Dating Thread 208 - sausage fest summer

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Naimee87 I hmwanted to bring my kids up differently to how I was brought up.
Sex and periods were taboo, when I started my period I couldn't tell my mum, I told a school friend who told a teacher and then the teachet told my mum as I just couldnt do omit.
My mum was gutted I couldnt tell her but what did she expect when her and my dad were emotionally unavailable ☹

I've always had an 'any question answered' policy which at times has been 😱 but it seems to have worked and they're great adults.
My DD has often brought friends to me for help and advice as they cant speak to their parents, I've taken them for the morning after pill and brought them condoms etc

How old is your son?

@Naimee87 thanks for asking - its good actually. He's stepped up the contact and I respect/don't over think when he's quiet. I'm here now and it's pretty great... I'm possibly falling too @Heartbeats0708 after a similar length of time... But not quite allowing it yet 🙈

@SortingItOut that's the kind of relationship I really hope I have with my kids when they're older. Kudos to you

About the numbers thing I've never had a good experience of revealing it to a guy so I've decided I never will again. I think it's totally irrelevant.

I rememeber one boyfriend who sort of turned his nose up when I revealed my number (about 8-10 at the time maybe) but he had just admitted he had lost count of his!

Last guy who asked I told him it was none of his business and he really didn't like it 😒 I admitted it was double digits but pointed out it could be 10 or 99 in that case. I could tell he was insecure about his figure (single digits).

I stopped counting now I'm not sure if it's 20 or 25 and I just want to add a lot more to it to be honest 😁

Hi all

I've come to the conclusion that walking dates are pretty rubbish as a first date idea. You spend most of the time walking side by side, not looking at each other, not making eye contact, dodging round other people, and if it's sunny then someone wears sunglasses and then you see even less. Granted, for a long time there was little other option. Does anyone else still go on walking dates?

@Dan88Bourne

Hi all

I've come to the conclusion that walking dates are pretty rubbish as a first date idea. You spend most of the time walking side by side, not looking at each other, not making eye contact, dodging round other people, and if it's sunny then someone wears sunglasses and then you see even less. Granted, for a long time there was little other option. Does anyone else still go on walking dates?

I do, I like them. I think it's nice to get to know someone without the pressure of staring directly at their face for two hours.

Mind you, I don't wear sunglasses because I wear glasses. Go on a rainy day?

I like the more relaxed vibe, and I also like walking plus it's more healthy. As the first meet isn't really a date anyway, you can always have an intense staring contest for your first proper date, if that's your preference!

@Dan88Bourne Maybe break it up a bit ? Stroll somewhere nice, sit down and eat, have a drink or whatever, talk face to face, then walk back and chat.

@Dan88Bourne I like them and did a lot when dating last year. It's nice getting to know someone and being outside! You could find benches and chat. But last week I went for dinner as a first date and it was great too. Things are opening up so you have so many more options now.

@SortingItOut I love how open you are with your kids. I definitely want to be open with mine as I grew up very repressed.

@Eesha good news about your date

@Dan88Bourne I also actually quite like a walking date. If you walk somewhere interesting it gives you something to talk about. Stopping for something to eat or drink gives you the chance for direct eye contact without too much pressure. I think if you're just not hitting it off then the location of your date isn't going to change things massively anyway?

I didn't do many walking dates but I think it's a nice low key way to meet someone and see if there's anything worth pursuing. It can always turn into a cafe stop now if things are going well.

I need advice/ my head shaking. Things are going well with Mr Blue Eyes but he's got a lot going on in his life and is quite stressed sometimes. We've had a chat about whether he really has time for a relationship and he says we'll make it work. But it does mean he's quite quiet sometimes. Which I don't cope well with as I associate it with rejection. Always have done. For example, the snuggling after sex time - I feel the urge to fill it with talking I'm scared of being rejected and the urge to pull away is the result of that. Does anyone else have this problem? I'm trying to do the opposite of what my fear tells me to do...but it's hard. He tells me with words and actions how much he cares and wants me - why do I need more?! I'm actually a sane responsible adult with a professional job, but not when it comes to this stuff... :(

@Misty9

I didn't do many walking dates but I think it's a nice low key way to meet someone and see if there's anything worth pursuing. It can always turn into a cafe stop now if things are going well.

I need advice/ my head shaking. Things are going well with Mr Blue Eyes but he's got a lot going on in his life and is quite stressed sometimes. We've had a chat about whether he really has time for a relationship and he says we'll make it work. But it does mean he's quite quiet sometimes. Which I don't cope well with as I associate it with rejection. Always have done. For example, the snuggling after sex time - I feel the urge to fill it with talking I'm scared of being rejected and the urge to pull away is the result of that. Does anyone else have this problem? I'm trying to do the opposite of what my fear tells me to do...but it's hard. He tells me with words and actions how much he cares and wants me - why do I need more?! I'm actually a sane responsible adult with a professional job, but not when it comes to this stuff... :(

I read a really interesting article this morning by the writer Deborah Moggach who's single again at 72. She said that we would always have that youthful / emotional response to our love lives whatever age we were, we don't often change in that respect.

So I'd just stop, recognise that feeling, love with it for a moment then try to move on with the rest of your day in a positive way.

