Married to someone with ADHD: Support thread

[Deedee121]

I'm looking for some support really. I've reached the end of my tether and am getting my ducks in a row.

We've been together for 20 years and married 16. I can no longer deal with the chaos, snapping at me and shouting at the children.

Lauren850 - what gets my goat is people who don't have a partner with ADHD commenting. Google Melissa Orlov and hyperfocus courtship. It's a real thing.

It is very different having a child with ADHD than a partner. I'm afraid the ignorance and lack of awareness lies with the people who have no empathy towards partners.

Ouiouikitty- not sure when support threads become a bad thing

Add me to the list of people who find this thread unpleasant. I have a partner with ADHD, I've never heard him shout at anyone.

A true ADHD partner support thread would be about working together to deal with symptoms and their effects, and how to build a strong relationship in the context of ADHD's challenges. I'd love a thread like that.

You just want to moan about a man you dislike and are leaving, and in the meantime denigrate people with ADHD.

@thelegohooverer

I fully appreciate why you feel the need for a support thread op, when you’re preparing to leave your dh, and see adhd as a big part of the problem.

And I fully appreciate why other people, trying to maintain relationships with neurodiverse partners might benefit from a support thread.

The problem is that your title suggests the latter.

I am inclined to assume from your intransigence towards posters who are upset that what you actually want is validation for your decision to leave.

It’s ok that you find his adhd traits intolerable. That’s your prerogative. No one has to stay in a relationship. Of course there is going to be a degree of guilt in leaving because of the other persons disability and there’s a lot of cognitive dissonance to work through.

Renaming the thread “support for leaving my dh who has adhd” might help get you what you’re looking for, and not draw people (like me) to a thread thinking that it’s something it’s not.

Good post - much more balanced than mine

MMmarmite - not sure you grasp what support groups are. Everyone will be at different stages and the severity will vary. It's not one size fits all.

Just because your DH doesn't have anger issues doesn't mean other men do.

Well I don't feel remotely supported by a thread that denigrates men with ADHD and implies relationships with them are awful. So I guess I'll leave you to it. But I do agree that you'd offend a lot less people if you changed the title.

If you aren't allowed to offload about difficult people on an anontmous forum where are you allowed?
The OP is denigrating one difficult man with ADHD not all people with ADHD. It does not logically follow that the OP thinks her problems with her DH are universal to alk people with ADHD nor is it logical to assert that they are nothing to do with ADHD.
I have one adult child who's ADHD definitely makes it much harder to have balanced relationship with and another who is much easier.
Many of you seem to be making the very mistake you accuse the OP of, assuming your personal experience is the true one and others experiences are somehow false as they are different.

It's obviously not the right thread for you. People aren't disrespecting men. They are telling their real life stories and experiences. Not sure why it has triggered you so much.

Wbeezer- thank you. You are right. I'm talking about my own personal experience, not about everyone with ADHD. I haven't generalised at all, just shared my experience

@Deedee121

The responses you've had here are just really disappointing.

You've posted for support with a problem as you see it, from people in the same position, and a bunch of other people wade in trying to police how you should present your problem.

It's a crazy situation where someone reaches out for support and the response is to take offence, or demand that a different focus is taken.

I work in Mental Health, I understand ADHD pretty well, and I also have a husband and two children with ADHD. I do my absolute best to advocate for people with ADHD. But I'm also a wife. And it's really fucking hard sometimes. Of course, not all the problems are ADHD (thanks to everyone who has pointed out that some husbands can just be arseholes, yeah I'm sure @Deedee121 hadn't worked that out...) but I'm guessing that through your child and DH you know ADHD pretty well and have a fair idea what problems are ADHD related and felt that some peer support with that would be good. ADHD can undoubtedly end marriages.

In this kind of situation I think facebook groups work best. Clearly titled with questions and controls over joining. Rather than this format where a bunch of folk (who aren't really the target audience) get exercised by the title and wade in to kick someone while they are down. It's the equivalent of wandering past a church hall running a support group and storming in because you have some vaguely related issue, knowledge or experience.

If only people could read the title and think "nope, doesn't apply to me" and move on, rather than storming the hall. Or start a different thread if it triggers some issue for them.

