Dragged into parent's row again

[Workyticket]

My mam and dad have been together 50 years. It feels like every time they row I get dragged into it and I'm absolutely sick of it.

We got married 4 weeks ago. Postponed twice due to covid. Planning was shite and 99% of it was done via messenger or email. No hen or stag do, no visiting flower shops. Nothing really.

Wedding was 1 day before restrictions lifted. Venue were great but it was stressful right up to the day with ds in isolation, relatives not able to make it etc. Wedding was great and a huge relief to get it done quite frankly.

My dad rang a couple of days ago to say my mam had cried every day since the wedding and that they were fighting about it. She wasn't involved enough in the planning, my MIL didn't talk to her enough etc...

They both had covid the week before last Mam was poorly, dad was fine. I rang dad every day, dropped shopping etc at the door. Mam was asleep every time I rang. Dad says she's cried about that. Nobody cares enough to ring her phone etc.

I have 2 siblings. Neither phoned them. One sent 2 texts the entire time. I'm the one who fusses for birthdays, has them for Xmas, checks in on them etc. Siblings do shit all.

I've kept my distance. No honeymoon but we're trying to enjoy some time together etc and I couldn't be arsed with the drama.

I've had texts from dad yesterday and today with "why have you fallen out with mam" "you'll miss her when she's gone" blah blah.

They've turned up today as we were getting ready to go for a meal demanding to clear the air. Mam crying saying she hadn't said any of the things dad had told me. Him semi denying it, just repeating "life is too short, you only get 1 mam"

I've literally done nothing bar listen to him on the phone and keep my distance for a week yet I'm caught again in their he said / she said drama. I explained about planning being shit, there was nothing be involved in really as she doesn't use the Internet.

She cried saying she expected to clear the air, not argue (I was asking them to clarify the he said / she said shite rather than just letting it go)

I've no clue why I'm posting. I've read other family drama on here and this obviously isn't in that league but om bone tired of being dragged into their rows and the emotional "you only get one mam and dad" shit.

Sorry - so long. Even if nobody responds I've got it off my chest.

@Tropicaltutu

I do sympathise it was like that for me growing up of sorts, however I was in your sons position. It was constant constant drama between my mother and her mother. As we got older we called it ‘the Mary and Dot show’ (not real names) just because everyone’s lives revolved around their enmeshed messed up relationship. This stuck out for me:-

I'm struggling and it's kept me awake for more nights than I care to admit. DS is asking what's happening and asking why we can't just make up. I'm absolutely heartbroken over it all.

Why are you struggling? Honestly? You have a job, a home, a child, a marriage. Your mother is behaving atrociously. You could have said to your son grandmas being a bit silly but let’s ignore it until she gets over it and carried on as normal. Instead you’ve prepped him to be ‘part of the show’ haven’t you.

To be truly honest no one cares about this apart from the pair of you. Don't spend the time struggling spend it with your child and enjoy your life. Your brothers response is because you sent an emotionally packed message and no one wants to get involved. You could have just said ‘can’t have mum and dad for Xmas if you guys are thinking of offering?’ And you might have got a sensible reply.

Ultimately if you don’t sort this out everyone will back off. I know this sounds mean but literally everyone will only put up for it for so long. Including your son. It will be you and your mother left dramatising to yourselves alone. You have choices here, she can’t play this role on her own. Make better choices.

Blunt but true.

You have a choice where to put your focus.

Maybe you didn’t realise that until now because your upbringing was all about being held hostage by some histrionic character who continues to behave atrociously.

She isn’t good for you - she will continue to bring her moods, sulks and weeping to your family life. Don’t teach / model to your DC to tip toe and pander to these toxic types. Teach them to know that when someone confuses or behaves badly you detach and swerve.

You want a calm and peaceful home that is not shadowed by this. Your DF agenda is to salve his own discomfort by throwing you under the bus to deal with and pander to your DM.

hope you are well OP in the run up to christmas x

@Cloudfrost

hope you are well OP in the run up to christmas x

Thank you for thinking of me.

I'm not great but I'm trying. I've had a cry in the shower every day this week - I'm heartbroken but it is what it is x

We're going to MILs for lunch which will be lovely but very, very strange.

I need to contact dad and say they can see ds on Boxing Day if they wish otherwise I will spend all morning worrying they'll show up and spoil things for ds!

Both your parents are toxic and should not be around you people.

Do not contact your dad aka your mothers enabler and secondary abuser here. He has and will continue to throw you under the bus at your overall expense out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

Do read the post that ESGdance wrote to you, that post is bang on here. Your fear, obligation and guilt needs to be addressed through therapy.

I genuinely am taking everything on board. I really do appreciate everyone commenting

I'm notvready for counselling. One day I might be.

A book keeps popping up on my audible suggestions - Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters

I think that might be a gentle starting point

Well done to you for holding on to your values and your dignity. These days are very triggering and emotionally heightened - but they will be over soon and you will have reached an important milestone.

It’s great that you have decided to go to your MILs. Although I do find it odd that you have not done this before (50/50). I hope that you can enjoy the day and focus positively for your DS and DH.

If you are concerned that your DPs will sabotage the day with emotionally manipulative and disruptive texts or turning up then take preventive action.

Turn your phone off all day.

If they turn up at the door have a plan with your DH - that he answers and turns them away whilst you distract your DS.

Putting in protective emotional distance from an abusive and enmeshed family system is exceptionally painful - but it does get better in time. Start with your reading but do look to counselling as a support rather than a threat and to also appreciate that gaining perspective on how to deal with your DPs will improve your abilities as a mother yourself and also your marriage. You cannot be held hostage by their erratic and irrational nonsense. I hope that you can embrace the peace and calm in a normal household tomorrow with your MIL.

Sounds like a good plan to go to Mils, and you are doing so much better than when you first posted here. You have created reasonable boundaries, and don't let any of the dysfunctional members of your family guilt trip you for deciding to stop enabling your parents behavior. I know you shouldn't have to, but you feeling anxious about the showing up, can you go out for a while on the day? Visit other friends and family (sane ones lol) or even go to the beach or the woods etc for a family walk? Try to create a new family tradition to celebrate your newfound freedom from obligatory time with your parents?

Wish you a lovely Christmas and hope you a have a relaxing quiet time with no bad surprises x

Thank you both. I feel like an absolute bitch and ds is upset that Nana and Grandad won't be round ours like they usually are.

Dad text earlier to say things shouldn't be like this. I just said "no, but it is. Hope you have a nice day tomorrow x" and left it at that

then cried a bit in the bathroomstraightened my face and went out for tea with dh and ds

Wishing you a very happy and peaceful day, OP x

Have a lovely day today. It's a bit sad that you've only had Christmas dinner once with your lovely in laws! That just shows how deep in the guilt tripping you have been. Why wouldn't you have alternated like most families?