Dating Thread 208 - sausage fest summer

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote Naimee87]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards aaah horror oooh! i‘m so not a fan of this genre way to much of a wimp! Any date been set for this or progression in the discussions? 🤩
@troobleflooble my mistake sorry about mixing you up, not the first time either, my scattyness getting the better of me. Ugh! Why just why do complete strangers DO this? You reckon any girls goes ‚fuck yea here‘s one of me when shall we meet, your prefer a back ally or skanky motel?‘ there must be some vile human beings out there.
@Dancerinthemoonlight i honestly wasn‘t sure i‘d like MrElf based on photos and knowing his height too (supershort) but your friend doesn‘t sound like a friend at all. So maybe meetings this guy she has some altererior motive like someone mentioned. I‘d really distance myself from her too. I chatted with a friend earlier whose been a lifeline to a couple we know who are on the rocks lately but not one time have either of them thanked her or asked how she is? And She’s had a manic week! Some people just are so self-centered!
@Heartbeats0708 sorry to hear you don‘t feel well! Wishing you a speedy recovery for your date! The hiccups are all just mis-interpretation of txt messages. I think because his english is good but not his mother-tongue some of my ‚humour‘ gets lost on him. I’m quite sarcastic and sometimes it really doesn’t translate well. I‘m limiting txting this week and going with video/voice messages (which i never used to like) as you suggested!

@MayEye i never defined what i was with MrS! I‘m hoping your feeling a little better. Seems comments are really mixed with what you should do about contacting or not contacting him. Is it any clearer in your mind? I remember days where i just couldn‘t get him out if my head but it‘s a ton better now. Still have photos of us an my heart strings go when i see them. Now wondering if i should delete them but can‘t bring myself to do so yet. Ugh! This isn‘t easy is it on the emotions!
@BelladiMamma nice to hear you getting all flirty for some reason i thought things had slowed between you two? My fault, getting confused again
Whoever said ‚30 minutes to get sexed up‘ is SO funny, very relatable as well.[/quote]
Things slowed for a few hours when I had to pull out of my date and he wanted to leave me in peace for a bit.

That then prompted me to push the conversation in another direction about relationships etc and it's gone really well.

Just need to meet him now 😆

@Languidleopard I felt there was a connection but only time will tell! We exchanged messages afterwards but need to see if I hear anything this weekend. If not, then perhaps it wasn't anything!

@Kazziepooes wow I definitely wouldn't want to see him again after that! Unless you happen to have known him for a long time before dating and there is some history between you and backstory of why it happened then massive turn off!!! You don't owe him a 2nd chance here!

Thank you all for your advice - it’s helped me straighten out my brain. No backstory, I actually ended up leaving him in the pub and best place for him. Thanks for giving me courage here! Xx

for me, unsolicited dick/wanking shots = massive 🚩

Yeh me too ☹️
But seriously why would anyone send a stranger a picture of themselves knocking one out ?
So far no one has sent me an picture of their breasts.

… solicited or otherwise

(Why is there no edit function on this forum)

@Eesha your date sounds so lovely. I hope you can keep the connection going while you are apart. He definitely seems keen from how you’ve described it so don’t rule yourself out just yet.

@SortingItOut no discussion took place because of my avoidant tendencies (and I suspect his tbh) so yes it probably allowed him to disappear as it was never labelled a ‘relationship’-still hurts though!

Thanks @Naimee87- sure seems like my thing with Mr TG and yours with Mr S are very similar! I haven’t done anything yet. I’m pondering.

@Languidleopard you make a good point. Does he have the capacity to give you what you need? That would be what I think you should be asking yourself. I think the answer to this based on the last 8 months is No
Like the sound of both of your potentials!

@BelladiMamma sounds like things are going nicely with Mr Beard- we are all invested with you when are you meeting?

@Heartbeats0708 hope you felt well enough to go ahead with your date.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards agree with the comments of the others on the photos - never feel pressured to provide photos on demand.

@Dancerinthemoonlight love the sound of speed dating. I wish I had some single friends to do stuff like that.

GAHHHHH! I've blown it. Again.

I did suggest a call to handsome no2 who told me he was at a loose end this evening. And he blew me off saying he 'wasn't sure whether he was ready for that kind of interaction' (he had previously told me that although he hadn't met anyone IRL yet, he was thinking about it. I thought a call would be easier for him).

