Dating Thread 208 - sausage fest summer

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Thank you fur the new thread!

@Dan88Bourne

Back asking for some female advice - is it just a bad time to be dating at the moment? I've not had much luck over the last few weeks to the point I've deleted all my profiles. A few women I've seen once or twice are all either taking forever to respond now or complaining about being too busy. Is this the post-lockdown rush to see family and friends again combined with most workplaces being busy due to staffing issues?

I'm sure this isn't a boy/girl thing. I'm also sure it is the post lockdown, school holidays, usual summer activities issue combined with work being busy.
This week I've had - Monday get together with some friends after work, Tuesday free, Wednesday walking group (extra long walk so late back), Thu work do online til 8pm, then date, tonight friend coming to stay, tomorrow date, Sunday walking then off to my mum's, then away til Thu.

All my friends are asking to see me to catch up, which is obviously great. Must be more manic for those with kids.

Just keep in touch with people and keep plodding on I guess.

Checking in! 🙂

Thanks for the new thread, @Dancerinthemoonlight. Love the thread title! ❤️

Lol at the new title @Dancerinthemoonlight, thanks for setting up.

So, my current two dates:

1. MrBee - first date last Sat, struggled to find a time to see him but seeing him tomorrow, we went for a walk last week (he has a dog), this week he has suggested I go to his for scones/cream/jam and then a walk as it's due to be showery (I don't mind walking in the rain) and he can't think of anywhere dog friendly indoors.
   
   Two issues here - 1) being in a house with a guy I've only met once, 2) if he can't think of anything dog friendly and dog won't be left at home for a while, would our whole future be dominated by this!
   1 I can solve by suggesting something else, 2 - I guess we'll see. I like him enough for a second date, I think some people just don't see the perceived potential 'risk' to women, as they are good guys. I don't think there is a risk but I still feel it's not quite right.

2. MrGig - (previously no name) - first date last night, he suggested dinner which was fine by me as I had a work thing til 7.30pm so wouldn't have eaten anyway. Date was nice, he's fun, talks a lot (got slightly bored by some of his rambling tales, but also I know I do that, so....), we chatted about music, gigs, TV.....met at 8pm, left at 10.30pm ish, twenty minutes drive home for me, ten for him......not heard a word from him. He was previously very chatty by text, and no matter what I would expect a 'nice to see you, hope you got home OK' text when I arrived home, but nope, and nothing today. So, presumably he doesn't want to see me again.
   I mean, I'd be in two minds re fancying him, he's short (about the same height as me at 5'6" - height was never discussed) and carrying lockdown weight (though that in itself isn't an issue, more that he doesn't look like his pic, which I would say is two years old). I mean, he maybe doesn't like 'tall' women in the way some of us don't like 'short' men...who knows.
   And to be fair, I haven't texted him either.
   We had a 'thing' about the bill, you can pay online, so I said let's see how this thing works so we both fiddled with our phones for a bit and brought it up, there was a 'split bill' option so I said that's good, you pay your half first and I'll pay the balance, he said are we going halves then, I said I think so, or did you want me to pay it all (joking, lighthearted!), he made a sort of 'yeah.'.. jokey response and I said 'because I don't mind'. I don't think it was a big issue, but I then said 'Oh, I'll leave a fiver for a tip' and he said he would add £2.50 onto his then to cover half the cash tip.....so that was all a bit silly really, and I said 'oh, that's getting very specific'.
   
   He didn't offer to pay, though I had already said halves.
   I think sometimes people think if you pay your share that means you're not interested in seeing them again. It's an annoying message.

Anyway, now to think of somewhere to meet MrBee other than at his house - pub with outdoor garden but cover I suppose.

Checking in...thanks for the new thread.

