Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner won't pay, heavily pregnant

284 replies

hattmancockk · 08/07/2021 19:21

I've been with my partner 2 years and recently moved in, heavily pregnant now and still paying everything.

Tried and tried and tried. Today I tried some more and was called a cow, nasty, horrible woman even though I've paid everything until now (I do have family money) -have de camped to the spare room as BP sky high. I just want to protect my little baby now but am in complete turmoil as do love the man and he will be a good daddy. I don't know if I can do this on my own as I suffer depression, lingering from a breakdown 2 years ago.

I am not money orientated if that's what it seems like.

OP posts:
Bythemillpond · 11/07/2021 23:58

Why is he backwards and forwards

If you are such a nasty person why is he even speaking to you.

Original poster
hattmancockk · 12/07/2021 03:31

I'm a bit shocked that people wouldn't think this was real Sad look, I've emotionally detached it's just hard to get rid of him now and I want to grieve and move forward without him.

Yes I did have a thread earlier in the pregnancy but this could have been someone else also.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 12/07/2021 05:43

I've emotionally detached it's just hard to get rid of him now and I want to grieve and move forward without him.

You need him in your life like a fish needs a bicycle.

If there are any belongings of his in the house, bag them all and put them outside. Tell him to pick them up by X date or they will be disposed of. Throw them out if they're not picked up.

Then please, please make sure you immediately block this 'man' on SM and on your phone. He doesn't get a second chance to pick up his stuff. He doesn't get a chance to play you as he has before. He is going to be angry when he starts to realise that what he has done before (leave and then wait for you to beg him to come back) won't work. You can expect threats, some kind of crisis that he can't deal with, maybe even threats of suicide, tears, sentimental nonsense about the baby, and his family pitching in to pressure you. If you have him blocked, you won't have to deal with any of this.

Ask your LL to change the locks as soon as possible and to take him off the lease. Explain the relationship is over due to abuse.

Newestname001 · 12/07/2021 06:05

I hope you find the strength to permanently get rid of this person who a) saw you coming, b) is sucking you dry emotionally and financially and c) sounds highly unlikely to become a good daddy to your baby and d) totally disrespects you.

What example are you setting for your other 19 year old child of what a good, equal relationship looks like - especially after a messy divorce you've already gone through.

I also sincerely hope you have NO plans to marry this leech - financially it only gets worse from there as he'll have a legal right to your cash, inheritance, settlement from your current divorce, business, any house you buy, pension ....

Find the self-respect and strength to get rid of him by rereading this thread and from other people in your life who can give you some support. Take care, @hattmancockk. 🌹

Original poster
hattmancockk · 12/07/2021 07:52

Thank you. At the moment I just need sleep as I feel like I'm in a living hell. His game now is trying to tell me I'm crazy and he is going to call my doctor. So I am being as level as possible whilst trying to rest but just can't sleep at night at all, I can sleep during the day when he is not here.

OP posts:
Bythemillpond · 12/07/2021 08:12

hattmancockk

Aaaaah the You have realised I’m a tosser so you must be mental

The only one looking mental here is him

You don’t have to deal with him

Block him on everything.

Get him off the lease. And don’t what ever you do name him on the birth certificate
Otherwise you will never get rid of him

Footle · 12/07/2021 08:33

@Bythemillpond , did you mean to write what you just wrote?

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/07/2021 08:40

He can’t do that, the dr can invite you for an appt but the threshold for interventions pretty high.

When dh had a breakdown I rang the out of hours but they spoke to him.

The doctors will have seen this scenario played out before too & will know his game.

You can ring the police for support getting him out, he has no right to squat in your house and pg women are vulnerable.

nellly · 12/07/2021 08:44

You're doing the right thing, please don't let him back. I was the little girl in your scenario and having a Dad who abuses Mum taught me that's how normal relationships work. I got into an abusive relationship as an adult and it was incredibly hard to get out of. I needed therapy and help from women's aid. Please don't do that to your baby, show her that women are strong and don't deserve to be abused. You can do this! And you will be an amazing mum on your own without this loser dragging you down

Bythemillpond · 12/07/2021 08:44

Footle

Why?

