Was I selfish and mean?

[Jasmeen]

I have a lovely DP who I have been with for 5 years, not married and no kids. He is a very sweet personality, calm and gentle and always there to listen and support me. Compared.to some of the men o read about on here hes an absolute gem. He does all the cleaning laundry and DIY, while I do the cooking and "life admin".

Things have been a little tricky between us lately. I had to turn down a job opportunity I was offered somewhere pretty exciting because he wanted to stay in the same place he has always lived. Then came what I will call Housegate.

Basically I earn a lot more than him because I work in a specialist area and work long hours while he chooses to only work 20 hours a week. What we contribute to the household reflects the difference.
A year ago I said I wanted to buy a house. Not only is his income low but he also has a shocking credit rating and debt. Did he decide to sort that out? Did he fuck. So I told him that I couldn't wait for him anymore: he is 40 and I am 36, I want to get moving with this. I told him I was going to buy a house alone. All good.

So a year later and i get pre approved and i go to view some houses. I take him with me to see them because he will be living there too and i want him to live somewhere he likes and feels comfortable. We find a house we both love. I make an offer. The offer is accepted. I'm excited. LITERALLY five minutes after, he drops a bomb on me: he wants to own 20% of the house and he will give me some deposit money in exchange. I tell him i dont need any deposit money, i have my own. He gets frustrated and tells me "this doesnt feel like a partnership".

I'm hurt and i pull out of my offer and knock the house idea on the head as I begin to question even staying with him and in this area.
A week later I see his sister and mother who tell me I have been selfish and "a relationship is about sharing together".

Im just fed up now. I feel like he is lovely, absolutely love, but like a weight. I feel so bad saying this but...
Cant take a job opportunity because he wont move
Cant buy a house because he womt help me buy one but wants in anyway
Latest bombshell is he has decided he refuses to get the vaccine. I said "so you realise potentially this could mean we never get to travel anywhere new together, right?" he said yep. I said "imagine a future where you HAD to get the vaccine to go to the pub or restaurant together. It would be crap for us. Would you still not get it for our relationship?" and he said "sorry, no".

I feel like we never go anywhere or do anything anyway unless I push him. I'm just fed up. But is it stupid to break up with someone I love, someone who is so kind, when I'm 36? And was it selfish of me to not have given him a percentage of the house? I'm so confused about what I should do. I'm fed up and frustrated and bored and I also love him. Please help.me see clearly MN

You know op

You seem like a pretty well put together lady, your smart have plans know the
Worth of money and your time.

See that dead horse over there why do you continuously go over and flog it?
What the hell is your connection to that dead weight that keeps you in your place ?

Take this millstone from around your neck and give it back to his mum
Then go and live your life where and how you want ..he's damaging you

He's holding you back. Get rid and live your life the way you want to - get that job, buy your house and decorate it to your taste, go on lots of holidays to places you always wanted to see. You don't need a man for any of that. Free yourself from this drain and his interfering family.

Bloody hell. Dump him and buy a house

It is tiring to parent an adult. More tiring than a child, especially when the whole family reinforce his entitlement.

I don't care how affable he is, he is feeding off of your energy. If he wanted to be part of your plans, he would be working equally hard towards your future.

You feel tired and old because you are parenting a 40 year old.

You are only 36. Very young to write your future off, but old enough not to waste anymore time with a cruiser.

No, dump him, get another job, move away, buy a house, find/don't find another relationship, be happy

What about this feeling of being old and tired? Will this go away?

You live in an area you don't like, surrounded by his family, in a house you don't own, having let the job you wanted slip through your fingers, and have been living with doubts about him building for at least a year, plus lockdown and everything with it. Add to that his sulks and now Housegate and his family blaming you. Gosh, no wonder you're feeling stifled and stuck. When you take action and take control of your situation, sort your area, your home and your job then you'll feel so much of that weight lifting and horizons opening up. Sure cuddles at night are nice, but it's really not him making you feel safe - you're the one who brings the security, he's the one jeopardising it and making it more like a trap. I think a lot of women turn a corner as they head towards 40 and with the right decisions we can really step it up and enjoy life more.

