Married to someone with ADHD: Support thread

[Deedee121]

I'm looking for some support really. I've reached the end of my tether and am getting my ducks in a row.

We've been together for 20 years and married 16. I can no longer deal with the chaos, snapping at me and shouting at the children.

How can it be (bad behaviour) if he can't control it?? Do you see how everything is viewed through a neuro typical lens?

Because it is bad behaviour. Which he completely comprehends. He's got ADHD, not the inability to know the difference from right and wrong. He just can't control his impulse.

You’re being over the top. it disrupts other people’s learning experience- what is your solution to this - putting him in another class away from other people?

It's a statement of fact. When the teacher can't involve any of the class because DS is excitedly shouting out (finishing teachers sentences, answering everything, shouting out his own questions) the teacher is having to address DS, and is not teaching the class, and yes it disrupts the flow of the lesson. Having had 10yrs of parents evenings and being told this by virtually every teacher, at different schools, I'm pretty sure they all can't be wrong.

So with the resources available, which is not many, this is the best compromise for everyone.

I do consider it discrimination because the expectations and punishments are based on a neuro typical child.

See, I disagree. Because an NT child that did this frequently, out of choice, would be reprimanded. Be given further consequences. DS does this at least every other day. The expectation is that he will do this. Sometimes multiple times a day. He's given "settle down" warnings. Then he has to take a break. Other classmates have been told to stand outside, and if they've continued, they've received detention. I know this because they complained they were getting a raw deal compared to DS. They are allowing for his ADHD.

@CastawayQueen does this apply to anyone who disrupts other children's learning or just a child with ADHD? How about Tourette's? Autism? Learning difficulties? Should they all be sent out? Yeah I'm over the top because I want classrooms to be inclusive 🙄

@uneazy and to bring it back to OPs issue, do you see how it is here.

You see things very much one way. As the person with the condition, that's how you feel. I'm not suggesting for a moment you're wrong, or that your experience is invalid, but I completely disagree with your perception of things as much as you disagree with mine. It doesn't make me wrong either.

And this is running deep through OPs relationship as a result of many things, one of which being her husband's ADHD and his/her coping mechanisms. It won't be the only thing. But it will have materially affected situations.

@uneazy

*Neuro typical people - "I'm supportive of this thread"

People with ADHD - "this thread is damaging"

Neuro typical people - "no really it's fine"*

Ridiculously reductionist.

I have Aspergers. DH and I probably got together through our neurodiversity. 2/3 of our children have ADHD. As does he. I'd like support as a wife in navigating a marriage where there is ADHD. It can be really hard at times. I have no problem with him having external support with being married to me (and my ASD).

Things aren't as simple as you'd like to present them.

The woman here don't exist to just advocate for our children and partners, to raise awareness and fight for their rights at school and work. We are also human beings who find life tough sometimes and a discussion about common challenges in this situation could be helpful. It is possible for both things to be occurring simultaneously.

Fair enough. I'm exhausted by this now, so good luck to you all. Usborne have a nice book about diversity if anyone is after one.

An extract

@uneazy

Diversity doesn't exclude people who find themselves in caring or supporting roles. Indeed we often find ourselves with real struggles at work and socially. It looks like you are the one who could do with reading.

@Psychonabike LOL ok. We're going round in circles and getting no where. Not going to repeat myself again so you feel validated. Feel free to read my previous posts.

& the book recommendation was for children in case anyone else is taking offence to that 🤦🏻‍♀️

Afternoon, everyone.

We've had a lot of reports on this thread (some for disablism, others for personal attacks) and have been through it and deleted posts where we could see talk guidelines were being broken.

We just wanted to remind everyone of our rules around posting in a civil way. We understand that there will be disagreement over a thread like this but we think it's possible to offer an opinion while still being polite and civil.

Please do hit the report button if you'd like us to look at any posts that break our talk guidelines.

Thanks.

Thanks Mumsnet.

Anyway- getting back to my original post. How does everyone deal with hyperfocus. So my H has been hyperfocussing on work since January this year. If I asked him to do something he would grumble about being busy/stressed etc.

The result is that I am now not asking him to do anything but I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally from carrying the load.

His project is due in, in the next week or 2 and he will likely take some time off. He will then hyperfocus on me. I find it hard not to want to push him away because of how drained I'm feeling.

Does anyone else have to deal with this?

Yes. And projects can be a wonderful thing.

