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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner won't pay, heavily pregnant

284 replies

hattmancockk · 08/07/2021 19:21

I've been with my partner 2 years and recently moved in, heavily pregnant now and still paying everything.

Tried and tried and tried. Today I tried some more and was called a cow, nasty, horrible woman even though I've paid everything until now (I do have family money) -have de camped to the spare room as BP sky high. I just want to protect my little baby now but am in complete turmoil as do love the man and he will be a good daddy. I don't know if I can do this on my own as I suffer depression, lingering from a breakdown 2 years ago.

I am not money orientated if that's what it seems like.

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 08/07/2021 21:42

Abusive partners don’t tend to make ‘good daddies.’ In fact, their abuse tends to ramp up even further as they know you are trapped. If you make him leave, I would suggest doing the freedom programme, or perhaps some counselling, to better understand why you have tolerated then become pregnant to this man who treats you so badly.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/07/2021 21:44

He'll be a shit Dad op

He's verbally agressive to his child's mother.
He isn't prepared to financially support her
He works part time and drinks heavily - so he's not going to be interested in night feeds or early wake ups.
He's a selfish man child who has lived off his parents and now will love live off you. Give notice on the tenancy, pack your stuff whilst he's out and leave.

jellybe · 08/07/2021 21:45

OP get rid of him.
He will NOT be a good daddy. If he can't show the mother of his child respect then he will be a poor father to your child.

You don't sound like you are financially dependent on him which is good. Give your notice on the tenancy and move out. If he can't cover the rent tough he will have to find a way to without you.

Hoppinggreen · 08/07/2021 21:46

@hattmancockk

And yes I have an inheritance and a small business that ticks over while I'm out of action. Plus a divorce settlement.

Well he saw you coming didn’t he? Get rid ASAP Before he drains you completely both mentally and financially

Tomuch · 08/07/2021 21:47

By the way it does not matter if your on a tenancy or mid way through an agreement. If its not safe for you to stay there you don't have to. As there are things/rules set in place for people fleeing domestic violence. Even if you don't have any money you can still get help .

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 21:47

@hattmancockk

I'm renting this house after a messy divorce and obviously pay the rent but his name is on the tenancy as the agency said any adult who lived here had to be named.

Apart from leaving him, I want to know how I can salvage things as I'm a complete soft touch and I want my little girl to have a Daddy

I'm sorry but this is living in a fantasy world. He calls you vile names, mooches off you and doesn't contribute? What on earth do you think will change?

The poor child.

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 21:48

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Grow up and get rid! Don't put him on the birth certificate, don't give the baby his surname, stop paying for him and put your baby first.

All of this.

And seek counseling ASAP.

MissMaple82 · 08/07/2021 21:50

Alarm bells!!!! I suggest you run with your bubba and live a happy content, stress free life!

Graphista · 08/07/2021 21:54

A selfish, abusive freeloader will NOT make a good father - get rid!

And he's a drinker too? Good grief op you and baby are better off without definitely!

but his name is on the tenancy as the agency said any adult who lived here had to be named.

That's bull!

Who said this did you hear it direct from agency or via him?

You AND your child are far far better off without him.

Wallywobbles · 08/07/2021 21:58

@hattmancockk

And yes I have an inheritance and a small business that ticks over while I'm out of action. Plus a divorce settlement.

And when it's all gone so will he be.

You'll ignore all of us. You'll put him on the birth certificate and then when your baby becomes a toddler and he's fucking around and gaslighting you you'll suddenly realize what a fantastic mess you walked into.

Then you'll spend a decade terrified for your kid every time it's with the useless wanker.

Good luck. You are going to need it.

LyndaSnellMBE · 08/07/2021 21:58

You say you “do love the man”. What is it exactly that you love about him because he sounds appalling to me.

toocold54 · 08/07/2021 21:59

OP your child will be missing out because you will be spending all of your money on him/paying his share of the bills. How is that fair to your baby? That doesn’t make him a good daddy at all! And stressing out the baby’s mum is definitely not being a good dad!
What has he brought the baby so far?
Honestly OP I worry what he is going to be like as a father of he’s already this selfish when your little baby isn’t even born yet.

