Married to someone with ADHD: Support thread

[Deedee121]

I'm looking for some support really. I've reached the end of my tether and am getting my ducks in a row.

We've been together for 20 years and married 16. I can no longer deal with the chaos, snapping at me and shouting at the children.

Why would adhd mean they shout at you and shout at the children?!

Lack of impulse control and general disrespect really

Has he been properly diagnosed with ADHD and on medication? He may need to be reassessed for his medication. However, if part of his personality is to shout and have a chaotic life and you cant deal with it anymore, then thankfully you are getting your ducks in a row regardless of his ADHD. If you feel that his behaviour is escalating and you are in danger you must remove all of you from the home and seek help.

Yes he was diagnosed last summer. Our DD has it too. He went on Ritalin for a short while and said it wasn't agreeing with him.

He's hyperfocuses on work which results in him opting out from all family activities for a period of time. The latest project has been since January so I've been hearing moaning and grumbling for 6 months now if I so much as ask him to drop one of the kids to an activity or pick something up in the shop.

Sounds more like an arsehole using his ADHD as an excuse tbh.

Yep, this. Having Adhd is a reason for some things, but not an excuse.

If he's got a nasty abusive nature, no amount of meds is going to help that as he's just going to be able to channel that streak better.

Oh he is an arsehole too. The ADHD definitely doesn't help though.

I attended a support group for partners a few weeks ago (online) and it was so depressing. Literally all the men were the same

Is it time to end the marriage?

@RandomMess - it is because I am now worried about the effect on the kids. I am trying to get my affairs in order

Shouldn't you change the title to "married to an arsehole - support thread". It's really not an ADHD thing and it's a bit shit of you to imply it is. Actually being incredibly loving is a well known ADHD trait.

Uneazy- there is a similarly titled thread about Aspergers and the OP wasn't questioned on it.

I'm well aware of all the positive traits of ADHD. My daughter has ADHD and is the most loving, caring child you could ask for. I wouldn't change her for the world. She also has angry outbursts as well. It can be a trait of ADHD.

Much like the "married to autistic people" support thread, it's not the condition causing the problem, it's the individual person's attitudes to you.

No, loads of us autistic posters found and find those threads appalling. We've complained countless times.

But what about the support for partners? Are we not allowed to share our frustrations and coping strategies?

Vanishun- with all due respect you don't live my life. There are aspects of his ADHD that put pressure on my marriage. A lot of aspects, and it is relevant to his ADHD.

Yes you are of course, I guess the issue is that his behaviour isn't just down to his ADHD.

To you plan to leave at some point or his he willing to work on his unacceptable behaviour?

RandomMess- no it isn't just down to the ADHD but a lot of it is, and has contributed towards me feeling the way I am now.

No - I've reached the end of my tether. He will always promise to change and seek help when I have gotten to this point before and he half heartedly does. He has no motivation to change

This is an awful thread title that really demeans people with ADHD and encourages the negative view of them as ‘unsuitable’ marriage partners.
I have a DS with adhd and he is nothing like your husband. People have individual personalities and characters that are sometimes toxic. Don’t get the two confused. There are plenty men without adhd who demonstrate all the flaws you’ve mentioned.

If he refuses to acknowledge that xyz isn't ok and try to work on his reactions etc then are you happy to carry on putting yourself and the DC through it.

If he won't engage that's really unfair on you.

My youngest has ADD so I do understand some of what you're going through.

I think your thread title is perfectly reasonable. I now knownhave ADHD and am realising how difficult i am in relationships. However the realisation I have it is a cue to work harder at mitigating the effects on other people, not an excuse to treat people badly. If he isn't empathising with you and working on strategies to improve his relationship then I would agree that the issue is that he is an arsehole.

My dp has undiagnosed adhd and he too is hyper focused on work . It takes over his life completely . He can’t ever switch off . It’s like a Duracell bunny but yet does absolutely nothing at home . However he rarely shouts and avoids arguments as best he can . I find his “naughty” behaviour relentless sometimes . The need for attention , it’s like I’ve got 3 children !

X-posts.

I guess get your "ducks in a row" you may be able to co-parent together well if you separate/divorce. That would be better for the DC.

His time with them would be "with them".

Boatie- the reality is that there is no support for partners. I was just asking if other people are in a similar situation.

As mentioned several times, my DD has ADHD and is like a ray of sunshine. Please don't tell me I am demeaning people with ADHD when I have tried to support my H with his and when I constantly advocate and support my DD with hers

@RandomMess - he will only engage if I am completely at the end of my tether.

No I'm not willing to accept his attitude and his chaos anymore. I'm sick of being the one to shoulder all the responsibility

TellMe- yes I agree with you. You seem very self aware and are willing to put an effort into certain things. He isn't at all, and therein lies the difference