Dragged into parent's row again

[Workyticket]

My mam and dad have been together 50 years. It feels like every time they row I get dragged into it and I'm absolutely sick of it.

We got married 4 weeks ago. Postponed twice due to covid. Planning was shite and 99% of it was done via messenger or email. No hen or stag do, no visiting flower shops. Nothing really.

Wedding was 1 day before restrictions lifted. Venue were great but it was stressful right up to the day with ds in isolation, relatives not able to make it etc. Wedding was great and a huge relief to get it done quite frankly.

My dad rang a couple of days ago to say my mam had cried every day since the wedding and that they were fighting about it. She wasn't involved enough in the planning, my MIL didn't talk to her enough etc...

They both had covid the week before last Mam was poorly, dad was fine. I rang dad every day, dropped shopping etc at the door. Mam was asleep every time I rang. Dad says she's cried about that. Nobody cares enough to ring her phone etc.

I have 2 siblings. Neither phoned them. One sent 2 texts the entire time. I'm the one who fusses for birthdays, has them for Xmas, checks in on them etc. Siblings do shit all.

I've kept my distance. No honeymoon but we're trying to enjoy some time together etc and I couldn't be arsed with the drama.

I've had texts from dad yesterday and today with "why have you fallen out with mam" "you'll miss her when she's gone" blah blah.

They've turned up today as we were getting ready to go for a meal demanding to clear the air. Mam crying saying she hadn't said any of the things dad had told me. Him semi denying it, just repeating "life is too short, you only get 1 mam"

I've literally done nothing bar listen to him on the phone and keep my distance for a week yet I'm caught again in their he said / she said drama. I explained about planning being shit, there was nothing be involved in really as she doesn't use the Internet.

She cried saying she expected to clear the air, not argue (I was asking them to clarify the he said / she said shite rather than just letting it go)

I've no clue why I'm posting. I've read other family drama on here and this obviously isn't in that league but om bone tired of being dragged into their rows and the emotional "you only get one mam and dad" shit.

Sorry - so long. Even if nobody responds I've got it off my chest.

Worky you are doing great setting boundaries just keep it up. It is your mother’s choice to behave however she chooses. Clearly she has been using you to meet emotional needs she didn’t have met in childhood. That is not and never was your responsibility. In fact the opposite was true it was her job to meet your emotional needs. You have said that she had a poor childhood but you didn’t, that is just denial, you had a mother who was incapable of meeting her own emotional needs so she offloaded that onto her children. Would you do that to your son? No!!!!! I didn’t think so. It is her choice to stay like a small child rather than grow up. You can enable that or do as you have been and grow yourself instead. You are really doing great here.

I can't see things ever being repaired without me bowing down and then I'd be paying for it for the rest of my life that is such an astute way of explaining that choice for you, btw I have been exactly there. You do not want to pay that price.

I’m not sure sending your child to their house twice a week is a good idea. God knows what they are saying about you to him and if your mum won’t talk to you why would she get to see grandchild?

And no WAY do they get to come for Christmas whilst behaving like this. No freaking way.

I have to agree with @Comtesse...I'd get your son booked in with the Breakfast Club as quickly as possible.

My parents fell out with my maternal grandmother/uncles (all of whom lived in the same house) when I was about 13...but still made myself and my two brother visit them a couple of times a week. As my grandmother wasn't getting any information from my parents, she used to push myself and my older brother for it...it was very awkward position to be put in, particular for my older brother who didn't pick up what was going on and used to tell my grandmother anything she asked about...and then he used to get into trouble with my parents for doing so!

It was extremely unfair on myself and my brothers, we were being used by both sides. If you don't want to have contact with your parents, don't inflict it on your children. It's not obligatory for children to have grandparents in their lives, particularly if they are abusive.

I agree to a point but ds adores them both and would be heartbroken not to see them.

It's not that I don't want a relationship with them. I do, I miss them hugely. I just don't want the same related with them.

If I ever got a sniff of them quizzing him about me I'd stop the contact. I can get him into breakfast club but ds loves going to them

I've stopped crazy tidying before they bring ds to our house on Tuesdays though. I've had sly digs all my adult life about my house not being pristine (it's clean and tidy but more lived in than their show home) as I no longer give a fuck that my Mam comments on anything out of place.

Finally growing a backbone - at bloody 43!

Back to vent because I'm feeling worn down again.

Dad is making noises about Christmas day - he's not said it outright but I think they're envisioning him picking ds up to take him round theirs for a bit on Christmas day.

Not a fucking chance am I allowing it. He can go Boxing Day but no way am.i being ignored for months then handing him over on Christmas day.

DH has already said we're not having them round on Christmas day because he doesn't want an atmosphere in the house and I agree.

It's the first time in my life I'll not have spent Christmas with them bar a few hours when we went to DHs parents for lunch once.

I'm struggling and it's kept me awake for more nights than I care to admit. DS is asking what's happening and asking why we can't just make up. I'm absolutely heartbroken over it all.

You know that stunt your Mam pulled when you were a teenager disappearing for 2 weeks then a lifetime of being responsible for her happiness? Keep that in mind, find your anger then find your determination to stop their shitty merry go round.

Tell your Dad that DS is welcome to go to theirs on Boxing Day but if they start with their histrionics over that then they can wait until the 27th.

Just think a Christmas Day without having to keep your Mam happy and her crying over some made up perceived slight anyway.

Thank you Random. You're right, of course

We like to stay in on Christmas day but I'm actually tempted to take up my lovely MILs offer of going to them so as to be out of the way

I'm awake again thinking about it all. I've drafted a text to my brothers
‐----

Hello. As you both probably know Mam hasn't spoken to me since the summer.