So he said instead tonight he's he going to 'get his guitar out and write breakup songs' (which I think was half joking,whole earnest).

I have my suspicions he may have been having similar chats with quite a few people and they've also just gone nowhere. Fully understand if he has breakup issues to deal with but why be on OLD sites at all, if so!

My self confidence has taken an instant dive though. I'm getting so few opportunities compared to what I think are others experiences, and even those all seem to just fall flat.

@FireandBrimstone

GAHHHHH! I've blown it. Again.

I did suggest a call to handsome no2 who told me he was at a loose end this evening. And he blew me off saying he 'wasn't sure whether he was ready for that kind of interaction' (he had previously told me that although he hadn't met anyone IRL yet, he was thinking about it. I thought a call would be easier for him).

So he said instead tonight he's he going to 'get his guitar out and write breakup songs' (which I think was half joking,whole earnest).

I have my suspicions he may have been having similar chats with quite a few people and they've also just gone nowhere. Fully understand if he has breakup issues to deal with but why be on OLD sites at all, if so!

My self confidence has taken an instant dive though. I'm getting so few opportunities compared to what I think are others experiences, and even those all seem to just fall flat.

Well first up - you haven't blown it AT ALL. the guy wasn't ready and he's told you that. So let's give him the credit for not ghosting. He's probably on OLD because he thought he was ready then realised he wasn't. Sometimes you have to be faced with reality to decide that you're not ready for it.

However, do not allow this to impact your self confidence as it's partly the luck of the draw, partly where you live etc which yields you decent matches.

Move on and chalk it down to experience.

[quote MayEye]@Eesha your date sounds so lovely. I hope you can keep the connection going while you are apart. He definitely seems keen from how you’ve described it so don’t rule yourself out just yet.

@SortingItOut no discussion took place because of my avoidant tendencies (and I suspect his tbh) so yes it probably allowed him to disappear as it was never labelled a ‘relationship’-still hurts though!

Thanks @Naimee87- sure seems like my thing with Mr TG and yours with Mr S are very similar! I haven’t done anything yet. I’m pondering.

@Languidleopard you make a good point. Does he have the capacity to give you what you need? That would be what I think you should be asking yourself. I think the answer to this based on the last 8 months is No
Like the sound of both of your potentials!

@BelladiMamma sounds like things are going nicely with Mr Beard- we are all invested with you when are you meeting?

@Heartbeats0708 hope you felt well enough to go ahead with your date.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards agree with the comments of the others on the photos - never feel pressured to provide photos on demand.

@Dancerinthemoonlight love the sound of speed dating. I wish I had some single friends to do stuff like that.[/quote]
Have decided not to meet for 2 weeks as that's the period of time I've been told I need to recover - and I can't drive in that period either.

He's flippin' gorgeous!

Was it you @Languidleopard who was commenting on Tinder bots?

Bot question - I've had a few matches before with very good looking (like model looking photos) Chinese men.

Obviously I'm flattered and potentially interested if they are real, but their photos are professional perfect and like in all these really glamorous locations, but are actually engaging in conversation as if they are normal guys living locally. My city is international enough so they "could be" real.

I've not really engaged much or pursued these as they just seem quite "surreal" and not sure, but not sure if these are known bots or a scam of some sort? (though I've never been asked for anything dodgy?)

I mean if I was a well-off super-cool good looking Chinese visitor I expect I'd be moving in similar circles, and wouldn't be looking to meet fairly attractivish but also averageish looking local women?

Or is it more of a cultural aspect getting lots of "really good photos which make you look like you're mega cool" which is why I'm thrown?

@FireandBrimstone

good for you for suggesting the call - much better to weed this type out early?

There's a LOT of guys who just want to chat/text and have a fantasy relationship.

Or if they do just want a hookup/last minute sex meet they think calling is too intimate and will "show them up", and means they can't just use texts to communicate in a fairly "distant" manner before pushing for a quickie.

I've never seen any bots on Tinder that I'm aware of. Nor good looking Chinese men 🤔

@SpringlikeBunk I've noticed the model type profiles of Chinese guys too. I'm also in a city (with a wealthy Chinese population) so felt they potentially could be real, but I've never interacted with them.