The other thing I've read elsewhere is to observe what the other person is doing. Don't look to influence outcomes of a conversation - just listen, observe and learn.

@Dan88Bourne another vote here for walking dates. In fact, a quick walk with coffee early on is always a great way to filter matches I've found. I did a couple of first dates in the pub and actually didn't like them so much as they were fraught with social problems- who's paying, are we having one or two drinks, how can I get away politely etc

@Misty9 and I definitely have this problem occasionally. Because we are still FaceTiming and texting I haven't had this yet with MrBeard. I'm sure if once we have our date - in 10 days time! - I'll get the same. But it doesn't always last for long with me. It either turns into deep, real feeling, or it just goes out like a light and the relationship is over. Because I'll realise the stressy feeling is my gut telling me something

@Misty9 What attachment style are you?
You sound anxious or fearful/disorganised.

Where does your fear of rejection come from?
Have you ever had counselling?

I can kind of understand the fear of rejection from his lack of messaging between meets but to fear rejection after sex when he is right next to you is a whole other level.

I thought after sex most people are quiet, personally after a good sex session I'm in 'the zone' for 20 mins or so, I've taught Mr K not to disturb me while I'm in 'the zone' and now he embraces it to.

If you mean hours afterwards then it sounds like he has a lot on his mind and is nothing to do with you or whether he is rejecting you.

Your anxiety is so high I just wonder if he is worth it, he doesn't message all the time but has upped his game and he's admitted having a lot on but wants to see you but when he's with you if he doesn't talk constantly you think he doesnt want you.

What would make you happy with him?

Any tips for stubble rash? My chin looks like it's been dragged along the carpet...worth it but not exactly ideal!

I definitely bliss out after good sex for a while and want to flop/maybe cuddle. If it's someone I really like there might be some pecks and sleepy conversation but it's more a few sentences here and there than actual conversation.

@flipperdoda If you're not leaving the house smother yourself in sudocrem.

@flipperdoda, sounds weird but try some men’s post shave balm, I use Nivea,

@Misty9
After sex it’s a few sleepy words, definitely not a chat, that’s too much to cope with

Personally I like a walking date, good way to ‘pre-check’, I think

Thanks both! Don't have either of those things in but I've got savlon which must be a reasonable replacement for sudocrem, got it on now! I'll remember the post shave balm for if this becomes a regular issue, that sounds like a really good idea.

I like a walking date too. I am so outdoorsy that if someone doesn't want to walk it's generally a bad sign, and I think it means you get enough things around you to chat about that you don't just have to cycle through "so what do you do for work" type questions - you can talk about the ducks/trees/cute dog that just walked pasta and it's a bit more natural!

I never went on any walking dates and ended up having one guy come to mine and I went to another guy's place and it was annoying as they were trying to sleep with me but I guess I should have seen that coming! Not going behind closed doors with another guy now until I'm ready for sex. (side note Why Men Love Btiches really advocates for that, not leaving any opportunity for them to feel "teased"..)

I'm too vain for a walking date normally, my profile pics are really dolled up and I can't turn up like that to the park so they might not even recognise me 😳

I'd consider it if there's another lock down but atm I use a date for the excuse to dress up and feel gorgeous. Not that the last guy even gave me a cursory 'you look nice" on our date 😒

@flipperdoda ouch at the sore chin but sign of a good time 😍

Definitely a good time and respect for not pushing me further than I was comfortable with, which should be standard but as we all know often isn't, so nice to know! I've had guys respect boundaries at the time then back off and he's not done that either. Seems like a good'un but trying not to get too excited too quickly - I decide on people quite quickly but it really opens you up to being hurt!

@Misty9 i feel for you with this as i‘m the same. No matter how reassuring they are or try to be i seek more. I‘ve no reason to doubt MrElf isn‘t feeling the same because while he‘s away he‘s been in touch every step of the way. But i somehow still worry he‘ll pull back, change his mind. It‘s really annoying and i fear in the long-run if it stays this way i‘ll push him away because i‘m too needy. I think someone mentioned before that more importantly to watch is behaviour. Texts at the end of the day are not worth a lot if they behave completely differently. MrS promised loads over text an none of it actually happened. It also is worth asking yourself how much he can prioritise you and what type or relationship you‘ll be able to have together in the future. I realise compromises have to be made but it can‘t be only one sided. His ‚busy‘ life doesn‘t sound like an excuse though and he genuinely does sounds caring and very keen on you.
@SortingItOut he‘ll be 12 this year…😇 any advice
Sudocream, we grew up calling this ‚unicorn‘ cream as it healed everything.
yay@Heartbeats0708 our timelines are the very same. Happy to say since MrElf left we‘ve been in touch with lovely messages (short and sweet ones) and a video call too. I‘m crossing my fingers we work as i do miss him. Not has this nice feeling for such a long time. I‘m at my parents for a few days now! Finally some holidays!

@flipperdoda I’m in a semi rural area, so have things like popular canal towpaths etc, with narrowboats, red kites etc, one has a pub at the end with a decent garden, so a walk can easily turn into a drink

Haha, well it sounds like it's just me then - maybe it is a case of it's just not having met the right person. I do always intersperse a walk with a sit down coffee or something. Now I'm just worried that none of my walking dates actually count as dates!