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Original poster

What are your thoughts on women who knowingly have affairs with married men?

232 replies

champagnetasting · 15/07/2021 11:21

And those men who have young children/ children with SN. Does it make these women any different in your opinion ?
But first, I need to say that I have never blamed OW for my exh affair or departure. That's totally on him .
Just wondered ....

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 15/07/2021 11:27

Oh I totally blame the OW for having the affair too.

I really dislike the MN stance of well she didn't owe you anything, we all owe it to each other to treat one another how we would like be treated. The OW is complicit in the break up of a marriage.

Although frankly I didn't mind at all in my case as ex was a horrifically abusive monster, it was only when OW decided to write to court to say ex's abuse was fifty percent my fault, that I felt anything for her. Mostly utter revulsion.

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/07/2021 11:28

Naive and believe the standard bs they're told, or low self-esteem and need validation, or selfish and need validation, a few maybe mercenary, rescuers, some are unaware of wife/children because of man's lies.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 15/07/2021 11:28

I think its still on the one who took vows. Anything else ultimately leads to slut shaming and blaming women for men's behaviour.

Original poster
champagnetasting · 15/07/2021 11:31

In my case also @frazzledasarock , he did me a massive favour .
The only feelings I have really are disgust that my exh has played into her hand and refuses to introduce children to her ' because she is not ready' which is utter bullshit. The killer is that my exh has a very strong relationship with her kids and our kids were not allowed to his house because he moved her in for the majority of lockdown and wouldn't tell her to go home on the evenings the kids were with him, so he drove them around in the dark and mostly rainy nights listening to the radio for a couple of hours twice per week.

OP posts:
Sampafie · 15/07/2021 11:32

Well if I were the throwing-blame-kind, Id put about as much blame on OW as I would the wife for not realizing something was off about her marriage. Id say they both tie for 2nd place. First place is obviously douchebag husband

LtDansleg · 15/07/2021 11:33

@frazzledasarock

Oh I totally blame the OW for having the affair too.

I really dislike the MN stance of well she didn't owe you anything, we all owe it to each other to treat one another how we would like be treated. The OW is complicit in the break up of a marriage.

Although frankly I didn't mind at all in my case as ex was a horrifically abusive monster, it was only when OW decided to write to court to say ex's abuse was fifty percent my fault, that I felt anything for her. Mostly utter revulsion.

I agree. Men and women who do this are absolute scumbags. How you could do this to another human being is beyond me. You may not be the person cheating on their family, but you’re still a piece of shit with no morals or decency. Theres enough single people out there. Why not find your own instead of contributing to the destruction of a family?
wigjuice · 15/07/2021 11:33

That she could be one of many, if he is of the frame of mind to be unfaithful then he will.

SmokeyDevil · 15/07/2021 11:33

The man is entirely to blame for breaking up his marriage. He didn't have to shag her.

But the women who chase married men I think of as desperate to be honest. It's just sad watching them deliberately chase married men, even when the man isn't interested. But it is just desperation really, desperate for any attention of any kind. It's sad they feel that way about themselves.

JaneJeffer · 15/07/2021 11:34

I hate the "he was the one who made the vows" nonsense. They are both as bad as each other.

Ultimatecougar · 15/07/2021 11:34

They're trash. They probably have low self esteem to entertain a man who isn't free.

I blame the man more and think he is completely without integrity but I don't buy the "she didn't make a vow to you" thing. We all should treat others properly and enabling someone to cheat is pretty low. In a long marriage with financial interdependence between the spouses cheating is tantamount to fraud.

To continue the analogy - he is the robber, but the OW drives the getaway car and as such is not blameless.

BobLemon · 15/07/2021 11:40

Ooooh, an interesting one from Sampafie! D’ya know, there’s probably some truth to that sometimes.

But generally, nah, I wouldn’t make any assumptions/judgements about someone who had a relationship/fling/whatever with a married person. Or even about the married person actually. You just don’t know what is actually going on in their lives. Be kind, init.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 15/07/2021 11:43

Twats.
As are the men.

Original poster
champagnetasting · 15/07/2021 11:46

Is that a tongue in cheek remark @Sampafie ? Equal blame on wife and ow, if you were to blame?
Can you explain your opinion?

OP posts:
Tal45 · 15/07/2021 11:56

Desperate and very low self esteem I believe to be the two requisites.

Cooldryplace · 15/07/2021 11:59

I think we have no idea. The only OW I know well enough to have an inkling of what's going on in her head, has been manipulated and emotionally abused by OM for almost a decade, although she doesn't see it that way. The relationship certainly hasn't made her happy.

IDidntFloatUpTheLaganInABubble · 15/07/2021 12:05

Whilst it is of no concern of mine who is to blame, if my DH cheated it would totally be on him.

