DH and women’s underwear

[Needanothername1234]

Feeling a bit sick and need someone to tell me if I’m being horrible.
My DH wears women’s knickers. I first found out when I discovered some close up photos of him wearing my underwear on his computer (which I occasionally used with his permission) This happened after we’d been together for about 2 years and had moved in together. He said that it was a little kink when he masturbated sometimes, no big deal, so I asked him not to because he’d ruin my underwear.

Subsequently I found some knickers in the house after I’d been away. I immediately assumed he was having an affair, so was relieved to discover that he’d bought himself more underwear so that he wouldn’t fuck mine up. We talked about it, and I told him I felt upset by his furtive behaviour, and did he want to wear them during sex? I thought that by incorporating them into our sex life it would make him feel less ashamed. So we did that occasionally, and he openly had a few pairs he would wear with me, and I thought that would be enough.

We are now married and have been together for 10 years. During that time we’ve been through some really hard experiences including infertility, and our sex life has dwindled to almost non-existence. This is partly due to my libido disappearing (perimenopause) but also because DH makes no attempt to have sex. I’ve told him many times that I want to have sex with him and be intimate, even if my lack of libido means that I rarely make the first move. He swears that he still fancies me, and when we do have sex he still seems to be keen.

Over the last week we’ve been sleeping separately (insomnia/snoring) and I noticed that he’d shaved all his pubic hair off. I jokingly said that he was using the spare room as an opportunity to live out his sexual fantasies without my oppressive presence, and he just laughed and said it was more comfortable in the hot weather. Anyway, I lost something a couple of days ago and asked if I could look through his drawers to see if it was mixed up with his stuff. I then found two drawers full of knickers, stockings, etc. When I asked him about it it became apparent that he has now replaced me with masturbation, and he wears this stuff all the time and regularly buys it. I feel sick. It feels like he’s cheating on me, but not even with another woman. I’ve been cast aside in favour of a load of nasty polyester. The secrecy makes me feel so sick.

We’ve talked about it a lot, and it seems as though he wants to wear it all the time. I have no problem with him wearing it in bed sometimes as a dirty sex thing, but am really repulsed by the idea of him shaving and wearing it day to day. I feel like a horrible intolerant person, but I don’t know if I can fancy him if he goes down this feminine route. It really turns me off.

I am getting hrt to try and deal with my libido, but it feels as though he’s already written off our sex life. He’s a wonderful kind man and we’ve been through so much and I love him dearly, but I’m really struggling with the way he’s just written me out of his sex life. It’s crazy that I feel jealous. How do I deal with this?

I’ve been on shopping trips for underwear before, back when we had a regular sex life. This isn’t a new thing

For lingerie for him? I thought that was a mew thing, or have I misunderstood?

New not mew!

@MadamBatty

Who wants to buy underwear online? Not me. It’s always different to how you imagine it and the fabric feels wrong and you can’t get an idea of how it will fit unless you look at it in person.

@foxandbee
When I first discovered that he had bought himself underwear, which was not long after I found that he’d been wearing mine, so approximately eight years ago, we incorporated it into our sex life occasionally. Part of that was to buy some knickers for him a couple of times when we were out in town, in the same way that we might get a pair of new socks or a loaf of bread.
It certainly wasn’t some thrilling outing to the lingerie department where he could barely contain himself.

Oh OK, I thought is was a new thing. Although I didn't think or suggest it was going to be a thrilling outing etc.in the way you describe.

I hope you mange to work things out.

I’m interested in how people are thinking about this potential shopping trip. Have you ever been shopping with your DP for e.g. a vibrator? Something that will be used as part of your sex life, perhaps more for you than your partner, on an occasional basis. Was that shopping trip a sexual experience? Did it blur the boundaries of your sex life so that your sex life was now taking place in a shop as well as the bedroom?

I’m not quite sure how the underwear he wants to wear in the bedroom is supposed to get to the bedroom unless there’s shopping involved. Even online shopping involves the postman, and he hasn’t consented to be part of DH’s fetish. Will he get the union involved?

If I buy myself a vibrator because I struggle to orgasm without one does that make it a fetish? Should I only be allowed to buy that vibrator online or in a sordid 1970s sex shop? Or am I allowed to go into Boots and pick up one when I’m doing my shopping? Should I feel ashamed of myself for needing one?

[quote Needanothername1234]@MadamBatty

Who wants to buy underwear online? Not me. It’s always different to how you imagine it and the fabric feels wrong and you can’t get an idea of how it will fit unless you look at it in person.[/quote]
I should imagine that underwear made specifically for women won’t actually fit a bloke!
I personally don’t want to be stood in M+S choosing a new bra next to a man who’s choosing his own bra to wear to act out his fetish. If you want to choose his underwear for him, just go yourself, buy a job lot then return anything that doesn’t fit. Part of the paraphilia is getting turned on at the wearing of, or thoughts of wearing, women’s underwear. He’s stood in front of the Lacy pants selecting items to wear that will turn him on. The boundaries of his paraphilia are widening, and including other shoppers and shop assistants who have no idea!
Keep his kink private, other women don’t give him permission to service it in their space.

