Was I selfish and mean?

[Jasmeen]

I have a lovely DP who I have been with for 5 years, not married and no kids. He is a very sweet personality, calm and gentle and always there to listen and support me. Compared.to some of the men o read about on here hes an absolute gem. He does all the cleaning laundry and DIY, while I do the cooking and "life admin".

Things have been a little tricky between us lately. I had to turn down a job opportunity I was offered somewhere pretty exciting because he wanted to stay in the same place he has always lived. Then came what I will call Housegate.

Basically I earn a lot more than him because I work in a specialist area and work long hours while he chooses to only work 20 hours a week. What we contribute to the household reflects the difference.
A year ago I said I wanted to buy a house. Not only is his income low but he also has a shocking credit rating and debt. Did he decide to sort that out? Did he fuck. So I told him that I couldn't wait for him anymore: he is 40 and I am 36, I want to get moving with this. I told him I was going to buy a house alone. All good.

So a year later and i get pre approved and i go to view some houses. I take him with me to see them because he will be living there too and i want him to live somewhere he likes and feels comfortable. We find a house we both love. I make an offer. The offer is accepted. I'm excited. LITERALLY five minutes after, he drops a bomb on me: he wants to own 20% of the house and he will give me some deposit money in exchange. I tell him i dont need any deposit money, i have my own. He gets frustrated and tells me "this doesnt feel like a partnership".

I'm hurt and i pull out of my offer and knock the house idea on the head as I begin to question even staying with him and in this area.
A week later I see his sister and mother who tell me I have been selfish and "a relationship is about sharing together".

Im just fed up now. I feel like he is lovely, absolutely love, but like a weight. I feel so bad saying this but...
Cant take a job opportunity because he wont move
Cant buy a house because he womt help me buy one but wants in anyway
Latest bombshell is he has decided he refuses to get the vaccine. I said "so you realise potentially this could mean we never get to travel anywhere new together, right?" he said yep. I said "imagine a future where you HAD to get the vaccine to go to the pub or restaurant together. It would be crap for us. Would you still not get it for our relationship?" and he said "sorry, no".

I feel like we never go anywhere or do anything anyway unless I push him. I'm just fed up. But is it stupid to break up with someone I love, someone who is so kind, when I'm 36? And was it selfish of me to not have given him a percentage of the house? I'm so confused about what I should do. I'm fed up and frustrated and bored and I also love him. Please help.me see clearly MN

@VodselForDinner

If you were my sister/friend, I’d be giving you a shake.

He’s in debt but chooses to work part-time.
You’re hugely subsidising his living costs.
He’s controlling where you live and work.
He’s controlling how you spend your money.
He’s demanding equity in your property.

He’s not a good guy, he’s practically a con-man.

This.

@Beancounter1

He is a parasite, a vampire, draining all your energy and money. You will feel 30 years younger when he is out of your life for good.

6? OP is only 36.

She won't have the sense of responsibility to manage a mortgage, let alone hold down a full time job. At 6, I was only interested in my little pony.

Why the hell would you pull out of your dream house because the loser you're with wants something he hasn't earned?

He's not willing to do anything for the relationship but expects you to make all your actions about the relationship.

Cut him loose.

You're incompatible and clearly want different things from life. I'd split up.

You're not compatible OP. I would consider moving on. That aside though, I wouldn't be so concerned about 'never being able to travel anywhere' again because he's not vaccinated. The vaccines only offer protection for a very short period (around 12 months I believe) and the last I checked, only the old and vulnerable are going to be offered boosters. So I wouldn't count on covid passports being around for very long.

Oh god, I feel like staging an intervention and dragging you out of your house!

You seem able to see this very clearly. You don't like the area you live in, so presumably buying there would be for his benefit, not yours. You work twice as hard as he does. You pay for the bulk of things - perhaps double what he pays? He has a lovely lifestyle because of you. He doesn't want to work longer hours yet he has no real reason for this except utter laziness. He's massively in debt. His mum and sister think the sun shines out of him...

Get rid. Go and live a fabulous life somewhere else, somewhere you'd love to live, in a home that's either yours or fairly shared with someone lovely.

Enjoy your vacation and that salon appointment!

You are sensible and rational. He is a spoilt manchild. He's taking life easy, living his best life and being nice to you because he's getting away with it all. Yes, he does stuff around the house - maybe he enjoys it, who knows! - but that's not the be all and end all of a relationship, and it sounds like there are too many problems here to make it work long term without some serious resentment setting in.

I don't see it working out - you want different things. He can't be arsed to pull his finger out to do things outside of his comfort zone, and you want more from life than that.

Bit of a nuisance, but honestly? I'd drop this one and go it alone.

id get rid of him and just buy the house on my own , when he says he feels its not an equal relationship hes not bloody wrong there is he ? poor soul just cant see the irony in his words , your the one doing all the sacrificing and stuff to make things better whilst he dosent want to do anything at all
of course he wants to have a stake in the house ,so i suspect he can put in a nice claim for it if you split up once its bought , otherwise he knows you can just ask him to leave if not .

it sounds like hes just happy floating along whilst you want more , as others have said your not compatable . hes lovely at the minute , but i have a feeling he wouldnt be if you had a lot of shared finances /property together and you split as hed be looking for as much out of it even though he contributed so much less

Buy a dildo and take the job
He’s a loser

He will fuck up your mortgage application because of his debts and low wage so you might not be able to get house anyway (sorry if this has already been mentioned, I haven't read the whole thread)

Buy the house you want. Lose the partner. Sounds like he just wanted in on all your hard work.

I don't understand why he pays less on bills because he earns less, by choice?

If he worked hard 40 hours a week or looked after kids, then yes. He chooses where you lives, how much it costs and doesn't pay?
Fuck off.

Also who cares how old you are if you don't want kids? 36 is very young to be saddled with someone who will drag you down. Can you handle this shit for 36 more years???

I think your tired as he drains all your energy. You need a boost.
He’s a lazy sod. All these free loading men!!!
Mr 20% - I know you will end it with him.
He’s not your problem.
He’s made his life style choices hasn’t he.
Make a change in your life - start with a hair cut - you have so much going for you. Don’t let him drag you down further.m

You are being stilted in your growth so feel old and tired. When you are racing towards exciting new horizons, you’ll be revitalised.

Run, OP, run.

Kind? How? Where? Because he washes his own clothes? Christ... Is that the bar now?
You were offered a fantastic job opportunity and he scuppered it. You found a house you love and could afford by yourself and he scuppered it. You want to live a normal life once Covid restrictions end and he's scuppering that. He isn't kind at all. He's a control freak who has little dick syndrome over a woman earning more than him.

@Shoxfordian

Buy a dildo and take the job He’s a loser

Best advice so far.

@Shoxfordian

Buy a dildo and take the job He’s a loser

@Shoxfordian

Perfect summation.

The French have a saying.

It is better to walk alone than badly accompanied.

I think you didn't want to buy a house with him because you knew the relationship wouldn't last.

It's over OP.

Buy the house for yourself if you love it. I do think if the tables were turned and the woman was the lower earner I'm sure many people would say it's a bit unfair, but I would have done the same as you, and it sounds like he has made no effort to lower his debt etc.

I think he's done you a good turn by dropping this house demand. It's got you to stop and reflect and you are starting to see the reality of this relationship.
You feel old and tired because you are on the wrong path.
Decide what you want to do, where you want to live and go for it!
You are only young, you will soon feel alive, energetic and youthful again. I hope this 3 weeks away gives you the space to get some mental clarity and strength to follow your dreams.