Nsky · 08/07/2021 21:59

This guy is just bad news and wants to fund his habits, run now

3peassuit · 08/07/2021 22:02

Wise up and ditch him. A heavy drinker is not a good dad.

Bythemillpond · 08/07/2021 22:02

I just want to protect my little baby now but am in complete turmoil as do love the man and he will be a good daddy. I don't know if I can do this on my own as I suffer depression, lingering from a breakdown 2 years ago

If you truly want to protect your baby then get him out and back to his parents.
If you want to give your child a daddy then get someone else.
He sounds like he isn’t mature enough to pay bills let alone look after a child.

Get him out. You will have a worse time if he stays.

I know many many single mums and they are the happiest bunch of people. It is because they don’t have to answer to anyone snd don’t have anyone to upset them.

I am not money orientated if that's what it seems like

But he is money orientated. He wants to live the single life, smoking and drinking and have you pay for him. You are not his parents and if he doesn’t like the fact his money gets eaten up by paying bills instead of buying his fags and booze etc then he needs to return to his parents

FlatStanleyCommon · 08/07/2021 22:02

*You'll ignore all of us. You'll put him on the birth certificate and then when your baby becomes a toddler and he's fucking around and gaslighting you you'll suddenly realize what a fantastic mess you walked into.

Then you'll spend a decade terrified for your kid every time it's with the useless wanker.

Good luck. You are going to need it*.

Absolutely. You are creating a bloody awful life for yourself, which you will be stuck with for a loooong time Tied to this dick for the rest of your life.

Good daddy my arse. 🙄

Bollindger · 08/07/2021 22:04

Sweetheart, he only does nice things when your upset because your his meal ticket, he knows he has nothing without you, but isn't even willing to be nice to keep you.
A man will protect his loved ones and do almost anything to ensure they are happy and cared for. Your not being being cared for.
Your not with a good man, your with a lazy arse who will abuse your good nature and bleed your dry of money.
Please , please get help .

Bythemillpond · 08/07/2021 22:04

Can I ask why you think he will be a good father because everything you have put points to the complete opposite.

Pissinthepottyplease · 08/07/2021 22:04

There is nothing in your post which says good Dad - he is emotionally abusive to the pregnant mother of his child, this is affecting your health and therefore the baby’s. A baby brought up in an emotionally abusive environment is considered to be abused by SS. By staying with this man you will be failing to protect your child from abuse. He is smoking so putting your new baby at increased risk of SIDS. He isn’t financially contributing. Everything says he will be an awful father.

lastcall · 08/07/2021 22:07

He'll have you blowing through your inheritance then disappear.

He sounds like a shit human being. Why on earth do you think he'll make a good father? Hint: he won't.

ihtwsf · 08/07/2021 22:10

I just want to protect my little baby now but am in complete turmoil as do love the man and he will be a good daddy.

No he won't. He's going to be an absolutely terrible daddy.

Ugzbugz · 08/07/2021 22:10

Smoking raises risk of cot death. Alcohol and babies do not mix.

He will be a shit dad as he is a shit partner.

Get rid and don't being a child up who will have no idea what healthy relationships look like.

StarsandStones · 08/07/2021 22:11

What would you say to a good friend if she told you this same situation?

Are you maybe afraid to leave, as this would mean that you have somehow failed? Failed to choose the right father or failed to salvage the relationship? (I am asking, I don't believe at all that this would be the case, but maybe this is what you feel?)

Original poster

hattmancockk · 08/07/2021 22:13

I've said it as it is and he's gone back to his parents. I'm devastated.

OP posts:

Original poster

hattmancockk · 08/07/2021 22:16

I really do appreciate all the replies despite my emotional state.

I read them and see the logic but then push it aside pretending it's someone else, like an illness. My brain is not wired properly. I agree with the poster who said once the baby is here I won't want to mother him.

I'm going to go to the hospital tomorrow. My BP IS 170/120 and I'm high risk anyway.

OP posts:

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