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Original poster

What are your thoughts on women who knowingly have affairs with married men?

232 replies

champagnetasting · 15/07/2021 11:21

And those men who have young children/ children with SN. Does it make these women any different in your opinion ?
But first, I need to say that I have never blamed OW for my exh affair or departure. That's totally on him .
Just wondered ....

OP posts:
ThePurplePalace · 15/07/2021 19:33

Always at the married party’s door for me.

OW & OM only exist if those married folk are either too weak to resist or too cowardice to end their failing marriage.

StrongArm · 15/07/2021 19:33

I think there are a lot of men who lie

Who tell the OW their marriage is over and they are separated but still living in the same house and awaiting divorce/sorting out finances

If I had a £1 for every man who told me that story on OLD and friends who told me they had met a man in that situation

Don't underestimate how many lies are told - how their wife doesn't understand them, how the OW gets them totally, how they've been wanting to leave for years, the wife won't sleep with him etc etc etc

baldafrique · 15/07/2021 19:38

Hence why they are naive and/or gullible!

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 15/07/2021 19:39

I fully expect alot of married people lie to the person they are having an affair with.

And if the OW/OM genuinely thought they were single, judging them wouldn't be right, imo.

But if you believe the marriage is over 'in all but name' or believe the 'we don't sleep together' and get involved you are choosing to be the ow/OM. You could say 'I don't want involved until you end the relationship properly'. You still know the person is in a relationship.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 15/07/2021 19:41

I hardly know anyone who is divorced because their husband had an affair. In fact, of my close friends, only 2 are divorced and in both cases it was because the marriage just faded, and they are both still very good friends with their ex husband. Maybe it's a generational thing. I'm in my 50s and only one person in my social circle has discovered that her dh was having an affair. She's not a close friend so we've never really discussed it, but after kicking her dh out initially, she took him back. He was having an affair for 7 years so not just a fling, but she managed to get past that.

I suspect I live in a middle class, middle aged bubble though.

Doublestar · 15/07/2021 19:42

Well if I were the throwing-blame-kind, Id put about as much blame on OW as I would the wife for not realizing something was off about her marriage

Congratulations - this is probably the dumbest thing I've ever read on MN 👏

AnastasiaBeverleyHills · 15/07/2021 19:43

I was left for the OW. I hold no malice towards her. I get on quite well with her and she is now my children's step mother. I don't believe she is scum or any such thing. I also agree with the posters who have said that there are so many reasons for affairs it's hard to tar everyone with the same brush. I also had many years of therapy afterwards and see that there were huge red flags in our marriage but I was blind to them, as, I suspect a lot of women are when they say "everything was great" before the affair. Obviously this is not always the case but a lot of time we become complacent and don't see the problems when they occur. I am very happy in my life now, althoug hit had been a long time since the break up. Life is not black and white. If you think it is and you are screaming about OW not having empathy/being sociopaths then so be it but how many times do we see "I never thought it would happen to me" A lot of the posters NC but I often wonder are these the same people who said they would walk out immediately and now they are trying ot save their marriages. Human emotion is complex. No one knows what anyone else is going through. Sometimes, even with people who may hurt us, we have to try to be kind. And yes, you can say "but they weren't kind" well so be it. You can still choose kindness.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 15/07/2021 19:46

Sparechange, I've 'known' two. Both from MN. Both were really sad and desperate to get out of a relationship that they knew was just not going to bring anything other than pain for them and wider devastation if found out. I got out myself and, having been there, could see it from their perspective and was a listening ear. I hope they're out the other side now.

I wouldn't do that for any OW/OM wanting a 'glee club' as you so flippantly put it.

Aspiringmatriarch · 15/07/2021 19:48

I'm not sure really. I think it's a horrible thing to do, but a close friend of mine did this more than once. Nearly lost the friendship as I couldn't stand what she was doing but I've become less judgemental over time as I can see she was acting out some of her own issues (and was a moth to a flame to a certain type of weak male character). It's wrong, but I think often the OW in that situation is being manipulated. Really sorry this happened to you though. Flowers

Cooldryplace · 15/07/2021 19:57

All but one of the OW I know were married themselves. I don't recognise the picture of the wanton woman with nothing to lose.

That sounds like I know loads and perhaps I do. I worked for a long time in a high pressure industry with a lot of hospitality, that's definitely a factor, but I'm old so my experience is over a lot of years.

I would have taken a much harder line when I was younger, but now I think most people who have affairs are decent people who made some poor decisions at a bit of a low point in life and got into something they couldn't easily get out of. I think most genuinely hope it will all work out without the spouses needing to know and therefore not getting hurt. I don't think any of them set out to hurt. Misguided yes, but not intentionally nasty.

Emmelina · 15/07/2021 19:58

If she knows and doesn’t reject/actively pursued him, she’s just as culpable.

SmokeyDevil · 15/07/2021 20:01

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Sparechange, I don't know any OW like that; I certainly wasn't like it myself. I can't imagine what the gloating achieved either? I can't understand purposely wanting to cause pain, it's bad enough to do it through selfish actions but, the actions you describe, they're abhorrent.

