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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What are your thoughts on women who knowingly have affairs with married men?

232 replies

champagnetasting · 15/07/2021 11:21

And those men who have young children/ children with SN. Does it make these women any different in your opinion ?
But first, I need to say that I have never blamed OW for my exh affair or departure. That's totally on him .
Just wondered ....

OP posts:
youshallnotpass9 · 15/07/2021 13:05

If the woman knew he was married than I would go on something like a 60-40 split towards the man, as I do believe he owes more to his wife than the OW, but obviously she is not competely blameless.

Woman unaware the man is married 100% on his shoulders.

There are always ifs and buts and what abouts, but the simple fact is there is divorce, you want to go and shag someone else have the decency to end one relationship before you start another,

IceLace100 · 15/07/2021 13:06

It's hard to generalise all women who have affairs with married men, because there are a lot of them.

But what I would say is some people like having simple lives. In other words, being faithful to one partner who loves them back.

People who have affairs thrive having complicated lives full of drama. Because affairs are never simple and straightforward are they?

Jonjojobs123 · 15/07/2021 13:06

What about in my case where the OW knew me, had met my younger kids and had worked briefly with one of my older. She worked with my oh for near on 10 years before they 'drunkenly' hooked up. Yep my marriage was not in a good place at the time. He told her immediately it was a mistake but she then spent the next 12 months trying to instigate something more, completely unbeknown to me. In fact she told many people she was in love with him and couldn't understand why he was still with me (again unbeknown to me) Whilst to my face acting completely normal. 100% blame my husband for ever putting me in and causing that situation in the first place and his interest in saving his own skin (apparently because he was desperate for me not to find out as i would leave him) BUT i do think she was a shifty B#%ch and i'll never forget what she did snd i'll never trust another work friend again. I worked in a very promiscuous industry in my youth when i was single and had my fair few offers from married man trying their luck. I remember one guy i really quite like and he pursued me for a long while, trying to convince me didn't have a relationship with his wife etc etc. One day he turned up at my house (uninvited) and said do i stand a chance with you and i said when you split up with your wife you'll find out. He said but what if i split up with my wife and your not interested....i just said well I'm not interested in married men full stop so you'll never know. I do think you are correct the OW owes us nothing they made know promises to us but as a person i have a moral obligation to my fellow human to respect them and not knowingly cause them harm. And also i'm not stupid enough to believe the crap these people spin to justify there actions....tge guy he chased me wife fell pregnant very shortly after he propositioned me and i remember saying to him how amazing it was that they'd managed to conceive having no sex 🙄

LadyCatStark · 15/07/2021 13:09

I have no time for women who have affairs with married men, assuming they know that the man married. Why is it considered awful and against ‘girl code’ to shame the OW but we shouldn’t think it’s awful or against ‘girl code’ to knowingly steal another woman’s husband? Surely as women we should all do our bit to stick together and not tolerate advances from married men??

Magicpaintbrush · 15/07/2021 13:10

There have been a lot of threads on here with the exact same question, it crops up a lot.

OW usually fall into two categories, the ones who have low self esteem and will chase after a 'relationship' at any cost even if the man is married because they are lonely or whatever. Then the second category, the predatory OW who are massive arseholes who don't give a shit about who they hurt and do it for an ego boost, or to see if they can steal someone else's bloke because it makes them feel like the alpha woman. The latter particularly are nasty pieces of work.

My personal thoughts on OW - and OM - is that they are scum. They could choose not to be part of the ruination of another person's life, and that of their children, but they are so innately selfish that they will just do it anyway. I despise them with every ounce of my being, and judge them against the behaviour of decent human beings who would never ever dream of doing something so awful to somebody.

But, just to be very clear, that where an affair is concerned, the majority of the blame must always lie with the husband, or wife, who is cheating on their spouse. It is the worst thing you can do to another person, and is not forgivable. And as somebody who has been cheated on 4 times I can tell you that, although it is possible to move past it eventually and even reconcile with your partner and move into calm waters, there are some things which are beyond forgiveness, and cheating is one of them. In the heat of the moment when everything is exciting, and the affair seems so separate from wife/kids/home life like some sort of bubble, cheaters never stop to think about the reality of the fall out when they get caught - destroyed lives, heartbroken spouse in therapy, traumatised kids, having to sell up the family home, extended family or friends who are angry and won't speak to the cheater etc Doesn't seem so worth it then.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/07/2021 13:21

Each individual is 100% responsible for their own actions.

