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Original poster

Married to someone with ADHD: Support thread

183 replies

Deedee121 · 04/07/2021 09:34

I'm looking for some support really. I've reached the end of my tether and am getting my ducks in a row.

We've been together for 20 years and married 16. I can no longer deal with the chaos, snapping at me and shouting at the children.

OP posts:
Gioia1 · 08/04/2022 16:04

Interesting lack of empathy is something that plagues people with unmanaged adhd symptoms.
I don’t understand the comments from those who seem to be so critical and overly sensitive to the honest facts of living with someone who isn’t managing their symptoms well.
Funny I have to contend with the same denial and over-sensitivity from my husband with ADHD

sells345 · 13/06/2022 22:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

lifebeginsat48 · 14/06/2022 09:31

I know this is an old (and contentious) thread but it was commented on recently so popped up in the feed again - and I'm grateful for it because many of the difficulties I've read that partners are having are my reality. I really don't know how to broach the subject with him because I anticipate a hostile and reactionary response. Poster here who have said that it's okay to leave, thank you. The fact that I daren't even raise any of the issues mentioned here by others with him tell me that the only things I can change are for myself and my DC. Maybe some time alone so he only sees his own reflection and doesn't have me to project onto will help him to see the problems we've been having. I've supported him my whole life and feel like I'd like to spend the rest of my life getting something back rather than being alone with someone who doesn't see me at all.

themanwho · 21/12/2022 15:20

TwinsAndTrifle · 05/07/2021 12:01

He's not falling behind in class, he's doing pretty well (when he can be bothered, but that's a whole different thread Grin ) so, I don't see that his needs aren't being met.

Like it or not, he can't shout out all lesson. For everyone's sake, this has to be dealt with.

The teacher could focus on him more one to one, and let him answer everything, but that's not going to happen, it's the real world and there are 20 kids to teach. So he's embarrassed, but there's not really any practical alternative. Take 5 minutes is the strategy.

What would be great would be if you could share and insight, if you were him, what would you have found helpful, or how would you have liked the situation to be dealt with?

(And will shut up after this, as very aware this is not what OP started this thread for, but as we're here....)

(when he can be bothered, but that's a whole different thread Grin )

sorry but this is a common misconception about people ADHD. Our school reports are littered with ‘when he is interested’ ‘can concentrate when he wants to’ etc etc

also I hear what you are saying about the teacher needing to take him out of the classroom.

ADHD is not a disability. It is a difference not a disorder. There is nothing wrong with us. The problem is with our modern education system. We expect children to sit in schools and listen for long periods on a range of subjects that are decided for them. And if this doesn’t work for you the only option is to send you out of class. So the discrimination Is how education is delivered. Because children with ADHD don’t achieve their potential in these settings designed for NT people.

I have a lot of sympathy for teachers being expected to manage these children within a mixed classroom. But I also have more sympathy for the child who is excluded from classes and singles out and humiliated because of it.

Gioia1 · 24/12/2022 19:44

@themanwho contest it as much as you like. ADHD is a disability. It’s a neurological disorder. The emotional dysregulation, the poor executive function, the RSD etc.

there are those who manage their symptoms really well and those who are in denial.

themanwho · 25/12/2022 18:39

Gioia1 · 24/12/2022 19:44

@themanwho contest it as much as you like. ADHD is a disability. It’s a neurological disorder. The emotional dysregulation, the poor executive function, the RSD etc.

there are those who manage their symptoms really well and those who are in denial.

I don’t think it is a disability or a disorder at all. It’s a neurological difference. I think it’s the modern society we live in that creates the disability for us ADHDers.

put us in an agricultural society 500 years ago and there’s nothing wrong with us at all. We just have more energy and do well at work that requires quick thinking.

this is not to say that ADHD can and does
become very problematic and difficult for lots of us when we are expected to do life admin in the tech age we are in, sit at work or school for 7 hrs a day doing work that is foisted on us rather than self directed, carry a smart phone which is designed to grab and hold our attention etc etc ..

how you can say it’s a brain disorder when it stops being a disorder if you change the environment I do not know. And how can it be a disorder when between 5&10% if the population has it?

ugifletzet · 26/12/2022 02:35

@themanwho I have severe ADHD. It might not be a disability for you, but it certainly is for me. Adjusting my environment will never be enough to mitigate my symptoms. I don't have any issue with calling myself disabled, because disability isn't an insult or a dirty word. It's just a neutral fact.

themanwho · 26/12/2022 06:37

ugifletzet · 26/12/2022 02:35

@themanwho I have severe ADHD. It might not be a disability for you, but it certainly is for me. Adjusting my environment will never be enough to mitigate my symptoms. I don't have any issue with calling myself disabled, because disability isn't an insult or a dirty word. It's just a neutral fact.

i don’t have any difficultly believing that ADHD effects our lives in this modern world we are living in, and that it is a disability for us in it.

I just think the environment of the disabling factor not our brains. I suppose it’s just words and how we conceptualise it

i know that my ADHD causes me all sorts of problems and struggles that I wish I didn’t have

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