Married to someone with ADHD: Support thread

[Deedee121]

I'm looking for some support really. I've reached the end of my tether and am getting my ducks in a row.

We've been together for 20 years and married 16. I can no longer deal with the chaos, snapping at me and shouting at the children.

ADHD is a disability in a neurotypical world where everything NT is assumed to be correct and everything NNT is the opposite. It would be easy to construct a list of positive ADHD characteristics and denigrate NT people for not having these - eg sometimes hyper-focus is bloody useful so inability to do this = bad.
Being NNT means differently wired and right now, that can be disabling because NT people and their assumptions are running things. If NT/NNT brains were just regarded as different - no judgement attached - the world would be a better place.
Clearly all the guys being complained about had ADHD at the point when an NT person was happy to marry them? If they've turned out to be an arsehole of a husband it's for a whole bunch of reasons. To me ADHD is about as relevant in this as eye colour.

@Deedee121 I just got diagnosed with ADHD as an adult last winter. I'm not offended by the title of your thread. I knew the way I was behaving and reacting to situations was making things very hard on my family, as it had made things hard on my parents and brother growing up, as it had made things hard on previous boyfriends where things hadn't worked out, and on friendships that I could have maintained better.

It took a few years of proper mental health treatment (meds, CBT, a second and third opinion and new med trials) for me to get where I am now. But the reason I even started investigating was because I truly couldn't imagine my DH putting up with my outbursts for another 5 years. Let alone the effect it was starting to have on our kids. He's not perfect by any means: when I get upset, it's for a valid reason. But I knew that despite that validity, I wasn't handling my feelings in a healthy way.

You and your DC need to matter enough to your DH for him to try again. I wonder if some of his obstinance isn't just his brain wiring, but also the general idea that men shouldn't "need" mental health support. For me, addressing my own stuff wasn't a straight line to a cure and new personality: it has very much been a bumpy road. But it's mostly going in an upward direction. He needs to accept he might have some setbacks and try again with treatment. There are lots of approaches. We all respond to different things.

Good luck, however it all pans out for you guys.

What you're saying is "you sharing your experience is damaging to me, because I have ADHD"

I have literally written 3 other comments explaining that this is not what I'm saying, just that the tone/wording needs to be addressed. Don't know why I bloody bother, it's just typical "autism mom" mentality. Of course you're right, you KNOW someone with ADHD. Why on Earth would you listen to someone living it and have empathy for their lived experience?!

Exactly @Lauren850

@suggestionsplease1 have no issue with the idea of a support thread.
Just that for mental health issues (depression, bipolar disorder) you see scores and scores of threads with husbands not taking their meds, not taking any effort to address it. The advice is always to ‘LTB, if he refuses help then he’s not worth it’. Also if someone had a physical illness them not taking their meds/doing physio would be unacceptable wouldn’t it?

But when people are neurodiverse partners are supposed to just put up with it? Why the double standard? Of course depending on the severity sometimes people might be beyond help….but rarely do people mention what their H is doing to mitigate the effects.

Also working with neurodiversity takes a lot of effort from the ND person. It takes up a lot of mental space. By not just doing what I like my life is less enjoyable. I can’t do everything that I want to do. But this is what I have to do so that my partners life isn’t as fucked up as badly as it could be. It would be a lot easier to just not bother and let them pick up the pieces. Like what my father did to my mother (and still continues to do) for umpteen years…

ADHD doesn't create emotions that aren't already there. What it can do is magnify what we're feeling or shape our response/management of those emotions. Maybe I'm getting bogged down in semantics here.

I don't doubt that this can make life more difficult for those around them, which would make a support group beneficial and worthwhile.

My issue with THIS thread is the sweeping generalisations and assumptions justified as 'my experience'.

There are three recognised presentations of ADHD, differences between the way it typically presents in men and women, differing severities too, greater likelihood of co-morbid conditions or disorders that might remain unidentified and all of that overlaid on top of the broad spectrum of human experience and personalities. And yet zero caution and sensitivity here about talking and thinking about those with ADHD as some homogenous class of problematic people.

Of course you're right, you KNOW someone with ADHD.

This isn't my mum's neighbour's cousin. This is my husband. And my son.

