What are your thoughts on women who knowingly have affairs with married men?

[champagnetasting]

And those men who have young children/ children with SN. Does it make these women any different in your opinion ?
But first, I need to say that I have never blamed OW for my exh affair or departure. That's totally on him .
Just wondered ....

alongside those cheating wankers

Sometimes the real problem and blame can lie within the marriage and not without.

Along the lines of Sampafies point, a good friend of mine has just ended her marriage by having a ONS. The man involved absolutely knew she was married.

I’m quite close to the family and the impression I have is that the ONLY man responsible for the ending of the marriage is the DH. He has been an appalling husband and father since the birth of their second and deserves to receive the vitriol that, according to this thread, should be directed at the affair partner.

But in most cases, we can’t know, so shouldn’t judge.

When my ex dp cheated on me I must admit I hated him and the OW equally. She was a friend of mine…she’d come round for coffee and chats etc and we took our DC swimming together every weekend…all the while she was sleeping with my dp.
She was totally aware of what she was doing. She was fine with splitting up a family. She enjoyed befriending me and spending time with me knowing I was unaware of what was going on.
Looking back (20 odd years) I’m so thankful she took that lazy, pathetic, man child off my hands…but I will NEVER forgive either of them for the birthdays, Christmas’, summer holidays, mother’s days etc that I’ve had to miss with my DD because of them.

I think that’s something people don’t think about when they start affairs with someone that has children…the mother/father (who is being cheated on) loses their partner and then their children for 50% of the rest of their lives (I know it’s sometimes less or more) That is what makes my blood boil.

Knowingly getting involved with someone who is married is wrong.

Wait for the person to divorce or separate. Don’t be a catalyst in the breakdown.

When I said I totally blame the OW I didn't mean I don't blame the MM.

but I think the OW is not an innocent party and free of all blame.

I am talking about women who knowingly have affairs with married men here.

MorrisZap, did it not cause a lot of heartache when your mum left with OM?

My FIL left MIL for OW, seeing the repercussions of the fall out that it caused it sounds like a pretty horrific time, my SIL's relationships are still influenced by that period in her life. DH was really traumatised by it too.

Disclaimer I dearly love all three FIL, MIL and SMIL but god they behaved really badly around that time, FIL mostly and both dragging their teen DC into it and SMIL turning up to be introduced to SIL the night before an important university exam heavily pregnant.

He's worse but she's not blameless. She made a choice. It's immoral.

Totally don't get it.

I think there are all kinds of situations out there and there is no one kind of OW or OM.

There are of course single women who flirt and like the game of seducing a married man. Often it happens in work place or wherever people come in regular contact.
But of course - as often as not - it’s the men who take initiative and do the chasing and seducing. Because of ego, libido and boredom. Or availability and proximity.

But all of that is still just one kind of affairs. There are plenty among people who don’t ‘target’ each other. Both could be married. Or be in disfunctional relationships. Or sexless. There are many reasons people end up having affairs. Not all do it for reckless fun purposes. Some end up there out of unhappiness and being stuck in relationships

It is easy to judge the person who flirted with your spouse. But at the same time - it’s your spouse who decided to marry and forsake all others. That clause included resisting temptation of whoever flirted with them.

I think when people are married even if there is an attraction you leave well alone.
It's so awful for the person left and children.
Shocks me how many women/men justify it.

@Shodan

TBH, I find some of the rhetoric around this subject totally over the top- absolute scumbags/trash/low self esteem/lacking decency etc. I think sweeping generalisations like that are as ridiculous as, for instance, "all people who say things like that are of limited intelligence and empathy".

While I do agree that there are some women who deliberately target married men, I don't agree that all women who have affairs with married men are in the same category. I also don't believe that they're all lacking self esteem or bad people to their core, or anything else along those lines.

Put simply, it's impossible to have a one-view-fits-all mentality- human beings are complex creatures, with many varied and nuanced reasons for having affairs. I wouldn't judge a man OR a woman harshly, were they to have an affair with a married person, unless I knew ALL of the details of their marriage -which, of course, is not possible unless you are one of the two partners of that marriage.

What a wonderful get out clause for causing harm to another human being.

Basically if someone is in a marriage you put a stop to any selfish feelings of wanting the relationship to progress.

It's basic manners.

Selfish and stupid. Do they really think that man will be faithful to them in their turn?

@Shodan I agree.

There was a thread on this a few weeks ago

I’ll say again what I said then

I think they are utter scum. Insecure, needy, desperate and damaged but scum nonetheless

I would cut contact with anyone in my social circle who knowingly had an affair, and think an awful lot less of anyone in the circle who didn’t do the same

I've known 5, two of them set out to split up marriages with children involved. I dump them like a hot potato. They are 50% responsible; lets not deny women agency. We aren't helpless children.

@MorrisZapp

My mum left my dad for his best friend. All three are kind, loving people who have contributed untold amounts to their own family and to their community.

My mum and my dad were never very well suited. They've both been married to their second spouses for three times as long as they were married to each other.

If anyone wants to slut shame my 78 year old mother then here I am, do your worst.

In the context of this thread though, it would be your mums now partner, her affair partner, that we would be judging. He was best friends with her husband, and yet still decided to sleep with his wife. If they both loved each other that much, why not split up with their partners first and then get together?

Having an affair is wrong and can cause a great deal of hurt to the other person. A man up here killed himself because his wife cheated on him, and that has happened to others. Would you be as understanding of your mums actions if your dad had taken it that badly and committed suicide?

@Sampafie

If you read the affair discovery threads on here, more often than not, the wife will say there is nothing ‘off’ about the marriage, or if they do notice anything, it’s in the final weeks before discovery when the husband has made up his mind to leave and has stopped bothering to hide it.

