Red Flags, or Am I Overreacting?

[thewinterqueen]

So I started seeing a guy that I met online three weeks ago. He is charming, and acted the perfect gentleman. He insisted on paying for everything, (even my parking ticket!) and insisted on doing the same for our dates. He even bought me flowers each time, and invested in a dressing gown, towel set, toothbrush and hot water bottle for his flat for when I eventually stayed. I thought it was all sweet. He seemed very nervous too.

Last weekend, we were supposed to meet Friday, but I got rushed to hospital with kidney stones. I was hospitalised over the weekend. He was very worried, and begged to come and see me, but I said there was no point because of covid restrictions. You aren't allowed to be accompanied in hospital at present, and I felt like crap, so I wanted my space. He proceeded to tell me that he wanted to come and camp outside the hospital in his car, and then said that he'd been talking to a nurse who worked in the same hospital, and how they weren't allowed to keep me in A+E (accident and emergency) for over 12 hours, blah blah. I told him that I was in the right place, but I felt unsettled by him having conversations with a nurse, and did not know if they were sharing details about me. I have ongoing mental health issues that I don't want discussed, and was worried that this nurse would be telling him.

When I came home on Sunday, I was tired and sick, and he kept asking to come and see me. I felt awful, so said no. He proceeded to send me messages every 30 minutes and on Monday, I woke up to a huge bunch of flowers and a teddy on my doorstep. Then I started to get coffees arriving throughout the day. I could not rest or relax, because the doorbell kept ringing. He sent me pictures of all the gifts he was buying me - bath salts, bubble bath, ornaments, statues, etc. he said they were all waiting for me. It all got too much. On Tuesday, I ventured out to get some milk, and suddenly got inundated with calls from him. It turned out that there was yet another coffee on the doorstep, and he wanted to know where I was. When I said I'd just popped out for milk, he went quiet and didn't say anything. Then I got more coffees arriving.

I felt really, really claustrophobic, and it set my anxiety off massively. I felt panicky, as well as sick, and told him that I needed some space because it was too much. He got upset and said he'd ordered me lots of gifts for the next day, and told me to throw them in the bin when they arrived. He kept saying that he didn't understand what he'd done wrong, and said he was just trying to be the boyfriend that I deserved. He keeps asking where he stands, and I keep telling him that I've already told him.

I have spoken to him since, and he still does not understand what he has done wrong. It feels like he won't get it. It also turns out that he's been in prison for manslaughter - he attacked someone for hitting his previous girlfriend, or so he says. He told me this on the second date, and I am not a judgemental person at all, but I am started to worrying that these behaviours are dangerous. Some of my friends think he's just being caring, but others are saying run a mile. I have put the breaks on, but am wondering what others think? I have a horrible habit of attracting abusive partners, so I am very very worried, and perhaps I am worrying too much?

[Wavypurple]

This is so so scary I actually got chills reading this. I really feel for you, you sound really kind explaining to him that you need space when in reality you’re well within your rights to tell him to fuck off.
Please do not engage further with him, call the police if he keeps sending things to your house.
You won’t be the first woman he’s done this to.
Scary stalker behaviour.

[ThePurplePalace]

Oh OP. You did the right thing ending it. Your story made my anxiety spike… the idea of things constantly arriving, the messages etc, smashing through the boundary you requested. He sounds very odd.

[thewinterqueen]

@PumpkinKlNG

The trouble I find with people saying to not block him and to leave it open is a lot of these men are good at worming their way back in so I’m not sure it’s always good advice to leave it open for them to contact. If you are a strong person that definitely won’t go back then fair enough but I think the op comes across as quite vulnerable

I'm not sure I want to leave any avenue open to him, because I know he'll take it and abuse it. I am just going to mark his emails so they go into the junk folder.

[Aliceclara]

He is a narcissist and a very dangerous one at that. I'm glad you have protected yourself from this man. You should be proud of yourself for sticking to your boundaries. The more you do this the easier it will become and you will find 'your person' who is the best fit for you.

[Odile13]

These are all huge red flags. He is over invested in the relationship way too early. He is buying too many gifts. He is trying to control you while pretending to be nice so when you tell him to back off he can make you the bad guy. I would run for the hills if this guy was after me.

[TheRebelle]

@thewinterqueen

I got an email from him that went into my junk folder at 2am this morning, demanding to know why I've blocked him on everything. He still clearly hasn't got the message.