So OW is not 50% responsible for a man cheating on his wife. He is 100% responsible for cheating on his wife. An OW is 100% for their decision to shag a married man.

I believe good people can do bad things. An affair is a very bad thing. I couldn't ever forgive someone who cheated on me (I've tried in previous relationships) because when confronted with someone capable of lying convincingly to your face, the trust is IME impossible to recover.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/07/2021 13:23

@EmmaGrundyForPM

Maybe they like the excitement of an affair without the boring bits of a relationship. I've never had an affair, am totally committed to my dh, but I can see that for someone who is single, the idea of a "no strings" relationship where you get the "fun" stuff without the mundane is quite attractive.

Then people can just have sex and not relationships, surely... Not use the unknowing partner of their affair partner as a sort of insurance against the affair partner wanting a sexual arrangement to turn into more.

thelegohooverer · 15/07/2021 13:34

I can see that for someone who is single, the idea of a "no strings" relationship where you get the "fun" stuff without the mundane is quite attractive

Rubbish. When you’re single that kind of relationship is simply a matter of choice. You don’t have to get involved and mundane if you don’t want.

But I can certainly see that for a married person, the way to have the fun without the dull part is to have an affair.

HugeAckmansWife · 15/07/2021 13:50

Really don't get the apportioning of blame, so x% to him and x % to her. There is no 100% to be shared out. As a pp said, the cheating spouse is 100% to blame for their actions (and that includes if it was a shit marriage-they could choose to leave). The ow is 100% to blame (assuming they know) for their choice to be a knowing participant in a deceit. To be knowingly involved in a fairly major fraud that has the massive fall out that affairs do, is pretty shitty. And 'good people do bad things' up to a point.. A one off, stupid error of judgement yes. Prolonged lying, complicity in deceit adds up to a pretty shitty person. 'my' ow joked with my then husband that she'd teach him to be a better a liar so he could deceive me more easily. But I'm sure she's lovely really 🙄

Sampafie · 15/07/2021 14:20

Lets agree to disagree :)

SeaShoreGalore · 15/07/2021 14:26

I wouldn’t call an affair a ‘fairly major fraud’!

I think there are as many kinds of OW as there are faithful women. I have known perfectly nice and good people who have affairs, I just think it’s something that is hardwired in some people.

frazzledasarock · 15/07/2021 14:41

If one needs to perform mental gymnastics to justify ones behaviour it's usually because the behaviour is unforgiveable.

I don't care about the whys and wherefores of people having affairs. The fact is, a married person having an affair with a knowing and complicit partner, are both wrong.
They're both scum, their behaviour is utterly scummy.

If it was fine and acceptable they wouldn't be hiding it and whining about being 'judged'.

An ex friend had an affair, she was desperate. Then once she had her 'prize' she set about re-writing history and painting her P's ex-wife as a crazy bitch.
I'd be a crazy bitch if my husband left me with a new-born and a grief stricken tween whilst he played happy families with OW and her kids.

Cooldryplace · 15/07/2021 15:02

Or perhaps its because his wife was out shagging other people and he was humiliated by it, like women get when their husbands cheat?

That's not what I said. I said you can't possibly know.

But no blame the man of course. hmm

Fairyliz · 15/07/2021 15:06

@Shodan

TBH, I find some of the rhetoric around this subject totally over the top- absolute scumbags/trash/low self esteem/lacking decency etc. I think sweeping generalisations like that are as ridiculous as, for instance, "all people who say things like that are of limited intelligence and empathy".

While I do agree that there are some women who deliberately target married men, I don't agree that all women who have affairs with married men are in the same category. I also don't believe that they're all lacking self esteem or bad people to their core, or anything else along those lines.

Put simply, it's impossible to have a one-view-fits-all mentality- human beings are complex creatures, with many varied and nuanced reasons for having affairs. I wouldn't judge a man OR a woman harshly, were they to have an affair with a married person, unless I knew ALL of the details of their marriage -which, of course, is not possible unless you are one of the two partners of that marriage.

@Shodan. So how would you judge a woman having an affair with your husband?
LemonTT · 15/07/2021 15:24

You only have to read some of the replies here to see the damage an affair does. But it also doesn’t appear to be MM/W or OW/M who comes out with the most damage.