The feeling of old and tired comes and goes. It's not terminal! Doing new things, things you love helps...if this is the end then I'd say I deffo felt old and tired and lacklustre at the end of relationships but it wasn't really me...was the situation.

Your dreams and values are not aligned. This will cause problems down the line and you'll come to resent him. Get out while you can.

@Jasmeen

Yeah. To be honest this has been on my mind for about a year now, even before Housegate. I think I posted now reaching the point of acting on those thoughts. I needed reassurance because I was scared I would be making some sort of.horrible mistake but deep down I know this just isnt going to work. The fact that MN is so overwhelmingly on one side sort of validates my feelings. Its difficult because I'm surrounded by his family so sometimes I doubt t myself.

What about this feeling of being old and tired? Will this go away? I feel like im 66 not 36. In fact I see women in their sixties who seem younger than me. I feel.so tired and hollow. I get into bed at night and will snuggle up.to him, we will laugh about something together, and I feel safe and warm, but then I wake up in the morning and I feel ancient and heavy.

If you are feeling ancient and heavy at 36 then clearly something isn't right. You need to address this.

I would start a process of change. Start with the small things like changing your routine to see if that has any effect. Take up something new, especially exercise can help one to change, then move onto jobs, change flats, etc. leaving the relationship until last.

It sounds like you feel you are stuck in a rut. If you feel like this at 36, I'd hate to think how you'll feel when you hit mid 50s and are up against it.

What about this feeling of being old and tired? Will this go away? I feel like im 66 not 36. In fact I see women in their sixties who seem younger than me. I feel.so tired and hollow. I get into bed at night and will snuggle up.to him, we will laugh about something together, and I feel safe and warm, but then I wake up in the morning and I feel ancient and heavy.

Because when the cold light of day dawns, you realise that he's sucking you dry. Of course he can be patient when it suits him, he knows he can't be an arse all the time or you'd kick him out. Of course he can be laid back, he doesn't have any stresses about paying the rent or working 40+ hours a week because you subsidise him.

OP he's living the life of Riley at your expense. And since when did 20% of only the deposit, not the ongoing payments for the mortgage, give you a 20% share in the house? I'm glad you're not buying that one, but it's time to see through him and get rid. And I bet you anything you'll start to feel a damn sight nearer to 36 than 66 when you do. He's weighing you down.

A person can be perfectly nice and lovely but still not be the right match for a relationship. It sounds as though there are some underlying mis-matches between you that will never improve. You like to go out and he likes to sit at home. You want to address issues, he wants to shut down any conversation unless it's about how you are doing him wrong. You like to have clear oversight of your finances and live within your means, he will fritter away all of his money (and, if you let him, your money too). His Mum and sister think you should roll over and let him take advantage of you because if you split up he will probably be looking to them to help him out of his money issues.

Cleaning, laundry and diy, it's something but if you were living alone there would probably be a very minimal amount of cleaning and laundry and there can't be all that much diy needed in a rental place.

The body keeps the score - maybe the tiredness and the 'heaviness' is your body telling you're not happy really. In the moment it's OK but the view of the long term proposition isn't. Some part of you knows that already (though do speak to your gp if you think it's something else!).

What you've described is a relationship where you have made significant compromise: area you live in, more expensive rental, turned down a job you really wanted, pulled out of a house sale you really wanted to go ahead with. And yet you don't get that back.

You will miss the things you love about this man - most people aren't all good or all bad and he has some great qualities. However, they aren't enough. And that's a sad realisation that you probably dip in and out of. I think you're moving towards a hard decision. Be gentle with yourself as you go but know you're taking yourself to a less ancient and heavy place .