@Needanothername1234

I’m interested in how people are thinking about this potential shopping trip. Have you ever been shopping with your DP for e.g. a vibrator? Something that will be used as part of your sex life, perhaps more for you than your partner, on an occasional basis. Was that shopping trip a sexual experience? Did it blur the boundaries of your sex life so that your sex life was now taking place in a shop as well as the bedroom?

I’m not quite sure how the underwear he wants to wear in the bedroom is supposed to get to the bedroom unless there’s shopping involved. Even online shopping involves the postman, and he hasn’t consented to be part of DH’s fetish. Will he get the union involved?

If I buy myself a vibrator because I struggle to orgasm without one does that make it a fetish? Should I only be allowed to buy that vibrator online or in a sordid 1970s sex shop? Or am I allowed to go into Boots and pick up one when I’m doing my shopping? Should I feel ashamed of myself for needing one?

Last time I looked, sex toys weren’t available in many high street stores. If you pop into Boots to buy one along with lube and condoms, everyone knows what the deal is. Both men and women would use these items! Generally speaking men don’t wear bras or thongs unless it’s to fulfil a fetish. When was the last time your postal delivery driver knew what was in the packages they deliver? That’s just a daft analogy to use.

For AGPs the "girly" shopping trip is all part of the fantasy.

You sound so defensive OP, this is YOUR life and your marriage and people here are simply responding to what you have chosen to disclose.
If the shopping trips are just a humdrum activity then that’s cool. That’s how you’ve expressed them, no need for any further explanation. Others wouldn’t see them as ordinary but that’s ok too right.
If you feel judged or harangued maybe step away from this thread

I had a very similar experience to you, OP. Did the shopping for/with him thing (and, ahem, enjoyed it.) Knew about his predilection for years and years, and enjoyed participating in it. Kind, considerate husband of 25 years.

But, it escalated, not in a transitioning way (although it could have gone that way quite easily) but he bought stuff secretly, took every opportunity to go on business trips with his ?(pointlessly) secret stash, and bought it eventually into every sexual encounter; it was all about him, and I ended up being no more than a wank sock for him, a bystander in my own sex life.

I think sadly that the secrecy was a big part of it for him, he didn't really want a wife spoiling his fun. It came to a head when I found out ( because he was careless) that he was wearing dresses, bras etc at home alone and stopping me from going home during the summer (we had a holiday home at that point) because he had his stuff all laid out.

We are still married, not happily on my part, although he is still a kind and considerate partner. He says it is a fetish and he no longer dresses up, I doubt that, although covid and the impossibility of business trips would make it very difficult. We no longer have sex, I no longer trust him, he is no longer my best friend.

I am sorry for the essay, I never post, but wanted to tell you to take care of yourself, sadly, my experience is that once a fetish has a grip, things inevitably change, even if not in a transitioning way.

Hi Op. I think your attitude, open mindedness and optimism are wonderful. I hope that it works out for you both

A vibratory is not a fetish item.

Women's knickers for a man are.

Not sure what the point is.

Anyway to be blunt, men who have "feminisation", :sissification,", autogynaephila etc fetishism, who want to play at being female and get turned on by it .... turn me off massively.

If they don't turn you off, that's a good thing given your situation hopefully youre not bring carried away with ideas of tolerance and open mindedness and supportiveness etc etc that women seem tk by under particular pressure to he all the time.

I always wonder if men would be as tolerant of women cross dressing and introducing men's underwear, prosthetic penises etc to their sex life. I think not.
It's always about centring,pleasing and indulging the man isn't it.

*that women seem to be under particular pressure to be all the time.

I should add they only ever want to play at being female if it's "sexy", funnily enough - none of the actual real shit of being female.

A shallow, sexual, objectifying, artificial (and actually quite derogatory when when comes down to it) view of femininity.

Hi Op. I think your attitude, open mindedness and optimism are wonderful. I hope that it works out for you both

In the light of all the actual experience women on this thread have related, this post is either astonishingly naive, or gaslighting.

This whole thread is sooooo familiar. There have been so many similar threads over the years, where the OP says exactly what you've said and then within a few months is back saying the fetish has escalated, boundaries have been pushed and secrecy has been overflowing.

These men must literally read from the script, they all say exactly the same things!!!!

I hope it works out for you OP, but it reads like textbook agp.

