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Original poster

What are your thoughts on women who knowingly have affairs with married men?

232 replies

champagnetasting · 15/07/2021 11:21

And those men who have young children/ children with SN. Does it make these women any different in your opinion ?
But first, I need to say that I have never blamed OW for my exh affair or departure. That's totally on him .
Just wondered ....

OP posts:
StartingAgain33 · 16/07/2021 20:31

Someone I know won't necessarily pursue men with girlfriends or wives etc, but if thsy pursue her she doesn't turn them away. Sadly I do feel she is quite insecure and starved of attention, and it comes from just wanting any kind of attention, but in the end I'm sure it makes her feel worse that she's never 'number one'. I worry about her pursuing these things as they invariably treat her very disposably and I also tbh find it hard morally as I think what she is doing is wrong. But she is a good friend and I try not to judge as I'm not in her shoes (clearly am judging, oops). I've even thought about ending the friendship over it as it doesn't scream someone very trustworthy but it's not like we're best mates etc.

Youdiditanyway · 16/07/2021 20:35

I don’t know how they can live with themselves tbh. I was unwittingly the OW once many moons ago. I went on a few dates with a guy I thought was single, he didn’t have any signs of a GF on social media or anything. Anyway I ended up getting a text from his GF one morning, she’d found my texts on his phone and taken my number. I was absolutely mortified and just felt so, so guilty. Gave her all the information she asked for and couldn’t stop apologising. It played on my mind for a long time, I felt awful.

No idea how they can sleep at night. I fell out with an old friend when she told me she’d been shagging her married boss. He had a young child and I just thought she was awful, she loved the thrill of it and regularly slated his poor wife.

The man is obviously the worst of the two but the woman is a total cunt too.

OomphRidden · 16/07/2021 20:45

I really dislike the 'she must have low self-worth' thing, it's part of the idea that a woman needs a man to validate her, pay for her, etc etc. Maybe she too just wants some fun and no chance of feeling pinned down by moving in?

Where dependent children are involved, affairs are horrific; they breach the fundamental duty we have to care for our young. Later on in life, they can be rejuvenating for both APs - like the French 'cinq au sept' technique.

StartingAgain33 · 16/07/2021 20:47

I've been inadvertently the other woman too and then found out and felt awful. One had a new born baby! Awful man. Quite high profile too. Maybe I should have told his wife. But I just felt that would destroy her. Thankfully it was only two dates and we didn't sleep together. I told him in no uncertain terms what I thought of him.

lljkk · 16/07/2021 20:56

I don't have any thoughts, beyond I wouldn't do that myself. It's fine to not have any opinions on some stuff.

Maddiemademe · 16/07/2021 21:05

I don’t blame them if they were kept in the dark about what the state of the marriage is in. So many assholes follow the script of blaming the wife and only staying for the children. Many of these women often have low self esteem too.

I never blamed the OW because I know what bullshit ex was likely feeding her. On the other hand, if they are aware that the relationship is a happy one then that is really shitty. One OW I know was best friends with the wife Angry

Understandingnotignorance · 16/07/2021 21:49

I find them selfish and lacking a moral compass to knowingly go for a married man. I think they are equally to blame as the man. To say they don't owe the woman anything is bewildering as its a about common decency and morals not to knowingly break up a family.

HardyCamellia · 17/07/2021 02:20

Meh, no judgement. I mostly just roll my eyes at the “let’s blame the OW brigade” on here. Nobody is responsible for the state of a marriage except the two people who chose to be in it.

Ladybug123 · 17/07/2021 04:15

@HardyCamellia

Meh, no judgement. I mostly just roll my eyes at the “let’s blame the OW brigade” on here. Nobody is responsible for the state of a marriage except the two people who chose to be in it.
This is such outdated nonsense! Affairs happen in HAPPY MARRIAGES! It might make you feel unsafe but they do! Affair psychology recognises that more and more. Stats back it up. 50% of cheats describe themselves in a happy or very happy marriage. My husband certainly sat in this and is VERY clear on that.

