DH and women’s underwear

[Needanothername1234]

Feeling a bit sick and need someone to tell me if I’m being horrible.
My DH wears women’s knickers. I first found out when I discovered some close up photos of him wearing my underwear on his computer (which I occasionally used with his permission) This happened after we’d been together for about 2 years and had moved in together. He said that it was a little kink when he masturbated sometimes, no big deal, so I asked him not to because he’d ruin my underwear.

Subsequently I found some knickers in the house after I’d been away. I immediately assumed he was having an affair, so was relieved to discover that he’d bought himself more underwear so that he wouldn’t fuck mine up. We talked about it, and I told him I felt upset by his furtive behaviour, and did he want to wear them during sex? I thought that by incorporating them into our sex life it would make him feel less ashamed. So we did that occasionally, and he openly had a few pairs he would wear with me, and I thought that would be enough.

We are now married and have been together for 10 years. During that time we’ve been through some really hard experiences including infertility, and our sex life has dwindled to almost non-existence. This is partly due to my libido disappearing (perimenopause) but also because DH makes no attempt to have sex. I’ve told him many times that I want to have sex with him and be intimate, even if my lack of libido means that I rarely make the first move. He swears that he still fancies me, and when we do have sex he still seems to be keen.

Over the last week we’ve been sleeping separately (insomnia/snoring) and I noticed that he’d shaved all his pubic hair off. I jokingly said that he was using the spare room as an opportunity to live out his sexual fantasies without my oppressive presence, and he just laughed and said it was more comfortable in the hot weather. Anyway, I lost something a couple of days ago and asked if I could look through his drawers to see if it was mixed up with his stuff. I then found two drawers full of knickers, stockings, etc. When I asked him about it it became apparent that he has now replaced me with masturbation, and he wears this stuff all the time and regularly buys it. I feel sick. It feels like he’s cheating on me, but not even with another woman. I’ve been cast aside in favour of a load of nasty polyester. The secrecy makes me feel so sick.

We’ve talked about it a lot, and it seems as though he wants to wear it all the time. I have no problem with him wearing it in bed sometimes as a dirty sex thing, but am really repulsed by the idea of him shaving and wearing it day to day. I feel like a horrible intolerant person, but I don’t know if I can fancy him if he goes down this feminine route. It really turns me off.

I am getting hrt to try and deal with my libido, but it feels as though he’s already written off our sex life. He’s a wonderful kind man and we’ve been through so much and I love him dearly, but I’m really struggling with the way he’s just written me out of his sex life. It’s crazy that I feel jealous. How do I deal with this?

First of all, you are not wrong in feeling the way you do. It's not intolerance, it's hurtful that the person you love us a secret life that you don't know about and I think you've been more than tolerant so far. Way more than I would've been because I'd find the whole thing a massive turn off.

I don't want to be alarmist, but it sounds like his fetish has been increasing over the years and is accelerating. I think you need to start mentally preparing yourself that your husband will take it even further and want to live as a woman.

Only you can decide what you personal boundaries are and whether you can stay married to him, whether you can cope in a sexless marriage with a man who has fetishes you don't understand or even like.

Best of luck

@TinselAngel will be able to offer you a wealth of advice and support. So sorry for what you're going through OP 💐

He sounds like an autogynepheliac. Sorry OP. Don't ever make anyone feel like you're unreasonable for having your own boundaries. You don't have to be ok with that.

You don't have to be ok with but he doesn't have to stop or be ashamed (I'm not saying you're making him feel that way btw).
I think the issue here is that you want intimacy and he doesn't. If your sex drives aren't matched, maybe you'd be better apart.
In all honestly though, it sounds like you e got the ick and the majority of the time, there's no coming back from that.

I would deal with this by immediately filing for divorce. This kink of his wouldn't work for me, and I would not make room for it in my marriage. That is not being intolerant, it's having boundaries. Men who dress as women are a total turn off for me, and this kind of paraphilia is something I could never be comfortable with.

You don't "owe" him being accepting of this, op.

@Aquamarine1029. I agree, as the person above said, you don’t have to shame— no you don’t have to shame OP— you just leave him to it and move on, unless you are totally ok with it and don’t find it a turn off— (I would massively) you didn’t sign up for this , so don’t feel bad if it’s not remotely ok for you.

He’s saying very firmly that, even if there was no social stigma involved, that he wouldn’t want to wear entirely women’s clothes. Just underwear. It does give me the ick thinking of him wearing it day to day, but weirdly I’m ok with it in the bedroom. It doesn’t turn me on, but nor does it repulse me. When we still had a good sex life we were both fairly open minded and tried different stuff out, so it fell within those boundaries.
I think that it’s mainly the secrecy and the fact that he prefers it to me that I’m so upset about.

