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Original poster

DH and women’s underwear

264 replies

Needanothername1234 · 01/08/2021 18:16

Feeling a bit sick and need someone to tell me if I’m being horrible.
My DH wears women’s knickers. I first found out when I discovered some close up photos of him wearing my underwear on his computer (which I occasionally used with his permission) This happened after we’d been together for about 2 years and had moved in together. He said that it was a little kink when he masturbated sometimes, no big deal, so I asked him not to because he’d ruin my underwear.

Subsequently I found some knickers in the house after I’d been away. I immediately assumed he was having an affair, so was relieved to discover that he’d bought himself more underwear so that he wouldn’t fuck mine up. We talked about it, and I told him I felt upset by his furtive behaviour, and did he want to wear them during sex? I thought that by incorporating them into our sex life it would make him feel less ashamed. So we did that occasionally, and he openly had a few pairs he would wear with me, and I thought that would be enough.

We are now married and have been together for 10 years. During that time we’ve been through some really hard experiences including infertility, and our sex life has dwindled to almost non-existence. This is partly due to my libido disappearing (perimenopause) but also because DH makes no attempt to have sex. I’ve told him many times that I want to have sex with him and be intimate, even if my lack of libido means that I rarely make the first move. He swears that he still fancies me, and when we do have sex he still seems to be keen.

Over the last week we’ve been sleeping separately (insomnia/snoring) and I noticed that he’d shaved all his pubic hair off. I jokingly said that he was using the spare room as an opportunity to live out his sexual fantasies without my oppressive presence, and he just laughed and said it was more comfortable in the hot weather. Anyway, I lost something a couple of days ago and asked if I could look through his drawers to see if it was mixed up with his stuff. I then found two drawers full of knickers, stockings, etc. When I asked him about it it became apparent that he has now replaced me with masturbation, and he wears this stuff all the time and regularly buys it. I feel sick. It feels like he’s cheating on me, but not even with another woman. I’ve been cast aside in favour of a load of nasty polyester. The secrecy makes me feel so sick.

We’ve talked about it a lot, and it seems as though he wants to wear it all the time. I have no problem with him wearing it in bed sometimes as a dirty sex thing, but am really repulsed by the idea of him shaving and wearing it day to day. I feel like a horrible intolerant person, but I don’t know if I can fancy him if he goes down this feminine route. It really turns me off.

I am getting hrt to try and deal with my libido, but it feels as though he’s already written off our sex life. He’s a wonderful kind man and we’ve been through so much and I love him dearly, but I’m really struggling with the way he’s just written me out of his sex life. It’s crazy that I feel jealous. How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Needanothername1234 · 04/08/2021 13:48

@2phat2phaf
Thank you. I am sure that you did your best to make your marriage work and, as you say, it wasn’t about you. I’m very sorry that you no longer think of him as your friend. He has betrayed you and taken advantage of your attempts to accommodate him.

This may be the way my relationship is heading. I honestly don’t know, but I’m just not able to believe at this moment that this is a foregone conclusion for every woman who finds herself in this situation. My experience tells me otherwise.

I don’t think my husband is getting off on the secrecy. He says that the shame is not a ‘sexy shame’, he just feels mortified. Every other part of our marriage is good. I want to try.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I hope that you have happiness in your life outside of your marriage.

OP posts:
2phat2phaf · 04/08/2021 14:03

Oh, thank you for your wishes, he is still my friend, that (and money) is why I stay, he's just not my best friend, or the husband I thought he was. We had what I thought was a pretty great marriage, and it is hard to know that he chucked that away for a "load of nasty polyester." I try every day to get over it, it's been 4 years or so now, and I'm not over it, but there is enough good (and money) to stay. We all make our beds and lie in them, I guess. This is the very first time I have spoken of it outside of therapy, and that has been cathartic in itself, so thank you. Good luck x

Danceswithwhippets · 04/08/2021 15:55

A man’s perspective here, @Needanothername1234.

This is a very thoughtful thread. One thing that comes out of it is your intelligence, love and devotion for what seems to be a lovely man and a relationship worth fighting for.

I’m old enough to have been around the block a few times, and seen people in ghastly situations. I have a family member in a challenging situation (nothing like yours) and what such situations can do is extend our tolerance levels, mine certainly has.

Something I’m going to do is now read the trans widows links, I need to broaden my mind. From the posters’ comments, those women who have been on the receiving end of such unhappiness for many years very much now regard their men’s paths as almost pre-determined. I hope that’s not the case with you.

