DH and women’s underwear

[Needanothername1234]

Feeling a bit sick and need someone to tell me if I’m being horrible.
My DH wears women’s knickers. I first found out when I discovered some close up photos of him wearing my underwear on his computer (which I occasionally used with his permission) This happened after we’d been together for about 2 years and had moved in together. He said that it was a little kink when he masturbated sometimes, no big deal, so I asked him not to because he’d ruin my underwear.

Subsequently I found some knickers in the house after I’d been away. I immediately assumed he was having an affair, so was relieved to discover that he’d bought himself more underwear so that he wouldn’t fuck mine up. We talked about it, and I told him I felt upset by his furtive behaviour, and did he want to wear them during sex? I thought that by incorporating them into our sex life it would make him feel less ashamed. So we did that occasionally, and he openly had a few pairs he would wear with me, and I thought that would be enough.

We are now married and have been together for 10 years. During that time we’ve been through some really hard experiences including infertility, and our sex life has dwindled to almost non-existence. This is partly due to my libido disappearing (perimenopause) but also because DH makes no attempt to have sex. I’ve told him many times that I want to have sex with him and be intimate, even if my lack of libido means that I rarely make the first move. He swears that he still fancies me, and when we do have sex he still seems to be keen.

Over the last week we’ve been sleeping separately (insomnia/snoring) and I noticed that he’d shaved all his pubic hair off. I jokingly said that he was using the spare room as an opportunity to live out his sexual fantasies without my oppressive presence, and he just laughed and said it was more comfortable in the hot weather. Anyway, I lost something a couple of days ago and asked if I could look through his drawers to see if it was mixed up with his stuff. I then found two drawers full of knickers, stockings, etc. When I asked him about it it became apparent that he has now replaced me with masturbation, and he wears this stuff all the time and regularly buys it. I feel sick. It feels like he’s cheating on me, but not even with another woman. I’ve been cast aside in favour of a load of nasty polyester. The secrecy makes me feel so sick.

We’ve talked about it a lot, and it seems as though he wants to wear it all the time. I have no problem with him wearing it in bed sometimes as a dirty sex thing, but am really repulsed by the idea of him shaving and wearing it day to day. I feel like a horrible intolerant person, but I don’t know if I can fancy him if he goes down this feminine route. It really turns me off.

I am getting hrt to try and deal with my libido, but it feels as though he’s already written off our sex life. He’s a wonderful kind man and we’ve been through so much and I love him dearly, but I’m really struggling with the way he’s just written me out of his sex life. It’s crazy that I feel jealous. How do I deal with this?

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say that I feel like I could have written this post. Also 10 years together, we have been through a lot including infertility. I also decided to accept the kink. Btw he also accepted a kink of mine that he doesn't particularly enjoys (foot fetish). Our sex life is good, he's very into pleasing me. DH is non binary although you would never know if you look at him, he's very masculine in his physic (has a beard), he doesn't seem feminine to me in any way, I see it as purely sexual kink, although he tells me he also feels like a woman but also like a man. I think he's exploring his own personality and I am fine with it. Main reasons is that our life together is a good one, he's very into me and into pleasing me sexually, I know he loves me and would not cheat. I feel like I don't want to repress his sexuality, but I have set boundaries, for example I'm okay with him wearing lingerie during sex, it's not a turn off for me, but about 50/50 I'd like "normal" vanilla sex. In reality we have kinky sex maybe once in two-three months, and "normal" once twice a week. I don't like him dressing fully as a woman usually, out of curiosity I can suggest we do it together or I'd do his make up. Otherwise I'm happy for him to dress up and masturbate on his own. I masturbate on my own as well, I think it's a normal part of life and people should take some time to please themselves and explore their sexuality and what turns them on. I also think what people fantasize about and what turns them on in their fantasy world doesn't usually play out in real world. So being turned on by dressing up and wanting to transition in my opinion are two different things. I don't know maybe I will prove myself wrong and will become a "widow" one day, it's great to know there is a support network out there for this case. At the moment it works. Best of luck to you!

@MrsMaizel

There is another thread on MN the moment where women are asking about where to find comfortable underwear. Many of the responses recommend wearing men’s boxers. Last time I looked no one was jumping in and accusing those women of being perverts or suggesting that they were about to transition. So that’s an interesting double standard

Come on - you know that is not the same . They are not masturbating in a private fetish ! 🙄

Did the OP actually say this @MrsMaizel ??

God - there's no hope for you OP. Your head is so firmly buried in the sand that you are willing to make completely ridiculous comparisons which make you look like a blind fool.

Yes, you do want it to stop. You are suggesting ‘incorporating’ it into your sex life as a compromise for your guilt at low libido. Otherwise, you’d want it to stop. OP please correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't it already incorporated into your sex life way before now?

God - there's no hope for you OP. Why di you think it's ok to tell a stranger that there is no hope for them? I don't think the OP is a "blind fool" (again, what makes you think this is ok or acceptable?) But I do think you have come across as a very unkind person. The perfect example of posters who get a kick out of bringing someone down from the safety of being behind their device. Sad.

I just wanted to say that I feel like I could have written this post. Also 10 years together, we have been through a lot including infertility. I also decided to accept the kink. Btw he also accepted a kink of mine that he doesn't particularly enjoys (foot fetish). @Vitallyli your partner is definitely 100% trans and you must leave immediately. If you dare to disagree you're an idiot who buries their head in the sand (secretly this is how I get my kicks and I want to watch your life tragically unfold on a series of updates through the comfort of my screen)

Seriously though that part of your post is the perfect example of different boundaries and people accepting different kinks. I have no problem with my partner wearing underwear that society has decided someone of their sex shouldn't wear. But a foot fetish...there's no way. I have almost the opposite of a foot fetish, I don't even like my own feet, hate seeing anyone's feet unless they belong to a baby as babies are cute 😂 I wouldn't tell your partner he must leave you because of it though!