People in affairs are able to compartmentalise and keep the facade of a happy home, while having their affair.
It’s absolutely absurd to think a wife should be on red alert at all times to any tiny sign of change in case it means an affair.

Not to mention that whenever anyone says they are going to snoop through a phone or email, they are told they are being ‘controlling’ or ‘abusive’ and ‘the trust is all gone’

@frazzledasarock

Oh I totally blame the OW for having the affair too.

I really dislike the MN stance of well she didn't owe you anything, we all owe it to each other to treat one another how we would like be treated. The OW is complicit in the break up of a marriage.

Although frankly I didn't mind at all in my case as ex was a horrifically abusive monster, it was only when OW decided to write to court to say ex's abuse was fifty percent my fault, that I felt anything for her. Mostly utter revulsion.

I totally agree. We all owe it to each other to be decent human beings to one another. Its not just the married party's fault, its definitely on the affair partner equally as much.

Having an affair is wrong and can cause a great deal of hurt to the other person. A man up here killed himself because his wife cheated on him, and that has happened to others. Would you be as understanding of your mums actions if your dad had taken it that badly and committed suicide?

But you have no idea if that's why he killed himself. Perhaps he'd had issues for years that made him impossible to live with. Maybe he'd controlled his wife for years by threatening suicide. Perhaps he was wracked with guilt over the way he had behaved that led to his wife leaving. Perhaps it was unrelated at all. It's highly unlikely to be all down to one thing.

It's wrong, of course it is, but you have no idea what goes on in others' lives, even those close to you.

@Cooldryplace

Having an affair is wrong and can cause a great deal of hurt to the other person. A man up here killed himself because his wife cheated on him, and that has happened to others. Would you be as understanding of your mums actions if your dad had taken it that badly and committed suicide?

But you have no idea if that's why he killed himself. Perhaps he'd had issues for years that made him impossible to live with. Maybe he'd controlled his wife for years by threatening suicide. Perhaps he was wracked with guilt over the way he had behaved that led to his wife leaving. Perhaps it was unrelated at all. It's highly unlikely to be all down to one thing.

It's wrong, of course it is, but you have no idea what goes on in others' lives, even those close to you.

Or perhaps its because his wife was out shagging other people and he was humiliated by it, like women get when their husbands cheat?

But no blame the man of course.

My gut reaction to married men coming on to me (hazard of the school yard) is to feel insulted and a bit defensive. It’s not unlike the feeling of being targeted by a bully - I instinctively wonder what weakness is on show.

I don’t know why I don’t feel flattered. I’m inclined to imagine that you’d have to be in a very bad place or have low self esteem to be tempted by a weasel. So my reaction to someone who has been targeted by a married man is largely pity.

On the other hand I’ve also had the experience of women flirting with dh, even in front of me, and that elicits a very different kind of reaction. But if he were interested in someone like that, I don’t think I could bear to be with him. I’d feel sullied but the association.

If the ow is genuinely unaware that he’s married, I would consider her a victim too. But if she still wanted to be with him I’d think her standards were very low.

@Cooldryplace

Having an affair is wrong and can cause a great deal of hurt to the other person. A man up here killed himself because his wife cheated on him, and that has happened to others. Would you be as understanding of your mums actions if your dad had taken it that badly and committed suicide?

But you have no idea if that's why he killed himself. Perhaps he'd had issues for years that made him impossible to live with. Maybe he'd controlled his wife for years by threatening suicide. Perhaps he was wracked with guilt over the way he had behaved that led to his wife leaving. Perhaps it was unrelated at all. It's highly unlikely to be all down to one thing.

It's wrong, of course it is, but you have no idea what goes on in others' lives, even those close to you.

God people tie themselves in excuses knots to minimise the damage of affairs

I’ve seen 2 people absolutely destroyed by their OH cheating

Overnight they went for stable, together, secure individuals to total wrecks
One lost 2 stone in 2 weeks, became a total recluse, couldn’t function

The other had a breakdown, lost her job, barely kept it together for their DS.

Neither had any hint of MH problems before, thought they were in a stable marriage to someone who was a classic Mr Nice Guy

Both times, the man walked off with barely a look over his shoulder and treated them like absolute garbage

If they didn’t have sole charge of their children, it wouldn’t remotely surprise me if either had taken their own lives

My BIL also took his own life when his marriage broke down. No one else involved but he went from being totally together one month to dead the next because he couldn’t cope with what was happening

So it’s bullshit to think that suicide means there must have been existing problems going on in the background

Totally blame the other woman for continuing even though they knew the man was married.

In my case the OW was also married but looking for a happier relationship/marriage. She expected my DH to leave me and exploited his mental breakdown, making herself part of his fantasy. What she wanted was to move herself and her kids to what she believed to be a new and better existance and so she set out to get that, bugger the consequences.

No doubt her demands exacerbated his mental health issues.

I'm not deluded, I knew there was something off for the 6 months he was having the affair and for the few months before it started. I tried hard to get to the root of the problem, to support and help him. If I'm to blame also, then so be it, but I can't see what more I could have done.

He's had extensive therapy and medical support from the GP and is in a much better place than he was. We're OK and somehow managed to survive.

She can burn in hell for all I care.

For those who are accepting of affairs and OW, now divorce is legal in the UK, what would stop the supposedly unhappy partner from ending their marriage and treating their spouse with respect then beginning a new relationship without the deception?

‘
Maybe they like the excitement of an affair without the boring bits of a relationship. I've never had an affair, am totally committed to my dh, but I can see that for someone who is single, the idea of a "no strings" relationship where you get the "fun" stuff without the mundane is quite attractive.’

Yes. Plus they don’t want to text all day and night.