What are your thoughts on women who knowingly have affairs with married men?

[champagnetasting]

And those men who have young children/ children with SN. Does it make these women any different in your opinion ?
But first, I need to say that I have never blamed OW for my exh affair or departure. That's totally on him .
Just wondered ....

I'm think #bekind is a #bullshitplatitude so no #hypocrisy here.

@LadyCatStark

I have no time for women who have affairs with married men, assuming they know that the man married. Why is it considered awful and against ‘girl code’ to shame the OW but we shouldn’t think it’s awful or against ‘girl code’ to knowingly steal another woman’s husband? Surely as women we should all do our bit to stick together and not tolerate advances from married men??

Why do some women still think that husbands can be 'stolen'? It's utterly bonkers. A human being is sentient, cannot be owned and, just because they are married doesn't mean we have ownership of them.

There's no such thing as 'girl code' and actually, it's not the responsibility of women to keep the married man faithful, it's HIS responsibility, every time, 100%. I've seen all sort of silly suggestions that 'if only women would just not...'. How about this one - "If only all partnered persons would just not". That would work much better.

bjjgirl Thu 15-Jul-21 16:41:23
Remember how you got him because it's exactly how you will loose him.

Sorry to pick on your post but I see this from time to time and it makes no sense to me. I mean, I met my husband at work. He's now retired so not working. Does this mean my marriage is safe then now that he's no longer working and liable to bump into all these temptresses...?

Or, are you just employing this snappy little nonsensical soundbite for OW/OM?

I should be fine, we'll just circumnavigate cheap backpacker hostels.

Be kind is bollocks. As is 'no judgement'. I have cheated and been cheated on. Judgement is perfectly acceptable in both cases. It's a bit like absent fathers you don't pay maintenance.. Are there 'shades of grey' there? Should we 'no judgement' them too? Maybe a bit more judgement and censure from society as a whole might help people keep some form of moral compass and not just pursue their own gratification no matter the cost. Only one of my friends told me wha am awful thing I was doing when I cheated, everybody else was terribly kind and understanding. They shouldn't have been. They should have called me out for the selfish, in lust twat I was being. Hindsight is both wonderful and awful. I look back and shudder but having seen it all from both sides now, I absolutely think a bit more judgement and less 'you do you' might not be a bad thing at times.

My opinion.
If a married person is unfaithful, it's down to them.
No-one 'has his/her head turned'. Everyone knows what they're doing. No human being is 'stolen' from a relationship, unless they have been abducted. That's a crime. Infidelity isn't. Not in the UK, anyway.
The OW or OM is free to live their lives whatever way they like, without being judged. It's the married person at fault.
'Girl code' is crap. Like the person a few weeks ago who thought her friend shouldn't go out with a man she finished with years ago. A load of bollocks. There is no sisterhood. Or rather, there hasn't been until now. But that's another thread and it won't, won't make single people responsible for policing other people's marriages.

What about women who cheat who have kids with sen?

How about 'just being a decent personhood'. Nothing to do with girl code or sister hood, just not being a dick to another person and colluding in the utter devastation of someone else's life.

The OW or OM is free to live their lives whatever way they like, without being judged.

That's total bollocks. If your action negatively impacts other people, of course they will judge you. If you act in a way that shows your friends, you don't have the same views as them, they have a right to not want to engage with you and judge as someone who won't make a good friend.

The married person is definitely to blame for the cheating. But let's not pretend the OW/OM is not responsible for their own actions or are not contributing to the hurt caused.

I agree with PP’s re. not one fit for all OW. There are indeed those women who pursue married man after married man, and those who fall for a man that happens to be married. If a wife is unaware of problems in her marriage, this does not excuse the actions of the OW. Obviously no excuse for the husband to play away either, he should surely sort one relationship out before starting another, and in an ideal world the OW should have some self respect and wait for him to be free or find herself someone who is. I also don’t buy the MN story that it’s only the husband who is guilty because he made his vows, women should respect each other, but unfortunately if you have no self respect you aren’t going to respect anyone else either.

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange
Agree with the point about surprise wife.
A male friend of mine had an affair, everyone knew their marriage was horrendous( wife very controlling, nasty, spiteful), yet she professed shock and thought they were’ok’, cue eyebrows being very raised. She is now the most vicious, vindictive horrible person towards him and has filled her DC with lies about him.
There is always fallout but life needs to move forward.

@DoingItMyself Totally disagree.
Since when did people, male or female, not look out for each other. The example you’ve given is irrelevant as is off topic, completely different. But we are all accountable, even if just to ourselves. We are all “free” to make our own choices, but with that comes responsibility. And with that comes judgement whether we like it or not.

The OW who my ex got pregnant was an absolute bitch! Stupidity, nastiness and desperation are an awful combination in a person. She had absolutely no empathy or sympathy or shame for what she had done! Apparently i was a " sad cow who needed to get over it and move on". When he did exactly the same to her and left her a single parent she seemed genuinely shocked that he could do such a thing even though he had already done it to me! She's even had the gall to play the victim. Imo both are equally to blame and they deserve all the shame and embarrassment they get!

