Was I selfish and mean?

[Jasmeen]

I have a lovely DP who I have been with for 5 years, not married and no kids. He is a very sweet personality, calm and gentle and always there to listen and support me. Compared.to some of the men o read about on here hes an absolute gem. He does all the cleaning laundry and DIY, while I do the cooking and "life admin".

Things have been a little tricky between us lately. I had to turn down a job opportunity I was offered somewhere pretty exciting because he wanted to stay in the same place he has always lived. Then came what I will call Housegate.

Basically I earn a lot more than him because I work in a specialist area and work long hours while he chooses to only work 20 hours a week. What we contribute to the household reflects the difference.
A year ago I said I wanted to buy a house. Not only is his income low but he also has a shocking credit rating and debt. Did he decide to sort that out? Did he fuck. So I told him that I couldn't wait for him anymore: he is 40 and I am 36, I want to get moving with this. I told him I was going to buy a house alone. All good.

So a year later and i get pre approved and i go to view some houses. I take him with me to see them because he will be living there too and i want him to live somewhere he likes and feels comfortable. We find a house we both love. I make an offer. The offer is accepted. I'm excited. LITERALLY five minutes after, he drops a bomb on me: he wants to own 20% of the house and he will give me some deposit money in exchange. I tell him i dont need any deposit money, i have my own. He gets frustrated and tells me "this doesnt feel like a partnership".

I'm hurt and i pull out of my offer and knock the house idea on the head as I begin to question even staying with him and in this area.
A week later I see his sister and mother who tell me I have been selfish and "a relationship is about sharing together".

Im just fed up now. I feel like he is lovely, absolutely love, but like a weight. I feel so bad saying this but...
Cant take a job opportunity because he wont move
Cant buy a house because he womt help me buy one but wants in anyway
Latest bombshell is he has decided he refuses to get the vaccine. I said "so you realise potentially this could mean we never get to travel anywhere new together, right?" he said yep. I said "imagine a future where you HAD to get the vaccine to go to the pub or restaurant together. It would be crap for us. Would you still not get it for our relationship?" and he said "sorry, no".

I feel like we never go anywhere or do anything anyway unless I push him. I'm just fed up. But is it stupid to break up with someone I love, someone who is so kind, when I'm 36? And was it selfish of me to not have given him a percentage of the house? I'm so confused about what I should do. I'm fed up and frustrated and bored and I also love him. Please help.me see clearly MN

but my aunt said this is partly what savings are for and that she thinks it's better for me to minimise the fallout and emotional mess as far as possible

I really agree with your aunt @Jasmeen You can't stay in this relationship until October without saying anything, and once you say something, you can't stay in the relationship.

@Jasmeen

Thank you for your replies I didnt expect it to be heavily weighted to one side. Sorry if I miss out any questions but will try and answer. Yes currently I pay our rent which is £1000 and he pays our bills and food shop.

The reason I wasnt happy with taking 20% deposit and giving him 20% was

1. I dont want to be financially associated with him if he has bad debt, we already had a joint account to start with that somehow ended up massively overdrawn when none of my personal accounts ever are (that's closed now)
2. Maybe this is mean and non committal of me but as we arent married I wanted to be able to sell up and move on with no hassle if the relationship didnt work
3. Not rational but...I just didnt want to out of anger. It feels like he has a lot his own way aka our rent is so expensive because he had specific demands for the house so I just thought why should I, basically. Plus this past year I have worked like a DOG to save up more and have my accounts pristine so I could get my mortgage. The petty side of me thought maybe I could have just "chilled" this past year too and hoped somebody would cut me in on a house.

I dont want kids. But I've been in this relationship for 5 years and I dont know, I feel old and tired even though I know I'm not really very old at 36. I feel like I dont know who I am anymore.

He has a lot of good points. If you needed him to do something, say you needed picking up an hour away, he would get in the car and drive without a second thought. Hes very patient. I can get stressed with work and a bit snappy sometimes, he takes stuff in his stride. On the other hand though if ever I want to raise a problem he will shut down and not talk to me for two or three days so i can never really vocalise much it feels like.

I'm oissed off he said "it doesnt feel like a partnership". He said if he didnt also own it it woukdnt feel like his home. I said but now we rent, and it feels like your home? He said it was different and I sort of see his point. But he had always told me that marriage was just a piece of paper which is why we never have married. I told him wasnt a mortgage just a piece of paper too?

@Jasmeen you're right to counter his apparent assertion that marriage is just a piece of paper. You're completely right, with the same logic, a mortgage is just a piece of paper too...

It sounds like you'd like to get married but he doesn't?

He doesn't get to have all the benefits of marriage (I.e. shared financial everything) without the commitment. Stand your ground.

To be honest I would leave him. I get he has good points but he sounds like he's just using you for the subsided lifestyle, he doesn't sound committed, he just wants everything his way and you keep caving despite him not being committed to you. Of course he has to be nice to you I the relationship because you're the one bring home most of the bacon!

He's an absolute loser.

Get rid asap.

@1FootInTheRave

He's an absolute loser.

Get rid asap.

yip 🌺

Hi there OP,

I saw so many similarities between you and me so I thought I’d reply to this thread.

I broke up with my unambitious fiance about 2.5 years ago. He was always extremely non-commital about buying a place and everything in general, and said that he would inherit his parent’s property anyway. But I felt that I always wanted something on my own, especially since my dad has passed away and the relationship with my mum is strained at best. I don’t have that same family background as him.

It was hard because I thought this was the man I was going to be with for the rest of my life, but he was dragging me down and I’ve never met anyone lazier than him.

Since breaking up, my life has really gone from strength to strength, I’ve had a couple of promotions at work, got the pixie cut I’ve always wanted but most importantly, bought my own place. It was one of the most empowering moments to fill out solicitor’s forms and say that the property was 100% in my name.

I wish you all the best! You sound great and capable.

Re. feeling old, and regretting the wasted years:
This may not sound helpful, but should give you some perspective - at age 36 you have over 30 years until you retire...

Lots of time for career, mortgage, and to find someone to spend your retirement with.

@Fmlgirl 👏👏 👏

He’s not fundamentally nice, he’s a manipulative jerk.

The stuff about fearing stability actually made me laugh - I feel stressed just reading about the kind of instability where one’s partner is riddled with debt and yet only prepared to work a few hours a week.

You need to cut him loose.
You're going places and he's a dead-weight.
He's a leech but you can't see it.

Sounds like you're on your way back to your old self, the new job is a step in the right direction, buying a house is a step forward too. I think the reason you don't feel like yourself is you've got a dead weight around your neck in the form of your dp.

@Jasmeen

Just a quick note to say I hope you are well, and that your life is going in a happier direction. I re-read your last post and you sounded so sad and dragged down. I'm so glad you have good friends in real life. I hope they were able to provide you with the IRL support you need to take the next steps to a more positive, independent life and for you to be the person you really are.

Good luck my dear, and my best wishes for the future. You CAN do this without the weight you've been carrying for too long you know! 🌹

Just read this thread this morning- very much hope it turns into a mumsnet good news story

Face it, he is lazy, selfish and useless with money. He might be good in bed, who knows, but he's not what you need as a partner.