I don't think that most affairs are discovered or even known about, they're covert for good reason. Perhaps if they stayed that way they'd cause less hurt all round. Better still that they didn't happen in the first place.

How do you know for sure you weren't like that? You could have said things as the OW that did hurt the wife and you didn't know about it. Really, you shagging her husband hurt her, so you did deliberately hurt her. You knew you were shagging someone else's husband, but you only cared about your own feelings, you didn't care about hers.

Plus, people who are nasty tend not to know or realise they are being nasty, they sometimes even think they are being helpful. For all we know, that happened to you too, the delusion of thinking you are not doing anything wrong.

rubbletrouble · 15/07/2021 20:04

As a wife, I would never blame the other woman, I hate all this nonsense of it was her fault or she was just as much to blame, NO, your trust is with him, blame him 100%.

A friend of mine had a couple of encounters with married men, I did used to say to her Karna will bite her in the arse when she's married,
But if she liked a man, we were young and she just went for what she wanted. She wouldn't do it now we are a little bit wiser.

Rainandspirit · 15/07/2021 20:05

While o lay the blame firmly at the feet of my exhusband . I do think that the ow shares some blame . She knowly had an affair with a man that was married and had kids . And when I can she knew he was married . Her daughter and my daughter were friends . Different if they didn’t know the other was married .

Ladybug123 · 15/07/2021 20:10

I loathe these types of threads.

But just because m, hell why not, I have ZERO sympathy for women who get involved with married men. Not because of the pain it causes the wife or partner but because of the damage it causes the children in the family. The children see the innocent parents traumatised and in shock, the cheating parent absent and absorbed with their affair, sometimes it leads to children being left as the cheating partner leaves or is kicked out, they suffer. Any women who can do that to another woman’s children is awful imho!

Yes yes the man had the responsibility to the marriage but these women cheerlead from the sides.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 15/07/2021 20:13

SmokeyDevil at no point did I not realise I was doing wrong, I knew it. The point I'm making is that, unlike the OW that Sparechange refers to, who were glorying in hurting and causing upset, that wasn't me.

I don't care if you believe that or not, no random on a chatboard is cognisant of what happens between two people or why it does. To the best of my knowledge, my affair partner's wife didn't find out. I'm not naive enough to think that she wouldn't have noticed changes in the relationship but, I was quite young, single and very stupid, thought I was invincible. He was very much older and I was awestruck.

Wrong on every level and not to be repeated. His vows though, not mine.

frogface69 · 15/07/2021 20:18

If it’s there on a plate I don’t think many men would say no.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 15/07/2021 20:24

@frogface69

If it’s there on a plate I don’t think many men would say no.
Why do these lousy men not love and care enough for their wives and families to say 'no'? Not that difficult, is it?

I understand it makes you feel better to think of these poor, stalked and seduced men as hapless and daft... instead of what they are which is faithless cheats who think so little of their wives and children that the risk of losing them is worth it.

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 15/07/2021 20:24

@frogface69

If it’s there on a plate I don’t think many men would say no.
If a man can't say no when any woman offers sex, they had no business getting into a monogamous relationship in the first place. And they should be upfront with their partner/Spouse.

I am not a fan of OW and wouldn't be friends with someone who, knowingly, was one. But them offering sez doesn't not mean the men must take them up on it.

Pogacar · 15/07/2021 20:29

Scummy, horrible, selfish women are the only ones who do this. Usually with chronically low self-esteem. Absolutely desperate for attention. Yuck. The cheating husband is usually pathetic, unable to think without his dick and would go with anyone available.

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 15/07/2021 20:31

I know a few women who chase married men. Silly cows.

I knew a few married men who respond positively to affairs. Stupid fuckers.

They're all vile losers.

AutumnColours9 · 15/07/2021 20:31

I think they're selfish and have emotional problems. True of all the ones I know.

StormBaby · 15/07/2021 20:32

I’m always flabbergasted that people don’t realise that your affair partner isn’t your soulmate. It won’t be a happy ever after. Even ten years later you’ll. both be looking over you shoulder all the time.

A proper, true relationship would never start that way. The relationship will end eventually in the same way it started, because all you have done is created a vacancy for another OW.

Ladybug123 · 15/07/2021 20:36

@StormBaby

I’m always flabbergasted that people don’t realise that your affair partner isn’t your soulmate. It won’t be a happy ever after. Even ten years later you’ll. both be looking over you shoulder all the time.

A proper, true relationship would never start that way. The relationship will end eventually in the same way it started, because all you have done is created a vacancy for another OW.

Totally! It’s not soulmatism/twu-luv/kismet it’s much much darker and murkier than that.
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 15/07/2021 20:40

...all you have done is created a vacancy for another OW.

This is such a silly statement. Where was the 'vacancy' for an OW in the first place?

I don't rate Goldsmith-the-philanderer and misogynist as any sort of philosopher myself but, some must as I read this nonsense on so many threads. It's usually tied in somewhere with 'karma'.

This same thread title appeared last week and was deleted. Odd that it's appeared again, it's catnip for some. I'll leave it there.