LIZS · 12/07/2021 08:49

He is abusive and nasty, gaslighting and undermining you, he will never make a good father to your baby no matter how hard you try to meet his demands. Please tell him to go and contact Women's Aid and police if he is difficult.

Footle · 13/07/2021 07:43

@Bythemillpond , I'm so sorry, I misread your post.

Bythemillpond · 13/07/2021 10:45

Footle
I have a lot of friends who have ex’s who have thrown around the mentally unfit accusation when they realise they are going to lose control.
I think it is a standard accusation that you would have to be mentally unwell to not think they are Gods gift.

billy1966 · 13/07/2021 10:46

OP,

You want an abusive man to be your childs father?

Poor child is all I can write.

What a childhood this poor baby is going to have with this awful abusive man in it.

Instead of thinking of yourself, this loser, how about you think of the poor baby who certainly didn't ask to be brought into a relationship like this?

You owe it to this baby to keep him out of your home.

EKGEMS · 13/07/2021 10:57

@hattmancockk As a registered nurse I promise you if that bastard called your doctor to tell him you "are crazy" it would not reflect negatively on you it would reflect on him. It's the same old shitty threats abusive people use to frighten we n and control you.

EKGEMS · 13/07/2021 10:57

"Frighten and control you"

Original poster
hattmancockk · 13/07/2021 11:00

Thank you.

My biggest fear that night was that he was colluding with his mother to claim I am unfit so they can take the baby. I'm trying so hard to keep a grip and coping ok just looking after myself as much as possible.

My midwife is well aware too.

OP posts:
MummBraTheEverLeaking · 13/07/2021 11:06

So we have....

Freeloading cocklodger
Wastes all YOUR money on booze and fags
Abusive
When you finally get rid of him he threatens you with telling the doctor you're crazy, most likely in the hope you'll panic and take him back, scared that the doctor will believe him and you'll have your baby taken off you, so he's a gaslighting shit too.

Do the freedom program, don't put him on the birth certificate and don't dare give her his last name. You will be kicking yourself down the line if you do, guaranteed.

Speak to the doctor yourself that you've left an abusive relationship so they have it on record.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 13/07/2021 11:08

Good that the midwife is aware, does she have this on record too?

Bythemillpond · 13/07/2021 11:12

If he won’t pay for anything then why would he pay for a child?
He is abusive as well. It isn’t a good start to showing how better a parent he would make. He would also have an uphill battle if you don’t put him on the birth certificate.
Make sure when you go into labour the hospital know that him and his mother are not to come in because of his abuse.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate

VettiyaIruken · 13/07/2021 11:12

You say you can sleep during the day when he's not here.
Do you mean he's back in the house at night?

Bollindger · 13/07/2021 11:27

Your doing so well.
The mother bear will kick in once you have your darling baby.
Please hold tight, and leave him at home with his mummy.

Redruby2020 · 13/07/2021 21:54

[quote EKGEMS]@hattmancockk As a registered nurse I promise you if that bastard called your doctor to tell him you "are crazy" it would not reflect negatively on you it would reflect on him. It's the same old shitty threats abusive people use to frighten we n and control you. [/quote]
So true!
It's like classic text book lines!
My ex went through all the steps, then started the 'you are sick in the head' 🙄 line. Then threats to report me for various things, at first it got to me, and then I reported him myself 😁
Even on the day he was nicked he text me saying 'I am going to the police station to report everything' not sure what his everything was. But they certainly got an account of my 'everything', and later that day I got a call to say he had been arrested. Then when he was bailed with conditions, he then rang a relative and said give her my new number as police had taken his phone, and then said tell her if she doesn't contact me, I'm getting a solicitor, woo big deal 😆

Bythemillpond · 14/07/2021 09:59

I always wonder if abusive men realise they are speaking from a script.

Surely they must realise they are so predictable

mathanxiety · 15/07/2021 05:17

His game now is trying to tell me I'm crazy and he is going to call my doctor.
Don't worry, your doctor has heard it all before. Not that he's going to do this of course. He is bluffing.

So I am being as level as possible whilst trying to rest but just can't sleep at night at all, I can sleep during the day when he is not here.
Is he there at night?

Swipe left for the next trending thread