Married to someone with ADHD: Support thread

[Deedee121]

I'm looking for some support really. I've reached the end of my tether and am getting my ducks in a row.

We've been together for 20 years and married 16. I can no longer deal with the chaos, snapping at me and shouting at the children.

Sorry @Orf1abc I quoted you but my post was aimed at op

ToLiveInPeace( and OP) , thank you for your empathy.You are really writing down in words what I have felt for years now- I am a different person to what I would be in a different relationship.But I haven’t got the will now to get out of this one and think of a different life. I am trying to give up fighting it now as I just can’t anymore.I’m trying to be more philosophical in my approach to our marriage and family life and try and be a supportive wife and mum, whereas it’s really impossible for me to feel supported. I long to feel a deep connection with DH , but it’s just not going to happen.The sense that when you’ve been together for so long you know each other’s little likes and dislikes etc- he just forgets and wouldn’t have a clue! I think there is a lot of ambivalent feelings I have towards him . At some level I realize that he probably does care for me very much but is not able to behave in a way that my ‘neurodifferent to his brain’ can perceive it correctly. It’s like you said OP you know what you’re dealing with when you’re in the middle of it. Also everyone’s ADHD is not the same.

The ‘general disrespect’ comment from a PP I can relate to - I feel undermined and disrespected by DH at every turn due to the way he talks rapidly over me, comes across excited, shouty and rude, and appears not to be taking in a word of what I’m saying due to the inattention. It’s only my opinion but that’s how the ADHD feeds into ‘general disrespect’ .
Ikm very ashamed to say, that my heart sank when I started to realize that DS was similar and I love him very dearly, but the thought of a lifetime of having to support him through everything filled me with dread. DH is not able to be a role model as a dad as basically there’s just no core principles to his life. My DS has grown up seeing dad being an unreliable , randomly untrustworthy person. The only consistency is the inconsistency and randomness ! feel that DS mainly prefers my ideas/ advice about things , not dad’s .It’s very hard to encourage him to take dad’s ideas on board when they are so over the top and I secretly may not think them suitable myself.
I realize , DH cannot change. He is not trying to torment me but I am still tormented . I am trying to change myself into a stronger, positive person and improve how I deal with situations , not to take his behaviour personally, not try to do everything myself - it just isn’t possible , accept my family life and try not to hate or to get angry - it is a tall order ! Most importantly trying to look after myself- I’m exhausted from home ,work and the negative emotions I feel. Perimenopause doesn’t help. Atleast the theory is there, just need to action it now. Look after yourself OP whatever you do ! Good luck with wherever life takes you. I didn’t mean to get carried away with such long posts, but in my defence , it’s the 1st time I have said anything about ADHD to anyone outside of our family

Perhaps MN should start a new topic of support threads - then we could have support threads for all those partners married to someone with a disability or disorder?

Married to a blind person; support thread
Married to a diabetic; support thread
Married to a haemophiliac; support thread.

Because if you think support threads like this and the Asperger one are ok then I suppose you think the ones above are ok?

Or perhaps, because ADHD and ASD are related to neurological differences and not physical ones, then that makes it different?

There is a huge discrepancy on MN between how threads which demonstrate prejudice against physical disabilities or differences (if I started a thread with any of the titles above it would rightly be deleted) compared to ones which include the stigmatisation, stereotyping and myth-spreading of neurodiverse individuals - demonstrated by the tolerance of this and the Asperger support threads.

It is unequivocal ableism.

Why isn’t a “married to an arsehole; support thread here” sufficient?

I fully appreciate why you feel the need for a support thread op, when you’re preparing to leave your dh, and see adhd as a big part of the problem.

And I fully appreciate why other people, trying to maintain relationships with neurodiverse partners might benefit from a support thread.

The problem is that your title suggests the latter.

I am inclined to assume from your intransigence towards posters who are upset that what you actually want is validation for your decision to leave.

It’s ok that you find his adhd traits intolerable. That’s your prerogative. No one has to stay in a relationship. Of course there is going to be a degree of guilt in leaving because of the other persons disability and there’s a lot of cognitive dissonance to work through.

Renaming the thread “support for leaving my dh who has adhd” might help get you what you’re looking for, and not draw people (like me) to a thread thinking that it’s something it’s not.

@Flugbusiness

I have ADHD. I was only diagnosed in the last year. It's been a joy to get diagnosed as I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me for ages.

However, I was always fairly organised. I had to be, there was no one to pick up the slack for me. I never treated my family like a selfish arsehole because...I'm not a selfish arsehole.

Op, your H may have ADHD, but him being an arsehole has very little to do with that really.

As ppl have said this is just like those ASD threads where all the wives of self diagnosed arseholes are using their 'condition' as an excuse for bad behaviour. Or even worse their wives are using it as an excuse!!

Doesn't matter if he has ADHD or not really, if you find his behaviour intolerable, then for god's sake split up with him. If he doesn't want to manage his ADHD properly then why should you??

I spend a lot, and I mean A LOT of time putting things in place so other ppl don't have to deal with the effects of my ADHD. I apologise if I feel that I've been moody, and take a lot of steps to manage my temper.

