Red Flags, or Am I Overreacting?

[thewinterqueen]

So I started seeing a guy that I met online three weeks ago. He is charming, and acted the perfect gentleman. He insisted on paying for everything, (even my parking ticket!) and insisted on doing the same for our dates. He even bought me flowers each time, and invested in a dressing gown, towel set, toothbrush and hot water bottle for his flat for when I eventually stayed. I thought it was all sweet. He seemed very nervous too.

Last weekend, we were supposed to meet Friday, but I got rushed to hospital with kidney stones. I was hospitalised over the weekend. He was very worried, and begged to come and see me, but I said there was no point because of covid restrictions. You aren't allowed to be accompanied in hospital at present, and I felt like crap, so I wanted my space. He proceeded to tell me that he wanted to come and camp outside the hospital in his car, and then said that he'd been talking to a nurse who worked in the same hospital, and how they weren't allowed to keep me in A+E (accident and emergency) for over 12 hours, blah blah. I told him that I was in the right place, but I felt unsettled by him having conversations with a nurse, and did not know if they were sharing details about me. I have ongoing mental health issues that I don't want discussed, and was worried that this nurse would be telling him.

When I came home on Sunday, I was tired and sick, and he kept asking to come and see me. I felt awful, so said no. He proceeded to send me messages every 30 minutes and on Monday, I woke up to a huge bunch of flowers and a teddy on my doorstep. Then I started to get coffees arriving throughout the day. I could not rest or relax, because the doorbell kept ringing. He sent me pictures of all the gifts he was buying me - bath salts, bubble bath, ornaments, statues, etc. he said they were all waiting for me. It all got too much. On Tuesday, I ventured out to get some milk, and suddenly got inundated with calls from him. It turned out that there was yet another coffee on the doorstep, and he wanted to know where I was. When I said I'd just popped out for milk, he went quiet and didn't say anything. Then I got more coffees arriving.

I felt really, really claustrophobic, and it set my anxiety off massively. I felt panicky, as well as sick, and told him that I needed some space because it was too much. He got upset and said he'd ordered me lots of gifts for the next day, and told me to throw them in the bin when they arrived. He kept saying that he didn't understand what he'd done wrong, and said he was just trying to be the boyfriend that I deserved. He keeps asking where he stands, and I keep telling him that I've already told him.

I have spoken to him since, and he still does not understand what he has done wrong. It feels like he won't get it. It also turns out that he's been in prison for manslaughter - he attacked someone for hitting his previous girlfriend, or so he says. He told me this on the second date, and I am not a judgemental person at all, but I am started to worrying that these behaviours are dangerous. Some of my friends think he's just being caring, but others are saying run a mile. I have put the breaks on, but am wondering what others think? I have a horrible habit of attracting abusive partners, so I am very very worried, and perhaps I am worrying too much?

[TheRebelle]

I bet he says he’s a “nice guy”

All the paying for things and flowers are so you feel you owe him something, that would’ve been the first red flag for me.

I see you’ve broken up with him, you’ve done the right thing and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Just because someone thinks they’re being nice doesn’t mean they are if the person they’re bestowing their niceness on doesn’t want it!

[Hebditch]

Please get away from this man while the only red about this situation is the red flag in your head... hope you feel better soon. 💐

[BSintolerant]

Well done for ending things with this man: he sounds dangerous. Have you made it clear to him that you don’t want any more contact? If so, and he persists, this is classed as harassment and stalking and you should report it to the police. The Suzy Lamplugh Trust offers excellent advice and support: www.suzylamplugh.org/

Have you Googled him? If he’s got a criminal record any details will be out there and should be easy to find - assuming he’s not changed his name. Men like him often say they’ve been in the army. It’s always worth checking these things out. I know someone who tried to join the army after serving a prison sentence for ABH. The army wouldn’t take him because he had a criminal record. Take care OP.