If you hadn't discovered his secret behaviour would you be trying so hard to get back your libido?

@AveryGoodlay 😍

OP, you've got the cheek to suggest that you know yourself and your husband better than strangers on the internet. How very dare you!

It's human nature to spot patterns, especially with danger. I can understand PPs who have had traumatic experiences "seeing the signs."

But also, you can't just transfer templates automatically from one relationship to another. A key factor in why I'm not worried for you is that you and your DH show each other kindness and respect, and you talk and listen to each other, and this is not a one-way process.

Have you considered (sorry if this is a dumb question) what your worst-case and best-case scenarios might be?

For example, the worst-case scenario might be that you've let things drag for too long and his fantasy life is now much more fun than you could ever be. Somehow I doubt that, though. You sound a lot of fun 😊

And the best-case scenario might be that you and he have withdrawn into your own worlds a little bit, for reasons of your own, and this is the blip that has woken you both up to a need for closer intimacy with each other.

I'm just guessing here.

@Nowayhozay

You are right

@AveryGoodlay I think if you searched my very long and active posting, history, you would not say that I'm unkind. I am usually the one cheerleading and sympathising, but the OP doesn't understand the nature of sexual fantasies and fetish. I'm not saying she has to leave him, but it's important to understand the nature of what this is so she can make informed choices.

My last post was the 2nd or 3rd I've left on this thread where I've seen the OP increasingly doing mental gymnastics, such as apparently comparing women looking for comfortable underwear to men getting sexually aroused wearing women's knickers.....and then calling people out for double standards (still waiting to be corrected on that in case I got it wrong).

When someone is going this far down the rabbit hole then they do need a sharp wake-up call, which to be fair, can be counter productive if you call someone a fool. Maybe she's not a fool, who knows, but I would certainly say she's blind, possibly wilfully so at this point. It's easier to shut one's eyes and not look at difficult things.

I have no idea if the OP’s husband will escalate to full transition or not. Entirely possible he won’t. I have no skin in this game. I’m not personally attracted to men with sissy tendencies but he’s not my DH so that’s fine.

I do however think that this sounds like it’s a bigger and more persistent fetish than is likely to be satisfied by a couple of shags a month (or however frequently) carried out while he wears his fishnets. I read through the whole thread and when I came to the list of escalations a PP had pulled together, I went back and read the OP’s previous posts and despite what the latter says about misrepresentation or making assumptions in her response to that post, everything in it seems to come from the OP’s own words so I’m not sure how you can argue with what it suggests?

And as an outsider, there’s something about tone that comes through in the OP’s posts. Defensive and scathing at any suggestion this is escalating and unlikely to be fully satisfied by her regaining her libido and bringing it back into their sex life - there’s a real need for people to be wrong about this coming through. Conversely quite flat and unconvincing in the “I understand it may get worse” comments, as if there’s an acknowledgment it’s necessary to pay lip service to it but no real acceptance this might be the case.

I think the OP very firmly needs to believe that this is as bad as it will get and she’s fixed it now by changing herself, which is entirely understandable, and so an equally strong need to convince herself that everyone who sees red flags and alarm bells from their personal experience - which isn’t just full trans widows - has a “fixed opinion” or is looking for drama or is desperate to be proved right or whatever. I completely understand why this is, and hopefully for the OP’s sake she will be absolutely right.

I think if you searched my very long and active posting, history, you would not say that I'm unkind But you have been unkind to OP. I'm not saying you've never been kind to anyone. You've been unkind in this case

I do however think that this sounds like it’s a bigger and more persistent fetish than is likely to be satisfied by a couple of shags a month (or however frequently) carried out while he wears his fishnets. I do agree with this. None of us can be sure of what will happen of course. Whilst I think transitioning is unlikely? I do think OPs husband is likely to want more as he has already expressed this. I do worry he will wear them in everyday life and just become more secretive, leaving in boxers, changing into lingerie once out and changing into boxers before returning home. Not necessarily that but something along those lines maybe.

One key point that I can see here OP, is that you were open and accepting of the underwear, and were happy to incorporate it into your sex life and still are happy to do so and it still remained a secret from you.

But I suppose only time will tell if he wants to share the fetish with you or if this is something he prefers to do on his own. Has he ever suggested incorporating it, or was it from you? No need to answer here, but one for you to mull over for yourself that if it's something he doesn't want to share with his wife, how you'd feel about that.

Hello needanother I have never been with a man who had this fetish so can't offer advice or reflections based on personal experience. (Nearest I come is DH had a pair of silk boxers he liked the feel of but they didn't offer appropriate support... so I snagged them.😊)

But I was struck by what you said in a previous post about the way your DH likes the contrast between the silky female underwear and his own masculine body. OK, to me that does sound pretty self-regarding—it's not that he likes the contrast between his body and yours-in-flimsy-lingerie, which would be a much more common turn-on, but he's looking at himself while making love. So that's one red flag to me.

Has he shown in other ways that he sees a sharp divide between "masculine" and "feminine" things, behaviours, people, etc.? In particular, does he have a masculine and a feminine side himself that he is struggling to express and reconcile? Perhaps your DH's problem has to do with a reluctance or (currently anyway) inability to allow himself to be "feminine". But if the femininity is strictly limited to the bedroom and concerns him rather than you, then that's a different problem.

Anyway I very much hope you solve the problem—it sounds like your marriage in other ways is well worth saving.