So he wanted a 20% share of the house but only paying 20% of the deposit? Cheeky fucker

I make an offer. The offer is accepted. I'm excited. LITERALLY five minutes after, he drops a bomb on me: he wants to own 20% of the house and he will give me some deposit money in exchange. I tell him i dont need any deposit money, i have my own. He gets frustrated and tells me "this doesnt feel like a partnership".
Thing is, you behaved like a partner: you came to him and told him your house goals and frustration, communicated. Kept him involved in the house hunt even while he was a dead weight failing to save with you. He did not act like a partner by dropping this 20% “I want in [after you’ve done all the legwork]” ultimatum on you. It’s super telling that he said this after your offer was accepted, and not earlier in the process when you could have sat down and discussed the best way to approach it, perhaps use his money to pay off debt, etc. He wanted to blindside you in your moment of joy and hope you’d be so excited by the offer acceptance you’d cut him in without thinking about it.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Sometimes it’s right to put yourself first. If it’s a true partnership there is give and take on both sides but hopefully it doesn’t get to that as you work through it together beforehand. Well that’s my theory. Hope you work it out together.

I would but the house tbh and I would discuss ownership later… as his finances are not secure.

Hi OP, it sounds to me like you need a break from all this. It's there any chance of taking the job opportunity that you turned down because he wouldn't move?
I really can't understand a grown man with no commitments who doesn't work full time.

The fundamental of any relationship OP is communication. And the alignment of values/compromise.!
No matter how good blah2 he is the relationship cannot survive any changes if the above isn’t there.
You want a relationship that can weather storms and where you work as a team both in terms of just ‘doing’ things but also your outlook.
He does things around the house etc but he falls short with the big things (new job, buying a house). What happens if you fall ill and can’t work - would he step up?

Always judge a relationship by the worst case scenario not the best . Because it’s the worst cases that make relationships work having

So you can't move away because of him.

You can't buy a house here because of him without letting share it a bit. But not really share it

He won't work full time and sort his money out, even though he knew you wanted to buy together.

Op you are watching your life pass by.

Move to where you wanted to.

You feel tired and old because of the albatross around your neck. He is a 40-year-old man-child who is sucking the very life out of you. Thank God you’re not married; you’d be stuck with him and his family even more. They too are energy leeches.

Somewhat relevant, but I was being bullied for years by a horrible boss at a job I loathed. The day I gave notice was the day the massive weight finally – finally – lifted from my shoulders. I felt like a new person. I imagine it will be the same for you. Please lose the dead weight and move on. Life will be better.

He is a parasite, a vampire, draining all your energy and money.
You will feel 30 years younger when he is out of your life for good.

You're dating a bloody lead weight. Just dump him and enjoy your life. Seriously don't throw your whole life away because he's a nice enough bloke

Also to add OP - I’m sorry but a lot of us higher earning and smart women seem to fall into this trap because we rationalise (he does XYZ, good) and also because we often have low self esteem and think we won’t find another man / can’t be bothered with the effort.

Maybe we will maybe we won’t but someone who sucks us dry is worse than being alone.

What about this feeling of being old and tired? Will this go away?
Hell yes! I thought I was reasonably happy even though I knew my husband was abusing me but now that I am away from him, and the fog has cleared, I can see and more importantly feel the difference. A huge weight has been lifted and quite a few people have commented on how well and different I look

I get into bed at night and will snuggle up.to him, we will laugh about something together, and I feel safe and warm but then I wake up in the morning and I feel ancient and heavy.

It's very difficult to make a change when you feel safe and warm, better the devil you know and all that, but that ancient and heavy feeling will start having a very detrimental effect on your mental or physical health, or both. I would recommend making the changes you need while you still have the strength to do so, before it gets any worse

He’s sucking the life out of you
40 year old man working 20 hours a week being subsidised by you and then still calling the shots about where you live etc

No no no
Dump him
Get that next fab job opportunity somewhere you want to be