Checking in too! 🤩 thanks Dancer 😌 Any news on the job front? Or summer holidays on the horizon?
So much has happened. Nice to hear some positive date ‘o’s have happened. finewines and troobleflooble (think it was you two, phone posting is trickier than laptop posting, sorry if i’ve mixed people up again) Sorry to hear bellidama communication is really difficult to navigate… whats your next steps with him then? Not helping your healths all over the place, never rains but it pours ay? MrElf and i enjoyed our week together but i was juggling work and truck stuff an seeing him so we ran into a few txt hiccups AGAIN. He‘s got naturally flaky/lost in his own world tendancies. So i‘ve learned if i want an answer i‘ll just ring him. vangohsdog your dates do sound very intriguing but the no follow up txts are super disappointing aren‘t they. Takes two seconds but makes a massive difference. As for the paying shenanigans does sound funny. MrElf is 5‘6 and i‘m 5‘4 i hardly notice it now though i love being face to face height! 😂

Quick MrElf update, really enjoyed spending the week together and we do feel strongly for each other! He‘s sort of in his own little world sometimes and we’re both really bad with making/sticking to plans. He went off on a day trip while i was working and bought a car 😮 he‘s pretty impulsive i’ve noticed. I‘m off to collect my son this weekend and will stay at my parents place a few days and he‘s headed off to see some friends. It‘ll be a week or so till we‘re together again. I‘m hoping we‘ll be fine but the hiccups have all happened when we‘ve been apart. Also does anyone know if Badoo notifies your matches when you log on? He showed me a notification he got saying i‘d been online when i hadn‘t even been awake it was 4am. We both deleted the app this week together? Really odd.
onwards i love the pictures, hope MeSpecs takes you soon! 😌

Haha, loving the new title, thanks Dancer. Let's hope it is !
All fine with me, Covid hasn't been pleasant so very grateful that I am double jabbed which took the edge off it I presume. Still no taste or smell but just beginning to feel better in myself. Not seen Mr V for nearly 2 weeks apart from a flying visit to the end of the path from where he threw a box of paracetamol and a box of ibuprofen at me ! (Tesco cancelled my online delivery) We're not out of isolation until end of Monday and even then I won't see Mr V until I feel I am fully clear/negative LFT.
Vangogh'sdog you always seem pretty philosophical following your dates. Maybe Mr Gig will be in touch although as you say a 'thanks for a great evening and hope you are home safely' would have been a polite check in. I used to do that as a minimum regardless of whether I thought there might be another date. Maybe the weather won't be too bad tomorrow and you can suggest a relocation for Date 2 with Mr Bee. At least you have met before if the choice comes down to either going to his or not meeting.

Thanks for new thread Dancer

Can anyone give me a view on what to do about Mr TG? 3 weeks now and not a word. I know I should move on and I have somewhat as I am having chats with others, but on the other hand I’d like a kind of closure.
I was thinking today what would make me happy and it would be if he came back all apologies and wanting to make our relationship a proper one going forward. But I know this is not going to happen!

So should I leave it or send a message and if I do message what would I say??? Part of wants to say ‘you have really hurt me by seeing me for over 7 months and then disappearing’ and part of me wants to never let him know that and get on with my life.

WWYD??

@MayEye i was similar with MrS and i opted not to send anything after the 6 week silence then birthday text from him. I wanted exactly the same as you. Closure and an explanation for why he just couldn’t be upfront and admit what was going on or tell me the reason he was ending things without really ending them. I wanted to tell him how unhappy he had made me and how badly i think he treated me BUT i realised either he‘d reply and i‘d get sucked back in, my hopes up and then crushed again OR he just would‘t respond which would make me feel even worse. I totally understand your predicament but just think about what would cause more hurt to you, hearing from him meaning he could have txt in all this time or not hearing anything at all. Good idea here to really really listen to your gut.

Thanks for new thread x dan88bourne me and dancer were saying it seems slim pickings at the moment (I’ve come off the apps for now) as everyone is full up with post lockdown social plans? I’ve got mini breaks planned and tbh I don’t really want date stress to spill into those and I expect some guys are the same? Give it a few weeks or month then another whirl

Checking in. Thanks for the new thread @Dancerinthemoonlight hope life is ticking along ok for you.

@MayEye

Sorry to hear that, I don’t think there’s a right answer that will be easiest really? You’re still into him seven months is a while and expect you’ll take time to get over him.

Agree he’s not behaved well - seven months with seeing each other regularly and physical intimacy is “serious ish” whatever labels there were on the situation?

Can you wait it out a week or a month and kick it down the road a bit?

(That said if it was me I’d get drunk and send him some really dramatic scorching messages and have a massive row and let it all out but maybe not your style!)