How was he sexually when you were first together? How was your sex life and did he seem interested in you and your body? How frequently did you have sex in the first 5 years? Just curious because if it's a fetish, then his main sexual relationship will be between him and his fetish, not you, and that's unlikely to change.

Also, is he into humiliation? The reason why some men find this behaviour thrilling is because they think of women, or society has told them to think of women as being lower status individuals. Therefore, the ultimate humiliation for them is to dress up in women's underwear and so because of that it's a big turn on. I'm sure there are other things that contribute to it as well.

Eugh, please don’t berate yourself for not being “tolerant”. He has a fetish that does nothing for you and he’s using that as a wanking tool rather than having an intimate relationship with you. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to feel pissed off and cheated about that.

Having been married to a man with a fetish, I would leave. In my experience, their fetish becomes their whole sexual focus, they become selfish and boring, and will try to have you play a part in it, even though it gives you no pleasure. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, please be kind to yourself and remember your wants and needs are just as important as his are.

It sounds like you really do love him and want to find a workable solution.
The problem with a fetish is that the fetish will take over and sex without the item of desire can become bland and boring.
This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or no longer desires you, but he has over the years developed a situation where he needs the underwear.

This will never ever go away so it's pointless trying to stop him, if you really want to remain a couple then you are going to have to make allowances.

You said you are ok with this in the bedroom but don't like him wearing them at other times, do you know why you feel like that?

I would suggest that you try and take back some control, try and get him to include you in all this.
Suggest a shopping trip, tell him you would like to treat him to some new underwear, suggest you get matching items for the bedroom maybe.
Find things that you like, not the tacky nylon stuff and work on replacing his collection with items you are more comfortable with.
Maybe encourage him to try some plainer cotton knickers for day to day wear if that helps you.
He may well want to try more and more things but once you have some control you can set limits.
None of this means that he wants to be a woman.

Never forget yourself in all this, you don't owe him acceptance and if you really can't put up with this then you should perhaps think about moving on.
Good luck though I really hope you can find a workable compromise,not easy I know and as I said your feelings and desires are just as important.

Would you be willing to accept it all the time if it meant it was less of a kink and more of a lifestyle choice, and it meant that your sex life improved?

Is it the fact that he feels he should hide it that makes him use it instead of sex?

I don't know how these things work to be honest but if he's wearing them regularly it can't always be a kink, can it?

This behaviour would have been a big turn off for me and I certainly wouldn't have been around 10 years later.

Sounds a lot like some of the stories on here on the Trans Widow threads, their Ex's started off like that and it just grew.

It feels like he’s cheating on me, but not even with another woman

He's cheating on you with himself 'as a woman'

You deserve better.

Did you really lose your libido or you've lost sexual attraction to him?
Could you imagine yourself sleeping with someone else, would you want to?

To me it sounds like you're in very different places wanting very different things. You could try and stay friends, while removing the sexual element and perhaps finding pleasure with someone else.

FWIW I would not fancy a man who wore women's clothing inc. underwear. Just not my cup of tea. I'm allowed to feel that, and so are you.

We’ve talked about it a lot, and it seems as though he wants to wear it all the time.

This is very difficult.
I think it is more difficult as you don’t know if it is a fetish or more that he wants to be a cross dresser or if he wants to become a women.
I don’t know everything but IME a fetish is something that only happens regarding sex (not wearing them all day like he wants to).
A cross dresser is someone who identifies as male (or female) but enjoys fully dressing as a female at particular times.
And obviously if he wants to become a women it’s because he identifies as one. Apparently lots of men do little things like paint their toenails to make themselves feel better without people noticing.

I personally think this is more than a fetish as I don’t think he’d want to be wearing them all day.
I am impressed how tolerant you have been so far. But you are attracted to men so it is ok for you to not be attracted to someone who looks like a women.

I believe that for people who have a dominant sexual kink, that kink is of greater importance than the needs of the person they are having sex with. I also think you have done yourself a huge disservice by going along with this all these years, and it was really at your own expense. Him wearing women's knickers doesn't appear to have enhanced your sex life at all, it didn't gross you out so you just tolerated it. That doesn't sound so great, in my opinion. A dominating aspect of your sex life for years and years and yet it does nothing for you? How tedious for you and how utterly selfish of him.

The bottom line is that he's checked out of your marriage and his proclivities are escalating. I can't see how this is sustainable without your needs being completely disregarded.

I'm sympathetic to him for being so dependent on his kink but also turning the spare room into his private wank dungeon is a step too far x

I couldn't tolerate this.

