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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dragged into parent's row again

186 replies

Workyticket · 07/08/2021 21:45

My mam and dad have been together 50 years. It feels like every time they row I get dragged into it and I'm absolutely sick of it.

We got married 4 weeks ago. Postponed twice due to covid. Planning was shite and 99% of it was done via messenger or email. No hen or stag do, no visiting flower shops. Nothing really.

Wedding was 1 day before restrictions lifted. Venue were great but it was stressful right up to the day with ds in isolation, relatives not able to make it etc. Wedding was great and a huge relief to get it done quite frankly.

My dad rang a couple of days ago to say my mam had cried every day since the wedding and that they were fighting about it. She wasn't involved enough in the planning, my MIL didn't talk to her enough etc...

They both had covid the week before last Mam was poorly, dad was fine. I rang dad every day, dropped shopping etc at the door. Mam was asleep every time I rang. Dad says she's cried about that. Nobody cares enough to ring her phone etc.

I have 2 siblings. Neither phoned them. One sent 2 texts the entire time. I'm the one who fusses for birthdays, has them for Xmas, checks in on them etc. Siblings do shit all.

I've kept my distance. No honeymoon but we're trying to enjoy some time together etc and I couldn't be arsed with the drama.

I've had texts from dad yesterday and today with "why have you fallen out with mam" "you'll miss her when she's gone" blah blah.

They've turned up today as we were getting ready to go for a meal demanding to clear the air. Mam crying saying she hadn't said any of the things dad had told me. Him semi denying it, just repeating "life is too short, you only get 1 mam"

I've literally done nothing bar listen to him on the phone and keep my distance for a week yet I'm caught again in their he said / she said drama. I explained about planning being shit, there was nothing be involved in really as she doesn't use the Internet.

She cried saying she expected to clear the air, not argue (I was asking them to clarify the he said / she said shite rather than just letting it go)

I've no clue why I'm posting. I've read other family drama on here and this obviously isn't in that league but om bone tired of being dragged into their rows and the emotional "you only get one mam and dad" shit.

Sorry - so long. Even if nobody responds I've got it off my chest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Workyticket · 07/08/2021 23:00

We already have a son, he's 9. They score him and him them.

On the phone call dad said mam had said she was only good enough for baby sitting but not good enough to help with wedding planning

She denied it today, dad tried to say I'd got the wrong end of the stick.

They do school drops and pick ups a couple of days at their request. They've babysat twice this year. Used to be more pre-covid up I’ve stepped that back as theyre not careful at all.

OP posts:
AmberIsACertainty · 08/08/2021 01:29

They do school drops and pick ups a couple of days at their request

So they have a hold over you, making you dependent on them, leverage to manipulate you with. So you have to live near them. So you can't go no contact. So you're scared to upset them in case they drop you in the shit suddenly. Or to word it another way, so they've got you by the balls and you can't have any boundaries with them.

Original poster
Workyticket · 08/08/2021 10:10

@AmberIsACertainty

They do school drops and pick ups a couple of days at their request

So they have a hold over you, making you dependent on them, leverage to manipulate you with. So you have to live near them. So you can't go no contact. So you're scared to upset them in case they drop you in the shit suddenly. Or to word it another way, so they've got you by the balls and you can't have any boundaries with them.

We could use breakfast club etc but ds enjoys going to them so it's difficult
OP posts:
Original poster
Workyticket · 08/08/2021 10:14

apparently part of the upset about wedding planning was they'd wanted to ask some friends to the night do

No problem. We gave them some invitations to dish out. Told them to explain that the invitations might need to be cancelled last minute depending on restrictions

Same as all other guests. Unbeknown to me they didn't send them as they "didn't know what was happening, they weren't kept in the loop"

She's upset about this apparently. Nobody was in the fucking loop. Nobody knew what was happening with restrictions. We certainly didn't enjoy planning with the thought of cancellling yet again hanging over us!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 08/08/2021 10:18

@Workyticket I've always been closer to dad. Felt sorry for him putting up with my mam's emotional instability but I've seen a different side to him today

I always felt like this too but realised after dad died that actually, he was her enabler and caused a lot of the issues over the years. He should have stopped her nonsense years ago, but was too comfortable/worried about change to make this happen.

You need some decent boundaries, pet.

timeisnotaline · 08/08/2021 10:20

Please tell me that now you’re married you will respect the fact your husband has a family too and alternate Christmas!! ‘Mum, dad, Dan has parents too, we are going there every other year. You do remember you have other children?’ And let her cry. Healthy boundaries!

