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Original poster

Was I selfish and mean?

288 replies

Jasmeen · 18/07/2021 14:12

I have a lovely DP who I have been with for 5 years, not married and no kids. He is a very sweet personality, calm and gentle and always there to listen and support me. Compared.to some of the men o read about on here hes an absolute gem. He does all the cleaning laundry and DIY, while I do the cooking and "life admin".

Things have been a little tricky between us lately. I had to turn down a job opportunity I was offered somewhere pretty exciting because he wanted to stay in the same place he has always lived. Then came what I will call Housegate.

Basically I earn a lot more than him because I work in a specialist area and work long hours while he chooses to only work 20 hours a week. What we contribute to the household reflects the difference.
A year ago I said I wanted to buy a house. Not only is his income low but he also has a shocking credit rating and debt. Did he decide to sort that out? Did he fuck. So I told him that I couldn't wait for him anymore: he is 40 and I am 36, I want to get moving with this. I told him I was going to buy a house alone. All good.

So a year later and i get pre approved and i go to view some houses. I take him with me to see them because he will be living there too and i want him to live somewhere he likes and feels comfortable. We find a house we both love. I make an offer. The offer is accepted. I'm excited. LITERALLY five minutes after, he drops a bomb on me: he wants to own 20% of the house and he will give me some deposit money in exchange. I tell him i dont need any deposit money, i have my own. He gets frustrated and tells me "this doesnt feel like a partnership".

I'm hurt and i pull out of my offer and knock the house idea on the head as I begin to question even staying with him and in this area.
A week later I see his sister and mother who tell me I have been selfish and "a relationship is about sharing together".

Im just fed up now. I feel like he is lovely, absolutely love, but like a weight. I feel so bad saying this but...
Cant take a job opportunity because he wont move
Cant buy a house because he womt help me buy one but wants in anyway
Latest bombshell is he has decided he refuses to get the vaccine. I said "so you realise potentially this could mean we never get to travel anywhere new together, right?" he said yep. I said "imagine a future where you HAD to get the vaccine to go to the pub or restaurant together. It would be crap for us. Would you still not get it for our relationship?" and he said "sorry, no".

I feel like we never go anywhere or do anything anyway unless I push him. I'm just fed up. But is it stupid to break up with someone I love, someone who is so kind, when I'm 36? And was it selfish of me to not have given him a percentage of the house? I'm so confused about what I should do. I'm fed up and frustrated and bored and I also love him. Please help.me see clearly MN

OP posts:
ihtwsf · 18/07/2021 15:52

You've got a cocklodger by stealth there.
Where was he living before you moved in together? Was he "choosing" to work only 20 hours a week then or was he actually working full time? Or was he living with family?
Could be like my cocklodging ex who worked until he moved in with me and then started doing the absolutely minimum and contributing a bit towards bills and food.

Where has the deposit money suddenly come from? Does he plan on paying 20% of the mortgage? Or does he want to pay in 20% deposit, not pay towards the mortgage and then claim 20% of the value of the house should you split up and need to sell?
I absolutely would not buy a house with him in any way at all.

You are not selfish and mean. If he truly saw this as a partnership and wasn't a cocklodging waster he'd be doing everything he could to get out of debt and buy 50:50 with you.

You are just not financially compatible at all and I don't think he's as "lovely" as you think he is. He's "lovely" (just like my previous two exes) when he thinks he needs to keep you sweet so that he continues to get his housing, nutritional and sexual needs met.....

WinterSunglasses · 18/07/2021 15:52

If you needed him to do something, say you needed picking up an hour away, he would get in the car and drive without a second thought. Hes very patient. I can get stressed with work and a bit snappy sometimes, he takes stuff in his stride.

It's easier to stay calm and to offer to run around doing errands when you work fewer hours and have less to do and less stress to handle!

I also don't like the 20% plan. Did he plan to keep covering 20% of the mortgage payments, or was this the thin end of the wedge where for his contribution, he'd haveexpected full consultation over everything and a veto over anything he didn't like?

WhatMattersMost · 18/07/2021 15:54

OP, you are simply not compatible. When a poster, like you, stacks up all the good things about their partner at the beginning of their post, and says that s/he is not like all the other bad partners people complain about, then I absolutely know that's simply not going to be true.

This is a sad and common story: you are trying to make your partner something he is not, you are spinning yourself a story that "this isn't like all the others", and you are living in hope ... all the while that your body is TELLING you that you are compromising your wellbeing into non-existence.

CastawayQueen · 18/07/2021 15:56

Also fo add stepping up when your partner needs you to do things and not getting stroppy is not something magical your DP is doinf amazing it’s the bloody absolute minimum

Original poster
Jasmeen · 18/07/2021 15:57

@ihtwsf
He was on the dole when I met him.......

In fairness to him he wanted to pay 20% of the deposit and then half the mortgage payments.

Still what it comes down to is that we arent compatible and this is dragging me down. Thank you for your posts because they've been so thoughtful and insightful. Times like this MN is a really supportive place 💐

Deep down, I know I need to do this.

OP posts:
CasualCucumer · 18/07/2021 15:59

You "feel ancient & heavy"

Because you have him, who can only be bothered to work 20 hours round your neck

Drop him - the heavy weight

Buy the house
Change to new job
Get your freedom

ihtwsf · 18/07/2021 16:00

The vaccine is an issue separate from the other issues.
What is his reasoning behind not wanting it?

I don't see a future where the vaccine will be needed for travel and restaurants/pubs. Short term - yes, probably - but most likely the option will be test OR vaccine.
I'm in a country where we have to produce a vaccine, test or recovery certificate to go to pubs, restaurants etc and to re-enter the country if we have left. Neighbouring countries will allow us in without any of that and in those countries we can also eat out without one. But even here were it is very strict it's vaccine OR test OR proof of recovery.

