Was I selfish and mean?

[Jasmeen]

I have a lovely DP who I have been with for 5 years, not married and no kids. He is a very sweet personality, calm and gentle and always there to listen and support me. Compared.to some of the men o read about on here hes an absolute gem. He does all the cleaning laundry and DIY, while I do the cooking and "life admin".

Things have been a little tricky between us lately. I had to turn down a job opportunity I was offered somewhere pretty exciting because he wanted to stay in the same place he has always lived. Then came what I will call Housegate.

Basically I earn a lot more than him because I work in a specialist area and work long hours while he chooses to only work 20 hours a week. What we contribute to the household reflects the difference.
A year ago I said I wanted to buy a house. Not only is his income low but he also has a shocking credit rating and debt. Did he decide to sort that out? Did he fuck. So I told him that I couldn't wait for him anymore: he is 40 and I am 36, I want to get moving with this. I told him I was going to buy a house alone. All good.

So a year later and i get pre approved and i go to view some houses. I take him with me to see them because he will be living there too and i want him to live somewhere he likes and feels comfortable. We find a house we both love. I make an offer. The offer is accepted. I'm excited. LITERALLY five minutes after, he drops a bomb on me: he wants to own 20% of the house and he will give me some deposit money in exchange. I tell him i dont need any deposit money, i have my own. He gets frustrated and tells me "this doesnt feel like a partnership".

I'm hurt and i pull out of my offer and knock the house idea on the head as I begin to question even staying with him and in this area.
A week later I see his sister and mother who tell me I have been selfish and "a relationship is about sharing together".

Im just fed up now. I feel like he is lovely, absolutely love, but like a weight. I feel so bad saying this but...
Cant take a job opportunity because he wont move
Cant buy a house because he womt help me buy one but wants in anyway
Latest bombshell is he has decided he refuses to get the vaccine. I said "so you realise potentially this could mean we never get to travel anywhere new together, right?" he said yep. I said "imagine a future where you HAD to get the vaccine to go to the pub or restaurant together. It would be crap for us. Would you still not get it for our relationship?" and he said "sorry, no".

I feel like we never go anywhere or do anything anyway unless I push him. I'm just fed up. But is it stupid to break up with someone I love, someone who is so kind, when I'm 36? And was it selfish of me to not have given him a percentage of the house? I'm so confused about what I should do. I'm fed up and frustrated and bored and I also love him. Please help.me see clearly MN

Oh God, those messages!! The thing is, from everything you've said about him, both those things are just quintessentially the kind of thing he does. You have totally outgrown this loser and it's time to be cracking on with life without him and the, er, stability he brings.

What’s your plan around moving op? Finding a job elsewhere and leaving?

You’re not selfish for wanting to own the house in its entirety. He could own his own house also if he really wanted to

So this 'stability' he offered is a life with him reducing his working hours more and more because he can't cope, while not looking at any other alternatives, and wasting time and money on 'projects' with friends that never get anywhere?

It's always nice when people's actions confirm what you were already thinking. Good luck in the better life that is waiting for you.

It's great that you've got your head screwed on, OP! I can only add to the chorus of leave him, he's holding you back and dragging you down. With your drive you can do and be anything!

Good luck!!!

@Saltyslug

Last week I got back in touch with the people who offered me that great opportunity. They have bases in several places, all of them great places and the woman replied back to me very quickly saying that posting in that specific place was now filled but that they would love me on board, so I feel hopeful. My current job is great because I only need to be in London once a week which gives me lots of scope.

Having talked it through with my friends and family I will now be looking to sign for a new place of my own somewhere different starting 1st October. I dont want to hold 9ut for a potential opening with the people who liked me because I could spend my whole life waiting, if something comes up with them soonish then that's great I will cross that bridge when i come to it. I'm just a bit nervous about telling him. I think I would prefer to hold out as long as possible before telling him as he will create a horrible atmosphere and that means I might end up having a few months of overlapping rent which is annoying (the tenancy is in both our names because originally we paid the rent together which now, obviously, is incredibly annoying), and I also HATE the idea that I have to basically lie to him and pretend all is good - but my aunt said this is partly what savings are for and that she thinks it's better for me to minimise the fallout and emotional mess as far as possible. She said I have been quite selfless as far as she can see so far and that now I have to ve selfish, and if that means not being totally transparent with him then so be it. It feels awful though.

I'm so nervous 😔

He keeps sending me photos of my cat and the plants he has brought back to life and stuff hes doing around the house and I feel like a fucking liar.
I'm starting to well up a little bit now. I'm imagining laughing with him and having breakfast and thinking I'm 36 years old and I'm about to walk away from a fundamentally nice albeit financially irresponsible and inflexible man, and I look so old and feel tired and broken. I dont know what happened, I used to feel really pretty and free and now I feel middle aged and washed up and I'm about to just fuck everything off and start ALL OVER again. I dont own anything, it feels like everyone else is streets ahead with kids and owning a home and in their long standing relationships or married and I'm just about to revert back to being a 20 something except with crows feet around my eyes and a fair bit of grey on me, and this weight on my heart.

I just feel like a totally different person to who I was before I met him, and I dont like this person, and I'm scared I cant find my way back to who I was. Sorry for offloading. I'm getting off the train now to stay with another good friend. I guess my saving grace is over the years I have made and kept a lot of very good friends who will see me through. Thank you all for listening. It's really useful to hear thoughts from people who dont know me x

I'm 36 years old and I'm about to walk away from a fundamentally nice albeit financially irresponsible and inflexible man, and I look so old and feel tired and broken.

OP I've been there. I can remember once my sister came around, and saw how my BF was when he came home from work, and how I was turning somersaults trying to rev him up, cheer him up, and look after him, while he drooped all over the kitchen.