Why on Earth would you listen to someone living it and have empathy for their lived experience?!

Right back at you. That's the point.

@TwinsAndTrifle but you are not the marginalised group here!! Can you really not see that?!

I have ADHD, diagnosed less than a year ago. I can talk about my experience of ADHD, but take care to never assume I can talk to the experience and opinions of others with it. Same goes for my experiences of other aspects of my life, like motherhood.

There's so little care here in avoiding offensive and insensitive generalisations. By all means support each other, share your experiences, but your struggles do not justify prejudicial statements like Spring's.

Of course I can see that. I am not person A. I am person B.

And as person B, it is not ok to say, this is my shared experience, and receive support, guidance, understanding from other people in group B?

I'm a mother of twins. Inherently this has challenges that mother's of singletons do not face. That's life. But I can't seek support as the mother because I'm not a twin myself? I'm marginalising my twins by acknowledging they can be more difficult than the "norm"?

They have as little knowledge of what it's like being a mother of a twin, as I do of being a twin myself.

Jeez I am really banging my head against a brick wall here.

Yes it is ok to have challenges and ask for support.

HOWEVER (as I've already said) the wording/tone is problematic.

People with ADHD face discrimination. Twins (as far as I'm aware) do not.

@uneazy genuine question, what is the discrimination you feel you face, directly from ADHD.

To give an example for DS, he is frequently removed from class, as he impulsively shouts out. Is this discrimination because of his ADHD. The behaviour results in the consequence, but the behaviour is not something he has control over. He knows what will happen if he shouts out, he doesn't like being sent out, but he can't stop himself, he's too excited if he knows the answer to something and physically can't stop calling the answer.

How would you view that situation.

@uneazy

Jeez I am really banging my head against a brick wall here.

Yes it is ok to have challenges and ask for support.

HOWEVER (as I've already said) the wording/tone is problematic.

People with ADHD face discrimination. Twins (as far as I'm aware) do not.

If you actually take the time to explain what it is about the tone you find so offensive and perhaps give some examples of how the OP could explain it better so you don't find it offensive perhaps you wouldn't feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall? I have looked back to see your posts on this thread and all I have seen is the tone is wrong, the tone is wrong but no further explanation. You can't expect people to understand what you are saying if you don't actually explain yourself other to repeat 'the tone is wrong'.

@OuiOuiKitty that's pretty much what I'm trying to say, you just said it a lot better

@TwinsAndTrifle to be honest, at this point in my life I mostly manage ok because of my job choice, lifestyle, people I choose to surround myself with. Having DS has brought it all back though and I feel hurt on behalf of him. The situation with your son - I look at it like this: who is it benefitting sending him out of class? Maybe it gives the teacher 5 mins headspace but it's certainly not in your sons best interests. I know every time my son has been sent out of class, he has come home upset, talked really negatively about himself and then not wanted to go to school the next day. All it teaches him is - my behaviour (which I cannot control) is bad and means I have to leave and can't learn/ be with my friends. This seriously knocks a child's self esteem. School are supposed to make "reasonable adjustments" & to me that means understanding the unique child and their learning style. If they are distractible and impulsive, how can you meet their learning needs in a way that is more suitable? For my son that would be anything active or creative and if it's writing or anything that requires sitting then it would need to be done in short sessions in a calm space. Unfortunately in life some people will be great, some not so much.

@OuiOuiKitty pretty sure I did yesterday at 15.05

I have ADHD. I am surprised at the posters saying that a support thread for partners is not appropriate. It's a well known issue that people with ADHD can have problems maintaining relationships. They ask about it as part of the diagnostic interview. There are partners included in these failed relationships who may need support and advice. Plus anger outbursts can be a symptom of ADHD (again they ask about it in the interview) as emotional dysregulation is a core part of ADHD. I now try to walk away if I feel myself going but it was a real issue in the past for me and therefore for my partners.

My partner has to deal with my inability to make decisions, starting but not finishing things, my inability to do something unless interested and "in the mood", my inability to stick to a routine, my struggle and anxiety over planning and packing eto etc etc. I wish he had a support group or thread he could access. I think it would really help him and us.