He doesn’t take a hint, does he! Please don’t respond even if he sends another 1,000 emails, not even to say don’t contact me again, he’s looking for you to give a reason so he can “objection handle” it and worm his way back in.

[PumpkinKlNG]

You are doing the right thing, I never really get why people say it tbh because in his head he will probably be thinking he can worm his way back in as you haven’t blocked him so “can’t be that serious” and he will probably just try harder to contact. Just keep him blocked anything else contact police. You don’t need to keep him unblocked for “evidence”

[xsquared]

Well done op for blocking. I really hope he doesn't up his game and turn up at your doorstep next. In fact, would it be worth letting the police know about this just incase? He's already ignored your request for no contact.

[Iamaperiwinkle]

Contact the police he knows he has been blocked continuing to contact you is harassment

[BSintolerant]

Please don’t delete let his emails go to your junk folder or delete anything. It’s worth saving his emails, messages, screenshots of calls, and anything he sends in the post or has delivered to your door in case you need to take this further. It’s important that you’ve got evidence of unwanted contact. Has he contacted you more than once since you told him not to? If so please contact the police.

[BSintolerant]

Sorry, the first part of that should read “Please don’t let his emails go to your junk folder. Don’t delete anything.”

[parkerpop]

He sounds completely unhinged and I'd be reporting it! It's creeping me out just reading if.

Was he arranging a company to deliver these coffees to your front door in the middle of nowhere? So they had a delivery driver bringing one coffee to you, then another and another and another? The coffee shop must've been thinking wtf??

Also if the delivery driver was leaving them on the door step, how was word getting back to this guy to let him know you were out? How did the delivery driver even know?! 🤯🤯 then would they phone him and say whether you were in or not?

What did your brother make of all this?

[QueenBee52]

Im so sorry @thewinterqueen ... I do hope you are taking things easy and looking after yourself after being hospitalised..

This man has used every available tool textbook tool to control you manipulate you track you... and to go contacting a Nurse at the hospital is gradeA stalker behaviour..

You have done the right thing.. I agree with everyone on here who suggests contacting the Police.. just to reassure yourself that this is all logged leaving a footprint of his behaviour should things escalate..

Be kind to yourself and above all stay safe. 🌸

[PerveenMistry]

"and invested in a dressing gown, towel set, toothbrush and hot water bottle for his flat for when I eventually stayed. I thought it was all sweet. "

That alone would have had me running for the hills.

Creepy and presumptuous.

[Motherofalittledragon]

I'd be contacting the police, he's not going away quietly and is already known to them. He sounds a grade A stalker.

[bongbigboobingbongbing]

It's terrifying reading this thread. Well done for cutting him off, OP, and I hope that's the end of it. You've handled it very well. In a way the kidney stones have done you a favour, it's shown you his true colours before things went any further! Wishing you well x

[cordelia16]

OP, pls don't let his emails go into the junk folder - they will be deleted after a set amount of time. If you don't want to see them in your inbox, just create a folder and put them all there. It's safer to have proof.

[bangheadhere40]

How many times had you actually seen this guy OP?

[MzHz]

Well done for seeing this man for who he is.

You’re doing the right thing

Now if he sends you one more thing of any description call 101 and tell them what you’ve told us.

He’s potentially dangerous, has used violence in the past and will be on the system

Be strong, take care and be brave. You got this!

[Windmillwhirl]

I find this quite terrifying. It's so OTT I don't even think I'd find it believable in a Hollywoid film about a stalker.

He is railroading himself into your life whether you want him to or not.

[OMGISeeTheWayYouShine]

Always worth a read:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

[OMGISeeTheWayYouShine]

Posted on wrong thread - sorry! Still worth a read through...!

[me4real]

WOW OP, this could barely be worse. I imagine part of you is really frightened. Please block him. And I'm pretty sure the army wouldn't accept someone after they have a manslaughter conviction, but that's by the by.

[me4real]

Just catching up. Well done if you've ended things- please block him on everything to save you being lured back in. Previous abuse can help you identify people who are dodgy. You've identified that this time, well done. You just need to not take the risk if you see a red flag, especially something extreme like a serious criminal record, but even less serious things.

[1forAll74]

I would block him immediately. you have only known him for three weeks, and you have no idea how is mind works at all. He has probably been dreaming about doing things like this, whilst he has been in prison. He is desperate about something or other.