Original poster
Workyticket · 08/08/2021 10:24

@timeisnotaline

Please tell me that now you’re married you will respect the fact your husband has a family too and alternate Christmas!! ‘Mum, dad, Dan has parents too, we are going there every other year. You do remember you have other children?’ And let her cry. Healthy boundaries!
We have them all at ours now. Means dh can have a drink and there's no favouritism

Had a request 3 years ago that they were allowed to come first so ds could open their presents before PILs. Told them everyone was invited from 1pm and that I couldn't give a shit if Boris Johnson watched.

OP posts:
Original poster
Workyticket · 08/08/2021 10:27

There's loads I've had to nip in the bud over the years.

Ds was prem. In hospital for weeks. Mam came lots and I appreciated the support. Genuinely.

The day he came home we said no visitors. We'd had a rough few weeks (thought we'd lose him more than once)

Tears and phone calls started. Said they'd just pop their heads in... i locked the bloody door. That one has been thrown at me a couple of times

They brought home 3 healthy children!

OP posts:
Cloudfrost · 08/08/2021 12:47

the more u post, the worse they sounds :(

Original poster
Workyticket · 08/08/2021 16:15

@Cloudfrost

the more u post, the worse they sounds :(
I feel awful moanimg about them. They love us, I just wish they were easy like DPIL.

They've both said how much they enjoyed the wedding but then spoilt it by slagging off the fucking non existent for us too build up to it.

She just kept saying she wanted to feel.more involved in the planning and was upset not to have been. Genuinely every but the venue was booked online.

O took her to a wedding fayre when we bookes the first postponed date but obviously all got cancelled after that one.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 08/08/2021 18:28

You only get one mam - just as well really, imagine how much crap there would be to deal with if there were 2 of ‘em Shock

Think you should read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. You have been dancing attendance on both of them for years. They use tears as a way of keeping you in line.

I’d be booking the breakfast club for school as soon as possible. No need to all this boo-hoo drama. Anyone who has had a wedding during the pandemic has had a pretty crappy time of it - can’t believe their feelings about the “inadequate” run-up is supposed to be most important. How self indulgent!

mumwon · 08/08/2021 18:37

a thought - she has just had covid & is probably in the depressed convalescence stage - so this may account for some of her low mood

mbosnz · 08/08/2021 18:40

Wow, she has no qualms about using the full range of emotional weaponry, does she? Neither does your Dad for that matter.

I had a mantra for my kids. Same one I had for my mother.

I don't negotiate with terrorists. Someone trying to terrorise me into giving into them, by crying, guilt-tripping, pulling the death card - nope. I'll talk to you when you're prepared to behave like a sensible person, but not when you're pulling this rubbish.

Original poster
Workyticket · 08/08/2021 18:44

@Comtesse

You only get one mam - just as well really, imagine how much crap there would be to deal with if there were 2 of ‘em Shock

Think you should read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. You have been dancing attendance on both of them for years. They use tears as a way of keeping you in line.

I’d be booking the breakfast club for school as soon as possible. No need to all this boo-hoo drama. Anyone who has had a wedding during the pandemic has had a pretty crappy time of it - can’t believe their feelings about the “inadequate” run-up is supposed to be most important. How self indulgent!

I'll look that up thank you x
OP posts:
Original poster
Workyticket · 08/08/2021 18:45

@mumwon

a thought - she has just had covid & is probably in the depressed convalescence stage - so this may account for some of her low mood
that could account for a one off, unfortunately this has gone on for years.
OP posts:
Original poster
Workyticket · 08/08/2021 18:49

I'm thinking about writing it all down in a letter and pushing it through their door in the morning

We're off to stay with friends for 2 days so would tell them not to contact me to give us all some head space...

OP posts:
HelenHywater · 08/08/2021 18:53

Yes they sound pretty toxic if not narcisstic. Or at least exceptionally needy. It says it all that you are on eggshells. And yes your dad is just enabling your mum.

My mum (also pretty narcissistic) cried throughout my wedding day as she wasn't getting enough attention. Also obsessed with my MIL

If you can't go NC, then grey rock is the way to go.

What made me go NC was that my mum started transferring the guilt shit (and other stuff such as commenting on their weight and looks) onto my children. I couldn't tolerate that even though I put up with on my own behalf for years.

Newestname001 · 09/08/2021 04:26

@Workyticket

I'm thinking about writing it all down in a letter and pushing it through their door in the morning

We're off to stay with friends for 2 days so would tell them not to contact me to give us all some head space...

Good idea - so you can work and rework exactly what you want to say, in the way you want to say it.

