Was I selfish and mean?

[Jasmeen]

I have a lovely DP who I have been with for 5 years, not married and no kids. He is a very sweet personality, calm and gentle and always there to listen and support me. Compared.to some of the men o read about on here hes an absolute gem. He does all the cleaning laundry and DIY, while I do the cooking and "life admin".

Things have been a little tricky between us lately. I had to turn down a job opportunity I was offered somewhere pretty exciting because he wanted to stay in the same place he has always lived. Then came what I will call Housegate.

Basically I earn a lot more than him because I work in a specialist area and work long hours while he chooses to only work 20 hours a week. What we contribute to the household reflects the difference.
A year ago I said I wanted to buy a house. Not only is his income low but he also has a shocking credit rating and debt. Did he decide to sort that out? Did he fuck. So I told him that I couldn't wait for him anymore: he is 40 and I am 36, I want to get moving with this. I told him I was going to buy a house alone. All good.

So a year later and i get pre approved and i go to view some houses. I take him with me to see them because he will be living there too and i want him to live somewhere he likes and feels comfortable. We find a house we both love. I make an offer. The offer is accepted. I'm excited. LITERALLY five minutes after, he drops a bomb on me: he wants to own 20% of the house and he will give me some deposit money in exchange. I tell him i dont need any deposit money, i have my own. He gets frustrated and tells me "this doesnt feel like a partnership".

I'm hurt and i pull out of my offer and knock the house idea on the head as I begin to question even staying with him and in this area.
A week later I see his sister and mother who tell me I have been selfish and "a relationship is about sharing together".

Im just fed up now. I feel like he is lovely, absolutely love, but like a weight. I feel so bad saying this but...
Cant take a job opportunity because he wont move
Cant buy a house because he womt help me buy one but wants in anyway
Latest bombshell is he has decided he refuses to get the vaccine. I said "so you realise potentially this could mean we never get to travel anywhere new together, right?" he said yep. I said "imagine a future where you HAD to get the vaccine to go to the pub or restaurant together. It would be crap for us. Would you still not get it for our relationship?" and he said "sorry, no".

I feel like we never go anywhere or do anything anyway unless I push him. I'm just fed up. But is it stupid to break up with someone I love, someone who is so kind, when I'm 36? And was it selfish of me to not have given him a percentage of the house? I'm so confused about what I should do. I'm fed up and frustrated and bored and I also love him. Please help.me see clearly MN

Time for you to move on. New job, new house, new opportunities and no dead weight

I'm not sure. I think you are undervaluing him doing all thr housework bar cooking - that is a big amount of work I would say and goes some way to balance the difference in your incomes and work hours.

Part of a committed long term relationship for me is sharing what you have. So our house is shared although at the time we bought I paid the deposit and the mortgage was agreed on my salary alone. But I had that salary because dp supported me financially while I trained for the role, and there have been other times where he was much the higher earner. But our set up is that whatever we have is family money.

I can see why living in a house he has no ownership of leaves him very financially vulnerable, and I can't imagine wanting to do that to a partner who I love. But I suppose I can't imagine loving someone who wasn't also committed to financially supporting our family via work (though housework is work and has a value).

Did you explain to his mother and his sister that he has a crap credit rating, debt and only works 20 hours a week? Its not compatible with buying a house

@Curiosity101, OP originally suggested a joint mortgage, but DP didn't do anything to improve his poor credit and debt situation, so it's unlikely they'd get one.

Time to take the other job

The question you need to ask you is why do you think that having someone who loves you means you have to stay with them.

That is the very lowest requirement in a partner but you also need them to show that love by action h in ways that prioritise you. Your partner has already failed at this. They should also be someone you are impressed with, literally you should be proud of them. Not their job or earnings but them as a whole. Yours sounds hard to like never mind to be impressed with. And he wants 20% of a house he can’t afford and would never qualify to have a mortgage on. I bet he does! Great life, he chooses to only work part time but still gets a home bought by you.

Do you want kids? IVF rather than with this dud. Seriously a good partner would ahbe wanted you to have the job ans would have sorted out his credit rating. Why do you cook every night when he only works part time. Who gets the most leisure time? Not you is it? He doesn’t care though, like the job and the holidays.

You need to have a higher standard - your partner should be better.

@FetchezLaVache At this point, that's an assumption though. All credit products are assessed on different criteria, you could be rejected for a CC/Loan but approved for a mortgage for example. So unless the OP has applied for a mortgage with their DP and been rejected then there's no reason to assume, based on what's been said, that they couldn't buy together.

Am amazed I just read son got all the housework should buy him a pass - most if us fit that in around full time jobs and kids without too much fuss!

I mean people as well, not just women. Honestly OP he doesn’t value you enough.

My Dh is very limited in what he can do at the moment so I do everything, I work full time too and have kids at primary as well as older. He balances this by arranging life so he is has support for certain periods so I can go away, he sends me on mini breaks, supports my active social life and pushes me to never say no because I feel like I need to get back or to get something done at home. Even when ill he is funny and a good parent and partner.

@VodselForDinner

If you were my sister/friend, I’d be giving you a shake.

He’s in debt but chooses to work part-time.
You’re hugely subsidising his living costs.
He’s controlling where you live and work.
He’s controlling how you spend your money.
He’s demanding equity in your property.