[Calmdown14]

I think you are wise to have put in the application for information regardless.
At least then you know what you are dealing with better and it flags should anyone else be in this position.
Don't be too hard on yourself. It's only been three weeks, you've been ill in that time and have come here because you've seen the red flags.
You know your boundaries, you just need to be more assertive about them and trust your instincts

[Ceriane]

Run. Just run.

[2bazookas]

You have asked him to stop, and asked for some space , and a caring person would respect your wishes. He doesn't. He's taking over your life in a very creepy way.

He sounds like a complete nutcase and his conviction (for another entirely inappropriate behaviour) indicates how unpredictable and potentially dangerous he is when crossed or angry.. You are probably going to need some official help to get away from his obsessive attentions.

I suggest you contact local police with his details and a copy of your post, and request a Clare's Law disclosure.

[BSintolerant]

Please read The Gift of Fear - everyone should read it. You’ll learn that “No” is a complete sentence and “ ... a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you.”

“Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.”

[Nonmaquillee]

You met him just three weeks ago?!?!

I got to the bit where you say ….”and he also told me he’s been in prison for manslaughter”…

WTF??? Do you really need to be told what to do?

[Funatlast]

How did he take it when you told him it was over? I can’t see him going away quietly.

[Therealjudgejudy]

OP, if he contacts you again I strongly suggest you lodge a complaint of harassment with the police. His previous record will be flagged up.

I find this quite terrifying

[ChequerBoard]

Eh?!?

3 weeks in and you already know he has a conviction for manslaughter (i.e. he has killed someone) over an ex and your inner spider senses haven't started screaming at you?

You need to start being a little more judgemental and a lot more quickly.

[isthismylifenow]

This was chilling to read.

Has her tried to contact you again?

[isthismylifenow]

He

[BewareTheBeardedDragon]

It would be so nice if posters rtft and were a bit sensitive about what they post. OPs spider senses have alerted her and she has acted on it. She doesn't need to be told what to do - but she has looked for confirmation of what her instincts have told her, which as a survivor of abuse is very common to need. Looking for support and confirmation is actually a really positive strength, as it shows you are NOT ignoring flags or dismissing your gut.

[Sailingthroughtheweek]

OP, you need to do a Clare’s law check to know what you’re feeling with and how at risk you are.

[Sailingthroughtheweek]

*dealing with.

[Funnylittlefloozie]

He was not in the army after being convicted of manslaughter. That did not happen, so on that count alone, he is provably lying to you. My DP bought me towels for when I stayed over with him, but we had been together 7 months at that point, not three bloody weeks!

I'm glad you have CCTV and another person in the house. Please just block him and do not respond any more.

[sunnyzweibrucken]

Run as fast as you can. He sounds needy and clingy as fuck

[DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou]

Creepy AF.

Even I can't drink that much coffee.

[Shoxfordian]

There are some things you really can use your judgement to decide aren’t good enough for you, like someone who was in prison may not be the best person to date.

Can you look for some counselling? It sounds like it would really help you

[FineAndDandy101]

There are lots of red flags here. He has responded really badly when you've expressed your need for some space. After a procedure like that - as if you want to be getting up every 5 minutes to collect yet another coffee.
It sounds like the coffees could be a way of keeping tabs on you so he knows you're always in the house to collect them from the door. His response to you not being there when one arrived because you were out getting milk is a big red flag too.

[Inthesameboatatmo]

Every time he tries to get in contact or leaves unwanted gifts ,call the police,this will not be the first time he has acted like this .
Other than killing someone ,he will have form for this kind if behaviour most definitely.

Is he still trying to contact you now op ?

[SummerWhisper]

Congratulations for your strength, your courage and your judgement that you have used wisely. You have looked after yourself against a dangerous man. You were in danger and you have turned that around. I think you are amazing to have drawn on your courage whilst being very ill. Well done @thewinterqueen

PS definitely read The Gift of Fear x

[SeeYouInFive]

He’s stalking you. Contact the police and also Paladin National Stalking Advocacy Service.