@Naimee87

Checking in too! 🤩 thanks Dancer 😌 Any news on the job front? Or summer holidays on the horizon? So much has happened. Nice to hear some positive date ‘o’s have happened. finewines and troobleflooble (think it was you two, phone posting is trickier than laptop posting, sorry if i’ve mixed people up again) Sorry to hear bellidama communication is really difficult to navigate… whats your next steps with him then? Not helping your healths all over the place, never rains but it pours ay? MrElf and i enjoyed our week together but i was juggling work and truck stuff an seeing him so we ran into a few txt hiccups AGAIN. He‘s got naturally flaky/lost in his own world tendancies. So i‘ve learned if i want an answer i‘ll just ring him. vangohsdog your dates do sound very intriguing but the no follow up txts are super disappointing aren‘t they. Takes two seconds but makes a massive difference. As for the paying shenanigans does sound funny. MrElf is 5‘6 and i‘m 5‘4 i hardly notice it now though i love being face to face height! 😂

Quick MrElf update, really enjoyed spending the week together and we do feel strongly for each other! He‘s sort of in his own little world sometimes and we’re both really bad with making/sticking to plans. He went off on a day trip while i was working and bought a car 😮 he‘s pretty impulsive i’ve noticed. I‘m off to collect my son this weekend and will stay at my parents place a few days and he‘s headed off to see some friends. It‘ll be a week or so till we‘re together again. I‘m hoping we‘ll be fine but the hiccups have all happened when we‘ve been apart. Also does anyone know if Badoo notifies your matches when you log on? He showed me a notification he got saying i‘d been online when i hadn‘t even been awake it was 4am. We both deleted the app this week together? Really odd.
onwards i love the pictures, hope MeSpecs takes you soon! 😌

@Naimee87 apparently it'll be me taking him! I don't mind that though 😂😂😂❤️

@MayEye that sounds really hard and understandable that you want closure. Could you write down what you'd want to say to him - but don't send it? That way it's out of your head? Plus you know he won't respond in the way you want/need, so this way might avoid further heartache...

Mr BE has replied to a message saying he thinks we're fine (and saying lots of nice things aboute as always!) so I'm going to do my best to just observe my urge to seek reassurance and not act on it. It never works anyway! We agreed we'd speak on the phone rather than relying on messages when apart. Was dating a lot less angst ridden before mobile phones I wonder?!

Thanks for new thread @Dancerinthemoonlight!
@MayEye it's a tough one, you've done so well not to message and I know how hard that is. Every time I broke the silence with Mr O I wished so badly that I hadn't. I so wanted him to come back full of apologies and going back to promising me the world, but there came a turning point where I thought to myself "even if he did, I couldn't". To treat you so poorly after such a long time is really terrible behaviour. Could you trust him not to drop off again? If he can do it once he's shown he's capable.
If I could go back, I'd have left it altogether or left it with just one closure message rather than tried so hard to get an explanation out of him.
I still get tempted to message him now but it's purely from an anger perspective and it'll make me feel shit!
Glad you've had a nice time with Mr Elf @Naimee87 would it maybe be a better idea to do a call a day to check in rather than messaging? I appreciate it's easy to misconstrue texts but I don't like the sound of these hiccups.
Hope you're feeling better @Onesmallstep67 and @VanGoghsDog so bloody rude when they don't at least thank you for your time and wish you the best after a decent enough date!

Thanks so much for responding @Heartbeats0708 @Naimee87 @Misty9 @SpringlikeBunk you are right of course. Nothing he will say other than ‘I was in a coma’ will excuse not even a check in message. His last message to me saying he needed to ‘take a break from us’ for two weeks while he dealt with the ex/ kids stress going on was bad enough because his break meant absolutely no contact but those 2 weeks have elapsed and still nothing - not even a ‘I still need time it’s still crazy here’ type of message - does show me where I figure in his life. I was doing ok but my first childfree weekend in a month with no plans is looming and I’d love to be seeing him.
I shall stay strong though because I know if I get sucked back in it’s only postponing the inevitable! Unless I get drunk and do the mad text which I will get a small satisfaction from but will regret in the morning

I've had some really interesting perspective this last couple of days because an old school mate (male) has been staying. I quite often bounce dating ideas off him.