Nothing big, or it will be another "started and never finished" thing. But something small to create another area of focus really helps.

Anything need doing around the house? Build a BBQ? Pressure wash the patio/drive.

The key to my DH being more plateau is him having something to tinker with. And not something important or time critical.

TwinsAndTrifle - That's a great idea. I need to find a mini project for him!

@TwinsAndTrifle

Yes. And projects can be a wonderful thing.

Nothing big, or it will be another "started and never finished" thing. But something small to create another area of focus really helps.

Anything need doing around the house? Build a BBQ? Pressure wash the patio/drive.

The key to my DH being more plateau is him having something to tinker with. And not something important or time critical.

Mini projects are good.I can personally vouch for power washing patio, hoovering/ tidying the car, even chopping lots of veg in one go ( yes!) - ready for me to use for cooking..I do still have to spell it out EVERY single week how the same veg needs chopping but ….. My SqueeFeelsVeryHarshed I recognize everything you have mentioned, in my DH- rejection sensitivity, conflict avoidance - avoiding even just sharing healthy differences of opinion, defensivenes, perceiving criticism when none could be perceived……..I also am the mum who over the years has bought whiteboards, wall calendars, ‘To do’ list sheets etc etc etc so DS can make lists to remember what needs doing but he just forgets even to make the list itself. He does sometimes now make a list on the phone but , not often , but it’s a start .Like you said, the challenge is how to engage DS , to adapt ways to be more productive in the day to day and not end with a heap of things to do with deadlines looming , which itself then worsens the sense of feeling overwhelmed . He is a very hardworking ,lovely and most loving and sensitive boy but cannot be left to do anything without multiple reminders / check ins. He gets exhausted ,frustrated and angry as it takes much more effort and concentration to get through any task.

@Deedee121

47soulisdestroyed - your posts make me so sad. I can totally relate to everything that you are saying. It is truly exhausting. I am on ADs and I attribute DHs behaviour to some of that. They have helped me feel stronger in myself though.

I recently attended a webinar presented by Melissa Orlov. She is married to a man with ADHD and also has a daughter with ADHD. They managed to work through their issues and get to a good place.

I had never heard of hyperfocus courtship so was shocked when she spoke of it. Felt a bit duped too, although not by DH, but more the ADHD being masked by dopamine l

Deedee I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel sad, it was self indulgent of me ! Just thought I’d catch up with th thread tonight and I’m blown away by some of the posts on the thread. When some posters who have ADHD have said they are not offended by this thread at all , and they understand a partner wanting support , why is their opinion less valid than someone else who is offended by it and cannot see that eveyone’ experiences vary. And vice versa indeed ! Saying why someone with ADHD was ok to marry and then find faults with is missing the point entirely - bhaviours may not be recognized as being that du to ADHD as they can be subtle and variable. So many adults are being diagnosed later in life because of lack of awareness. And on th flip side if someone said that they didn’t marry someone with ADHD , because of the ADHD, then they would be pulled up on discriminating against them. Saying that if the angry outbursts stop on Ritalin and restart on stopping it , then it must be ADHD - or otherwise their personality - if only it were this linear and simple! Medication for ADHD isn’t going to ‘ cure’ and suddenly make one function like a more neurotypical or the reverse. My DH says he feels less anxious on the methylphenidate but that’s about it , not that I have been able to detect any change in him pre to post medication! How can stigma around ADHD ever be reduced/ removed if family / friends of the person with ADHD aren’t even allowed to / are shouted down for daring to express the effects on the people around the ADHD person? It’s just stating facts of life whilst living in a close relationship with a person with ADHD , not some imaginary denigeration of everyone with ADHD! And that too on an anonymous forum.It can feel very isolating in real life when one cannot discuss these things openly for fear of making the ADHD partner or child feel even more bad about themselves than they may already do. ADHD may not be as obvious or easy to diagnose as some physical conditions or problems, and they’re just not comparable to each other. Comparing ADHD to protected characteristics like race etc just shows lack of understanding of what that term actually means .

Self-awareness has been essential to getting me to the point I'm at, and I can understand why other people with ADHD feel offended by this thread...so many of our coping strategies and habits are marked out as wrong or antisocial, and I have taken great pains to explain to family and friends that my brain is very different and I have developed my own systems for handling things that works best, and trying to force myself to work contrary to my nature is just going to upset me and frustrate them. It does help that I'm a naturally patient person though.