If they are knowingly having an affair they don’t really value fidelity which is why the cheated party will always be the hurt and angry one. They won’t be ashamed and their esteem will largely unaffected because they only ever wanted an affair.

SW1amp · 15/07/2021 15:28

@Sampafie

Did I read that right? You think a wife is as equally to blame for an affair as the woman that fucks her husband behind her back?

I can only assume you must be an OW who fell for the 'she doesn't treat me nicely, she won't have sex with me' lines to believe that.

What other victim blaming do you do?
Are rape victims equally to blame as their attackers for dressing up and asking for it?
Women who get pregnant bring it on themselves if they get sacked from work?

trilbydoll · 15/07/2021 15:29

I don't judge anyone particularly harshly for being weak willed and unable to say no to an attractive proposition. And I'm sure plenty of OW start affairs without the full information.

But when it moves into 'I want you to leave your wife for me' territory then I do judge them, because that is actively and purposely hurting someone else and also putting themselves in a position where they will never be 100% secure because he's done it once, he might do it again ...

FourTeaFallOut · 15/07/2021 15:34

I think women who seek out married men are sad sacks. It's the kind of low self esteem that thrives off feeling you've got something over someone else, the pretence of winning.

But beyond that I don't have much to say about them. It's not like they the one betraying a relationship.

Shodan · 15/07/2021 15:54

@Fairyliz The woman would be an irrelevance to me, tbh. I would be very angry with my husband (if I still had one). I'd also question what made him look elsewhere - what she was offering that I wasn't. For instance, if I'd decided that I didn't want to have sex with my husband any more, I'd assume she was offering that.

My point is though- I wouldn't judge ALL 'other women'/other men' at the same time, because a) I don't know them b) a) makes them even more irrelevant and c) I don't make sweeping judgements about people and situations I don't know.

azimuth299 · 15/07/2021 16:00

I have a friend like this, who has had multiple affairs with married men. Honestly, she is very naive and believes all of the shit that they spout. They all have exactly the same story - that their wife is horrible and "crazy" but that they don't want to leave the kids so they have to stay, and that they never have sex with their wife etc. She's very vulnerable and she is taken advantage of over and over again by these nasty men.

HugeAckmansWife · 15/07/2021 16:05

Of course it's true that there's no one answer to this. I categorise an affair as a 'fairly major fraud' because it involves, or can involve bare faced lying, using family money elsewhere, using the duped spouse as childcare while they are 'working' or whatever, usually gaslighting and then victim blaming when caught. In the back of it whole lives are turned upside down, houses are sold, financial positions are destroyed, futures that were seemingly secure in all sorts of ways get ripped away with the duped spouse having no say in the matter. If the affair goes on a while, I'd say that's fraud, yes.

SmokeyDevil · 15/07/2021 16:18

@Cooldryplace

Or perhaps its because his wife was out shagging other people and he was humiliated by it, like women get when their husbands cheat?

That's not what I said. I said you can't possibly know.

But no blame the man of course. hmm

And you can't possibly know that he was to blame. Do you automatically blame women on here if their husbands have affairs? There was one the other day, are you going to go ask her if she was abusing her husband behind closed doors? Hmm
Ijsbear · 15/07/2021 16:31

@azimuth299

I have a friend like this, who has had multiple affairs with married men. Honestly, she is very naive and believes all of the shit that they spout. They all have exactly the same story - that their wife is horrible and "crazy" but that they don't want to leave the kids so they have to stay, and that they never have sex with their wife etc. She's very vulnerable and she is taken advantage of over and over again by these nasty men.
multiple affairs and she still hasn't twigged she's being used? That just isn't normal. One mistake can happen if you're lied to and it doesn't mean you're incapable of regret and learning, but even a sheep learns not to put her nose into the electrified fence after a while.

Even if she is vulnerable - she's also lacking in an independent moral compass by now.

PixelatedLunchbox · 15/07/2021 16:34

The primary trait that comes to mind for me for an OW is "lack of empathy" an inability or perhaps unwillingness? to empathise with the destruction that will be wrought in the hearts and minds of the wife and children. If she could truly imagine what it would feel like to have it done to her, surely she wouldn't break societal sisterhood and go there.

Sampafie · 15/07/2021 16:36

@Sw1amp

Wink you know what they say about ASSumptions, so ASSume away all youd like. Nope, never been the other woman, funny to see you get all riled up though. Do go on