I’m going out this evening with a couple of married, gay, (male) long-term friends. They each started as straight, went bi, now unwaveringly gay. If I can summon up the courage I’ll ask if they think their futures were pre-destined.

TinselAngel · 04/08/2021 16:12

@2phat2phaf

Oh, thank you for your wishes, he is still my friend, that (and money) is why I stay, he's just not my best friend, or the husband I thought he was. We had what I thought was a pretty great marriage, and it is hard to know that he chucked that away for a "load of nasty polyester." I try every day to get over it, it's been 4 years or so now, and I'm not over it, but there is enough good (and money) to stay. We all make our beds and lie in them, I guess. This is the very first time I have spoken of it outside of therapy, and that has been cathartic in itself, so thank you. Good luck x
You'd be welcome on the trans widows thread if you want to discuss it further Thanks
TinselAngel · 04/08/2021 16:22

I’m going out this evening with a couple of married, gay, (male) long-term friends. They each started as straight, went bi, now unwaveringly gay. If I can summon up the courage I’ll ask if they think their futures were pre-destined.

Fetishes are not a sexuality.

Nowayhozay · 04/08/2021 18:23

I think that many of the pp's here are either "Trans Widows" or at least are looking at this from that perspective.

I can see that if you have married a transwoman then the first inkling you may have that something is amiss could well be cross dressing and I guess that underwear would be a pretty usual starting point.
So your journey starts with a pair of knickers and ends with your husband coming to terms with his Transsexuality which sadly but understandably leads to a relationship ending.
However this isn't the journey that the average man with a fetish will be taking his partner on, surely you can accept that not every man who enjoys wearing lingerie is on the path to transitioning !

I don't have figures but I am willing to bet that wearing women's underwear is one the most popular fetishes out there.

I would also bet that you all know at least one man who secretly does this.

I had a relationship with a man who had a lingerie fetish, although I am no longer with him in that sense we are still very good friends and occasionally meet up so that I can help him shop.
He would be absolutely mortified if anyone thought we were shopping for him and i see no reason why anybody would assume that.
I know he wears knickers as a matter of course but that's not really an escalation as he always has done, so far no one has realised.

If I had asked him not to wear them when out when with me I am sure he would have obliged.

He was then and still is very much a man, he just enjoys pretty underwear that feels nice, its really not that bad and certainly not worth leaving a marriage over.

So yes I can accept that many of you have the awful experience of losing your partner because they have transitioned but please just bear in mind that's not how it is for the majority of couples who live with this harmless fetish.

TinselAngel · 04/08/2021 18:32

with this harmless fetish.

It's not harmless. AGP is based on the subjugation of women.

TinselAngel · 04/08/2021 18:34

Also we didn't marry trans women, we married men.

Nowayhozay · 04/08/2021 18:47

@TinselAngel

with this harmless fetish.

It's not harmless. AGP is based on the subjugation of women.

Nothing to suggest that this AGP ! You are just making a ridiculous assumption. The op has described a simple fetish nothing more.
Nowayhozay · 04/08/2021 18:49

@TinselAngel

Also we didn't marry trans women, we married men.
Sorry I must be misunderstanding?

If your partners have transitioned to become or to live as women then they were trans when you married, the fact you didn't know doesn't change that

2phat2phaf · 04/08/2021 19:03

However, it is also possible to be a Fetish widow. Different thing, similar heartbreak, I imagine. The escalation may well happen in different ways, to full transition, or to something else, but escalation is destructive and soul destroying nonetheless. I just hope that the OP and her partner can work it all out so their relationship works for them, and am sad that so many of us have had our relationships irrevocably changed by it. Might stop lurking over on your thread @TinselAngel !

MadamBatty · 04/08/2021 19:27

@Nowayhozay. How does a man transition to. Become or live as a woman?

How do women live?

How can a person change their sex?

TinselAngel · 04/08/2021 19:27

Nothing to suggest that this AGP !
You are just making a ridiculous assumption.
The op has described a simple fetish nothing more.

What is the difference between AGP and what the OP is describing?

TinselAngel · 04/08/2021 19:28

If your partners have transitioned to become or to live as women then they were trans when you married, the fact you didn't know doesn't change that

Of course they weren't. Don't be silly.

Nowayhozay · 04/08/2021 19:43

[quote MadamBatty]@Nowayhozay. How does a man transition to. Become or live as a woman?

How do women live?