As for the hyperfocus situation, what helps me is 'splitting'. I cannot rely on being in the mood to do something, so I have to create the mood artificially. I binge watch shows on my TV while I work on my laptop (graphic design), I clean the house while listening to podcasts, I always steam-clean the floors when the other occupant of the house is gone for the day (every Tuesday at the same time), if I'm rendering videos or audio for work I'll bake a cake or bread at the same time.

When I worked with children I had a strict schedule in place and five pm was always 'let's see who can put all the toys away before the music stops' time. A written checklist was always helpful to both me and the children, and for ADHD kids I used to make a list for them and then get them to write it again in their own words, so it would stay in their minds easier. Non-verbal colour cues are useful too, like keeping coloured wristbands on your arm or making a jar of coloured lollipop sticks that correspond to a different task. My brain moves very fast and gets distracted in seconds, seeing something bright that I associate with something that needs doing works wonders.

This is a tip I picked up from Tiktok of all places: video game music is designed to encourage the player to complete tasks towards an end goal, playing video game soundtracks while studying actually helps maintain focus in a lot of ADHD brains. I've tried it a few times while studying and it really does work.

Ultimately, how much of a behaviour you can chalk up to ADHD and how much is just 'arsehole' is down to how much the person is willing to work with you to find a solution. I was always the more mature one in my relationships, even with my ADHD brain. I was willing to adapt but they weren't.

I'm pretty sure DP has ADHD based on various sites listing the 'symptoms'.

He also has a very short fuse and like OP shouts at me and DC, interrupts etc.

He won't take any action until we reach crisis point. And then he doesn't follow through.

I don't know what is specifically ADHD related and what is not, but his impulsiveness and lack of foresight have left us with no money in the past. I feel I'm not allowed to be upset when these types of situations happen because he feels the criticism of his choices are an attack on him (apparently ADHD symptom) and how people react to being attacked are different, my DP reacts by counter attacking the perceived attack, others may not but there will still be the reaction caused by ADHD until it is managed.

My point is this. I don't know how or which ways to change my approach so that I'm not left being responsible for all the overseeing, planning & admin etc and would get the intended message across to DP without him feeling attacked etc

Also, I'm not even sure how to get him diagnosed as pointing out his symptoms are likely to cause him to feel criticised and result in an argument. Eventually after hours or arguing, he may agree to speak to a GP but past experiences have resulted in him missing the appointment if he even gets that far....I don't want to give up, but I've got no support on how/what/if I can do to make us all happier.

@TyrantosaurusRex here is what I would suggest:

*If you bring up his symptoms and behaviours, try not to put a negative value on them. You may be in the right about the negative impact of the behaviour, but all he will hear is 'you're a bad person who is making my life hard, stop making my life so hard,' and get defensive about it.

*I have to try very hard not to interrupt people, because what happens is a thought or a point will occur to me and if I don't say it now, I'll forget it and I won't have made my point. I'm not an argumentative person but I can see how an argument with your partner can devolve quickly. Working out a non-verbal cue might help.

*Put the onus on him to work out something that makes life easier. It might not be what you want, it could involve becoming nocturnal, papering your house with sticky notes, setting up a sleep-on-it rule for big decisions, but if it makes him more functional to live with then it's worth it. Give it a try for a while and if it still doesn't work then you give up.

@MySqueeHasBeenSeverelyHarshed

Thanks for the advice, I'll give that a go.

@TyrantosaurusRex - your DP sounds very like mine. He has hyperfocused on work since January and has completely opted out of all family activities, or moans if has to collect/pick up.

He stomps around in a mood most of the time. I don't attribute these moods to the ADHD, he's a very negative person anyway but this alongside the hyperfocus on work are very hard to deal with

@GuineaP1g

I have ADHD. I don't abuse my family.

Me too! I’m a single parent with ADHD and astonishingly I’m not a abusive asshole to my partners and children.

It’s all most as if it’s her husband’s personality and character that’s the issue, not the ADHD.

It's ok for you to decide that you are not willing to tolerate his hyper focus on work and end the relationship because it's a regular repeated pattern.

@RandomMess- it is a repeated cycle and is unbearable

Yep so keep moving forward with your plan to end the marriage. You and the DC deserve so much more.

Thanks RandomMess. Yes I will keep pushing forward. I tried to end it 3yrs ago but wasn't as strong mentally as I am now