She said to me afterwards, "Is he always like that? Aren't you exhausted?"

I'd never thought about it like that. But I left him (and his 30 a day cigarette habit) and was so much healthier and happier.

OP,
36 is nothing, absolutely nothing in the scale of things, but you have spent a LOT of time with a waster.

It would be most worthwhile exploring why.

I think some therapy would be invaluable to find out why some women wouldn't tolerate a waster for 5 minutes, and you have given him years.

Knowledge is power.

Knowing why will arm you better for your future.

You clearly are an intelligent, bright, interesting woman, so finding out why will be invaluable.

I think you have a wonderful future ahead of you, once you are open to it and prepared to be clear in what you want from a partner going forward.

Remember 36 is nothing.

He doesn't sound like a good partner to me - he sounds selfish and unmotivated, lazy. I'd be so annoyed at the latest message about him reducing his hours further. I'm motivated and ambitious (and successful) at work, and wouldn't want to be with anyone who wasn't.

And I think you feel old and tired because he's a dead weight that you're dragging along too.

I think you're right to be thinking of moving on. I feel sad for you that you turned down the job you wanted. But maybe Housegate was a good thing because it's made you realise that you do need to move away from that town and that man.

OP you are only 36 .. you can do this.. you will be okay 🌸

You are 36 - that is young.
Plenty of time. Plus, now you know what is not good for you.
He is reducing his hours - he did this knowing he can gas light you into staying with him due to your childhood issues - what a dick.
If you could afford to leave now paying half the rent to the landlords directly - I would.

Age is just a number. You can feel full of zest for life at any age but you can feel worn out and disinterested at any age. Sit down and make a list of the things you hate about your present life and refer to it when ever you are unsure about the next step. Then write a second list of what your ideal life would consist of and keep that in the forefront of your mind when making choices

Don't worry too much about whether you're doing the right thing. At the moment your life and relationship isn't terrible, but if you stay with him what you have now is the best that it will ever be. It might stay the same, it might get worse, but it will never get better. If you split up then you will definitely have days or weeks that are a bit worse than now, lonely or sad, but you will have a huge potential for improvement, potential for a completely different life that you choose for yourself. Change can be challenging, but without change you would be living this same life for another 40 years or so.

I'll give you an analogy. I have bad shoulders from injury and stiff hips from a career in front of a computer. If I don't do anything about it I can't reach the top in the supermarket at all, or the bottom shelf without pain. I could live my life only buying things from the middle shelves but instead I go to a personal trainer to improve my flexibility. When I'm at the gym I would rather be anywhere else, I really dislike it and I know that I could be sitting on my sofa instead. But I suffer for a short period in order to buy the full range at the supermarket and not be limited. Don't let your life be limited!

Be kind to yourself when you make changes, don't constantly doubt your choices. Don't let your ex's voice take up residence in your head, because he's going to say anything to avoid losing his free ride.

@Jasmeen I'm sorry this is so hard. If you need to stay quiet to get your ducks in a row, I think that's fine but personally if you can afford it I'd deal with the overlapping rent and get a clean break. That's 3 months of your life. I'm quite sure you'll find you feel less old and tired when you're not carrying around the weight of frustration and immense financial responsibility for a partner who doesn't value you enough to lighten the load!

It's always horrible breaking up but things will look incredibly different with hindsight, I promise! It's just hard to imagine your new and fabulous sparkly life without actually living it.

Also the job stuff sounds so exciting, I will I were in that much demand!!! Have you zoned in on a city? Because I'd probably do that (as long as it has sufficient London links for 1 day/week) then start putting feelers out whilst you put down roots somewhere you actually like living in!

*I wisj

Honey, you are young! And fabulous. Don't waste any more time on this man-child.

I literally keep reading your Original post in utter shock at Him and His family... You my lovely are their Meal Ticket.. He's strategically reducing his hours whilst he and his family are guilting YOU into putting his name on a potential property... they think you are a MUG and Meal Ticket and they're not even trying to disguise that fact... He struck Gold with you ...

Im so glad you are leaving... that you can see this for what this is... an ambush ...

You missed out of a great career opportunity for a guy who has not prioritised you once...

I hope you find a place near home soon my lovely and escape with your Cat asap 🌸💕

I dont know what happened, I used to feel really pretty and free and now I feel middle aged and washed up and I'm about to just fuck everything off and start ALL OVER again. I dont own anything, it feels like everyone else is streets ahead with kids and owning a home and in their long standing relationships or married

You don’t know what happened? HE happened! And he refused to get married snd didn’t want to buy a house and so now here you are. Unmarried, with no house. It’s that simple.

Why are you waiting till October?

Oh, and I'm about to just fuck everything off and start ALL OVER again just needs a little rewrite. You’re just about to give up a situation that isn’t working for you, and move forwards.

Good luck OP! You can do this.

He’s been gaslighting you. You don’t need to be grateful for him doing stuff around the house… he lives there, he should! He’s not your child & you owe him nothing. Relationships end. That’s it.

As for feeling old, this will lift and you’ll look back a laugh at feeling this way. You’ll reclaim yourself and feel hot again. I promise.

It’s very exciting buying a home alone. No compromise on decorating and it’s 100% yours.

You're not about to 'fuck everything off ', you are taking steps to get your life back on track! You are not going back to the situation you were in in your 20s because you have all that life experience since to guide you in the future! You now know what you do want and what you don't - knowledge is power! (The lack of motivation re work would have been major for me, btw. I left a previous boyfriend partly for a similar attitude)

36 is young and once you are happy with your life, you will feel that again.

Best of luck.

And I bought my own home once upon a time. I had always shared flats etc before that and wasn't sure I'd like it. It turned out to be the best thing ever! Many years later, with husband and two kids, I daydream about having a place to myself from time to time........