Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner won't pay, heavily pregnant

284 replies

hattmancockk · 08/07/2021 19:21

I've been with my partner 2 years and recently moved in, heavily pregnant now and still paying everything.

Tried and tried and tried. Today I tried some more and was called a cow, nasty, horrible woman even though I've paid everything until now (I do have family money) -have de camped to the spare room as BP sky high. I just want to protect my little baby now but am in complete turmoil as do love the man and he will be a good daddy. I don't know if I can do this on my own as I suffer depression, lingering from a breakdown 2 years ago.

I am not money orientated if that's what it seems like.

OP posts:
felulageller · 08/07/2021 19:22

Ltb

And don't co register the birth

Backhills · 08/07/2021 19:23

He won't be a good daddy if he plans to sponge off his child's mother indefinitely.

He moves out until you come to a suitable arrangement about living costs and how he's going to support his child IMO.

romdowa · 08/07/2021 19:24

If its your house , get him out! He can be a good dad but he doesn't sound like a good partner.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/07/2021 19:25

What make you think he'll be a good father if he 's so nasty to you now?

WeatherwaxOn · 08/07/2021 19:25

Protect your unborn child by ending tid relationship. I can't see what he is bringing to it.

Didiusfalco · 08/07/2021 19:25

He’s verbally abusing you because you’ve asked him to stop freeloading? He’s not a good person and he won’t be a good dad.

Original poster
hattmancockk · 08/07/2021 19:26

It's easy to say but as I said I do suffer from depression and am pregnant with his baby :( I get upset then he gives me a massage and attention and pathetically I feel better.

Today I confronted him and he said it was my fault as I had hidden the only 2 bills I wanted him to pay when I had twice got them out and sent him photos of them, filed them in labelled files. He smokes 20 a day and drinks heavily too.

OP posts:
Original poster
hattmancockk · 08/07/2021 19:28

I'm renting this house after a messy divorce and obviously pay the rent but his name is on the tenancy as the agency said any adult who lived here had to be named.

Apart from leaving him, I want to know how I can salvage things as I'm a complete soft touch and I want my little girl to have a Daddy

OP posts:
romdowa · 08/07/2021 19:29

@hattmancockk

It's easy to say but as I said I do suffer from depression and am pregnant with his baby :( I get upset then he gives me a massage and attention and pathetically I feel better.

Today I confronted him and he said it was my fault as I had hidden the only 2 bills I wanted him to pay when I had twice got them out and sent him photos of them, filed them in labelled files. He smokes 20 a day and drinks heavily too.

Sounds like this guy would depress anybody with the way he treats you. I do hope that someday you'll get the strength to see that you deserve better than this and so does your baby
PiccalilliChilli · 08/07/2021 19:29

Get rid. If it's your house/you rent it chuck him out, then change the locks.

Unanananana · 08/07/2021 19:30

Is this the life you want for your child? A drinking, smoking, verbally abusive father? Is that what you want for yourself? He will not be a good daddy.

God knows why you would choose to have a baby with a cocklodger. You need to protect your child.

MotionActivatedDog · 08/07/2021 19:31

Stop kidding yourself- He’ll be a shit dad. Everyone reading this can see that. You can too but you’re afraid to admit it.

PiccalilliChilli · 08/07/2021 19:31

Ignore my last post. Written after your update OP. Flowers

Backhills · 08/07/2021 19:31

How many time when he makes you feel better is it him that upset you in the first place?

You can pay for a massage with everything you save by not supporting him.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 08/07/2021 19:31

Did he help to make the baby?
Did he do anything to prevent making the baby?

If the answers are yes and no, then he pays his share proportional to what you both earn.

During your mat leave you should not be using savings or other money to keep you afloat while you’re not earning as much as you would be.

If he doesn’t get this he’s either thick or an arsehole. Neither of those make a good dad or partner.

Please see what he’s doing - he’s made the baby 100% your responsibility financially. He will also make it practically 100% your responsibility and him making silly faces at the baby on his way out the door doesn’t make him a good dad.

Being a mature and responsible man who pulls his weight in all areas and cares about the welfare of the baby’s mum makes someone a good dad.

Abuse often starts or Ramps up during pregnancy. Looks like this is what’s happening to you if you haven’t seen this side of him before. He’ll get jealous of the baby taking attention away from him, will make sure you’re exhausted by never giving you a moment to yourself and then you’ll be truly stuck as you won’t have the money or energy to leave.

Please do the best for your baby and yourself and get out now. This is. Not. A. Good. Man

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 08/07/2021 19:33

Your little girl will have a daddy. A shit one by the sound of it. But unfortunately he’ll always be her daddy.

He won’t want to financially contribute to her life but I’m sure he’ll proudly show photos of her to his mates down the pub every night while you’re at home looking after her.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 08/07/2021 19:34

You can’t salvage things if he doesn’t want to.

Start preparing for a life for you and your baby, you can manage, it will probably be easier without him as he’s the one creating all the stress

choli · 08/07/2021 19:34

If you moved in with him, what is the 'everything' that you are paying?

Did you discuss how this would be financed before TTC? If so, and he reneged, I'd cut my losses and get out now. He won't improve.

BroccoliStinksOfAss · 08/07/2021 19:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
hattmancockk · 08/07/2021 19:39

Thank you everyone it's so so hard.

When I say I moved in with him, I fell pregnant and got a house and he moved from his parents to mine/our new house.

OP posts:
Original poster
hattmancockk · 08/07/2021 19:40

And yes! I did a completely fair spreadsheet and put the bills in front of him ffs!

OP posts:
Onthemaintrunkline · 08/07/2021 19:40

He’s perfected his behaviour over time, what you see is what you’re going to continue getting. It won’t change, why should it whilst he’s got you to abuse…financially as well as all other ways. A good Daddy you’ve got to be kidding!

Puffalicious · 08/07/2021 19:40

@BroccoliStinksOfAss

Jesus
Yup.
User0ne · 08/07/2021 19:42

Well the last thing you're going to need with a new baby is a freeloader on tow.

And I don't imagine his (unjustified) insults are doing much for your mental health either.

Personally I'd tell him to move out as it isn't working. When he can pay his share and treat you with respect you might reconsider.

MenaiMna · 08/07/2021 19:42

Go to landlord and ask to renew the lease in your name only. On the new lease date ask for locks to change (offer to pay if you can) and don't give him access (keys, invite him in etc). Don't tell him until the day and leave his stuff outside while he's out. Much cheaper to spend money on massages than pay for them with abuse and dangerously high blood pressure. As pp say, don't put him on the birth cert. As my best ever therapist told me: "when it's as bad as it can get- choose change - because at least it's a different bad and your brain can try something new". It worked for me...in other lessons I found it was important when you've done the change to not dwell on the mental place where you were unhappy - be in the new mindset even if it's a sad one. It's probably better even if you can't see it immediately. Life is short don't box yourself in to bad situations.