I find it interesting that you're accepting of the fact he took so many photos of himself in the underwear. He's clearly turned on by HIMSELF in the underwear, absolutely textbook agp. In an odd way it would almost be better if he WAS sending them to others as they would be the people turned on by him in saucy knickers, but its not hes turned on by himself.

Good luck OP

This thread is very sad to read. OP, you are minimising and excusing everything. And now you’re getting super defensive. I think you know deep down where this is headed but can’t face it, so you’ll go along with it until have compromised so much that you don’t recognise yourself. When you can’t accept anymore, those same women that you have dismissed and been quite arrogant to, will be there to help. Good luck.

@SupermanWithTheGreyHair
That’s quite patronising.
If I am defensive, it is because throughout the thread I have clearly stated where my boundaries lie, and yet I’m being repeatedly ignored and told I don’t have boundaries.
I’m being repeatedly told that I’m minimising when in fact I am listening to everyone’s stories and advice and comparing them to the facts of my own relationship, and then refuting the parts of other people’s stories which don’t apply in my case.

Very few people on this thread are ok with men wearing underwear, regardless of the situation in which it is worn. That is their prerogative. However, they are trying to browbeat me to into complying with their feelings rather than accepting that I feel differently.

Some PPs are throwing in complete untruths about my situation and making up ‘facts’ that back up their own viewpoints and arguments.

I started this thread because I had made a really upsetting discovery and didn’t have anyone to talk it through with. Listening to the other PPs experiences has been really helpful because I can see which bits apply to me and which bits don’t, and I’ve been able to examine my own feelings and decide what is ok for me and what isn’t.

What definitely isn’t ok for me is to be told that if I don’t accept other PPs views about my marriage that I am some kind of a fool. People on here can only talk about their own relationships, their own experiences. They don’t know me, or my husband, They haven’t been party to the numerous extensive and emotionally draining conversations that have gone on between us over the last few days regarding this fetish. They haven’t witnessed the horrible demise of our sex life because of all the awful experiences we’ve been through as a couple over the last few years. They haven’t any idea about the love and kindness that binds us together.

There are some PPs on here who seem unable to accept anyone’s viewpoint other than their own, and think that the world is black and white.
I am currently living through this situation, with all of its complexities and competing emotions, so forgive me if I don’t immediately phone the divorce lawyer just because a stranger on the internet said I should.

@foxandbee
My comment about it being a thrilling experience wasn’t aimed at you, sorry, I should have made that clearer.
Many of the other PPs are suggesting that he is trying to involve all the other women in the shop in his fetish, and getting a kick out of traipsing round the shops looking for underwear with me. This is what I was referring to.

There’s no point in me giving much of a response. You think you have the husband that does this, but that he is different from all the others and it won’t progress to something more. I hope you are right but I really don’t think so. So again, I’ll just say good luck.

However, they are trying to browbeat me to into complying with their feelings rather than accepting that I feel differently.

Nobody is trying to browbeat you. Women here are pointing out patterns of behaviour based on their own, often extensive experience.

They haven’t been party to the numerous extensive and emotionally draining conversations that have gone on between us over the last few days regarding this fetish. They haven’t witnessed the horrible demise of our sex life because of all the awful experiences we’ve been through as a couple over the last few years. They haven’t any idea about the love and kindness that binds us together.

Many of us have been through exactly this, often for years and years, but granted not with your husband.

‘You think you have the husband that does this, but that he is different from all the others and it won’t progress to something more.‘

No I don’t. Several times I’ve stated that I don’t know what the future holds.

I HOPE I have the husband that does this but that he is different from ALL THE OTHERS DISCUSSED ON THREAD and HOPE it won’t progress to something more.

My own experience of other men has shown me that not every man with this fetish goes on to more extreme behaviour. Some PPs on this thread have given examples of occasions when this fetish hasn’t gone on to more extreme behaviour.

I completely understand why PPs with direct experience of this escalating are warning me off because in their experience there is only one inevitable conclusion to the story. But if I accept their experience as the ONLY POSSIBLE way this can pan out then I’m ignoring the other stories, and my own experiences, where it doesn’t lead to worse behaviour.

My marriage is worth a great deal to me. I like my DH an awful lot. I don’t see him as some kind of revolting pervert lurking in the knickers section upsetting people. I’m willing to wait and see what happens when we take steps to work with his fetish within my boundaries.

I HOPE that it will work out. That isn’t me burying my head in the sand, it’s an informed choice to try based on all the evidence I currently have, but with the knowledge that I may be headed for disappointment.

Thank you for wishing me luck.

I really, really hope it works out for you. I don't know what I would have done differently, and with the benefit of hindsight I don't think it would have made an ioata of difference how I behaved, because none of it was about me. I will be thinking of you going forward and hoping for a good outcome.