Was I selfish and mean?

[Jasmeen]

I have a lovely DP who I have been with for 5 years, not married and no kids. He is a very sweet personality, calm and gentle and always there to listen and support me. Compared.to some of the men o read about on here hes an absolute gem. He does all the cleaning laundry and DIY, while I do the cooking and "life admin".

Things have been a little tricky between us lately. I had to turn down a job opportunity I was offered somewhere pretty exciting because he wanted to stay in the same place he has always lived. Then came what I will call Housegate.

Basically I earn a lot more than him because I work in a specialist area and work long hours while he chooses to only work 20 hours a week. What we contribute to the household reflects the difference.
A year ago I said I wanted to buy a house. Not only is his income low but he also has a shocking credit rating and debt. Did he decide to sort that out? Did he fuck. So I told him that I couldn't wait for him anymore: he is 40 and I am 36, I want to get moving with this. I told him I was going to buy a house alone. All good.

So a year later and i get pre approved and i go to view some houses. I take him with me to see them because he will be living there too and i want him to live somewhere he likes and feels comfortable. We find a house we both love. I make an offer. The offer is accepted. I'm excited. LITERALLY five minutes after, he drops a bomb on me: he wants to own 20% of the house and he will give me some deposit money in exchange. I tell him i dont need any deposit money, i have my own. He gets frustrated and tells me "this doesnt feel like a partnership".

I'm hurt and i pull out of my offer and knock the house idea on the head as I begin to question even staying with him and in this area.
A week later I see his sister and mother who tell me I have been selfish and "a relationship is about sharing together".

Im just fed up now. I feel like he is lovely, absolutely love, but like a weight. I feel so bad saying this but...
Cant take a job opportunity because he wont move
Cant buy a house because he womt help me buy one but wants in anyway
Latest bombshell is he has decided he refuses to get the vaccine. I said "so you realise potentially this could mean we never get to travel anywhere new together, right?" he said yep. I said "imagine a future where you HAD to get the vaccine to go to the pub or restaurant together. It would be crap for us. Would you still not get it for our relationship?" and he said "sorry, no".

I feel like we never go anywhere or do anything anyway unless I push him. I'm just fed up. But is it stupid to break up with someone I love, someone who is so kind, when I'm 36? And was it selfish of me to not have given him a percentage of the house? I'm so confused about what I should do. I'm fed up and frustrated and bored and I also love him. Please help.me see clearly MN

He's the one being selfish, not you. Ask yourself if you want to spend the next few decades jumping through hoops.

He doesn't sound kind to.me at all. He is refusing to do things that will.make your life/lives better and easier.

Relationships are about compromise on both the small and big things, he's not doing this. How are you being selfish when you asked him to sort his finances in order to buy a property, he didn't then wants to ride on your coat tails once you have got a mortgage and done all the work? Obviously it's his choice if he gets vaccinated but if it is restricting your life then to me, it seems that again he isn't compromising and you want different things. You want to travel and have a social life, he is happy to sit at home. I think you have a deal breaker situation.

You are not compatible

He's a loser. Obviously gets it from his mother. His sister is as bad.
He is not nice at all.
Bin him.
He's holding you back on purpose.

You're dancing to his tune

I can see why you're fed up, frustrated and bored but can you tell us some of his good points?

He isn’t kind, he’s a controlling and manipulative git. He gets to what he wants ie work less (lazy) while controlling where you live and stopping you progressing/getting a new job. Which bit of him is lovely?

He’s the selfish one
He didn’t compromise
He resorted to emotional blackmail over the house
Unless you love him enough to ignore it while he limits your life and future I’d honestly move on alone.

You say "DP" so assuming you're not married. If you can afford the house on your own, buy it. You're not married and don't have children, you can choose to do with your money as you please.
Would you consider a joint mortgage if he could afford it or do you want something that's just yours ?

You’re growing apart. It’s sad, but natural and sounds like you’ll be happier on your own in your own place. He might follow, but you sound like you need to move on.

So, just to clarify - does he think he can just give you 20% of the deposit, not go on the mortgage but own 20% of the house anyway??

Your question isn't really your question.

Of course you should split up with someone whose values and attitude irk you.

If he had the 20% deposit then you should have let him own 20%. That was selfish of you.

Cant buy a house because he won't help me buy one but wants in anyway

I agree with you on most of it but this confused me.

He might have waited till the last second but I don't understand why you don't try a joint mortgage application to see if it gets approved? And also he offered you something towards the deposit - did he not offer 20%?

All in all for me it feels like a moot point cause if you're not sure about the relationship anymore then buying a house together wouldn't make sense. I'm just a little confused about the specifics of the house purchase issue.

Yeah, you’re just not a good match I don’t think. Is there a reason breaking up at your age is a particular concern? As in, are you hoping to try for children soon, or are you just generally worried about being single in your 30s?

Either way, it doesn’t sound like a relationship that’s going to make you happy in the long term so I think it would be a mistake to continue.

Why are you letting this man, who frankly sounds like a total cocklodger, hold you back in life? Raise your bar! Sounds like a bloody miserable life you will have with him if you stay!

Bin him and buy a house on your own, it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

He a cocklodgers - not because he earns less but attitude

I think I’d have gone at the job to be honest. You can clearly afford a home on your own. Buy a house and leave him in his little bubble. The vaccine thing is just the final nail in the coffin. You are clearly not on the same page long term

He sounds like he thinks you and the rest of the world owe him an easy ride.

If he wants to be a homeowner (even partially) he can get off his arse and work full time for it.

@Curiosity101 given his credit history I assume that the op does not want a financial association with him and I don’t blame her

Tbh he isn't really that great. Anyone can do cleaning and laundry. With him only working 20 hrs per week he has plenty of time to do this. Is there a reason he only works 20 hours?

Does he pay rent/mortgage?

If he can't sort out his credit rating then you are going to come up against problems in the future. An ex of mine got me black listed years ago, it took 5 years and a solicitor to sort it out, I couldn't even get a washing machine on finance!!

Giving you some money towards the deposit for a percentage of the house will only cause problems if you split and decide to sell, you did the right thing. Alot of couples when buying a house, one will put down more, but it's usually evened out in other ways. It sounds like you foot the bill for most things?

With regards to the vaccine, well personally I don't understand why people don't get it but if they have genuine reasons then I'm willing to listen. However, we've booked USA for next year and we've already been asked for a copy of our vaccine cert, we all received a certificate here in Ireland. Plus our pubs and restaurants are opening back up next week, hopefully after 18 months closed for indoor dining and we have to show our certificates which will be scanned so even if you wanted to come to little aul ireland you'll be stuck trying to get into places.

I think if it were me, I'd have to ask him what his future plans are. Where he sees himself in a few years. He's 40? He should be well sorted by now. He should be doing everything possible to make plans for your future together, if he wants to be the exact same as now, then only you can decide if this is what you want.

He's holding you back, not just on the career front but also getting on the property ladder.
Dump him, get promoted and buy a house.
You can do so much better than this.

Personally I would have taken the job and run....he sounds like he is having a great time, 20hrs a week, does a bit of cleaning and you fund your life style. I am not surprised he is doing his bit round the house as if he didnt he would lose his money pit. He is a taker ...

You don't seem compatible and he sounds like a lazy and quite boring stick in the mud. I would get out before he drags you down with him.

If you were my sister/friend, I’d be giving you a shake.

He’s in debt but chooses to work part-time.
You’re hugely subsidising his living costs.
He’s controlling where you live and work.
He’s controlling how you spend your money.
He’s demanding equity in your property.

He’s not a good guy, he’s practically a con-man.