The suspicious thing that caught my eye was profiles of white/European looking men with Chinese writing in their bio (as in the Chinese characters). I thought that seemed odd and unlikely especially when I saw more than one. Also a couple of profiles of white guys with bios stating they were from China.

Will be keeping more of a look out now..

@Bbub

It is weird and mysterious indeed, almost wish I'd met one to find out.

I matched with a few and we started chatting (and no weird requests, although sounded like English second language) but on looking at the profiles again just thought it was a fake of some sort so blocked.

I mean they didn't seem to exaggerating wildly like "I'm just jetting in from my million pound yacht if you transfer me money I'll get you a ticket"

Just said they were mainstream postgrad students or professionals after regular coffee meets etc

Or maybe Instagram culture has taken off so much that those kind of glammed up surreal images are the "norm"

And everyone gets "photoshoots" like that but everyone knows they're kind of BS?

Just think if you genuinely had the access to resources to travel and looked like that why the fuck would you be approaching local divorced thirty somethings on a free app?

Actually googling says there is a well-known scam, although normally images of Chinese women for men,

so maybe it's just the opposite end of the same operation and they try to take some time to lure people in

Speaking from my rich (four or five day 😆) experience I'd say so far I've probably encountered six or seven definite bots, plus been served up at least another 10 or so that I'm pretty sure are, so I didn't swipe right.

Interestingly - none are Chinese (I wouldn't say it's a particularly high demographic where I am anyway) but certainly lots of extremely well taken model type photos. Many of them are of a similar 'type' - all within the types that the Tinder algorithm is probably serving me anyway because it's learned that's what I 'go for'. They are either trying to take the conversation onto mobile super fast, not answering questions I'm asking, or going in really quick with OTT besotted language.

I've found just asking "are you a bot" works!

@FireandBrimstone @SpringlikeBunk really interesting/grim reading about the bots. Is this all on tinder?

I've only used Guardian Soulmates (now closed), Hinge & Bumble. No bots on any of those!

My experience: a few dates with a nice older man on GS & chats that went nowhere.
Hinge: a very frustrating fling with an ex colleague who was a future faker & not great sex
My 3 month wonder with MrBear: nice guy but not for me as just a little bit too boundary pushing in a way that did not reassure me about our future (think unwanted gifts and not understand that I didn't want to merge lives after 5 weeks!)
Bumble: loads of chats, people generally more responsive. Keeping 2/3 chats going but focusing on my new crush, MrBeard

I was thinking about something else of this dating malarkey. In the last 2 years since splitting from my ex my 'relationships' seem to have followed 2 patterns:

1. Random guys from the far flung edges of my social group getting in touch on social media and becoming really dodgy cocklodging fantasists: 3. 2/3 ended by me after having sex and realising that I was dealing with a complete fantasist who was happy to move in on my life and wreck it. This is the crop that yielded the stalker and the Xanax addicted ex actor
2. OLD: 3 short lived but non scary interactions with a) the much younger buff ex para who was soooo boring in bed and out of it; b) the ex colleague; c) MrBear and hopefully d) MrBeard

So basically I've had sex with way more people than I'd ever have thought after a 20 year marriage (and 23 years in that relationship).

I'm not especially worried or bothered about this pattern but I would dearly love to fancy and go to bed with someone that might last more than a few weeks. I guess the answer is that my life is way more complicated now than it used to be & having been in crap relationships I'm not willing to compromise anymore. I'm perfectly ready to try to squeeze in a sausage fest with MrBeard before I go for surgery and then have zero expectations of it working out as I will then have another 3 weeks laid up when he won't be able to visit as I'll be at home.

I think I'm getting better at weeding out anyone who isn't going to be an adult about things, eg accept it if I want to push back.

@Eesha I'm glad your date went well, hopefully you will hear from him again and get another date booked in. If you don't at least you had a great time.

@MayEye I think sometimes it hurts more when you didn't have anything defined because your mind saw it as a relationship and you did a lot together.
Its the grieving for what you had and what you thought the future was. Have you sent him a closure message?

@Onesmallstep67 How are you feeling after Covid? Have you still got any symptoms?