It’s simply not a case of ‘If they gave the poor sausage more sex/attention/cooked five times a week etc etc he wouldn’t have been looking elsewhere’ bs! You get that this just claims our actions control another right, that’s ludicrous!

Stop victim blaming jeez! Affairs cause horrendous PTSD and trauma!

But ‘meh’ you won’t understand until you’ve gone through it 🙄

Ladybug123 · 17/07/2021 04:25

The manipulated other woman nonsense gets me too. ‘They’ve always been lied too’ rubbish. I’m sorry but affairs are a tale as old as time. We all know damn well as women, that married men lie to get into our knickers, those that have affairs CHOOSE to believe those lies because it suits their agenda!

Seems there are many on here that struggle with the idea that women can be just as selfish, conniving, manipulative and entitled as men.

disculpe · 17/07/2021 05:49

I do think that the husband having the affair is the one who most of the blame should go to, but I can't help but feel dislike for women who knowingly sleep with married men. I know a woman having an affair with a married man, he has kids. During the height of last years first lock down he was telling his wife that he wasn't able to wfh but then going to the OW house during work hours to spend the day there. Then going home to his wife at the end of the day. Which to me is pretty grim - it's bad enough going to the OW's house for an affair, but add in the fact he was doing it in the height of a pandemic and endangering his family, totally disgusting. And she is complicit in that even though she's made no vows to his wife. I can't help but judge her and women who do it knowingly, plenty of single men out there.

Amandasummers · 17/07/2021 06:23

I despise women who do this. No time for them, couldn’t be friends with someone who would do that. They are cretins.

MissJeanBrodiesprime · 17/07/2021 06:53

@HardyCamellia

Meh, no judgement. I mostly just roll my eyes at the “let’s blame the OW brigade” on here. Nobody is responsible for the state of a marriage except the two people who chose to be in it.
Such a naive outlook. You clearly haven’t had it happen to you. Yes of course we are responsible for our own marriage but for someone to knowingly go behind another person’s back is really shitty. My close friend went behind my back, goodness knows what lies my XH was telling her but she chose to believe it and saw him as up for grabs. No morals, low self esteem, jealous streak. Error in my own judgement there tbf, now I stay well away from people like that.
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 17/07/2021 07:19

They are the dregs that nobody wants to marry/be in a proper relationship with. I worked with one. She was always alone at Christmas, birthdays. She reeked of desperation. It was embarrassing.

MimiDaisy11 · 17/07/2021 07:26

I think people are approaching this question from different angles.

Obviously in the context of an affair the husband is to blame the most and the OW is not breaking any vows however she is knowingly being involved in an immoral situation.

When I read the original question though I though of a relative who confided in me that she was seeing a married man and that made me think less of that relative.

Thebiggerthecoffeethebetter · 17/07/2021 07:56

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

They are the dregs that nobody wants to marry/be in a proper relationship with. I worked with one. She was always alone at Christmas, birthdays. She reeked of desperation. It was embarrassing.
You’ve sort of confirmed what I have quietly feared for ever.

Age 17 - boy wants to date me, I say fine but you break up with your gf first. He does. (He then cheats…hilarious)
Age 20 - guy in office wants to date, few dates in turns out he isn’t single. I end it.
Age 24 - guy in office gets flirty with me, he is married. I distance myself. I don’t like him. This same scenario happens a few times with others over the next couple of years.

Age 29 - this one stung. Guy at my hobby falls hard for me as I do him. He is not single. We admit feelings but we agree to do nothing. I go no contact and I switch groups.

Nothing happened with anyone else in between those bullet points. I only attract not-single people. I have often wondered if it’s because there is just fundamentally something wrong with me. Perhaps I am the dregs that no one wants. Maybe you’re right.

ohfuckitall · 17/07/2021 08:15

@Shodan

TBH, I find some of the rhetoric around this subject totally over the top- absolute scumbags/trash/low self esteem/lacking decency etc. I think sweeping generalisations like that are as ridiculous as, for instance, "all people who say things like that are of limited intelligence and empathy".