What about OW who are lied to, when men don't tell them they are married. Women who invest in their futures with men who lie to them and they have no idea of the true picture.

Why are OW always labelled as desperate with low self esteem?

TeapotCollection · 15/07/2021 12:07

Many years ago, I worked with someone who loved sex but didn’t want a relationship. She had a 20+ year affair with someone who had a much higher sex drive than his wife, who only wanted it every few months

People who lived near them said the wife knew but wasn’t bothered because she knew they had no intention of running off together

Totally different situation to most though of course

Shodan · 15/07/2021 12:07

TBH, I find some of the rhetoric around this subject totally over the top- absolute scumbags/trash/low self esteem/lacking decency etc. I think sweeping generalisations like that are as ridiculous as, for instance, "all people who say things like that are of limited intelligence and empathy".

While I do agree that there are some women who deliberately target married men, I don't agree that all women who have affairs with married men are in the same category. I also don't believe that they're all lacking self esteem or bad people to their core, or anything else along those lines.

Put simply, it's impossible to have a one-view-fits-all mentality- human beings are complex creatures, with many varied and nuanced reasons for having affairs. I wouldn't judge a man OR a woman harshly, were they to have an affair with a married person, unless I knew ALL of the details of their marriage -which, of course, is not possible unless you are one of the two partners of that marriage.

Steakandcheeseplease · 15/07/2021 12:08

Women how knowingly go with married men are desperate.

HugeAckmansWife · 15/07/2021 12:09

I always thi k it's interesting that the marriage service includes an appeal to the congregation to support the marriage. I always think that implies a sort of social contract theory that it's encumbent on all of us not to deliberately undermine or harm others, regardless of if we know them personally. 'my' ow knew me and my kids, we weren't friends but she'd eaten at my house and we'd exchanged pleasantries. Deeply insecure, actively pursued exH who enjoyed feeling needed (I'm annoyingly competent and stable apparently and didn't need him enough). As a pp said, blame is not finite, you can blame the ow as well as the man. And it's not slut shaming or blaming women for mens' behaviour.. Les not deny that women CAN be utter arse holes.

MorrisZapp · 15/07/2021 12:12

My mum left my dad for his best friend. All three are kind, loving people who have contributed untold amounts to their own family and to their community.

My mum and my dad were never very well suited. They've both been married to their second spouses for three times as long as they were married to each other.

If anyone wants to slut shame my 78 year old mother then here I am, do your worst.

NotaCoolMum · 15/07/2021 12:15

@Shodan

TBH, I find some of the rhetoric around this subject totally over the top- absolute scumbags/trash/low self esteem/lacking decency etc. I think sweeping generalisations like that are as ridiculous as, for instance, "all people who say things like that are of limited intelligence and empathy".

While I do agree that there are some women who deliberately target married men, I don't agree that all women who have affairs with married men are in the same category. I also don't believe that they're all lacking self esteem or bad people to their core, or anything else along those lines.

Put simply, it's impossible to have a one-view-fits-all mentality- human beings are complex creatures, with many varied and nuanced reasons for having affairs. I wouldn't judge a man OR a woman harshly, were they to have an affair with a married person, unless I knew ALL of the details of their marriage -which, of course, is not possible unless you are one of the two partners of that marriage.

Totally agree
MorrisZapp · 15/07/2021 12:18

@Shodan

TBH, I find some of the rhetoric around this subject totally over the top- absolute scumbags/trash/low self esteem/lacking decency etc. I think sweeping generalisations like that are as ridiculous as, for instance, "all people who say things like that are of limited intelligence and empathy".

While I do agree that there are some women who deliberately target married men, I don't agree that all women who have affairs with married men are in the same category. I also don't believe that they're all lacking self esteem or bad people to their core, or anything else along those lines.

Put simply, it's impossible to have a one-view-fits-all mentality- human beings are complex creatures, with many varied and nuanced reasons for having affairs. I wouldn't judge a man OR a woman harshly, were they to have an affair with a married person, unless I knew ALL of the details of their marriage -which, of course, is not possible unless you are one of the two partners of that marriage.

Totally agree.
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 15/07/2021 12:19

that they should rot in hell

EmmaGrundyForPM · 15/07/2021 12:19

@Steakandcheeseplease

Women how knowingly go with married men are desperate.
seriously? Why?

Maybe they like the excitement of an affair without the boring bits of a relationship. I've never had an affair, am totally committed to my dh, but I can see that for someone who is single, the idea of a "no strings" relationship where you get the "fun" stuff without the mundane is quite attractive.

If DH ever had an affair then its totally on him, not his affair partner.

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