Married to someone with ADHD: Support thread

[Deedee121]

I'm looking for some support really. I've reached the end of my tether and am getting my ducks in a row.

We've been together for 20 years and married 16. I can no longer deal with the chaos, snapping at me and shouting at the children.

Postman - yes the hyperfocus can be very hard to deal with. He literally switches off and all he can focus on is work, meaning no family time/days etc.

Funnily enough my DD said yesterday it's like you have 3 kids Mammy

@Deedee121

TellMe- yes I agree with you. You seem very self aware and are willing to put an effort into certain things. He isn't at all, and therein lies the difference

Fwiw my fairly new boyfriend also has ADHD (which is interesting). He definitely cares about the impact on me and we are working together to maximise the positives (fun dopamine highs and unpredictability!) and minimise the negatives (emotional responsibility, inability to make decisions, unpredictability, forgetting stuff). We have a shared calendar and shared lists and it is the most respectful relationship I have ever had.

*emotional reactions

I absolutely understand how ADHD can make someone difficult to live with. Is this something he's acknowledged? My partner has it and finds life very stressful, though the right medication helps. He tried several before figuring out what works for him and your DH should have been encouraged to do the same. Being diagnosed later in life took my partner a lot of emotional adjustment and he has been quite depressed. For me, it made me notice those behaviours even more, so it was an adjustment for me too. The important thing is that we keep talking about it. I understand why you want to leave but does he realise that he needs to process what the condition means for him and find ways to manage it, for his sake and everyone else's? Good luck to you.

@OP It is demeaning because you have described YOUR dh’s flaws as if he is representative of the whole adhd community. As if this is to be expected from anyone who has adhd if you marry them. That is simply not true. Not everyone with adhd has ‘general disrespect’ for their families or has checked out of all family activities due to ‘hyper focussing’. Every flaw in your husband can’t be flagged under adhd.

Also, completely empathise with the hyperfocusing to the exclusion of your needs. Helping my partner to recognise it (or telling him bluntly at times!) can help him snap out of it.

@Vanishun

No, loads of us autistic posters found and find those threads appalling. We've complained countless times.

There has also been a fair few ASD threads where a lot of people DID say that it was nothing to do with ASD and that they were offended.

Much like I'm massively offended by this thread as someone with ADHD.

I'd like to think if you're the mother of a child with ADHD you'd be a little less shitty about it.

I'm not disputing you DH isn't treating you well but that's him, not the ADHD.

One further point, sorry, for all posters - ADHD can vary in severity and there's a huge difference between unmanaged/unmedicated ADHD and people who know how to cope well. And yes, if he's not working on acknowledging and addressing the condition, he may be a bit of an asshole...

OP, just wanted to say I understand the support you're looking for. My DH was finally diagnosed with ADHD (after one of our DC) in December, just as I was reaching the point of total breakdown. He is now taking Lisdex (Ritalin doesn't suit our family) and I finally, after 24 years, have another adult in the house. Attempts to get him to engage sounded like endless whingeing about him when he wasn't medicated, but I simply couldn't rely on anything getting done unless I did it.

Be prepared (whether you end your marriage or get him properly medicated) for a psychological pushback of your own. I am more exhausted now than I was previously because it is safe to relax. It has also caused me to question my role in the family, since I am no longer doing everything.

Sending strength.

06tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict - so happy your relationship is going well. You both sound very thoughtful and respectful of each other.

Funnily enough I considered doing a thread like this of my own as of late as my husband is exactly the same.
However he isn't officially diagnosed but likes to use the ADHD as an excuse for why he can't do things I ask of him.

Trying to get my ducks in a row also.

Handhold

You don't need a thread for 'support with an ADHD husband'.
You need a thread for 'leaving arsehole husband'.

I have ADHD, DP is autistic and we have both worked very, very hard at managing our conditions. It's very hard frankly but we do it because we know that certain behaviour isn't acceptable and neither of us wants to live in a toxic environment.