Great that you're going away with friends too. Both you and your husband could blank them during that time by muting/blocking them on your mobile and house phones so you get some emotional distance until you are ready for their inevitable response and really focus on your friends and your time away. Be prepared that you may also get contacted by other people your parents may draft in to the situation and consider muting them too so you get some clear space until you are ready. 🌹

TheFrogsAreDying · 09/08/2021 04:37

Your siblings have the right idea, they’re not part of this drama. And it doesn’t look like your parents have a healthy in between.

They sound way too enmeshed in your lives, and that may put pressure on your marriage over time. I think you need to tell them that the relationship they want with you is too intense,, and you need to take a step back. Of course there will be crying and hysterics but think about telling them:

  • a phone call or get together every second week
  • If they complain about your behaviour, or getting drama lama about something you won’t be listening and the visit is over
  • no crying and no shit stirring, it’s manipulative and warped
  • they need to develop their own friendships with people their age.
Go hard then back off a bit if you actually want to. But be prepared to shut down visits or calls because they will test your boundaries like they’re toddlers.
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 09/08/2021 04:45

When your dad next phones to tell you how upset your mum is and what she's been saying - tell him "put mum on the phone now please" when he refuses, insist. Keep repeating that it's important to talk about what he's just told you she's said as he's said she's upset. Don't let him change the subject, keep solely on getting her to the phone. If he resists, then say ok, I'm going to call mums phone right now and talk about it.

I think that has a chance of stopping him. Worth a try.

Then, if it was me, I'd say "since I keep 'getting hold of the wrong end of the stick' I've recorded this conversation so when I talk to mum we can listen to it and I can be sure I've not misunderstood"

But I'm a cow so you're probably nicer than me 😁

Original poster
Workyticket · 09/08/2021 09:03

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

When your dad next phones to tell you how upset your mum is and what she's been saying - tell him "put mum on the phone now please" when he refuses, insist. Keep repeating that it's important to talk about what he's just told you she's said as he's said she's upset. Don't let him change the subject, keep solely on getting her to the phone. If he resists, then say ok, I'm going to call mums phone right now and talk about it.

I think that has a chance of stopping him. Worth a try.

Then, if it was me, I'd say "since I keep 'getting hold of the wrong end of the stick' I've recorded this conversation so when I talk to mum we can listen to it and I can be sure I've not misunderstood"

But I'm a cow so you're probably nicer than me 😁

I actually think that this would work.

I do think she has been crying when he tells me she has. She has a history of depression but often stops taking her meds. She's on a very low dose but has taken it for decades so it's noticeable when she does

However I don't think he should be ringing and telling me. I've kept my mouth shut or pacified for years to try to avoid the crying

Sometimes she's just going to have to cry. I know that sounds harsh 😪

OP posts:
Original poster
Workyticket · 09/08/2021 09:04

I've written the letter. 4 typed pages... now got to decide whether to post it through before we go!

OP posts:
Volterra · 09/08/2021 09:18

Personally I wouldn’t send the letter, things have a habit of backfiring I find. I think at this point they aren’t going to change and all you can do is deflect as much as you can.

I’d send them something along lines of it’s a shame to see they upset yesterday, everything quite difficult but at least wedding went ahead. You’re having your stay at home honeymoon now so will speak to them in a week or two.

Then when you start re engaging use breakfast club etc, so not accept any help from them, do what was suggested about insisting to speak to your Mum if your Dad starts.

Don’t get drawn in on anything , say ‘that’s a shame you feel that way’ the leave a silence for them to fill. Keep on repeating ‘as I said, it’s a shame you feel that way ‘

Think of it a bit like dog training, you reward the good behaviour and ignore the bad! They need to learn their inappropriate behaviour has consequences and they can not say what they like and guilt trip you.

Justilou1 · 09/08/2021 11:00

The letter is too long. If you need to send four pages, you might as well go into therapy together. A letter like this needs to be brutally short and to the point. In fact, point form is probably exactly what they need. No emotion from your end. It is playing into the drama.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2021 11:12

Such a letter will merely play further into their hands. Continue to write it but DO NOT SEND IT. People like your parents like a fight and or the last word and this will give them both with you giving them the bullets.

Do not ever enter into joint therapy with either parent here. They have not apologised nor have accepted any responsibility for their actions and will never do so. They really do think they have done nothing wrong with regards to you. Your siblings have backed off from them and ultimately you will need to do the same. Its hard being the last one left who bothers with them but the reason you also do that is because you've received the special training to do so. Putting them first with you dead last has and continues to cost you and your own family unit dearly.