Was I selfish and mean?

[Jasmeen]

I have a lovely DP who I have been with for 5 years, not married and no kids. He is a very sweet personality, calm and gentle and always there to listen and support me. Compared.to some of the men o read about on here hes an absolute gem. He does all the cleaning laundry and DIY, while I do the cooking and "life admin".

Things have been a little tricky between us lately. I had to turn down a job opportunity I was offered somewhere pretty exciting because he wanted to stay in the same place he has always lived. Then came what I will call Housegate.

Basically I earn a lot more than him because I work in a specialist area and work long hours while he chooses to only work 20 hours a week. What we contribute to the household reflects the difference.
A year ago I said I wanted to buy a house. Not only is his income low but he also has a shocking credit rating and debt. Did he decide to sort that out? Did he fuck. So I told him that I couldn't wait for him anymore: he is 40 and I am 36, I want to get moving with this. I told him I was going to buy a house alone. All good.

So a year later and i get pre approved and i go to view some houses. I take him with me to see them because he will be living there too and i want him to live somewhere he likes and feels comfortable. We find a house we both love. I make an offer. The offer is accepted. I'm excited. LITERALLY five minutes after, he drops a bomb on me: he wants to own 20% of the house and he will give me some deposit money in exchange. I tell him i dont need any deposit money, i have my own. He gets frustrated and tells me "this doesnt feel like a partnership".

I'm hurt and i pull out of my offer and knock the house idea on the head as I begin to question even staying with him and in this area.
A week later I see his sister and mother who tell me I have been selfish and "a relationship is about sharing together".

Im just fed up now. I feel like he is lovely, absolutely love, but like a weight. I feel so bad saying this but...
Cant take a job opportunity because he wont move
Cant buy a house because he womt help me buy one but wants in anyway
Latest bombshell is he has decided he refuses to get the vaccine. I said "so you realise potentially this could mean we never get to travel anywhere new together, right?" he said yep. I said "imagine a future where you HAD to get the vaccine to go to the pub or restaurant together. It would be crap for us. Would you still not get it for our relationship?" and he said "sorry, no".

I feel like we never go anywhere or do anything anyway unless I push him. I'm just fed up. But is it stupid to break up with someone I love, someone who is so kind, when I'm 36? And was it selfish of me to not have given him a percentage of the house? I'm so confused about what I should do. I'm fed up and frustrated and bored and I also love him. Please help.me see clearly MN

Oh fuck no! You should have taken the job and left him behind! Doing the housework and giving lifts is the least he can do given what you’re providing for him. He’s holding you back

The thing is, partnership works both ways.

Was your refusal to let him pay 20% of the deposit for 20% of the house not acting like a partnership?

To be honest, a little, yes.

But getting into terrible debt and not addressing it isn't a partnership.

Insisting that you not move but not making an effort to step up isn't a partnership.

Refusing to get a vaccine even though it will mean serious consequences for you isn't a partnership.

Sulking for days when you try to bring up issues isn't a partnership.

Dipping into your joint account and draining it isn't a partnership.

Talking about marriage being 'just a piece of paper' is very very dumb and/or manipulative and isn't a partnership.

It sounds like he wants a partnership on his own terms and only on his own terms. What exactly is he compromising on or sacrificing for this partnership, OP?

Does it feel like a partnership if you are bearing the brunt of the money earned?
Or the hours worked?
Or the financial responsibility?
Or just the general work of growing up?

It doesn't seem like you are a partnership in anything but housework. If he wanted to go on s mortgage and own a house, he needed to grow up and sort out his credit. If that means he needs to work more hours, then that's his problem.

I’d be looking for more job opportunities elsewhere.

Yes, like others I'd have taken the job. You've thrown away a good opportunity for what? A man you don't trust enough to buy a house with?

I think the job issue has simply raised the real issues for you...the commitment and future issues. Without children, you're both free as birds...not so much if you're financially tied to what sounds like a bit of a deadbeat.

Move on...get another dream job, move, buy a house.

He sounds a waste of space - is your bar so low that someone who picks you up or gives you a lift is considered really 'kind' - surely that's just a normal thing that mates do for each other ... without needing to be 'in a relationship'.

Bin him, buy a property on your own - you will feel really empowered.

I am not surprised you were angry - I feel angry just reading about him!

As a PP said, picking you up at a moment's notice is really not cutting it!

He sounds frustrating as hell.

And not talking about issues you raise is a HUGE issue all by itself.

Don't buy the house, go for the kind of job you want and buy a house there. Get away from this man who will hold you back forever. He won't let you do anything, even talk.

@mynameisbrian
No I definitely wouldnt marry him but it was the idea i found interesting: he doesnt want that commitment but he does want the commitment of the mortgage.

He was going to give 20% of the deposit for 20% of the house and no, dont ask me why he wouldnt put that money into clearing his debt....

My sister made a point i hadnt thought of last night, she said asking for 20% bothered her more than if he had simply said let's go halves. Like it itsnt a 50/50 partnership hes after but a cut.

It is definitely.more him I love than the idea of a relationship just. Hes a very personable person. Everyone, my friends and family, like him and they have all been disappointed with our relationship and Housegate but always preface it with "I like X a lot, but....". Hes a congenial and kind of affable personality.