Well judgement (unless you're actually a judge with a mandate) is pretty impotent, isn't it? I mean, people judge all kinds of nonsensical things ranging from the benign to the awful - and the annoyance/vitriol can be disproportionate.

People shouldn't have affairs, cheat on their partners, not financially support their families, etc, etc. but, sometimes they do and it is unfortunate that other people suffer as a result. The only thing that can be done is to extricate yourself from the person who has hurt you so that they can't continue to do that.

As usual though, there are posters on this thread who still refer to a 'DH' (who is a proven cheat and liar) yet hold the affair partner who isn't required to uphold vows as they didn't make them, fully accountable. It hurts, I get that, but responsibility is totally with the person who committed to us.

@DoingItMyself

My opinion. If a married person is unfaithful, it's down to them. No-one 'has his/her head turned'. Everyone knows what they're doing. No human being is 'stolen' from a relationship, unless they have been abducted. That's a crime. Infidelity isn't. Not in the UK, anyway. The OW or OM is free to live their lives whatever way they like, without being judged. It's the married person at fault. 'Girl code' is crap. Like the person a few weeks ago who thought her friend shouldn't go out with a man she finished with years ago. A load of bollocks. There is no sisterhood. Or rather, there hasn't been until now. But that's another thread and it won't, won't make single people responsible for policing other people's marriages.

Completely agree. It's a waste of emotion to place responsibility on a person who isn't responsible. Responsibility for any marriage is for the two people in it, nobody else.

Nothing about that is supportive of affairs in any way; it would be better for unhappy partners to leave before moving on with somebody new but, they don't - again, this is on them.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
I do wonder at the cheating spouse is often seen as stolen and OW/M is vilified, the friend I mentioned is not allowed to have his DC in the company of OW who in now his long term partner, yet strictly speaking he’s the one who cheated 🤷🏼‍♀️

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

That’s incredibly simplistic

The OWs in the 2 affairs I know about went out of their way to torment the wives left behind. It was sickening, vindictive behaviour
It wasn’t enough to have just been involved in wrecking the marriage and devastating children, they had to then keep twisting the knife

OWs who either get dumped or get the ‘prize’ of the cheating man rarely then walk away quietly. They either come out fighting against the humiliation of being dumped or they gloat and rub noses in the destruction they’ve caused

They are a huge cause of the hurt

HerMammy then that's very sad. I understand the hurt and upset caused, I've been on both sides myself but, to use the children as pawns is disgraceful and there's no excuse for it if the parent who has left is a decent parent.

Children first, last and always. That's the mantra here, isn't it? Seems that for some, it's easy to talk the talk but putting their children's interests first isn't so clear-cut.

I don't believe that anybody is unscathed from an affair, certainly not the left partner, but also the one who has left due to having the affair. It's a sad situation all round and really best avoided, but... shit happens.

Sparechange, I don't know any OW like that; I certainly wasn't like it myself. I can't imagine what the gloating achieved either? I can't understand purposely wanting to cause pain, it's bad enough to do it through selfish actions but, the actions you describe, they're abhorrent.

I don't think that most affairs are discovered or even known about, they're covert for good reason. Perhaps if they stayed that way they'd cause less hurt all round. Better still that they didn't happen in the first place.

Selfish or naive. OH worse because he made a life with the person/people he's hurting. Utterly despicable for those who set out to deliberately lure and gloat - whichever of them it is.

That they are a fucking disgrace and deserve everything they get.

@Cooldryplace

I know people won't have it, preferring to think of APs as wicked and devious, but I do think for a lot of people it is something that "just happens". Yes of course, if better decisions had been made early on it would have been avoided, but life and love is not like that.

See, I don't think it ever "just happens". In every case I've seen there is a build up, with boundaries crossed at many stages along the way. First the flirting, seeing whether the flirting gets the appropriate reaction, then more inappropriate flirting, eventually turning into an emotional affair when they start complaining about their current partner, keeping secrets and comparing their new love interest to the old.

It's only after all of the build up that the physical affair starts, and they claim that the physical affair "just happened". It only "just happened" if you ignore all of the emotional boundary-crossing that came before it. Anyone who saw the build up would be able to see what was coming. And a decent person would stop at the flirting stage, or leave their partner before the emotional affair.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

How many OW do you know?

Do you get invited to be a member of some OW supervillain club when you’ve proven yourself at wrecking another woman’s life?
God, to be a fly on the wall at their hang outs!

I don't get the mentality of the OW can burn in hell but I will still cook, clean and have sex with the man that betrayed marriage vow and was OK to deceive me.

**Oh I totally blame the OW for having the affair too.

I really dislike the MN stance of well she didn't owe you anything, we all owe it to each other to treat one another how we would like be treated. The OW is complicit in the break up of a marriage.**

^This. I would judge any woman or man who had an affair with a married person. It would put me off them.