While I do agree that there are some women who deliberately target married men, I don't agree that all women who have affairs with married men are in the same category. I also don't believe that they're all lacking self esteem or bad people to their core, or anything else along those lines.

Put simply, it's impossible to have a one-view-fits-all mentality- human beings are complex creatures, with many varied and nuanced reasons for having affairs. I wouldn't judge a man OR a woman harshly, were they to have an affair with a married person, unless I knew ALL of the details of their marriage -which, of course, is not possible unless you are one of the two partners of that marriage.

Agree.

And again, this OP is targeting the woman in this set up. not the man.....

MissJeanBrodiesprime · 17/07/2021 08:30

@Thebiggerthecoffeethebetter No I think you’re wrong, I don’t think from your example that this refers to you. From what you say, you have a moral compass, not sure why these people are attracted to you but you’ve behaved with respect.

dryasaboner · 17/07/2021 08:53

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

They are the dregs that nobody wants to marry/be in a proper relationship with. I worked with one. She was always alone at Christmas, birthdays. She reeked of desperation. It was embarrassing.

Many of them are also married though

Morgoth · 17/07/2021 09:04

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

They are the dregs that nobody wants to marry/be in a proper relationship with. I worked with one. She was always alone at Christmas, birthdays. She reeked of desperation. It was embarrassing.
Completely agree. Both the cheater and the affair partner are selfish, immoral scum. I wouldn’t continue to be friends with someone who was an OW. Causing so much pain, destruction and devastation so so many innocent peoples lives.
MimiDaisy11 · 17/07/2021 09:13

Surely even between strangers you expect some level of decency regardless of vows etc. I don’t get how for some on this thread the other person gets a pass.

booboo24 · 17/07/2021 09:14

I know this isn't standard MN thinking but to me, they're as bad as the husband. They may not be married to the wife but it doesn't mean therefore that their moral standard should be lower. All this, she's just as much a victim garbage winds me up too!! I could never do it, and if any of my friends did I would cut the friendship. Obviously I'm not including those other women who were lied to and therefore didn't know the man was in a relationship

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/07/2021 09:26

The main proportion of the blame lies with the person breaking their lifetime vows.

The other party isn’t innocent and I couldn’t be friends with somebody that knowingly was involved with a married person.

Where children are involved, it’s rarely a good outcome from what I’ve witnessed . So many go on to let the affair partner exclude the children, create a new family etc.

Thewookiemustgo · 17/07/2021 10:44

My husband was totally to blame for his affair, but his affair partner, living with her partner and also cheating, knowing my husband was married, was to blame for choosing to continue the relationship and hurting and deceiving her own partner whilst helping my husband deceive me and our children. Those were her choices and hers alone to make. She was not to blame for his choices to cheat on me, he was, but she was accountable for her choices to actively help him.

As to what kind of women they are, I think there are as many kinds of affair partner as there are women. They might have low self esteem or be very confident, who knows? There isn’t a ‘type’ as such.
The only thing they seem to have in common is that they are happy to get what they want by lying and deceiving. The reasons for lying and deceiving or ‘type’ of woman is irrelevant.

I just think that when you get to the point in life where you think that getting what you want by lying and deceit outweighs the wellbeing and mental health of others and especially their children, you need to have a long hard look at yourself.

HardyCamellia · 17/07/2021 12:37

@Ladybug123 I didn’t blame the cheated-on partner. My point was that a marriage is not the responsibility of any third party. If someone is married then that’s their responsibility - they chose it. And if they cheat, that’s on them.

You made quite a few big jumps there, to implying that I think a wife just needs to cook more, shouting about affairs happening in happy marriages and thinking that that might somehow make me feel ‘unsafe’, as well as assuming that I’ve never been cheated on. There’s really no need. You don’t know anything about me 🙄

I do think meh at quite a few of the tropes on here. They often don’t make sense, and the “blame the other woman” one is so deeply sexist that it’s difficult to take seriously.