I can see why you are upset about this. You feel he doesn't value your relationship enough to get the vaccine - just a couple of little jabs in the arm. But on the other hand he feels that you don't value him and the relationship with him enough to respect the fact he does not wish to have it.

I think it hints at fundamental incompatibility but I'd want to know what his actual reasons are for not wanting it. Conspiracy theories along the lines of microchips and gene modification, he'd be out the door as far as I'm concerned....
It might be needle phobia.... there have been studies done showing that a significant proportion of the vaccine refusers/vaccine sceptics are actually needle phobics who can't admit to needle phobia because it might be seen as "stupid" and "shameful".
I'm saying this because I'm needle phobic..... I had my one-dose COVID vaccine this week. It took a long time to build up the courage to get it.

I think you need to find out his reasons for refusing the vaccine.
But I think that you are financially incompatible, as I posted in a previous post, which makes this "minor" vaccine issue irrelevant really.

Feedingthebirds1 · 18/07/2021 16:01

In fairness to him he wanted to pay 20% of the deposit and then half the mortgage payments.

I can't help thinking - with what, exactly?

HTH1 · 18/07/2021 16:02

OP, I think you have answered your own question. You don’t see a long term future with him and (understandably) don’t want to have any financial ties to him.

Buy a house where you actually want to live, not factoring him in, and move on Flowers

Marty13 · 18/07/2021 16:04

Hey OP. No wonder he says it doesn't feel like a partnership. It's not. It's not because he won't pull his weight financially. I'd leave him and buy a house in an area where you actually want to live. Sorry, I know it's hard to leave a relationship where you've invested 5 years of your life, but if you stay when it's not working then it becomes a sunken cost fallacy.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/07/2021 16:05

Deep down I know this just isnt going to work

You're very wise, OP; so many kid themselves that it's "just a blip/he didn't mean it/whatever" when what they've got themselves is a loser who's just going to go on dragging them down (and how dare he drain the joint account and expect a share of the house when he's contributed so little?)

Rather than feeling worse when you get rid of this manchild, you'll probably find you actually feel better and that the heaviness will lift - in fact you may well wonder why you didn't do it before

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/07/2021 16:06

So 20% deposit and half mortgage seems fai

As long as when /if split up and sell he gets his 20 back so gets 1/5th of house and you get 4/5ths

Belliphat · 18/07/2021 16:06

That old feeling will go as you fill your life with dancing, new hair, new books, new job, new hobbies.

Original poster
Jasmeen · 18/07/2021 16:09

@Belliphat

I HAVE been craving new hair as a matter of fact. I'm on holiday for 3 weeks now with family and will do what I need to do when I get back home but I might get a head start on that and return home with the very short hair I've been considering 😁

OP posts:
Wheretobuy · 18/07/2021 16:11

So how is he nice again?

Youdiditanyway · 18/07/2021 16:12

If he wants to also own the house he needs to fix his credit score, clear his existing debt and hopefully earn more by working more hours. Then you can both be on the mortgage together and it won’t just be your house. If he isn’t willing to do this, he can’t co-own the house. I get his point about wanting to pay some of the deposit and I’d take him up on this offer if he also goes on the mortgage when he’s fixed his credit score.

Some people are homebodies and don’t want to move cities. It is a big upheaval, I did it 3 years ago and still don’t feel fully settled in here so I don’t think it’s fair to come down hard on him for that personally. He is being unreasonable with the rest of it though, he needs to sort his finances out.

ihtwsf · 18/07/2021 16:13

I HAVE been craving new hair as a matter of fact. I'm on holiday for 3 weeks now with family and will do what I need to do when I get back home but I might get a head start on that and return home with the very short hair I've been considering

Do it! And when you get back kick his cocklodging backside out.
You deserve better than this and he's holding you back.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 18/07/2021 16:14

Why do all these posts start " I have a lovely DP" when they are always utter knobs?

He's a selfish,greedy lazy twat. He's too old to be acting like a teenager. Get rid. Move into your own house.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/07/2021 16:14

I’d have ditched him long ago as a work ethic is important to me and twenty hours is barely anything. I certainly wouldn’t be putting him on the deeds or mortgage nor curtailing my job options around him.

ShirleyDab · 18/07/2021 16:16

So he wants to own 20% of your house? He's not daft is he.

sopsmum · 18/07/2021 16:18

Cocklodger. I'm married to one and would suggest that you give him a wide berth. Mine is currently asleep upstairs having done fuck all for any of our children all day. He's got an easy life though, doesn't pay the mortgage or any bills but has endless money to spend on himself and fun stuff (so the kids think he's epic, when he's awake that is.). Meanwhile I'm the only adult in the house. Mines is on the house deeds. Don't be me.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 18/07/2021 16:20

You're not feeling good while you're with this guy - regardless of the house or the job.
That's the important thing so you really need out.

Get looking for jobs elsewhere, then go.

sopsmum · 18/07/2021 16:22

Also,
Mine was sweet and gentle and thoughtful before we had kids. He doesn't want any responsibility in life. Not working hard, getting into debt, these are all qualities that will leave you pulling away from each other not coming together unless you are basically happy to take full responsibility for him, like a child.

Belliphat · 18/07/2021 16:26

Do the hair - the hair is definitely a good move:)

silverbubbles · 18/07/2021 16:27

You made the right call regards the house. You have saved your self an awful lot of stress and nonsense.
You made the wrong call re: the job. He should have supported you on this.
His lack of ambition is starting to get you down and this will only get worse.
Doesn't sounds like he is worth it really.