So I started seeing a guy that I met online three weeks ago. He is charming, and acted the perfect gentleman. He insisted on paying for everything, (even my parking ticket!) and insisted on doing the same for our dates. He even bought me flowers each time, and invested in a dressing gown, towel set, toothbrush and hot water bottle for his flat for when I eventually stayed. I thought it was all sweet. He seemed very nervous too.
Last weekend, we were supposed to meet Friday, but I got rushed to hospital with kidney stones. I was hospitalised over the weekend. He was very worried, and begged to come and see me, but I said there was no point because of covid restrictions. You aren't allowed to be accompanied in hospital at present, and I felt like crap, so I wanted my space. He proceeded to tell me that he wanted to come and camp outside the hospital in his car, and then said that he'd been talking to a nurse who worked in the same hospital, and how they weren't allowed to keep me in A+E (accident and emergency) for over 12 hours, blah blah. I told him that I was in the right place, but I felt unsettled by him having conversations with a nurse, and did not know if they were sharing details about me. I have ongoing mental health issues that I don't want discussed, and was worried that this nurse would be telling him.
When I came home on Sunday, I was tired and sick, and he kept asking to come and see me. I felt awful, so said no. He proceeded to send me messages every 30 minutes and on Monday, I woke up to a huge bunch of flowers and a teddy on my doorstep. Then I started to get coffees arriving throughout the day. I could not rest or relax, because the doorbell kept ringing. He sent me pictures of all the gifts he was buying me - bath salts, bubble bath, ornaments, statues, etc. he said they were all waiting for me. It all got too much. On Tuesday, I ventured out to get some milk, and suddenly got inundated with calls from him. It turned out that there was yet another coffee on the doorstep, and he wanted to know where I was. When I said I'd just popped out for milk, he went quiet and didn't say anything. Then I got more coffees arriving.
I felt really, really claustrophobic, and it set my anxiety off massively. I felt panicky, as well as sick, and told him that I needed some space because it was too much. He got upset and said he'd ordered me lots of gifts for the next day, and told me to throw them in the bin when they arrived. He kept saying that he didn't understand what he'd done wrong, and said he was just trying to be the boyfriend that I deserved. He keeps asking where he stands, and I keep telling him that I've already told him.
I have spoken to him since, and he still does not understand what he has done wrong. It feels like he won't get it. It also turns out that he's been in prison for manslaughter - he attacked someone for hitting his previous girlfriend, or so he says. He told me this on the second date, and I am not a judgemental person at all, but I am started to worrying that these behaviours are dangerous. Some of my friends think he's just being caring, but others are saying run a mile. I have put the breaks on, but am wondering what others think? I have a horrible habit of attracting abusive partners, so I am very very worried, and perhaps I am worrying too much?
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Relationships
Red Flags, or Am I Overreacting?
thewinterqueen · 03/07/2021 18:43
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So sorry for everything that's happening here OP. I would suggest setting up a forwarding rule so that his emails go to your brother not you (assuming you trust your brother and feel he's been supportive of you). That way, you have a written record, but you don't need to see anything or worry about checking. You can ask your brother not to mention any emails that come in unless they scare or worry him and he feels further action is appropriate.
You clearly are working on your boundaries and heard that gut instinct rumble: it's just now about validating it and taking action rather than second-guessing yourself.
Take care 
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