I'd love to tell you the long list of ADHD issues we try to manage in our marriage and give you a bit of solidarity and mutual support but there are people here who have actively obstructed this thread becoming a suitable space for that.

I also find this post offensive. I understand having a partner with adhd can have its challenges. But a areshole of a partner and adhd are two separate things. I feel your post completely vilified people with adhd as awful and unpleasant people.

Aspergallus - thank you for your very kind post. I agree, I think FB groups may very well be the way to go.

Sorry to hear you feel you can't input but I do agree that it has been detailed by people who won't accept that being a partner is very different.

Spring, I'm glad you picked up my obvious sarcasm.

I've already said though that I get needing support and I get needing to offload. I really don't begrudge a support thread if that's what it is. It just didn't feel like that's what this was about.

Your posts about the NT person having to look after/be the adult in relationships with ND people is pretty disgusting. That's your experience. It's a valid experience and you're well within your right to vent about having such an unbalanced relationship, but when you talk about it in generalities, as NT versus ND, it stops being about your experience and starts being discriminatory.

You make it sound like that's par for the course for anyone in a relationship with someone ND. If I were to write like that about any other class of people who share the same protected characteristic, e.g. race, sex, religion, it would obviously be offensive, but because you're talking about a neurological disability, that makes it ok? It really doesn't.

Wouldn't him having ADHD affect certain parts of his personality anyway therefore being part of the reason she wants to leave. I've met both children and adults with ADHD or suspected ADHD with massive anger problems, lack of empathy, self absorbed in their own interests. That doesn't mean all people with ADHD are like this but to pretend someone having ADHD wouldn't impact on their future relationships in one way or another is ridiculous. Leave the op alone she's here for advice not a kicking. I think some posters own insecurities or the fact they have someone in their own family with adhd is being used against the op.She didn't say anything about all people with ADHD.

Daisy can you really not see why the thread title, followed by the OP might make some people think that she's equating ADHD more broadly with anger issues?

She even follows up to say that her husband's lack of respect is another part of his ADHD causing issues.

It's these negative (and incorrect) stereotypes that mean that many people with ADHD live with stigma surrounding their diagnosis.

It's very hard to live with and some compassion for those of us who have to support, manage, pick up the pieces, do all the adulting, etc would be good. Rather than berating us for being "abelist"
We are not. We just want to be able to be honest about how our relatives/partners neurodiversities impact on out lives.

Bang on.

As a wife to ADHD DH and a mother to ADHD DS, I see their struggles. And should not be made to be silent about the way it impacts me, because I don't have the condition. This is for living alongside someone who does. I am a loving wife and mother to people that do. And sometimes it's the best I could ever imagine, and sometimes it's really shit. And it's ok to say that.

@Deedee121 I feel a lot of what you've posted. You're not alone

@Daisy1245

Wouldn't him having ADHD affect certain parts of his personality anyway therefore being part of the reason she wants to leave. I've met both children and adults with ADHD or suspected ADHD with massive anger problems, lack of empathy, self absorbed in their own interests. That doesn't mean all people with ADHD are like this but to pretend someone having ADHD wouldn't impact on their future relationships in one way or another is ridiculous. Leave the op alone she's here for advice not a kicking. I think some posters own insecurities or the fact they have someone in their own family with adhd is being used against the op.She didn't say anything about all people with ADHD.

Adhd is not a personality flaw. If your a twat, your a twat. Adhd has nothing to do with that.

Adhd is a neurological condition not a personality defect, people shouldn't confuse them.

ADHD or other ND conditions have a HUGE impact on partners/ spouses/parents/ siblings/children

And we have EVERY right to have a support space to share our experiences.
Without a load of abuse and naysayers telling us we are being "mean" or "ableist"

@springcrocus couldn't agree more. My dh has adhd and autism and I'm in the process of getting a diagnosis of adhd. Many in my family suffer from both. It is incredibly draining on both sides. I see many issues crop up due to dh's adhd/autism. Some I believe may be due to such a late diagnosis in adulthood and not getting the right/much support along the way? Leading to unhelpful coping strategies perhaps or no strategies at all!

I see both sides of it on a daily basis and am sure my adhd makes me incredibly difficult to live with as dh's does sometimes. As for other support threads for spouses of people with other illnesses, physical or otherwise, why not?