@SpringlikeBunk

Just think if you genuinely had the access to resources to travel and looked like that why the fuck would you be approaching local divorced thirty somethings on a free app? 😂😂😂😂😂

I laughed so hard at this. I never saw it like that but very good point! I'm also a divorced 30 something, and while i think I'm a catch in lots of ways I can't see me being a cup of tea for those types.

Had an evening of swiping last night and rematched with another old iron. One I never met up with because he seemed a bit weird and moody on a video call, but nothing bad happened. I would really like to meet up with him this time,so going to bite the bullet if we get a convo going and ask if he wants to go for a drink. If not I'm going to stop pining after him (always held a bit of a torch for him) and ignore next time I see him on the apps.

@SortingItOut, thank you for checking on me. I’m not feeling 100% yet. I can’t taste or smell and my sinuses are feeling very raw and sensitive. I also feel pretty spaced out at times. I usually try to keep going instead of taking to my bed but not had my normal energy levels the last couple of days - maybe drained by my ill/bored/frustrated DDs bickering!

[quote Onesmallstep67]@SortingItOut, thank you for checking on me. I’m not feeling 100% yet. I can’t taste or smell and my sinuses are feeling very raw and sensitive. I also feel pretty spaced out at times. I usually try to keep going instead of taking to my bed but not had my normal energy levels the last couple of days - maybe drained by my ill/bored/frustrated DDs bickering![/quote]
Poor you 🤗 really hope you feel better soon x

[quote BelladiMamma]**@FireandBrimstone* @SpringlikeBunk* really interesting/grim reading about the bots. Is this all on tinder?

I've only used Guardian Soulmates (now closed), Hinge & Bumble. No bots on any of those!

My experience: a few dates with a nice older man on GS & chats that went nowhere.
Hinge: a very frustrating fling with an ex colleague who was a future faker & not great sex
My 3 month wonder with MrBear: nice guy but not for me as just a little bit too boundary pushing in a way that did not reassure me about our future (think unwanted gifts and not understand that I didn't want to merge lives after 5 weeks!)
Bumble: loads of chats, people generally more responsive. Keeping 2/3 chats going but focusing on my new crush, MrBeard

I was thinking about something else of this dating malarkey. In the last 2 years since splitting from my ex my 'relationships' seem to have followed 2 patterns:

1. Random guys from the far flung edges of my social group getting in touch on social media and becoming really dodgy cocklodging fantasists: 3. 2/3 ended by me after having sex and realising that I was dealing with a complete fantasist who was happy to move in on my life and wreck it. This is the crop that yielded the stalker and the Xanax addicted ex actor
2. OLD: 3 short lived but non scary interactions with a) the much younger buff ex para who was soooo boring in bed and out of it; b) the ex colleague; c) MrBear and hopefully d) MrBeard

So basically I've had sex with way more people than I'd ever have thought after a 20 year marriage (and 23 years in that relationship).

I'm not especially worried or bothered about this pattern but I would dearly love to fancy and go to bed with someone that might last more than a few weeks. I guess the answer is that my life is way more complicated now than it used to be & having been in crap relationships I'm not willing to compromise anymore. I'm perfectly ready to try to squeeze in a sausage fest with MrBeard before I go for surgery and then have zero expectations of it working out as I will then have another 3 weeks laid up when he won't be able to visit as I'll be at home.

I think I'm getting better at weeding out anyone who isn't going to be an adult about things, eg accept it if I want to push back. [/quote]
I've thought about this recently too - I've had more sex in the last 2 years since being single again, than in the 12 years when I was married! When I mentioned it to my therapist, she just said, well yes you're dating. It does feel like now there's no agenda for children I'm less likely to settle, and so after a few weeks/months it doesn't work out and I move on. But for how many more times?! And does it really matter how many one has slept with in total?

I'm seeing Mr BE this evening but for now I'm enjoying the benefits of being alone and am sitting in the sun in my garden, and appreciating just how much I have in my life - with or without a man 😎😊

Oh, and to add, my experience so far:
Fling with married man (I know, not my finest hour but I was vulnerable being straight out of a sex less marriage and he was a bit of a predator)
Couple of disastrous few week long things with slightly unstable men from tinder
ONS with guy I met irl
Ten month relationship with guy from pof
Two week thing with guy from tinder
Current thing with Mr Blue Eyes from tinder

I have a really bad memory in general so the details of some are hazy...