Your husband has been fully diagnosed. There is ZERO excuse for him to carry on as he is. He should be going through further titration (if Ritalin isnt right), therapy, all that's available.

Not saying 'I have ADHD so this is the way I am you have to accept it'.

LTB (and I rarely say this)

07ToLiveInPeace - my DH is very black and white, and quite rigid, so if Ritalin didn't work he won't try anything else.

He was relieved when he got the diagnosis as we had discussed it for years and put a lot of things into perspective for him

10ToLiveInPeace - if I told him he was hyperfocussing on work I would get snapped at

There are just a million other ways you could phrase it so it's not ableist and damaging. If I saw the ASD thread, I would challenge that too.

@Boatie you are taking this way too personally. I have done a lot of research, attended support groups as a parent and partner and there isn't much support out there. Hence the thread.

16IWillWashTheGreenWillow - thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. I don't think people get it unless they live it. Also my experience of ADHD being a mother and a partner is very different.

Delighted to hear that the medication is working for your DH.

20OneGlamMama - thank you for posting. I'm so sorry you are going through this too. My DH also uses his ADHD as an excuse for not doing things. Its emotionally exhausting bearing all the responsibility isn't it?

Uneazy- I phrased the thread as it says exactly what I need. Support from other people who are in a similar position

If he would try one medication but won't try others, he's not willing to help himself or you. This is about ADHD but it's also about him not be willing to make an effort to improve things.

My partner can be snappy if I interrupt his hyperfocus but he also takes on board what I'm saying.

Have the two of you really talked about the effects it all has on you?

@uneazy

There is a long-standing support thread for those poor people who have chosen to have a relationship with someone with Asperger’s. In the vast majority of cases the partner has has no diagnosis.

Many of the deemed-autistic partners are indeed being absolute arseholes and I totally recognise the poster’s right to be able to discuss abusive behaviour (as indeed the OP in this thread is entitled to do). But it is not OK to ascribe all the abusive behaviour to ASD or ADHD. People can be abusive whether or not they are neurotypical or neurodiverse.

MNHQ will not do anything about it. Even though many of the myths of autism are often repeated (eg complete lack of empathy) they flatly deny its in any way offensive to those of us with ASD and that it’s important these partners get support. I’ve been told by MNHQ not to read it if it upsets me. So I don’t imagine they’re going to do anything with this thread.

I positively hate those ASD threads. There seems to be no awareness that they are married to an arsehole with the ASD being some sort of justification for continuing to suffer abuse. You can't fix someone else's mental health or change them or anything. They are either valuing you and wanting to contribute or they're not...

Your DH checking out is as likely in an NT relationship, from the sounds of it on MN. It's them as a person in the round, not a collection of their traits which may or may not be due to ADHD. You'll never know...

I'll join please. I've been meaning to start a thread too. DH was diagnosed a couple of years ago. Medication has made a huge difference, but it is exasperating being the one that has to pick up the lose ends, moderate his impulses, do the admin, plan ahead, while (it feels like) he gets to do the stuff that motivates/suits him. Similar situation here - DH is hyper focused on things related to his work. The. Whole. Time. We really aren't compatible, although he is a lovely, caring man, and so I am also considering my options.
I'm interested to hear from the posters with ADHD where/how they draw the line between ADHD behaviour (or triggered by ADHD) and just poor behaviour. I try hard to disentangle the 2 but it's not always easy.

Just because one is diagnosed and medicated, that does not make all the adhd behaviours go away. A lot of the issues, particularly when one is diagnosed as an adult, are due to ingrained behaviours, habits, shame, past bullying, etc, rather than the condition itself, and medication is not a magic button.

My partner is not an arsehole, and I don’t want to leave him, but living and parenting with him is often a challenge.

It’s great to have a support thread, and it is not derogatory to people with adhd to need that.

@Scautish agreed

@Deedee121 I give up trying to explain

Despite shit like this, I still believe we're moving in the right direction. Hopefully in time there'll be more understanding and less harmful stereotypes.