Another one here who is supportive of this thread. My ex and my DS both have ADHD. The hyper focus, impulsivity, lack of planning, lack of responsibility and sensitivity to perceived criticism as well as anger issues were very hard to live with. As was the inconsistency. I recognise the comments about being a parent to all! My DS is very similar. It’s very hard. And to those who say that medication should sort it out, there can be a huge comedown with these meds and so they’re not perfect at all. We have broken bannisters, door kicked through, broken mirrors etc
Etc
In our house from anger issues (worse in puberty!!). And it is hard. So agreed,all people with adhd are not the same , but there are some common traits which really are not understood by those who don’t live with them. Solidarity with those who do.

Neuro typical people - "I'm supportive of this thread"

People with ADHD - "this thread is damaging"

Neuro typical people - "no really it's fine"

🤦🏻‍♀️

@geojellyfish

Spring, I'm glad you picked up my obvious sarcasm.

I've already said though that I get needing support and I get needing to offload. I really don't begrudge a support thread if that's what it is. It just didn't feel like that's what this was about.

Your posts about the NT person having to look after/be the adult in relationships with ND people is pretty disgusting. That's your experience. It's a valid experience and you're well within your right to vent about having such an unbalanced relationship, but when you talk about it in generalities, as NT versus ND, it stops being about your experience and starts being discriminatory.

You make it sound like that's par for the course for anyone in a relationship with someone ND. If I were to write like that about any other class of people who share the same protected characteristic, e.g. race, sex, religion, it would obviously be offensive, but because you're talking about a neurological disability, that makes it ok? It really doesn't.

I find it a really bizarre analogy to parallel the discussion of people with a neurological difference with people of a certain race, sex, religion.

Built into the very definition of ADHD are experiences/symptoms/ differences that are likely to impact on close relationships....here is the NHS list of symptoms associated with ADHD in adults:

carelessness and lack of attention to detail
continually starting new tasks before finishing old ones
poor organisational skills
inability to focus or prioritise
continually losing or misplacing things
forgetfulness
restlessness and edginess
difficulty keeping quiet, and speaking out of turn
blurting out responses and often interrupting others
mood swings, irritability and a quick temper
inability to deal with stress
extreme impatience
taking risks in activities, often with little or no regard for personal safety or the safety of others – for example, driving dangerously

No definition of a gender, sexuality, person with religious identity, ethnicity incorporates anything like this!

ADHD, whilst presenting and being managed very differently amongst individuals, is very likely to impact on close relationships and talking about experiences can help maintain and support relationships from a position of understanding rather than blame and hopefully help prevent breakdowns in relationships.

It's a thread for people living closely with spouses or children with ADHD and our experience.

What you're saying is "you sharing your experience is damaging to me, because I have ADHD"

We can't change that this is our experience. And it really helps to be able to share with other people who have lived the same experience. It's not ADHD bashing. There are many symptoms, each person is unique. DH and DS have many similar traits, related to their ADHD. But they also have their own traits that the other does not.

OPs husband could indeed be an arsehole. People are jumping down her throat as if she's said it's solely because he has ADHD. She hasn't. I can only talk of my experience and say that I have seen identical anger, impulsiveness, hyperfocus, from both DH and DS (DH is not his dad so it's not because of father/son similarities) and it's because of their ADHD. That's not bashing, that's a fact. A fact of life. Our lives. And we deal with it. Work out how to cope better.

My husband can be an arsehole, we all have our moments. And it's definitely exacerbated by his ADHD. He can also be wonderful, he spent a hugely disproportionate amount of time searching for a birthday card with a lemon on it because on my birthday I was pregnant with DTwins and they were the size of lemons, and he'd zoned in on that. That's his hyperfocus. I'll keep that card forever.

We're allowed to find things difficult. We're allowed to speak. It's not an attack. It's how our lives are, and should be allowed to support each other. No I don't have ADHD so I don't know what it's like to be DH. Exactly how DH/DS/someone with ADHD doesn't know what it's like to be me.

I get you, OP. There are some shared traits of adhd that other partners might find difficult. Parents have support groups. People who live with the condition have support groups. Family members have support groups. There’s a sibling one for those whose brother or sister has ASD. Why wouldn’t partners also need this?

In fact, there is a support group for people affected by sight loss - including family members and carers. So the ‘blind’ analogy doesn’t work anyway.