He’s not a good guy, he’s practically a con-man.

Exactly.

Would you consider a joint mortgage if he could afford it?

Definitely don't consider that, or letting him be financially involved in your house purchase at all.

He's a complete chancer.

He didnt do what he needs to do. He is not interested in compromise or making any effort to help you. It is all about him. Of course his family will agree with him, but they are all completely wrong. He is being massively selfish, but seems to feel this is just his due.

Gosh OP. He doesn't sound very lovely at all

Only you can decide whether being with him is preferable to going it alone. In your place I would have taken the job, bought my own place and. It looked back

He sounds the opposite of kind.

He sounds selfish, boorish, uncompromising, self-interested, and views you accordingly.

Don’t let him hold you back.

I think you are undervaluing him doing all thr housework bar cooking - that is a big amount of work I would say and goes some way to balance the difference in your incomes and work hours

He’s under-employee by at least 15 hours a week. Cleaning for two people is not the equivalent.

In my house, there’s me, my husband, and two pets. Cleaning takes nowhere near 15 hours.
A house with a clan of young kids will take longer, but that’s not the case here.

Cleaning, cooking, life admin, repairs etc probably takes 15 hours a week, but that’s adult life. We both do it on top of stressful jobs with long hours.

He will have a claim to your house after a few years in any case?
I don’t think YABU but it does sound like he’s holding you back . If I was your mum I’d be hoping you cut him loose.

Thank you for your replies I didnt expect it to be heavily weighted to one side. Sorry if I miss out any questions but will try and answer. Yes currently I pay our rent which is £1000 and he pays our bills and food shop.

The reason I wasnt happy with taking 20% deposit and giving him 20% was

1. I dont want to be financially associated with him if he has bad debt, we already had a joint account to start with that somehow ended up massively overdrawn when none of my personal accounts ever are (that's closed now)
2. Maybe this is mean and non committal of me but as we arent married I wanted to be able to sell up and move on with no hassle if the relationship didnt work
3. Not rational but...I just didnt want to out of anger. It feels like he has a lot his own way aka our rent is so expensive because he had specific demands for the house so I just thought why should I, basically. Plus this past year I have worked like a DOG to save up more and have my accounts pristine so I could get my mortgage. The petty side of me thought maybe I could have just "chilled" this past year too and hoped somebody would cut me in on a house.

I dont want kids. But I've been in this relationship for 5 years and I dont know, I feel old and tired even though I know I'm not really very old at 36. I feel like I dont know who I am anymore.

He has a lot of good points. If you needed him to do something, say you needed picking up an hour away, he would get in the car and drive without a second thought. Hes very patient. I can get stressed with work and a bit snappy sometimes, he takes stuff in his stride. On the other hand though if ever I want to raise a problem he will shut down and not talk to me for two or three days so i can never really vocalise much it feels like.

I'm oissed off he said "it doesnt feel like a partnership". He said if he didnt also own it it woukdnt feel like his home. I said but now we rent, and it feels like your home? He said it was different and I sort of see his point. But he had always told me that marriage was just a piece of paper which is why we never have married. I told him wasnt a mortgage just a piece of paper too?

Easy for his mum to say a relationship is about sharing, when her son is living a subsidised life!

When you say "some money" in exchange for 20% of the house, is that 20% of the deposit and mortgage, or a few bob?

Well if you're mean and selfish, so am I because I wouldn't accept this either. He's allowed to live his life with no get up and go, or to be foolish about the vaccine, but you don't have to share that life with him.

@MissMoiselle

You say "DP" so assuming you're not married. If you can afford the house on your own, buy it. You're not married and don't have children, you can choose to do with your money as you please. Would you consider a joint mortgage if he could afford it or do you want something that's just yours ?

It is literally in the very first sentence??

You should have proceeded with the house. You chose not to.

I would not let him leech off of me like this. He didn't take the steps to sort his finances, so he cannot now say you are being unfair. He can always grow up and buy his own house.

Being in a partnership does not mean being a doormat.

so marriage is a piece of paper but a house isnt. Although TBH in your position I wouldnt be marrying him anyway. He would walk away with half your assets and your pension so stay as partners. Time for you to tell him that your not handing over 20% and if he wants a share he can increase his working hours, improve his credit rating and then he can get a share

He doesn’t talk to you for a few days if you have a bit of a row. He doesn’t pull his weight in the house.
Yea he may pick you up an hour away at short notice but that doesn’t make up for the other stuff he is doing to you.

A week later I see his sister and mother who tell me I have been selfish and "a relationship is about sharing together

But it works both ways. He decided not to increase his income to help buy the house, or be involved in it until you were about to put down the money for one and then he's wanting 20% ownership of it!

Do you love him, or love the being in a relationship? The fact he is now saying he won't get vaccinated even if that means potentially you can't do things together, says to me he's not bothered about doing anything with you.

Personally, I would leave him, and then buy the house you found on your own. Or even, see if there is a job vacancy at the place you wanted to move to and buy there. You can already afford to do so. Then live your life in a way that makes you happy.

I left someone like this, after 3 years. It was starting to feel as though he was dragging me down with his lack of energy and drive.

And he wasn’t selfish like your partner. Deciding not to have the vaccine is selfish.

Raise your bar.