I wouldnt have gone ahead and bought the house without him because if the relationship isnt there I would want to get the hell out of this area which I really dont like. What I would probably do next is apply for new jobs in new places and move on elsewhere

He has a lot of good points. If you needed him to do something, say you needed picking up an hour away, he would get in the car and drive without a second thought. Hes very patient. I can get stressed with work and a bit snappy sometimes, he takes stuff in his stride. On the other hand though if ever I want to raise a problem he will shut down and not talk to me for two or three days so i can never really vocalise much it feels like.

Still in your paragraph about his good points there's a (big!) negative. I know it's difficult to see the wood for the trees when you're in the middle of a relationship but this one isn't sounding very good for you at all, Jasmeen

On the other hand though if ever I want to raise a problem he will shut down and not talk to me for two or three days so i can never really vocalise much it feels like.

So he is lovely when you agree with him, not quite so lovely if you disagree with him.

Get the job and house you want and leave him behind.

’if ever I want to raise a problem he will shut down and not talk to me for two or three days so i can never really vocalise much it feels like.’

That’s a pretty major problem.

X post

This really doesn't sound like a great relationship. He can be nice and sweet and calm and still be the wrong person for you. At your age you should be looking for someone who has the same goals/ambitions/needs in life. You and he are poles apart. you are compromising by not moving from where you now live. What is he compromising for you? You really aren't moving in the same direction at all.

He is like his sister and mother - they believe all the sharing in a relationship should come from you.

What a selfish man he is. How awfully he treats you. Making you compromise your life like this. Honestly what a waster. Debts. Part time e work. Won’t move, wants your house. Happy to do fuck all.

I honestly don’t know how you find that attractive. He’s not kind. He’s selfish and a grabby waster,

Dead weight
Get rid
End of

Interesting that he doesn't want marriage when he's a much lower earner with a bad credit record. Good thing for you, though.

I suppose he has to be congenial and affable so that you can feel it when it suits him not to be...

Despite the fact that you may love him, you sound incompatible financially as well as also being in agreement on stuff. That is evident in everything you wrote.

You'll both be happy when you find other people more suitable to yourselves: Sounds like you need a high earner/flyer while he needs an artsy creative woman that isn't fussed about material stuff.

People's aspirations and ideas on how to spend their lives are very different.

Cut your losses and run, OP. This is a lazy git not a man to plan a future with.

Oh my god girl, what did I just read?? You sound very intelligent and lovely but I feel like you’ve been blinded by this mans so called ‘nice’ characteristics.

Just because he hasn’t hit you or cheated on you doesn’t mean he’s not an abuser. He’s controlled so many pivotal elements of your life! Career, house?? Jesus, wake up and dump this guy.

And an anti vaxxer to boot? One who doesn’t give a shit how it will impact your life together.
You can do so much better and you know it. He isn’t a nice man, he’s a selfish man and the sooner you’re rid, the better.

OP, if he truly loved you and was being reasonable, he would want you to be the best you can, even if that meant you moving away for a time.

It seems more like he is cruising, being a child to your detriment.

You should have proceeded with the house. You chose not to.

But that's because she might want to live elsewhere if she's not with him. He's held her back on the job front by refusing to move areas, and now he's dictating the terms of the house purchase in his area, even though he only adds a very small amount of £ she doesn't need and brings additional problems of debt and encumbrance. OP, I think this is all very useful to know now before you get held back any more by him. Don't compare his to arsehole DH's you read about on here and think you're doing well just because he does housework. He only works 20 hours by choice, he's got plenty of leisure to do these kindnesses in, but it's also meant he hasn't been a grown up and sorted his debts etc. As you don't have DC and are career-focused, there's not need to tie yourself to him and staying in that area for no good reason. He sounds like he wants a very small life and you want more so go and get it and absolutely don't feel selfish or mean - he's the one putting himself first and not investing in your future as a couple. Don't expect a rational view from his family. They've made him the way he is. You know the score.

I think you really know what you need to do Op. Good luck, hope it all works out well for you.

Oh and start applying for those jobs you want and start looking for houses where you actually want to live. Start living your life!

Where did he suddenly get a 20% deposit from? and why does he have debt if he has a 20% deposit stashed away?

I would not buy a house with somebody who has a tendancy to get into debt as you could lose the house if he went under.

He had a choice to up his game, work full time, clear his debt etc, and he selfishly decided not to. He is the selfish one not you, and I would be pointing that out to his family. He made no effort at all.

I would proceed and buy a house in your own name only and be prepared for the relationship to end. it does not sound like you are compatible, he is quite happy to sponge off you. Having been in a relationship like that myself, I felt very resentful that I was the only one earning money while the other person not only didn't earn it, but got into debt as well.

The vaccine thing is a separate issue, but again, if you want a partner who has been vaccinated, then you are not compatible with each other.

Yeah. To be honest this has been on my mind for about a year now, even before Housegate. I think I posted now reaching the point of acting on those thoughts. I needed reassurance because I was scared I would be making some sort of.horrible mistake but deep down I know this just isnt going to work. The fact that MN is so overwhelmingly on one side sort of validates my feelings. Its difficult because I'm surrounded by his family so sometimes I doubt t myself.

What about this feeling of being old and tired? Will this go away? I feel like im 66 not 36. In fact I see women in their sixties who seem younger than me. I feel.so tired and hollow. I get into bed at night and will snuggle up.to him, we will laugh about something together, and I feel safe and warm, but then I wake up in the morning and I feel ancient and heavy.