How can a person change their sex?[/quote]
Don't ask me !
TinselAngel is the one who says it happens,I suggest you ask her

Nowayhozay · 04/08/2021 19:45

@TinselAngel

Nothing to suggest that this AGP ! You are just making a ridiculous assumption. The op has described a simple fetish nothing more.

What is the difference between AGP and what the OP is describing?

As I understand it, AGP is when a man gets a sexual kick from imaging he is a woman ? The op hasn't mentioned that or have I missed it ?
Original poster
Needanothername1234 · 04/08/2021 19:51

@TinselAngel

Nothing to suggest that this AGP ! You are just making a ridiculous assumption. The op has described a simple fetish nothing more.

What is the difference between AGP and what the OP is describing?

I’ve been looking at AGP. ‘Autogynephilia is defined as a male's propensity to be sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a female.’

I asked my husband what he thinks about when he’s wearing the lingerie and he says that what he likes is the juxtaposition of the female lingerie on his male body, the fact that it looks wrong, the fact that it jars.

He says he is not imagining himself as a female.

The photo I found years ago was a close up of his penis in my knickers. There wasn’t anything female about it. He hadn’t tucked his penis between his legs. He wasn’t pretending to be female.

I would say that this isn’t AGP, although I haven’t read into it extensively.

OP posts:
TinselAngel · 04/08/2021 19:51

Don't ask me !
TinselAngel is the one who says it happens,I suggest you ask her

Well anybody with even a nodding acquaintance with me knows I don't believe people can change sex.

Anyway I'm allowing myself to be goaded which is moving away from the purpose of this thread, so I will bow out.

As I said at the outset, good luck OP and you know where we are if / when you need us Thanks

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 04/08/2021 20:33

He says he is not imagining himself as a female.

I just don’t know how you can believe this OP. I feel so sad for you. I would say think about the facts in front of you, not what your husband has talked you into believing.

Original poster
Needanothername1234 · 04/08/2021 20:48

The facts in front of me are that he gets a sexual thrill from wearing women’s underwear. There is no evidence that he does that to imagine himself as female..

Don’t feel sad for me. I have a really nice husband and a generally pretty good life. Maybe that won’t last. Maybe it will.

OP posts:
MrsMaizel · 04/08/2021 21:02

This is a very confusing thread - you seem to have come full circle from your OP of "feeling sick " about his " dirty sex thing" . It's almost as if you are scared to listen to some of what has been suggested.

Imasoulman · 04/08/2021 21:14

@MrsMaizel

This is a very confusing thread - you seem to have come full circle from your OP of "feeling sick " about his " dirty sex thing" . It's almost as if you are scared to listen to some of what has been suggested.
It's almost as if you are picking out parts of a post and putting them together to say something that the op never actually said 🤔
Original poster
Needanothername1234 · 04/08/2021 21:23

@MrsMaizel

This is a very confusing thread - you seem to have come full circle from your OP of "feeling sick " about his " dirty sex thing" . It's almost as if you are scared to listen to some of what has been suggested.
I don’t think it’s all that confusing. I feel sick about him deciding that he’d rather secretly wank in women’s underwear than initiate sex with me. That hasn’t changed.

I don’t feel sick about him wearing the underwear in bed with me. I never did.

I felt sick about the possibility that he was doing more than just wearing underwear, and that he wanted to possibly become more feminine in how he dressed day to day. He’s assured me that this isn’t what he wants.

I’ve listened to everything that has been said here. I’ve read numerous stories about transitioning. I’ve read articles about it. I’ve been reading up on AGP. And I’ve been asking my husband about what he wants. I’m weighing it all up.

I’ve also been repeatedly misquoted, patronised and accused of being a naive fool.

OP posts:
SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 04/08/2021 21:41

I’ve also been repeatedly misquoted, patronised and accused of being a naive fool.

I do think you’re being naive. I don’t think you’re a fool. I think you’re desperate for everything to be ok which is understandable, but that desperation can make you not want to see or accept what’s happening.
I think the likelihood is that your husband will push your boundaries more and more until you can no longer cope with the marriage that he’s offering you. I’m just really sorry that you’re going through it. Women here just doesn’t want another woman wasting their life on a man that is lying to you and maybe even himself at the moment.

Kindlynow · 04/08/2021 22:04

My husband does the same, OP, and we enjoy it together or apart depending on how we are feeling! Sorry your post got derailed with horror stories, plenty of happy endings (no pun intended!) to be found to - probably just not on MN ;)

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