It does sound like autogynephilia/fetishistic transvestism. It isn't uncommon.

I do think that a lot of men with these fetishes get their kicks from exhibitionism, which is being increasingly enabled by the all welcoming trans movement. That is, they get to masquerade as women getting their kicks while doing so under the guise and protection of being "trans" when their motivation has absolutely nothing to do with genuine gender dysphoria.

I wouldn't continue with the relationship. My concerns would be that:

1. for a lot of men with this kind of fetish, it becomes an addiction. A key characteristic of addictions is that they trump everyone and everything else in a person's life.

2. If things continue to increase and accelerate, bit by bit, he might eventually decide that he enjoys the "release" (sexual kick) of presenting in public as female, and start calling himself a transwoman.

Neither situation would be tolerable for me.

Remember, you are allowed to leave any relationship for any reason you choose. You are not compelled to tolerate anything that is uncomfortable for you.

Recommend @Tinselangel and also this website:

Transwidows

The reason I have gone along with it for years is because it didn’t offend me at all as part of our sex life. I was happy to see him enjoying himself, and it wasn’t ‘at my expense’ as I felt neutral about it. We’ve had a lot of great sex over the years, some of the time he wore knickers but mostly he didn’t, and until perimenopause hit, I enjoyed sex with him. I’ve no interest in sleeping with anyone at all these days, but I like the intimacy of sex, so I want to try and deal with my lack of libido for the both of us.

I know that Mumsnet love an LTB but I don’t think that throwing away a 10 year marriage that in every other respect is wonderful is the right way to go here.

Obviously lots of people have had experience with this, and it has been a slippery slope, so I’m trying to weigh up how big a deal this is for him. We’ve talked a lot tonight and he says that it is less important to him than I am and, like Nowayhozay suggests, we’re discussing how to manage it in a way that feels acceptable to us both. He understands that I’m not attracted to femininity in a man and says he won’t be wearing it except for as a sex thing. He made a grand gesture of throwing it all away (what a treat for the binmen) and says that when he gets the urge to do it again we’ll choose stuff together and it’ll be done as a joint venture.

Obviously it remains to be seen whether he is able to be open with me about it. But he certainly knows how much he’s hurt me.
I don’t agree that he has checked out of our marriage. There’s a lot more to our marriage than sex.

Thank you for all your responses. Even if I don’t agree with them all, they’re helping me to see what’s important to me, and how to put across my feelings to him.

Hi OP. Your story is very familiar, the lying, the secrecy, the binge and purge, the shaving. A lot of what you say reminds me of my own experience- although my ex's cross dressing never came into the bedroom.

I think it was the transsexual Miranda Yardley who originally said "What's the difference between a transsexual and a trans woman? About two years."

I wonder who he was sharing those photos with that you found? You've now been manipulated into a situation where his dirty secret has been turned into a joint enterprise that you can't complain about.

I would urge you to read the trans widows threads on here and the women's stories on our website :
https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/
This should give you some idea how things are likely to pan out. You may decide you can put up with it, many women do, but if and when you decide you can't there is a community of trans widows here who can support you.

Above all don't feel bad about your reactions. Your feelings are valid and you should not second guess yourself out of them.

Have you thought able couples therapy, with a therapist who specialises in the sexual part of relationships?

The main thing that would worry me is the photos...what are they for?

@TinselAngel

Hi OP. Your story is very familiar, the lying, the secrecy, the binge and purge, the shaving. A lot of what you say reminds me of my own experience- although my ex's cross dressing never came into the bedroom.

I think it was the transsexual Miranda Yardley who originally said "What's the difference between a transsexual and a trans woman? About two years."

I wonder who he was sharing those photos with that you found? You've now been manipulated into a situation where his dirty secret has been turned into a joint enterprise that you can't complain about.

I would urge you to read the trans widows threads on here and the women's stories on our website :
https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/
This should give you some idea how things are likely to pan out. You may decide you can put up with it, many women do, but if and when you decide you can't there is a community of trans widows here who can support you.

Above all don't feel bad about your reactions. Your feelings are valid and you should not second guess yourself out of them.

The ops DH likes wearing knickers it's a huge and frankly ridiculous assumption that this is going to lead to him wanting to live as a womam.
The op is trying to save the relationship she has with a man she clearly loves.
If she is happy to find a compromise that works then surely supporting her in achieving that is the important thing.

@YouMadeABear

He sounds like an autogynepheliac. Sorry OP. Don't ever make anyone feel like you're unreasonable for having your own boundaries. You don't have to be ok with that.

How on earth do you arrive at Autogynephelia from simply wearing women's underwear??