You H is an arsehole. Leave if you want to. But giving out about his ADHD isn't going to help you.

THIS. All of this.

This while aimed at ASD is useful for neurodiversity in general.

the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

In short - every person who is neurodiverse is a combination of strengths and weaknesses in exactly the same way as a neurotypical person.

If you can’t carry on in your marriage - thats due to the whole thing not just ADHD.

How about a thread that says my marriage is difficult and I don’t know how much of it is ASD/ADHD or him/her? Does it actually matter? If you aren’t happy you aren’t happy. If the other person isn’t willing or able to work with you to make changes so both are happier it’s a dead duck.

One way to determoine whether the angry outbursts are caused by ADHD or just his general personality is to ask whether when he was on Ritalin he still had these outbursts? If not it may well be the ADHD otherwise its probably just who he is.

.

47soulisdestroyed - your posts make me so sad. I can totally relate to everything that you are saying. It is truly exhausting. I am on ADs and I attribute DHs behaviour to some of that. They have helped me feel stronger in myself though.

I recently attended a webinar presented by Melissa Orlov. She is married to a man with ADHD and also has a daughter with ADHD. They managed to work through their issues and get to a good place.

I had never heard of hyperfocus courtship so was shocked when she spoke of it. Felt a bit duped too, although not by DH, but more the ADHD being masked by dopamine l

I might have a wee insight that could be helpful as someone with ADHD, although it's known to manifest differently in women.

For one thing, I'm very rejection-sensitive, so when anyone tries to bring up an issue with something I've done or am doing, I struggle not to take it personally or get defensive. That's been flagged as a common ADHD issue, and when trying to work or co-parent that's a huge stumbling block. I recently had a falling out with a friend who also has ADHD and we didn't speak for months because we both took it very personally and had a hard time admitting we'd done something wrong to each other. In the end we had to agree to just act like it never happened and there's still some strain there, but it's better than nothing. I find the phrase 'it's not personal, I'm trying to help you' is very helpful both to say and to hear.

I'm also very conflict-avoidant, because I'm afraid I'll end up saying something horribly cruel if I'm in a fit of temper. I refer to it as having a brain-to-mouth slide, the thought is in my head for a second and then it slides out of my mouth and sometimes it is vicious, and because it's an intrusive thought that I really don't mean (there's an overlap with the likes of OCD and Tourette's) I upset the person I'm arguing with, so I just try to avoid any conflict full stop.

There are concrete things to manage day-to-day life, but the real issue is getting the person with ADHD to actually engage with them. My mother gets me calendars and diaries constantly to help me stay organized and I never use them, I put them down and when they're out of my sight they might as well be gone forever. I have a cork board and fridge magnets so if I have appointments the letters go straight there where I can't miss them, and I have sticky notes all over the house. That works for me, but there was a lot of trial and error to getting to where I am now.

I used to work in childcare and I was excellent at it because it was instinctive to me, but what really helped was that parents used to leave detailed lists on the fridge or counter and I'd refer back to them throughout the day. I know it would feel strange to have to do this for the other parent of your children, but he might actually be relieved to have it.

*was meaning to say that being neurodiverse is not an excuse.
Also lots of us have worked very hard to NOT mess up anyone else’s life. Given that you married your partner they’re not on the extreme ends of the spectrum as to be severely disabled. If they don’t make the effort then it’s on them.

What about if your partner makes you his "special interest/hyperfocus"?
So until you are married, with children, you have NO idea he is neurodiverse?

What If he doesn't get diagnosed until many years into the marriage, usually after one, or more, of your children are diagnosed and the professionals suggest that your DH is also neurodiverse?

So you didn't know what you were letting yourself in for?

Really not what you were making out how things are, so many partners have this experience.

How is that different from all the other men who do not pull their weight after kids?

@geojellyfish
Save your faux concern, I see right through it.

SpringCrocus- I agree with everything you be said and the hyperfocus courtship is a real thing

Geojellyfish - you are assuming so many things. The lack of empathy is definitely on your side, that's for sure

@Deedee121, I have reported a number of those posts , and asked @MNHQ to comment on this thread in the same way they treat the Aspergers partner support threads.
Your thread is important and of value to those of us who understand what you are saying.
Stay strong

SpringCrocus - thank you. I find the backlash quite aggressive and the lack of empathy is astounding.

I really don't understand why a support thread for partners of blind people or diabetics etc would be terrible? Often times people with disabilities need support and oftentimes that support comes from their partners. Why would it be so bad for people who are in similar situations and understand the nuances more than the average person to get together and offer empathy and support?

I too have a lovely daughter with ADHD, she's just finished her A levels and the hell she went through to come out with good grades was awful to witness. She is the most hardworking person I know and also one of the kindest and most considerate. I'm so angry about the discrimination and ignorance she faced in the education system and reading this post really gets my goat. As many others have said, how dare anyone equate ADHD with arseholery - what kind of shit world is a school leaver entering if this kind of idiocy is allowed in 2021?

And obviously if it is a child who is ND, that is totally different. But an adult spouse/partner? No.