@MayEye he described a situation not so dissimilar to yours. His mum has just died which is why he's staying. I asked him how his 11 month strong relationship was going and he said that when he'd messaged to give her the news that he was coming home to organise his mum's funeral, she'd suggested not being in contact and he was relieved. He said he thought it was probably the end, I asked didn't he want closure or to talk to her? No, he said, it's easier this way. They weren't suited and he didn't want to be tied to her city anymore so he was happy that she'd moved on.

Couple of things

1. He's 2 years out of a stressful 30 year marriage. I'm very fond of his wife but they were tooth and nail at the end
2. He was looking for FWB, his iron wanted a relationship then compromised because she didn't want to lose him

There are a few things for us all to learn from!! Personally I think he should bite the bullet and provide her with closure. Also, he wouldn't be surprised if she got in touch asking for closure. He's just got too much on his plate / ultimately doesn't care enough about her to provide it himself.

He is grieving so I'm really not going to push any of this beyond the couple of low grade chats we've had about it

@naimee87 unfortunately no news on the job front, I'm still hoping the right job is out there for me. I'm going away at the end of September. Although I have a load of AL I can't book any other than the odd as a member of the team has taken 6 weeks AL but working half days for some of it (although she has said she doesn't know how much work she will actually get done in Africa)

I'm wondering if I should go back on the apps for a month or just stay off until October but that seems like a really long break. I'm still on Hinge but that's going no where quickly

@Naimee87

I think Badoo is linked to Facebook so if you have the FB app on your phone open, even with the phone in sleep mode, maybe it refreshes every now and then?

That’s interesting @BelladiMamma because it’s not dissimilar to my relationship with Mr TG - bit of a compromise on my part.

It is easier to not have that awkward conversation and I have pushed for it previously when previous iron Mr German started to go cold on me. It’s not a nice thing to do though , but your friend grieving is not in a great position to see that now.
Mr TG is dealing with his divorce 5 years on but he ran away for 4 years and worked abroad so it’s probably like it’s freshly traumatic for him - he has form for not dealing with things I see now

Hope this isn't too much of a wanky thing to say @MayEye but why don't you take ownership of the situation with Mr TG. I am useless at waiting and wondering so I would probably be favouring sending a message that said something to the effect that it's been nice whilst it lasted, you hope his home situation is calming down and of course it's taking priority with him at the moment so you are going to step out and let him focus on that. You can leave the door ajar if you want to and suggest that if things ease at some point in the future you would be happy to hear from him again. Depending then on his answer( or lack of) you will at least have something to work with.

@Onesmallstep67 not wanky at all and kind of one side of where my mind is going. I can never think of wording that doesn’t come across as needy and emotional but the way you have worded it is good. I’ll sleep on it I think and decide tomorrow.

A little piece of me has this unrealistic hope that we can just go back to the way things were but even that is not what I want now so I do need to take control

@VanGoghsDog i don‘t have FB? So bit strange… he said my profile picture had changed and when i opened the app to see my profile, haven‘t been on since i met him just over a month ago i think, it was indeed one of my other photos. Really weird, glad i‘ve deleted it now anyway.
@Dancerinthemoonlight your colleague sounds so cheeky! Or am i reading that a little too negative. I so hope the right opportunity comes along. I’m thinking departmental changes for us will be announced in september/october. And could go either way. Hmmm as for the apps if you are in a good head-space give them a whirl however if you feel you’ve not missed anything and your calmer and more relaxed without them enjoy the breather!

@MayEye can‘t believe how similar what you‘re writing is… i hung on to the hope for so long too. Really thought we‘d go back to how things were in the beginning. But good to see you know that isn‘t what you want anymore. Its a giant leap forward! I‘m sure you‘ll fill your wknd. I‘m making the most of mine as my son‘s away and i plan to have an early night (malteasers and ‚too hot to handle, love the cringeyness) i’ll get on top of my flat (finally) hit the shops tomorrow (again) by and reward myself with a Frappucino! Yes i have a massive sweet tooth!

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards either way sounds super cute! Have you discussed films you like? 🤩🙌🏻