve prepped him to be ‘part of the show’ haven’t you.

To be truly honest no one cares about this apart from the pair of you. Don't spend the time struggling spend it with your child and enjoy your life. Your brothers response is because you sent an emotionally packed message and no one wants to get involved. You could have just said ‘can’t have mum and dad for Xmas if you guys are thinking of offering?’ And you might have got a sensible reply.

Ultimately if you don’t sort this out everyone will back off. I know this sounds mean but literally everyone will only put up for it for so long. Including your son. It will be you and your mother left dramatising to yourselves alone. You have choices here, she can’t play this role on her own. Make better choices.