That's very insightful @uneazy , thank you.

This is how I view that situation, not to be argumentative, or anything, other than to show how we perceive things so very differently.

DS can't control his shouting out. He can't change that. There are 20 other students in the class who he is disrupting when he does this, and the teacher does not have the resource to, and neither should focus solely on him. Each child is as important as he is. So he gets sent out. As any of them would if they did the same. He doesn't get reprimanded, how another child might, because the teacher knows it's not his fault, he's asked to take 5 minutes to stand outside. He does. He's doesn't like it. He's older now so he's embarrassed too. But he does return calmer. So, who does it benefit? The teacher, who can restore some flow to the lesson for the other 20 children. The other 20 children, who now have an opportunity to answer. And DS there are pros and cons, because he is embarrassed, but ultimately calmer after taking that break and returning.

Whilst he can't control it, it is bad behaviour/manners. The other children can't do that either. They can stop themselves though. DS can't, and so he's asked to take a break. I truly don't see that as discrimination for having ADHD. There's a balance between making allowances and adaptations, and allowing him to affect the rest of the classes learning detrimentally. Yes it's shit. But I don't think it's discrimination. I think if he was given a right rollicking and sent to the head, as if he'd been deliberately obtuse, then that would be unfair, but he's given a couple of "settle down" warnings, and then asked to take a break.

He misses 5 minutes of the lesson. But equally, the rest of the class have missed the previous 5 minutes while the teacher has to deal with DS.

@Deedee121

47soulisdestroyed - your posts make me so sad. I can totally relate to everything that you are saying. It is truly exhausting. I am on ADs and I attribute DHs behaviour to some of that. They have helped me feel stronger in myself though.

I recently attended a webinar presented by Melissa Orlov. She is married to a man with ADHD and also has a daughter with ADHD. They managed to work through their issues and get to a good place.

I had never heard of hyperfocus courtship so was shocked when she spoke of it. Felt a bit duped too, although not by DH, but more the ADHD being masked by dopamine l

I'm not Sue's I'd agree that it's "hyperfocus" but I know what you are talking about. When I look back to my initial period with my partner when I was loved (and lusted!) up, I was the most calm, most organised, most together I've been in the last 20 years. It went on for months and was not exhausting like hyperfocus. I just felt "normal". Ive even discussed this with my partner since my diagnosis. I think the big rush of dopamine caused by "falling in love" masked all the ADHD symptoms. Both of us were "duped" by it as I didn't understand what was happening either, just thought I was happy. So I understand you feeling fooled by this different version of your husband. Brain chemistry has a lot to answer for.

Well it's not meeting his needs is it. The SENCo should be supporting the teacher with strategies that help him. Have you asked him about it and how it makes him feel?

& yes I do consider it discrimination because the expectations and punishments are based on a neuro typical child.

He's not falling behind in class, he's doing pretty well (when he can be bothered, but that's a whole different thread ) so, I don't see that his needs aren't being met.

Like it or not, he can't shout out all lesson. For everyone's sake, this has to be dealt with.

The teacher could focus on him more one to one, and let him answer everything, but that's not going to happen, it's the real world and there are 20 kids to teach. So he's embarrassed, but there's not really any practical alternative. Take 5 minutes is the strategy.

What would be great would be if you could share and insight, if you were him, what would you have found helpful, or how would you have liked the situation to be dealt with?

(And will shut up after this, as very aware this is not what OP started this thread for, but as we're here....)

Whilst he can't control it, it is bad behaviour/manners.

How can it be if he can't control it?? Do you see how everything is viewed through a neuro typical lens?

@uneazy

Whilst he can't control it, it is bad behaviour/manners.

How can it be if he can't control it?? Do you see how everything is viewed through a neuro typical lens?

You’re being over the top. it disrupts other people’s learning experience- what is your solution to this - putting him in another class away from other people?

it's the real world and there are 20 kids to teach.

Well how about trying to change "the real world" for the better. Does he talk about his ADHD? Do the other kids know he has it and understand what that means? Or do they just think he's naughty. Teaching others about neuro diversity is a great place to start. & ask him what would help! A squishy toy to squeeze? A silent signal to the teacher that he really wants to speak?