I've hosted them every Christmas of my adult life (except one when I had them for breakfast and was going to theirs for tea but went to Paul's mam for dinner)

Dad spent that day ringing and texting telling me Mam was crying and could I come back sooner than planned.

I'm not hosting them this year and I'm not having a guilt trip thrown at me about it. I feel like I've more than done my bit.

I'm not saying either of you should invite them, I'm just letting you know that I'm not able to this year.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas
x

Send it. Then they can decide what they want to do. Be aware though that you probably will still get the calls and the guilt trips from all even though you are doing the right thing. Give your husband your phone on Xmas day and let him answer them. I bet they won't say it all to him

Stay strong.
I am also the only girl with multiple brothers and DM is always with me for Christmas. To the point where this year, if covid shut the borders again, DM was looking around church to see who she could invite for Christmas! The boys all live within an hour of her and I live 9 hours away.
Stay strong, let your siblings know that you are not having your parents as they may assume you will.
Take your MIL up on her offer and enjoy yourself

The text sounds fine, just be aware that if they start getting dragged into your parents drama, they may try and take you down with them. So have a few choice sentences that say 'no' in one way or at her

Thank you. I've sent it - the guilt of them probably being on their own is killing me but what else can I do?

Text message may well invite unwanted responses; I hope you are prepared for those. Sadly you cannot reason with unreasonable people and I include your brothers in that category as well.

My guess is that the flying monkeys will soon descend upon you as an attempt to get you to comply.

Do you think either of your parents feel at all guilty about the ways in which they have and continue to treat you; no not a bit of it. Do consider dealing with any fear, obligation and guilt you have re them through therapy. Find a BACP registered therapist and one importantly that you feel comfortable with, to work with.

Your parents won't be on their own; they have each other in any case. These two feed off the other's codependent and otherwise dysfunctional behaviours. They both get what they want out of their relationship and you are far better off keeping your distance.

DO also consider giving your DS the age appropriate truth re your parents. I would also not use them to drop their grandson off at school going forward. If they are too toxic/difficult or otherwise too batshit for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your child too.

They've both read it but not replied. I'm not expecting any acknowledgement of it really.

I know that I'll be discussed as being awkward or selfish and that's just is what it is. I see dad regularly when handing over ds but there's no closeness anymore for us.

I feel like I have no family other than ds and dh now.

Your DS is far too young to realise that he is being manipulated and otherwise used by your parents. Your parents will use him to get back at you; yet another compelling reason for him not to be at all around them.

If you have not done so already I would read a copy of "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

I think the simple reply to your brother's attempting to guilt you into having a DPs for Christmas is " your turn"

" but you always have them for Christmas" "That's why it's your turn"

"I feel like I have no family other than ds and dh now".

And that is fine. Better to be an emotionally healthy and fully united unit as above than to be so badly accompanied by your histrionic sounding mother and her willing enabler aka secondary abuser in the shape of your dad. Not all parents are nice and kind to their adult children and some of them are actively abusive.

God your mum sounds hard work. You’re doing the right thing. Just remember, that whenever you shift a dynamic in a family, it can feel like the sky is falling in. Because it’s so new. Just go to your MIL’s if you want. Sounds like a nice day.

I think it’s important to reassure your son that it’s not his fault and that he can love your mum even tho you’re not speaking to her. You probably have already.

You cannot spend your life stuck in the quicksand of someone else’s trauma.

Your mother unfortunately knows how to play you. She knows exactly what emotional strings to pull to inspire your guilt and sympathy. Your father is her enabler, and he’s playing the middle with you (‘you’re as bad as each other’) because he is 1, to cowardly to actually hold her accountable for her behaviour, and 2, wants a quiet life for himself. He’s willing to throw you under the bus to get it.

Sadly, I think your mother is unlikely to change. Whatever you say or do, it won’t matter. It will be made about her. You’re upset? She’s devastated. You’re crying? She’s inconsolable. You have a headache? She’s been decapitated. She has weaponized victimhood and as such will always one up you in the misery stakes, and your legitimate feelings will never be heard.

You have you emotionally protect yourself and your own family unit here. Allow yourself to grieve for the mother you wish you had, and the relationship that you should have had, but you need to armour your heart and detach.

I've absolutely explained to ds that sometimes adults don't see eye to eye but that it doesn't affect how much they love rhe children in their shared lives.

Reply from brother number 2 saying it's time I sorted it out and that it's making Dad ill. More guilt.

I've muted the conversation

Easy for your brother to say. You’ve changed the dynamic he found most convenient, and now he’s panicking that he may actually be expected to pick up the slack.

Ignore them; ignore them; ignore them. Get on with your life.

If dad rings tell him you have a cake in the oven or something. If he persists, then just say you do not want to get involved with all this stuff and to please ring back when he has something pleasant to say.

Oh, and congratulations on your wedding!

I remember being the go-between when I was young - it is a grim position to be in. Let them go. Agree to engage with them, bu only when they are being reasonable.

I cut contact with my parents after an incident when they were using one of my children as a go-between - no way was I going to sit back and watch that happening. I knew only too well how uncomfortable that is. Eventually my Dad rang after a few weeks to say he wondered why I had not been in contact as I usually did - I said that I did not want them arguing in front of my children nor using them to score points off each other. He nearly had apoplexy; but they never did it again.

Ignore them.

Read up on FOG, get counselling. Stop falling back into your childhood patterns.

You have been whipping boy your entire life you don't have to do it anymore.